Category Archives: Grace

A Great Weekend. And a Self-Discovery.

This past weekend was one of the best I have had in a long time. On Saturday, Bec and I drove to Cincinnati to have lunch with Tim, who was in town because Whitney was in a wedding in Oxford, OH. We went to B-Dubs and Tim and I each had mango-habanero and Caribbean jerk wings. They have boosted to spiciness of their sauce since the last time I was there, and my nose ran constantly as I smiled my way through all six, very hot mango-habanero boneless wings. It was a good last meat hurrah before I stop eating meat again tomorrow. I am still going to eat milk, but meat and eggs are history until I finish my dissertation. The challenge will be getting enough protein to keep running and to start swimming. I think I can do it if tofu is involved and if I use Will’s homemade seitan recipe.

On Saturday night, we went to Sarah and Daniel’s going away party. Andrea was unsure of herself as a hostess, but everything was fabulous, including the delicious Jimmy John’s subs and the cake. I had fun, reminisced about the past few years, and ate way too much…

which was okay because on Sunday, Bec and I started the day by walking the dogs, as we always do. Then we went on a 30-mile bike ride, which was more like 28 miles, but who is counting anyway. We rode from our house down the Cardinal Greenway to Blountsville. It took us about two and a half hours, but we did it and had a blast! We had great conversation and remembered how beautiful the trail is out in the country, winding through trees and past farms.We decided that before the summer is over, we are going to ride our bikes to Losantville to have pizza at the Pizza Shack. Riding back with full bellies will be the challenge!

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Yesterday, I realized how non-compassionate I can be. So much so that I don’t really listen to the people around me. I hear them, but I don’t really hear them. I don’t take the time to listen to their pain. I have become so wrapped up in my own things this summer—comps, home improvements, my assistantship, etc.—I am not listening to people like I want—or need—to listen to them. I talk and write so much about being compassionate and being a listener that I don’t give myself the space to actually do it. I know this didn’t just start this summer, but it has taken this summer to help me recognize that I talk far more than I listen, and most of what I say is not part of any productive good. I find myself talking to hear myself talk, or to have the best story, or prove I am right, or to make people like me, or to spread things that I only hear half-way, or to complain about things that are out of my control. I really want to change this about myself, but it is so difficult.

Why do I do this? Good question. I am listening if you have any answers or any suggestions about how to tame the tongue.

Two Year Old Parties. Greek Church. Running.

This weekend was full of excitement and nostalgia. Friday got it off to a bang with a practice test for the comps, workshopping with Sarah and Elizabeth, and a dinner with reading at Kellie’s. The vegetarian jambalaya was fantastic!

On Saturday, we went to Izzy’s second birthday party, which was a celebration of all the things she loves: balls, Dora and Diego, rubber-duckies, shoes, and pizza!

We bought her a game that goes with the book The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle. I read the book out loud to some of the people at the party. I know they loved it despite their protests when I started to read it for a second time. We also bought her a million (exaggeration) little rubber toys for the tub. Ducks. Fish. Frogs. They all spit water from their little puckered mouths. And, we got her a football, small enough to fit her hands, but big enough to really throw. She got a bunch of other stuff from other people.

Her presents from my brother and from Alex were the best; they got her pink high-top Chucks and a little, ruffly sun dress, respectively. Who knew boys could shop so well for little girls. I think it may be because both of them secretly want children of their own! They both deserve the best in life, so I know they will find it. I have never met two more amazing single guys! She also got a HUGE rubber-ducky from some other friends. It was pretty sweet except it was a little creepy because it looks like it is staring at you no matter where you point its head. I would still love it if I was Iz.

Back to the party. We ate lots of pizza. I ate mostly cheese pizza. And, we broke a piñata that was shaped like a shoe. Of course, Abs made the best cakes: Dora with a waterfall and mountains, a baseball, rubber-ducky cupcakes, and shoe-shaped cookies. I got a bit of a sugar overload as I over0indulged. Since I haven’t been eating much sugar lately, I think it made me pretty sick, but it was good cake!

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On Sunday, my family and I went to Holy Apostles Greek Orthodox Church in Indianapolis. The priest, Fr. Dean, who spoke reminded me of the priest in South Bend when I was little. He was fun, funny, relevant, and poignant. He reminded the Greeks who are founding this parish that they needed to work hard to get it started, but he also reminded them that their work is sanctified. He, like the last priest that spoke, was from Detroit. I can say that if I lived in Detroit, I would have my choice of parishes to attend, not like here in Muncie, where I have to drive to Indy to go to the Orthodox Church.

My uncle asked me if I was ready to be baptized in the Orthodox faith. I didn’t have to think about it. I am ready.

