Step 8: Make a List of All the People You’ve Wronged, and Be Willing to Make Amends

Posted on 9 March 2026 | Leave a comment

Have you ever been addicted to a person? I have been, and let me tell you that being addicted to a person has been more difficult in my world than being addicted to a substance. I spent several years in a friendship in which I felt like I needed the other person in order to survive, like my livelihood depended on her. But, it didn’t. And, I was dispensable to her, as seemingly not too much sadness went into the dissolution of our friendship on her end, but I have never really had someone just manipulate and use me for such a long time. Usually, you see, I am much better at discerning who people are pretty early on, I am generally pretty closed off emotionally, except for frivolity and lighthearted merrymaking, and I choose close friends really carefully, after a few bad relationships in high school.

So, imagine my surprise when at the age of 50, I’ve poured myself into a friendship that required me to leave behind my other friends, to minimize my time with family, to pay such close attention to the other person’s every emotion that I lost sight of who I was, who I am, and who I want to be. Who I want to be is a person who welcomes everyone into my circle, who loves all people, who makes decisions based on what I want my world to look like, which is inclusive not exclusive. I’ve wrestled recently with how I am fix the situation, and it feels the most like being an addict and having to complete the 12 steps.

The first step is hope: admit you have a problem. For me, this looked like realizing that I was too closely holding onto someone that hadn’t chosen me.

The second step is faith: accept that there is a higher power in the universe and that the higher power can help you move past your addiction. One of the first things I did when I realized that I was addicted to this person, was to move back into a regular time of quiet, meditation, biblical study, and journaling.

The third step is surrender: surrender to a higher will or purpose. I have continued in therapy and am also seeking guidance from a spiritual director to better discern what my next steps are.

The fourth step is soul searching: looking inwardly to realign our intentions. As I move forward, I continually ask myself if where I am going is really in alignment with who I want to be, who I feel called to be, to my higher purpose. I’ve also been reading The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living, which is extremly helpful in realigning.

The fifth step is integrity: speaking the truth about our vulnerabilities. This is something I am trying to get better at. I am trying to have intregrity and speak teh truth at all times, not just when it feels like the other person is trying to get it out of me. If I don’t make things a secret, I won’t feel like I need a special bond with someone in order to share.

The sixth step is acceptance: the knowledge that everyone has both good and bad traits. I accept that I have had soem bad moments, made bad choices, done things I regret, but I also am pretty awesome most of the time. If I can embrace that both things can be true, I can move forward in a new way, instead of constantly looking toward my shortcomings.

The seventh step is humility: knowing I can’t do this life on my own. By surrendering to a higher power, I can have some relief about some of the things I’ve done. I don’t get a free pass to just dismiss that I misplaced my affections and time commitments, but I do get to have help with heavy things.

The eighth step is willingness: make a list of the people you’ve wronged and be willing to make amends. I have a long list of people who I have wronged during the course of this friendship. From people I backshelved to people I outright wronged, there is a long list of friends and relatives I owe apologies to, who may or may not accept them. I just wish I had put as much effort into my dad while he was still alive, as I did into this friendship that began to end the day we finished cleaning out our parents’ house. That moment should have been the writing on the wall, but I kept going back for more for a solid two months. Again, the list is long.

The ninth step is forgiveness: forgiving people who have caused you trauma or pain. This is the step I would say that I am on, both in life in general and in regards to the pain caused by this particular friend. I have experienced a lot of trauma in my life time, compounded by trying to process a lot of it with someone who turned out to be a person who didn’t chose me, who instead for a couple of months used everything she knew about me to intentionally hurt me, or at least to make herself better in the choices she was making. I guess I am working toward getting to a place where I can think about how to try to work forgiveness. Why woudl someone do the things to another person that she did to me? I have no idea. I would never do those things to someone else. So, forgiveness is hard in this instance.

The tenth step is maintenance.

The eleventh step is making contact.

The twelth step is service.

*

I don’t want to leave this entry without admitting that I did some pretty horrible things in the end of our friendship too. I have never sent meaner more horrible text messages to someone than I did to her. I would like to make excuses, but I won’t. What I do know is that pretty much as soon as I realized I’d gone off the rails, I made an appointment with my therapist and nurse practitioner, and I tried to convey that I needed a break from her. That suggestion fell on deaf ears, until things spun so out of control that her therapist suggested that we not be friends anymore, to which I was amenable, even though that text message was one of the most condescending things I’ve ever read. Now I have a really hard time even existing in the same space, because I feel so foolish and so overwhelmed with disgust at my gullability and naivety. I am afraid that, much like a person who is addicted to a substance, that if I am around her too much, I will forget how horrible things got in the end, and how truly bad the friendship was for me in the long term. And, much like a substance addiction, I will never say that there weren’t good times. There were, but they don’t make up for the bad.

