Author Archives: corbyjaye

A Little Bit of Reading, Writing, and Some Art

For a week (or more) now, spending time each day working on art, writing, or reading, so I guess that’s really what I added to my mix for the month of June, instead of yoga or weightlifting. Since, I’m quitting social media in July, I figure I’ll have plenty of time to add in more of these creative joys in my life, and I should easily be able to fit in weightlifting twice a week. I’d still like to do yoga, too. 

Does anyone reading this know anything about an evening or bedtime yoga practice that might help me wind down after work, so I can fall asleep at a reasonable time? Is anyone reading this? Hello? I mostly read about people doing morning yoga, but I suppose a quick google search would take me to some evening practices.

Reading.

I’ve been very slowly working my way through the A Wrinkle in Time Trilogy by Madeleine L’Engle. Since I just had to use the interwebs to figure out how to spell her name, I learned that it’s really a quintet! Why didn’t anyone tell me?! I’ve been working my way through that when I am not compulsively switching between FB, Twitter, and IG before I try to go to bed. Funny thing: the nights when I read I fall asleep faster and sleep better. I enjoy the books, but they sometimes remind me of a podcast I’m listening to called Tanis. If you like fiction, Tanis and Rabbits are both good podcasts to invest in. They are mind-bendy and weird. The way the books remind me of the podcasts is there is some repetition, and it’s difficult to figure out just which clues you might need to retain for later and which minutiae you can just flush once you’ve read or heard it. All are enjoyable, just more work than I thought they’d be. Ha.

I’m also reading the book I mentioned the last time I wrote. I’m enjoying pulling quotes and savory points to think on from The Book of Joy. One example is this bit of wisdom from Tutu: “[I]f you are setting out to be joyful you are not going to end up being joyful. You’re going to find yourself turned in on yourself. It’s like a flower. You open, you blossom, really because of other people. And I think some suffering, maybe even intense suffering, is a necessary ingredient for life, certainly for developing compassion” (43). I, by no means, have experienced “intense suffering” in the same way as others, but the Dalai Lama offers an interesting perspective on that in the book as well. He basically says that we need to stop comparing our suffering and move toward recognizing that our suffering is part of a sea of global suffering, in which we can feel compassion for those around us through our mutual suffering, though our suffering is different from each other.

Writing.

I’ve written here twice now in less than a week, and previously I hadn’t written here for several months. I’m just happy that I can exercise my brain and my hands and make coherent thoughts. I find that I’m working toward writing more spiritually, because I am trying to move my life toward filtering things more spiritually on a daily basis. I hope my writing reflects what I am trying to do with every day practice. I hope it’s more mindful, more kind, and more centered.

A friend of mine asked me about how Frantz Fanon would feel about a status I posted on FB the other day. I had to admit that I haven’t read any theory for so long, I couldn’t remember what Fanon even says. So, here I am, working in retail, not really thinking about literary theory, being challenged by my friend to say something smart. I confessed to her that I hadn’t thought that way in about three years, and that I’d have to have her send me a PDF of an article or a book title, so I can check out a book, to reread before I can even try to answer her question. That’s pretty sad for me, since thinking theoretically is my jam and usually comes fairly easily for me. Writing theoretically has never been easy for me, but thinking that way is my lifeblood. I’m happy to say, that I am working on reading toward, and writing toward a response to her question.

We’ll see how this works out.

Art.

Which is really digital drawing at this point. And some photo work.

I’ve gone back to the basics. Like, you know, middle school art class, where you had to do contour line drawings of your hands, simple objects, and your face in a mirror. Where you had to draw 19,000 white 3D geometric shapes and shade them based on where the light was positioned and where their shadows ended up sulking across the desk. Where you combined colors in layers use to see what they would do.

Only I am doing it all digitally. And it’s a very steep learning curve. My hands looks like collections of lines, instead of hands, my colors have all turned brown, and my shapes look very 2D with a white side and a grey side and a black blob of a shadow sticking out like a blowing scarf from the base. 

Peace

But this is what success looks like. Failing forward. Trying again. Making a group of lines that somewhat resemble a hand-shaped thing. Making a new shade of brown. Making a sphere that looks like maybe you might be able to pick up one side of it from the page. And practice. Practice. Practice.

Beauty. Peace. Grace. Love.

All of these things take time. All of them are important.

