Tag Archives: life

When I Was Little… I Know I Can’t Go Back There

Posted on 22 August 2026 | Leave a comment

In my last post, I wrote about trying to cultivate joy and trying to nourish myself. I have had great success in these endeavors. For the first time, I really celebrated my entire birthday month. I did something magical every single day of July. The magic included bookending the month with trips to the Dunes, spending time with all the people I love, swimming in all five Great Lakes, hiking up a mountain, seeing a waterfall, and having the teenage girl who told me I was dressed like Partick from Sponge Bob randomly choose a birthday sundae for me on the last day on the way home from the Dunes; the magic also included ordinary things like drinking strawby milk after mowing my lawn, watching an Indians game, making homemade sourdough crust pizza, eating fried mushrooms in my car, and watching the moon, the stars, the planets, the clouds, and the sun do their thing in the sky. I made this July count so hard, and it was lovely. I almost reminded myself of the person I used to be. I know I can’t go back to how I was when I was younger, but I can try to choose that activities and events that move me toward the life I want.

When I logged on today, WordPress asked me if I wanted to see a post from another August 22, so, of course, I read it. What I took from that post is that I have been wrestling with the same things for ten years: exercise, food, and my body; compassion, veganism, and faith; love, kindness, and self-love; social media, creativity, and focus; and, financial stability. I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again, I am making progress in regards to these things, and they are always at the forefront of my mind, but they are hard things. Take for example my goals for this year (some asides in parentheses behidn each one):

  1. Love more and better. (I have more friends now that I have had in a long time, because I am making time for them, being present for them, and showing them authentic love. Even if I have to hug them, I will.)
  2. Be more honest and vulnerable. (I am trying to tell parts of my story to the people who have been there the most, making sure I am honest. I have been more vulnerable with others, so that they can help me, and I can help them.)
  3. Move more. (I am moving close to 10,000 steps a day and swimming about 3000 yards whenever I can get to the pool. This week, the pool is open every morning, so that will be 15,000 yards.)
  4. Read and write more. (I have written less than I’ve read, but I have gotten some things down on paper. I have read 35 books so far this year, which is about one per week.)
  5. Practice moderation. (This one is still a conundrum. Moderation? What’s that?)
  6. Be present. (Not only have been meditating twice a day, but I have also been trying to seek presence in my every day life, paying attention to each moment with more intention that I have before. I have also been trying to listen to silence, which is interesting.)
  7. Practice silence. (Yes, I have been maintaining periods of silence, not as many as I’d like, but as many as I can afford.)
  8. Eat in a way that will fuel my body and allow me to live my best life. (I am eating vegetarian and mostly vegan, and I have been since January. I have found a way to fuel well without meat, and mostly without animal products, so that I feel like I can swim and walk without being super hungry.)
  9. Limited social media. (This was awesome from January to when I went to Finland, but I wanted to share my photos with people, and I went back on social media, and I am afraid that I am quite addicted to it. I am working on devising a way to check it once a day, rather than doom scrolling aimlessly. I find that I am not nearly as creative, nor as well read when I am on social media, but if I can limit my engagement to once a day, that will certainly help.)

I am succeeding at these goals, for the most part, and they seem to align with my overarching concerns for the past ten years. I am, maybe, most insecure about the fact that my mind keeps telling me that I should have solved these things by now, but when I look at the goals, they seem like pretty big things to be working on, so it is no wonder that it is taking forever to make any headway. Fortunately, I have made more progress on becoming who I want to be within the past six months than I have in the past several years, because I am pouring into myself. For example, last school year, I would have gone out this past Friday night, even though I was extremely tired, and even though I felt sad to miss out on time with friends (those friends I put on a back burner last year), I made the chocie to stay home, and I fell asleep at 7:30 and slept until 5:30 this morning. I made the choice that was healthy for me, not the one I thought wouldn’t disappoint others.

To be honest, I am really pleased with my life right now. I have lots of friends, who I can count on. My relationship with my wife is beautiful and long-enduring, and I love the way she supports me and takes care of me, in a non smothering, non creepy way. My brother and I hang out a lot, and I love the way he makes life so much fun. Merideth and I text every day and talk every week, and I love that she’s been there for every single season of me and still stays. I am simply feeling blessed right now, and I think feeling my feelings and being realistic—instead of trying to be overly positive/optimisti—has a lot to do with that. And, of course, cultivating joy and trying to nourish myself.