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I Am A Reading Fiend. Again.

Posted on 8 February 2026 | Leave a comment

When I was a little kid, my parents worried about how much I read. Some summer days, when my mom was home from school, she’d kick me out of the house and make me go outside to play, so that I wouldn’t spend all day every day reading in my room. In retrospect, I appreicate her instilling a love of nature in me, as well as encouraging me to read, just not too much.

By the time I was in 6th grade, I had read every single book in my little hometown’s public library, and many of them I had read several times. I kept that reading frenzy going throughout my life—sometimes at the expense of other things I should have been doing—but then when I moved back to Indiana from Minnesota, I was paralyzed by depression and work stress, and instead of reading, I’d either sleep or watch movies. In my defense, reading is difficult to do for fun when reading is also my job as an Engish teacher.

I am happy to announce that I have read six books already in 2026, and with one of them being Moby Dick, I am pretty proud of myself. I haven’t added up how many pages that it, but it’s definitely more than I have read in the past several years. Here’s what I am learning by reading for pleasure, and not for work. I love fiction in a way that I had forgotten I love fiction. Fiction takes you to places that you’ll never have the chance to go to without a good book. Fiction allows me to escape, to empathize, to go a little outside of my own experiences and see what other people think. I also love nonfiction, but I already knew that. Reading actual books is a lot easier when I’m not filling my time with social media, and reading books doesn’t make me compare myself to other people or submit me to watching grown people argue constantly.

I’ve also been really diligent about taking some time for quiet and reflection every day, and it has ended up being about an hour each day, plus about 50 minutes of time dedicated to meditation. In the hour each morning, usually, I read a couple of chapters in the Old Testament, a chapter in the New Testament, and a Psalm. I’ve been reading the Psalm out loud, like I mentioned in my last post, and Luna, my pup, doesn’t really love it, but she tolerates me keeping her awake. I also spend some time journaling each day about what I am thankful for and what is a small beautiful thing that I’ve noticed. This ritual is taking me to new places in being centered and present, after having been so chaotic and drifterly for several years. By drifterly, I mean that I have felt like I have been floating through time, moving from event to event without ever stopping to be grounded and present in the moment. That makes me feel really disconnected from the things that mean the most to me.

Similarly, I’ve begun swimming every morning as well. I’m trying to get in 2000 yards each morning before school, and if you’ve ever swum laps, you know that should count as meditation as well. Whether I’m counting my laps, or counting my strokes, or just existing to follow that black line, I can’t, or don’t, think about much else except breathing, so I feel so good when I finish. And, swimming is really good for the body, being both cardiovascular and strength training.

My point in all of this is that, since I am ridiculously self-reflective, that I feel so much better than I have in many years. I feel grounded. I am able to remain present. My brain feels like he is being challenged in new ways. My body feels better. My blood pressure is going down. Basically, all the good things. So, here’s what I am working on: walking at least two miles a day (that goal isn’t going to so well), forgiveness (hard when you don’t have the space to ruminate on it), and judemental behavior (I realized that when I surround myself with judgement, I tend to be like that too).

All of this to say, that I am pleased with my new life, but I am still trying to get better every day. I am healing, but not healed. I am moving forward, but not yet there. I am proud of myself for maitaining my goals for a month.

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Some Silence and Some Contemplation

Posted on 4 January 2026 | Leave a comment

I’ve come back from a place I don’t want to go to again, a place where I couldn’t recognize myself, a place where I lost myself, or rather I gave myself over to what I thought other people needed or wanted me to be. After spending the past several days without social media, disconnected from everyone (no phone), and reading the Bible, journaling, and reading fiction, I’ve discerned that I need to return to, and stay true to, who I am. I need to focus on compassion, love, and kindness. I can’t explain much more without airing dirty laundry, but I lost sight of some of the things that mean the most to me, and I became someone I don’t like, don’t recognize, and absolutely don’t want to be.

While just existing in silence over the past couple of days, I have been able to reflect on my own behavior, but also on the parts of me that were complicit in my own undoing. For example, I am not the type of person who needs constant companionship, yet I put myself in a place where I was constantly busy. Since December 20, I have slept about 12 – 13 hours each night, because I haven’t had commitments every night. I need a LOT of downtime, and I simply wasn’t honoring that about myself, because I was spending every single night doing something. I’ve read three whole books since December 19, which is a huge for me, since I am usually over busy, but I love to read, so I am incredibly happy with my ability to read so much. I’ve learned that I really like my own company and spending time on my couch with my snoring dog. I’ve learned that quiet and simplicity are my friends. 