July 4: Independence Day, Veganism, Goal Fulfilling

I’m reading The Book of Joy: Lasting Happiness in a Changing World by His Holiness the Dalai Lama, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, and Douglas Abrams, and the words are helping me see how very far I’ve come since November with physical, spiritual, and mental wellness, but I’m also learning how very far I have to go to be completely well. This year I am using July 4, 2017 to become independent from social media. I’ll be staying away from Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram until January 1, 2018. I’ll still write here occasionally, but I want to really experience things in my own way, not filtered through the lenses of comparison, argumentation, and whatever else happens on social media that makes me feel yucky inside and draws energy from my experiences of joy. 

I’m not putting my head in a hole in the ground, because I’ll still follow the news and interact with friends through texts, emails, and phone calls, but I am buffering my experiences with jealousy, anger, and sadness for six months. My 25th high school reunion is on August 5, and I want to be in the best mental health possible, so I can have a blast with some people I haven’t seen in 25 years. Please be sure to direct message me if you want my contact information to text, call, or email.

I haven’t written here in a while, and it’s mostly because I spend a good portion of my day, when I am not at work, sitting on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter, watching the feeds go by with the same information I saw just a few minutes ago. I mean, I seriously sit on the couch, going from Facebook (refresh) to Instagram (refresh) to Twitter (refresh) and back again and again. Last night I spent about three hours working on some digital art; I’m trying to design bike jerseys for me and Bec for our 100-mile ride in July, and it was so fulfilling that I was reminded how joyful I feel when I am reading, or writing, or creating. 

I am not good at just “taking a break” or “logging out for a while,” so I will just remove the apps from my phone and change the passwords to something I won’t remember. I’ll write it down, so I can come back and visit in January. This is the thing I am adding for July to my wellness and mental health changes I am making this year. I’m also trying hard to invest more in those people who also invest in me, and that isn’t necessarily happening on social media. I feel as if I am investing shallowly in a lot of people, but not deep and meaningfully in a few people. 

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Because I haven’t written here in a while, well, I haven’t written at all in a while, I feel like I have so much to say, but I also feel like I’ll just ramble and babble and not make any sense. So what’s new?! 

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I became vegan (again) on May 4, because of a challenge at work, and I am in love with my lifestyle. What I love is that I am being very healthy about it. I’m eating nearly all fruits, vegetables, nuts, and beans, and almost no “vegan food products.” 

I eat an occasional Boca burger, breadsticks, or French fries, but for the most part, on the day to day, I eat fresh veggies like carrots, snap peas, and tomatoes, fresh fruit like apples, oranges, and cherries, and some hummus and avocado. I am trying to limit the amount of GMOs I’m eating, and I’m also limiting my wheat and soy intake. What I consume is 90% organic. 

I also have smoothies for breakfast, which are pretty lovely, with spinach, soy milk, and Vega protein powder. I feel good, I look healthy, and I’m living as cruelty-free as possible, which helps my spiritual and mental health. This has been a long (repetitive), slow journey, but I am getting where I am supposed to be. 

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Since November 25, 2016, I’ve lost 40 pounds, and my immediate goal is 20 more, which is coming off slowly. More importantly to me, I’m able to walk 8 miles with no problems, I can bike 30 miles on a regular basis, and I can still swim like a fish. I haven’t had a drink since January 19, and I’ve made changes slowly and consistently, so they’re becoming part of my life, instead of a thing I’m doing.

For July, I am also adding in weightlifting, which I was supposed to have already added, but I get intimidated for some crazy reason. I start second guessing myself like I’ve never lifted weights, and I don’t belong in a gym. Dumb. My goal is: Mondays and Thursdays will be biking, Tuesdays and Fridays will be swimming and lifting, and Wednesdays will be trail running, Saturdays will be running then walking with Bec, and Sundays will be a leisurely walk with Bec. 

I’m meditating more regularly, but I still need to be more consistent, because I feel so much better when I calm my monkey mind by focusing on my breath. I’m trying to be more mindful of the ways in which my actions impact others, and I seem to have more cognition of that when my mind is calm from meditating, rather than when it is full of many thoughts that are walking laps inside my brain like big cats in a zoo cage. 

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My brother and I leave on June 30 for a trip to swim in all five Great Lakes. We’re hoping to complete our trek in about 12 hours and spend the night in Toronto. I’ll keep you posted.  I cannot tell you how good it felt to write this, even though it is super disjointed, not very pretty, and kind of like nacho vomit in word form. 