He said, “I would be your god-father,” which is funny coming from an older, completely bald guy who isn’t much taller than I am.

“Of course,” I said, “who else would I ask? Of course, I want you to be my god-father!”

He beamed. To put this in perspective, Reader, I should ask if you have ever seen The Princess Bride. You know the little bald guy, who is friends with Andre the Giant? That is my Uncle George, complete with the lisp. He will be my god-father.

My questions about this are: 1) Do I have to take classes? 2) Do I get to choose my own baptismal name? 3) Do I have to kiss the priest’s hand when I take communion? 4) What are the differences between Orthodox and other theologies? 5) How does this all work? I have so many questions because I don’t want to sign up for something I don’t believe in simply because I am ethnically Greek.

I love the way the Greek church smells. The incense is a pleasing fragrance to the Lord, I am sure. In the small, bare chapel where Holy Apostles has its services, I can transport myself back to the beginning of the Christian centuries and imagine myself worshipping with the early believers. With all of the sacramentalism and ritual, I picture Peter and Paul attempting to meld together their Jewish heritage with this new covenant, and trying to work the Eucharist into their already established Jewish customs.

What results is a seemingly over-the-top representation of Christ to the people, which can, at times, be a little off-putting. However, with the liturgy taking place in such a small, archaic chapel with wooden pews and only two icons in the room, I can imagine how Peter and Paul wrestled with retaining the liturgy and their Jewish customs while transferring their new beliefs to everyday people.

The ceremony which initially seems to be too ornate and ostentatious is, in fact, the way the Word is related through the body of the priest to the body of God’s Church. The priest relates the Christian story in the same way each and every Sunday; the only things that change are the Biblical readings for week, working slowly through the entire Judeo-Christian story. Through the multiple kyrie eleisons and Lord, have mercys, I learn my salvation again and again. Isn’t that the point of church?

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Today, I got up and walked the dogs, then I continued my new running program. It is going quite well. Hopefully, by the time school starts, I will be ready to run a 5K and not die halfway through. My goal is to run a 5K road race sometime in September or October. I hope to run a mini-marathon by next spring or early summer, then sometime around my next birthday (when I will turn 36), I would like to run a full-length marathon. I hope it happens. I really want to say I ran a marathon before I turn 40. That is really my goal. I hope it happens. I have no unrealistic expectations. If it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen.

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Now it is 1PM, and I have to study. This week is Early American literature, better than the Renaissance, but not as good as what is coming. I seem to prefer literature after the 1700s, the rest is just background!

What I Should Be Doing vs. What I Do

I should be studying for my exams.

I should be writing for my workshop group.

I should be doing what I know I need to be doing.

Instead I am fretting over all of it and making no kind of headway on actually getting it done.

Every time I go to the bathroom, Ordinary Genius looks at me from the tub-rim. I leaf through it and put it down.

When I come into the bed room, stacks of Norton anthologies stare me down from their place on the bookshelf. I spend less time with them than I should. They don’t let me forget.

I go for walks. I peel paint. I pull up carpet. I wish I had time to go through everything once and for all.

I wish I could donate my life to the Goodwill. Maybe some one else could figure out how to use it more effectively. They would recycle it. They would be glad to have all this stuff, all this pressure, all these worldly things.

I just want a Volkswagon Van or a big old truck with a cap, Bec, my dogs, my bathing suit, some overflowing dumpsters with lots of good food, and the beach. That is all I tell myself I need.

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Really, I am pretty happy right now. I just hit these little bumps in the road where I think I need to be doing something different than what I am doing. Talking with Sarah this morning helped me keep my career choice in perspective, because I am doing what I love: reading and writing. And, I am doing it with other people who also love it, and I am teaching it. Hopefully, I even influence some of my students to love it, too. What could be more fulfilling than that? I just need to figure out how to escape to the beach once a year to restore my soul…

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Some Things Make No Sense

Without wavering, I am pro-choice; however, I am in no way supportive of late-term abortion even though I know these abortions are only performed when two doctors agree that actually having the child will endanger the life of the mother. I think my inability to accept the late-term abortion lies in my struggle to believe that no doctor could tell there would be problems before the fetus is viable. Suddenly, at seven months there are problems enough to put the mother’s life in danger? And, I think my (probably unrealizable) desire to have a child interferes with my ability to be rational in this situation.