I have spent time contemplating the Bible, and really digging in, rather than just reading to say I read it for the day, like I usually do. For a couple of years, I have been trying to read through the Bible, despite my M. Div I have never read straight through the Bible, and I am making great progress. I am in Job, which is one of my favorite books, and have passed through the Psalms of David (I am on Psalm 80), and I’m in Acts in the Second Testament, which is also one of my favorite books. I love that I have been reading the Psalms outloud, so that I can hear them as well as read them, because I think they were written to be spoken, since that is how Scripture was passed along originally. And, the words are beautiful, both written and spoken.

I guess what I am trying to say with all of this is that I am trying to get myself back together, again, again. Through silence. Through contemplation. Through slow living and simplicity. Today at church our priest said, “We may be grown but we have a long way to go,” and I really feel that. I am a grown up, I guess (if I have to be), but I also have so far to go to become who I want to be and who I think I should be. I told my wife that it’s weird to be 51 and be in a position where I am still trying to figure out how to be true to myself. I suppose this is why I go to therapy, but also why I need silence and contemplation in the midst of a really loud, confusing, and mostly shitty world.

While just existing over the past couple of days, I have been able to reflect on my own behavior, but also on the parts of me that were complicit in my own undoing. For example, I am not the type of person who needs constant companionship, yet I put myself in a place where I was constantly busy. Since December 20, I have slept about 12 – 13 hours each night, because I haven’t had commitments every night. I need a LOT of downtime, and I simply wasn’t honoring that about myself, because I was spending every single night doing something. I’ve read three whole books since December 19, which is a huge for me, since I am usually over busy. I’ve learned that I really like my own company and spending time on my couch with my snoring dog.

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What You Do Means More Than What You Say

Posted on 1 January 2026 | Leave a comment

On my way to Richmond to visit my grandchildren, I listened to an episode of Criminal, in which Phoebe Judge interviewed Sister Helen Prejean, who is one of the driving forces behind some of most strongly held beliefs and values. I admire her work, he self-reflection, and her ability to carry on in the face of great adversity. At the end of the podcast, Judge shares a quote from Sister Helen, and it made me think about my own life and how I am currenly living it versus how I would like to live it: “It’s important to take stock to see where I am. The only way I know what I really believe is by keeping watch over what I do.” How many times have I just coasted along saying that I believe something without that belief being born out in my actions?

Throughout my life, I have tried to live a consistent ethic, have integrity, use a strong moral compass, but there have been times I’ve failed, but mostly I have been successful at doing what I say I will do and living in a way that makes me proud of myself. But, it always seems like the times when I have not lived in a way that makes me proud are the times that I look back on and replay over and over in my mind. What could I have said differently, what could I have done differently, how could I have handled that better, how could I have lived more closely to the values I hold most dear? And, not one small part of living in the past, trying to solve those old problems, will help me with the people or situations I have in front of my in the present moment, nor will those mistakes or foibles predict how I will live in the future. They are simply time bound and fixed in the past in a way that can’t be amended. Can I apologize? Yes. Will that always work? No. Can I try to make amends? Yes. Will my offers for peace always be received? No.

I would like to begin to live each moment in a way that will make me proud of myself and living each moment with a strong moral compass, a consistent ethic, and with integrity requires presence. In my own, probably harsher than it needs to be, self-assessment, I have not been really present since I purchased my first iPhone back in 2011. I know it was 2011, because as soon as the iPhone was available with Verizon as a mobiel carrier, I converted, because who wants to have carry a phone and iPod? I am absolutely not blaming my phone for my lack of presence, because I know I make all of my own choices. We are all given free will—a fact that I plan to discuss with God when I arrive in heaven—what a poor design! Over the past 15 years or so, I have watched myself descend into a sort of cyborgian, technological abyss. Through social media, I have become hungry for likes and comments, I have aired my dirty laundry and other peoples, I have spent so much time reading inane articles about nothing, and I have allowed my thoughts, views, opinions, and probably so many other things about myself to become shaped and molded by people I will never meet and likely wouldn’t enjoy if I did meet them. So, I just deactivated all of my social media accounts, except Substack, which I rarely use, and this blog.

My biggest goals this year—I delineated my smaller goals or rituals (https://post.substack.com/p/against-resolutions) in a previous post—are to live in the moment, with the people who are around me, and to free myself from my phone addiction. Recently, I have spent upwards of 5 to 6 hours a day on my phone, and that can’t help but make my relationships suffer. My next move, after I write this is to take off all the apps from my phone, except the ones I use every day to communicate, track my health, and meditate. Hopefully, being intentional about being intentional will improve my relationships and the way I interact with the people I love.