Feeling Sassy and Full of Joy

The week after Thanksgiving when I stepped on the scale to see where I needed to go for the new year, and to see why my blood pressure was so high—I’m trained, like you are, to blame it on my weight, not stress or anything else it might be—I was shocked to find myself sitting firmly at 260 pounds. I’m 5’3″ tall, so 260 pounds is quite a little load to bear for someone of my stature.

I also looked in the mirror and saw someone who had recently come through a really bad depression, and when I say really bad, I don’t say that lightly. The details of that depression are fodder for a different essay, somewhere else, in another time when I am further away from that period in my life. I saw someone who was really stressed at work and who didn’t believe in herself the way I had always believed in myself.

I looked in my exercise journal and saw that I had been faking it at running, always having an excuse: my foot hurts, I’m too tired, or I was standing at work all day. I looked more deeply and saw that I was faking it at trying to play soccer. I played on Monday nights, minimally. I loved it, but I wasn’t pursuing it. I wasn’t swimming, biking, strength training, doing yoga, or anything that I wanted and needed to be doing. I wasn’t doing a lot of what I love.

I was simply existing. Unhealthily existing.

I’ve noticed lots of patterns in my life where I realize I’m drowning inside myself, so I throw out every life preserver I can think of. I change my diet, I exercise like a fool, I quit this that and the other all at once, and then I fail. The failure then makes me feel like I am drowning all over again.

I gave myself a couple of weeks to wallow.

The week before Christmas, I decided to cut out caffeine as a first step toward healing. I chose caffeine first, because I realized I was having difficulty sleeping, even if I quit drinking coffee before 11AM. I also realized that a lot of the caffeine I was drinking was in the form of really sugary coffee drinks, so I figured that would help with my January plan of cutting a lot of sugar out of my diet.

In January, along with caffeine, I cut out most added sugar. I say most, because I do indulge in one sugary snack each day, to allow myself some pleasure. I know me. If I don’t have some pleasure, I will fail. I’ve tried moderation before, and even failed at that, so I get one treat each day. Usually I choose a small hot chocolate with dark chocolate, no whip, and almond milk, but it’s getting too sweet for me, so I’ve switched to a Ghirardelli dark chocolate square with blueberry in it. Yes, I know chocolate can have caffeine, but less than half the caffeine in a double espresso or cup of coffee.

In January, I also joined with my brother to commit to 30 minutes of exercise each day. During the first couple of weeks, even 30 minutes of exercise seemed like hard work, but in February, I added another 30 minutes of exercise each day for a total of an hour each day. I am being very intentional and careful about what exercises I do each day, so that my muscles get a chance to relax and recover between days.

For March, I am adding in strength trainings. See? I’m trying to progress incrementally. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, I bike and swim. One Tuesdays and Thursdays, I strength train and walk, and on Saturdays and Sundays, I walk with my wife.

There are four main changes, aside from the above mentioned diet and exercise changes, I’ve made that have made a difference in my mental health, my physical health, and my spiritual health. I quit drinking alcohol. I meditate more frequently. I eat lots of good food. I am learning to be present, to be joyful, and to give myself grace.

I quit drinking. I didn’t think it was a problem in my life, but it was, and I wanted to be perfectly sober for the next four years if you know what I mean. I met with my priest—I say my priest, but I rarely attend church anymore—just to chat about my depression. We met in late July or early August. When I told him about what was going on, he said, “Well, have you tried not drinking? Alcohol is a depressant, you know.” Since he is “only” a priest and not a mental health practitioner, I didn’t heed his advice until January 19, and I haven’t had a drop to drink since then, unless you count the minimal alcohol in kombucha.

For me, alcohol was a huge stumbling block to joy. Did I have a hard day at work? Have a rewarding beer! Did someone piss me off? Have a Scotch to right things! Instead of dealing with the situation that upset me, I’d just drink until it felt better. I’m not sure that makes me an alcoholic, but it sure made me dependent upon a substance for healing when there are so many other things that are better for me.

I meditate more frequently. Whenever I swim, I treat my time in the pool as meditation. I focus on my breath and my form. Since I have my handy Watch to count my laps, I am free to simply focus on the silence of the water, the breath that comes in and goes out, the way body moves in the water, and the way the water feels against my skin.

I also meditate when I am not swimming, using an app called Insight Timer. If you’re reluctant to try meditation, you should check it out. There are guided meditations preprogrammed, and you can set your own program. I sometimes spend time in prayer after meditation or before, and I have to say that people notice a difference in me. A coworker asked me if I was okay the other day. I said yes, why. He said, you just look so calm and centered.