Leave a comment

Posted in Just for Fun

Tagged , , , ,

What’s Good in My World?

Posted on 4 June 2026 | Leave a comment

I have decided to try something new this summer: I have two BIG goals that I am striving toward. But, what’s different about this summer is that I am not telling anyone really about these goals; well, I am telling them I have goals, but not what they are. One of them, I am telling no one (maybe I’ll tell my wife if I feel like it). I told my friend Molly this morning about the other one, and Bec, Merideth, and Adam know about that same one. The other one, however, is just for me. I am being very selfish. I have read a lot lately about having goals that you don’t share until you accomplish them, and how important that is to people as they get older.

On my way to Minnesota, I listened to a book called Lifespan. I recommend it. While I am not sure I can get behind some of it, much of the rest of it seems really important and probably some things that we should strive toward. The thing I am not sure about is that the author David Sinclair advocates taking metformin and another supplement called NMN in order to thwart the aging of our cells. I understand his anecdotal research as well as his medical lab research is compelling, but I have also read other studies, now, including an article from a British medical journal that says metformin has a negligible effect on cell structure and aging. I haven’t done as much research, yet, on NMN, but plan to do so. What I can get behind is that he wants people to add health, not just longevity to their lives, so he suggests regular exercise, lowering food intake, and practicing cognitive functions. I believe that health is most important, and I think diet, exercise, and brain stimulation help us with that. The book was fascinating overall, and I will probably listen to it again some time.

On my way home from Minnesota, I listened to all but about an hour of A World Appears in which Michael Pollan discusses what it means to be conscious on many levels: human, animal, cellular, AI and computer, and likely some other ways that I am not remembering. This book was one of the more interesting books I’ve read recently, because it made me think critically about AI, which I am mostly against. After reading this, I am a bit intrigued by some of the uses of AI and conversations he explores. I thought there was a lot of information, but it was easily digestible, even through an audiobook, because of his writing style, the way he organized the information, and the way he read it (it was excellent, even on 1.3x). The chapters were organized based on large topics, but then broken down logically: “Sentience,” “Feeling,” “Thoughts,” and “Self.” There was also a thread of using psychedelics to facilitate consciousness, which interested me, because so many people are doing research into their use for both meditation and trauma recovery.

For the first time in several years, I am excited for my birthday, I am excited for a new school year, and I am excited to be alive. I am harvesting joy like the older Asian women harvested ramps and wild onions at Fort Ben during COVID! Only I don’t think the joy will run out. Since April, I have visited Finland for a conference for school, watched a baseball game with my 6th graders, gone to Washington DC with my 8th graders, and gone to Minnesota twice. But, the fun thing about my life right now is how I am finding small joys along the way. In Finland, we saw so many jackdaws, and I loved every part of that. My mom and dad always loved birds, so every time I see them, I think of them. I have a pair of cardinals and a pair of mourning doves living the two trees outside my front door. Adam and I have started going to the “Screen Unseen” movies on Monday nights; we share a popcorn, and I get an Icee. I swam an open water swim where the lake weeds touched my face during part of, but our oldest son and two of our grandkids came to watch, and then we got donuts. Bec and I have hiked around Wita Tanka twice and meditated where the Minnesota and Mississippi Rivers come together. I have a new favorite nano-brewery that has the best vibe. I got to sit in the contemplation room at the National Museum of African American History and Culture, and I got to hang out with the best tour guides ever. Luna is getting older and is on drugs, so she is calmer and more fun to be with, and she sleeps soundly through the night, so I do too. I am starting my admin degree in the fall, am coordinating our IMPACT program, and am coaching cross country again in the fall.

Basically, I am loving life right now, because I am spending time nourishing myself instead of someone else, and I am trying to hard to focus, shed negativity, and not jinx my joy by waiting for it to end. The last time I met with my therapist, she suggested that I write down what angers me, with the hopes that I will eventually gain the ability to express that anger to the person in the moment without being too aggressive or overly explaining myself. I have yet to write it out, but at night before I go to sleep, I have been running through my day and making a note of what has angered me. I am also noting where I have been fully present and what has brought me joy.