While my brother and I were hiking today, I took two photos to send to my wife, since she was back home in Minnesota and couldn’t be with us on our January 1 Hike. Otherwise, I tried to keep my phone in my pocket, and, you know what, I actually enjoyed my hike more today than I do when I try to document every small part of it in photos for social media.

Here’s to being present.

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Posted in Addiction, Joy, Nature, Personal, Relationships, silence, Social Media, State Park, Wellness

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When I Sort My Pills I Pretend I Am Playing Mancala; What This Life Could Be Like

Posted on 18 December 2025 | Leave a comment

Tonight when I was getting my pills ready—two prescriptions for anxiety/depression and allergies; four vitamins/minerals/supplements—I realized that as I was putting each pill in each slot in the container, I was dropping them like I do the stones when I play Mancala, which I have been playing, since I was a child. A game that is so easy, so strategic, so simple, so complex, that I would argue that it is more difficult to play the older you get. Mancala is an excellent metaphor for this life. Something so simple as picking up a handful of stones, distributing them into some holes on a board, can make a game that entertains for hours, but it is also symbolic of the ways in which we pick up things as we live, deposit them in both ourselves and other, and we hope there’s some leftover to keep close to our hearts.

Something so simple as sorting pills, can made me think about my life and what I’ve done well and not done well. When players finish Mancala, the goal is to have the most stones in your bank; when you finish life, for me the goal is to have lived well and stored up some treasures in your life’s bank. Is there a prize for finishing with the most? I watched my mom die a painful death, then I turned around and watched my dad do the same. They were in several of the same rooms at the same hospital, and neither of them made it out to die at home like they wanted. They both were rich in people, comfortable financially, and poor in health. So, watching them makes me wonder, what is the end goal? Wondering about the end goal doesn’t keep me from hoping to put as many stones as possibel in my bank. I want to die well.

Life has been hard lately. A little like Mancala is if you really try to play it well. This past year held a lot of loss for me as my mother-in-law died in April, then one of my most important friendships shifted and will likely come to an end, my dad died painfully since the hospital did not, in fact, turn off his defibrillator as he asked when he checked in and opted for hospice care, and now I am spending the holidays contemplating the end of things and hoping for a new beginning. I suppose that is what this season is for; we sit in darkness reflecting on the past and waiting for a great light in our hope in the future.

I am establishing some new patterns for myself right now, and I am appreciating the simplicity of them, while also looking forward to adding a few more things into my life that only matter to me. Basically, I ramping up the self-care for the New Year, putting my hope in God, and trying to live a kind and compassionate life. So, here are the goals for 2026:

Love more and better. Sometimes when I love, I lose myself. My goal this year is to love so well, that I don’t lose myself, and that the other person gets to become the best version of who they are as well. I lose sight of that sometimes, and try to make people be who I want them to be, but I can’t do that. Other people aren’t my responsibility. I am only called to love them.

Be more honest and vulnerable. I have a tendency to hide what I am really feeling about something, especially if I am confused by it or hurt or sad. I show anger easily—something I am working on—and I show joy easily, but I tend to not explain why I hurt or am sad to people, and I think if I can be more honest and vulnerable, it might strengthen my relationships with many people.

Move more. I plan to start swimming in the mornings before school again. I have been going to bed around 8 and waking up around 5, so that gives me plenty of time to get to the pool to get a couple thousand yards in before school starts. I also plan to start walking/running in the evenings after I come home from school.

Read and write more. When I come home from school, I’ve been turning on the Netflix fireplace and sitting with my books. I read some, I journal some, and I think about what small beautiful things I experienced that day. I’ve also been thinking about what I am grateful for each day. It’s been a lovely practice.

Practice moderation. This is true in food, exercise, time alone, time with people, and so many areas. I need to remember that a plan is a plan, but sometimes moderation is better.

Be present. During meditation, I have experienced moment of radical presence. I’d like to cultivate those into my daily life. I’d like to forget about the past and the future, and simply live in the now. One of my favorite meditations says, “Be simple and easy.” I’d like that.

Practice silence. I plan to spend three days each quarter in a silent retreat. I plan to do these at my own house without any kind of technology, reading and journaling and meditating and praying. I want to give mysel fthe gift of just existing for three days every three months. One full day per month to experience silence and solitude. Hopefully, next winter, I can plan a weekend retreat at a convent or monastery to close out the year of silence.

The year 2025 held a lot of thought about death and dying and ending, so for 2026, I want to focus on living and hope and joy. May it be so.

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