I eat lots of good food. I watched a video courtesy of our wellness group at work, and the nutritionist talked extensively about fixing a broken metabolism by eating enough good fuel. She said that many of us have broken metabolisms from low-calorie diets, from over exercising and under eating, or simply from not eating food that provides sustainable energy for our bodies.

Whenever I have wanted to lose weight before, I have always cut calories and exercised harder. This time I used the Mifflin-St. Jeor calorie calculator, which she suggested in the video, to figure out how many calories I actually need. I was surprised to find out that with my level of activity, I need about 1900 calories per day to promote fat loss. I’d been cutting to less than 1000 to try to lose weight, but according to the nutritionist, that is a level where most people’s bodies think they are starving, so adding calories is way to jump start our bodies into thinking we’re well fueled and can sustain our levels of activity.

I’m seeing my body change, and I am eating food to fuel that change. I’m eating food as fuel and for pleasure. This is a whole new way for me to relate to food. And I like it.

Finally, I am learning to be present, to be joyful, and to give myself grace. There are days when I mess up, when I treat people poorly, when I don’t exercise, when I eat things that aren’t particularly good for me, when I don’t meditate, when I wish I could be anywhere else besides where I am, where things are all joy and puppy feet and rainbows.

More often than not, I am in the moment. I am present. With myself. With others. With my pets. With nature. With [Them]. I. Am. Present. There’s a line in The Alchemist that says, “The secret is here in the present. If you pay attention to the present, you can improve upon it. And, if you improve on the present, what comes later will also be better. Forget about the future, and live each day according to the teachings, confident that God loves his children. Each day, in itself, brings with it an eternity.” I have found this to be true. Instead of looking for what will be, I’m learning that relaxing into what is and improving on what is, brings an eternity in and of itself.

Most days I am filled with joy, because why not be? If a small bit of joy can be found in front of me, why not revel in it? Why not try to use my joy to make others joyful as well?

And finally, I am giving myself grace. One thing about living in the present is recognizing that when I am not present, or when I do not have joy, or when I behave in a way that doesn’t recognize and honor the divine spark in those around me, I can be vulnerable, honest, gracious, and refocus. I can come back to being present. and I can improve on that present.

I’m learning a lot of new things about myself on this new journey.

The New Year Has Begun: Goals

As you know I set some goals on my 42nd birthday last July. They were running, compassion, paying it forward, leaving social media and increasing creativity, and managing my finances better. I’d like to simply talk about these goals and how my new year is shaping up.

Running 

My goal was to run a marathon on my 43rd birthday this coming July, but because of a variety of things, I won’t be doing that. I’ve been dealing with some plantar fasciitis in my right foot that gets exacerbated with anything over a 5-mile hike. Hopefully, I’ll be able to start running again soon and build from there.

Instead of running, I am focusing on getting in 30 minutes of some form of exercise each day for 2017. So far, so good. I’m trying to alternate between walking/jogging, biking, swimming, and stretching/strength training/yoga, so that I can heal my body instead of breaking it down more.

In other running news, I am having difficulty losing any weight and I just keep hovering in the 250s. Not good. I’m trying to watch what I eat, and I’m focusing on cutting out alcohol, unless I go out, cutting down on unnatural sugar, and eating more vegetables. I checked my blood pressure and it was high, so I am drinking more water, eating a banana a day for the potassium, and hoping the 30 minutes of exercise each day will help bring it down. I’m also taking vitamin D, because my levels of vitamin D were very low.

Compassion

My goal for compassion was to maintain a vegan diet, but I am settling for being firmly vegetarian for now. I try to limit my consumption of animal products at all, but I have been eating yogurt for breakfast each morning, along with some cheese throughout the day. We do buy our dairy and eggs from a local grocery store who buys them from local farmers, most of whom practice more ethical farming. This is certainly an area of improvement for me.

I’ve also been trying to meditate more, but I admit if there is something I need to cut out of my morning, meditation is the thing that goes. And meditation should be the thing that I insist upon doing each day, just after my 30 minutes of exercise, because along with the vitamin D, they are the things that keep me mentally healthy.

Pay It Forward

I was thinking I would volunteer with an organization that helps with domestic violence, or sexual assault, or women’s rights, but I’ve found myself attracted to a place called First Nations Kitchen, where I can go after work on Sundays to help serve if I get there in time, or help clean up when I work until 6. We volunteered there on Christmas, and I loved working with the volunteer coordinator and the people who came for dinner, so I decided that would be my place each Sunday night. I start on a regular basis on January 29, so next Sunday.