With that said, I am sad and disappointed at the death of Dr. Tiller. I am continually amazed at the way that people get so blind-sided by their agenda that they do things that seem to be completely incongruous with their agenda. For example, people who are pro-life killing someone because he did his job. What is even more sad to me is the fact that the anti-Tiller rhetoric has not stopped after his death. The man is dead, now, can we leave him alone? I am sure that the pro-life killer sees this as his mission in life, to stop Tiller from performing future abortions. Still this makes no sense to me. Of course, much of what the Christian right does makes no sense to me.

I am trying hard not to judge the killer, because he was obviously doing what he thought was right, just like Dr. Tiller was doing what he thought was right. In much the same way that Dr. Tiller had a family who loved and supported his work, I am sure his killer has a family that loves and supports him, too. These situations are the ones that cause me to consider some tough theological questions:

  • If God is good why is there such evil in the world?
  • If God is in control of all things, how do [They] let such things happen?
  • How can people rationalize killing a living breathing person, when they live their lives to protect the unborn?
  • Why do people act so irrationally?
  • How can I respond to such violent acts with a heart of grace and an attitude of mercy?

One of the other ideas I wrestle with is trying to understand how Christians ever expect to make an impact on this world when we can’t stop the arguing and fighting that goes on within our religion. I mean, Tiller was at church, serving as an usher, when he was killed! Of course, this internal conflict isn’t new; Paul and Barnabas, two of the first Christian theologians/missionaries split up over an even more insignificant conflict (Acts 15). I have often heard Christians complain about each other, and I have often complained about my conservative Christian friends/brothers and sisters in Christ. Why? Because my idea of what it means to be a Christian and how it looks to live that out doesn’t match theirs.

I will never understand the minds or the actions of conservative people, but I can do my part to recognize their role in the kingdom of heaven as it exists on earth. Maybe this rift is part of the already but not yet kingdom of God. We are already made one in Christ, but we cannot yet recognize our similarities and let them outweigh our differences. I may never pray the sinners’ prayer with someone. I will never go to a pro-life rally. I will never march against gay rights. And, I may never vote for a political candidate based on their commitment to Christian values, but I recognize that I need to give grace to those who do. Part of being a Christian, I suppose, is recognizing our differences and then realizing how God’s grace covers a multitude of sins. Mine and yours.

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I got a volunteer job writing reviews for a Christian blogging site. I will be receiving a free new-publication book once a month, and, in return, I have to write a 500 word review of that book. My first one, A People’s History of Christianity by Diana Butler Bass, should be arriving shortly. I get three weeks to read it and post a review. I am excited about this opportunity because it has nothing to do with school and is an opportunity for me to read new theological/spiritual books and write about them purely for the enjoyment of doing so. I miss being immersed in the Church. Would I ever go back to working in a church? Yes, in a heartbeat.

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The purging is going well. I am finding that the hardest things to stay away from are refined sugars and caffeine. I have never realized how hard it is to make food without white sugar, and to keep from drinking caffeinated beverages. I made a huge pitcher of sun tea the other day and forgot that green tea has caffeine in it. I was up until about one in the morning trying to fall asleep!

I am proud to say that I have had no alcohol for the past (almost) three weeks, and I don’t really have the desire for any. Obviously, I really enjoy trying new beers and new drinks, but I can definitely live without them!

I have been reading my bible, but I had to play catch up the other afternoon, because I forgot to read for a couple of days. I took a quilt out on the grass and relaxed in the sunshine while I read. That couple of hours was the most fulfilling afternoon I have had in a while.

Along with all of this purging, I have been thinking about running and much I miss it. I have been walking about 3-5 miles a day, but it is no substitute for running so I have decided to start running again when I get back from vacation. I hope to be able to run all year without getting sick so much over the winter. I think if I maintain my healthy diet, I will be able to achieve this goal. Sometimes I think the food we eat actually makes us sick, but that is for another blog.

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I have been considering taking a Nazarite vow until I am finished with my PhD. While we are on vacation, I will be putting my brother’s hair into dreadlocks. He said that one of the people on the website where he bought his dread-kit decided to put his hair in dreads as part of a Nazarite vow. I respect that commitment. I know that commitment is part of Rastafarianism, which I also respect and am intrigued by because so much of Rasta theology seems right on. I especially like the part where we smoke ganjah as the healing of the nation! I tend to think that if everyone sat around smoking ganjah, or at least hookah, we’d have far fewer problems in this world.

So, I am thinking of taking this Christian, Nazarite vow on my birthday this year, my 35th birthday. I would cut my hair and then let it grow until I finish my PhD. I would abstain from alcohol, caffeine, meat, and sugars until I finish. That would be almost two years, and I didn’t even make it for a whole year the last time. The big plus is the commitment and the fact that I would read through the Bible two whole times during my vow. I am still thinking about it, but it seems like something that draws my spirit.