Social Media and Creativity

My goal was to leave social media and to be more creative. I have been reading much more, about a book a week, but I haven’t been writing or doing art like I wanted to, so this is still an area of opportunity for me. And, I am still entrenched in Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. What I need to figure out with Facebook in particular is a way to use my account to network with friends and family, but to not be sucked into the meanness, argumentation, and general ridiculousness of it. I can’t stand watching my friends speak to each other the way they do. We’ve forgotten that we can disagree, have a civil conversation, and actually listen to each other. Instead what I see is a bunch of name-calling, sucker-punching, and extreme hatefulness. I understand that people are passionate, but there are ways to discuss, protest, and change people’s minds and lives without the anger and vitriol.

Finances

I am diligently working on my finances. They are out of control and it is hard. But I am working on getting them under control. I haven’t charged anything on a credit card since some time in October, so that is a start. And I am paying more than the minimum payment on the cards, which is another start.

Evaluation of Goals: Mid Year

I guess my middle of the year evaluation of my goals is that I am doing okay, but that there is room to improve. I’d like to say that by my 43rd birthday, I could lose about 40 pounds, have written a couple of things to send out for publishing, and have kept up my 30 minutes of exercise and 10 minutes of meditation each day. The most important thing for me is that by July, I’d like to be mentally and physically healthy. I’d like to not revisit this past July and August as far as mental health goes.

Here’s to all good things. Peace.

Snowman Cookies and Holiday Shopping

This week I traded shifts with a coworker, so that I could have a much needed day off today. He was supposed to work last night, and I was supposed to work all day today. I figured that working 6 hours at Caribou yesterday morning, and then 6 hours at the Fruit Stand last night, would be a good trade off for a day completely off of work.

I slept in and woke up at 10 o’clock, then I went for a short, slow, “recovery” run. I’ve been using the Nike+ Running Club app with my new Watch, and so far I am pleased with the workout rotation. Their workouts seem to escalate at a good pace, and they are varied enough that I am not getting bored. Tomorrow I have 400 repeat workout, which I am unsure how to accomplish without a track, but I am sure I’ll figure it out. The one thing I don’t really care for with the watch and the Nike+ app is that I can’t start a specific run for my plan from the watch. I’ve been using the coaching feature to train for a 10-mile run I’m doing in March, but I have to start it on my phone in order to have it follow the plan. I hope in future revisions of the app, the developers allow the plan to show up on the watch, because it will encourage people like me to use the app more regularly. The plus side is that there is a way built in to the plan to credit any runs you do toward your plan.

I spent a bit of time this morning playing with my dogs, and I’m reminded that Lily and Sydney aren’t getting any younger. Sydney shivers almost nonstop, because he is very skinny and his kidneys don’t work well, but he still plays and runs, herding the other two dogs around the yard like a champ. Lily’s face is almost entirely white, and her back legs sometimes give out when she goes up and down the stairs, but she plays like a puppy and still likes to whoowhoo her blanket to procrastinate going for the morning walk.

When I play with them, I am reminded that all good things will end, but that each day is what you make of it. They are both 13 years old, but they are joyful and loving. At the risk of being one more person who says it, at the risk of being a total cliché, I learn something from my dogs every single day. How to forgive. How to have unbridled joy. How to play. How to give love, so much love. Man, I’m going to miss those two goofy pups when they’re gone.

Last night around 1:30 or so, I decided I should do my holiday shopping today, so after playing with my dogs, I headed to Woodbury to the Barnes & Noble. Surprise, everyone, I bought literature for Christmas! I just think books are never a bad idea. I bought some magazines for some folks, some books for others, and some Mo Willems Pigeon books for some small folks in my life (I’m looking at you Dubs and T-Bean).

Don't let the pigeon play Santa.

Don’t let the pigeon play Santa.

After I finished getting books and magazines for people I love, I stopped at the Starbucks across the parking lot to have a Holiday Spice Flat White and a Snowman Cookie. Or two.

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I knew I wanted to write today, so this was the perfect place to do it. I’m using this space here, this blog, to write for now. I know I need to work on some side projects that aren’t published here, and I know I need to start working on some serious pieces to send out to try and get published in legitimate literary journals. I know.

Now my time for myself is up for today, and I have to head home to shovel the driveway. Being outside in the quiet snow is a huge relief from the chaos at either of my jobs. The dogs will bark at me through the fence, and the kids will be playing in the snow at the park, but those are welcome, happy sounds.