Leave a comment

Posted in Just for Fun

Tagged , , , ,

What You Do Means More Than What You Say

Posted on 1 January 2026 | Leave a comment

On my way to Richmond to visit my grandchildren, I listened to an episode of Criminal, in which Phoebe Judge interviewed Sister Helen Prejean, who is one of the driving forces behind some of my most strongly held beliefs and values. I admire her work, her self-reflection, and her ability to carry on in the face of great adversity. At the end of the podcast, Judge shares a quote from Sister Helen, and it made me think about my own life and how I am currenly living it versus how I would like to live it: “It’s important to take stock to see where I am. The only way I know what I really believe is by keeping watch over what I do.” How many times have I just coasted along saying that I believe something without that belief being born out in my actions?

Throughout my life, I have tried to live a consistent ethic, have integrity, use a strong moral compass, but there have been times I’ve failed, but mostly I have been successful at doing what I say I will do and living in a way that makes me proud of myself. But, it always seems like the times when I have not lived in a way that makes me proud are the times that I look back on and replay over and over in my mind. What could I have said differently, what could I have done differently, how could I have handled that better, how could I have lived more closely to the values I hold most dear? And, not one small part of living in the past, trying to solve those old problems, will help me with the people or situations I have in front of my in the present moment, nor will those mistakes or foibles predict how I will live in the future. They are simply time bound and fixed in the past in a way that can’t be amended. Can I apologize? Yes. Will that always work? No. Can I try to make amends? Yes. Will my offers for peace always be received? No.

I would like to begin to live each moment in a way that will make me proud of myself and living each moment with a strong moral compass, a consistent ethic, and with integrity requires presence. In my own, probably harsher than it needs to be, self-assessment, I have not been really present since I purchased my first iPhone back in 2011. I know it was 2011, because as soon as the iPhone was available with Verizon as a mobile carrier, I converted, because who wants to have carry a phone and iPod? I am absolutely not blaming my phone for my lack of presence, because I know I make all of my own choices. We are all given free will—a fact that I plan to discuss with God when I arrive in heaven—what a poor design! Over the past 15 years or so, I have watched myself descend into a sort of cyborgian, technological abyss. Through social media, I have become hungry for likes and comments, I have aired my dirty laundry and other peoples, I have spent so much time reading inane articles about nothing, and I have allowed my thoughts, views, opinions, and probably so many other things about myself to become shaped and molded by people I will never meet and likely wouldn’t enjoy if I did meet them. So, I just deactivated all of my social media accounts, except Substack, which I rarely use, and this blog.

My biggest goals this year—I delineated my smaller goals or rituals (https://post.substack.com/p/against-resolutions) in a previous post—are to live in the moment, with the people who are around me, and to free myself from my phone addiction. Recently, I have spent upwards of 5 to 6 hours a day on my phone, and that can’t help but make my relationships suffer. My next move, after I write this is to take off all the apps from my phone, except the ones I use every day to communicate, track my health, and meditate. Hopefully, being intentional about being intentional will improve my relationships and the way I interact with the people I love.

While my brother and I were hiking today, I took two photos to send to my wife, since she was back home in Minnesota and couldn’t be with us on our January 1 Hike. Otherwise, I tried to keep my phone in my pocket, and, you know what, I actually enjoyed my hike more today than I do when I try to document every small part of it in photos for social media.

Here’s to being present.

Leave a comment

Posted in Addiction, Joy, Nature, Personal, Relationships, silence, Social Media, State Park, Wellness

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

When I Sort My Pills I Pretend I Am Playing Mancala; What This Life Could Be Like

Posted on 18 December 2025 | Leave a comment

Tonight when I was getting my pills ready—two prescriptions for anxiety/depression and allergies; four vitamins/minerals/supplements—I realized that as I was putting each pill in each slot in the container, I was dropping them like I do the stones when I play Mancala, which I have been playing, since I was a child. A game that is so easy, so strategic, so simple, so complex, that I would argue that it is more difficult to play the older you get. Mancala is an excellent metaphor for this life. Something so simple as picking up a handful of stones, distributing them into some holes on a board, can make a game that entertains for hours, but it is also symbolic of the ways in which we pick up things as we live, deposit them in both ourselves and other, and we hope there’s some leftover to keep close to our hearts.

Something so simple as sorting pills, can made me think about my life and what I’ve done well and not done well. When players finish Mancala, the goal is to have the most stones in your bank; when you finish life, for me the goal is to have lived well and stored up some treasures in your life’s bank. Is there a prize for finishing with the most? I watched my mom die a painful death, then I turned around and watched my dad do the same. They were in several of the same rooms at the same hospital, and neither of them made it out to die at home like they wanted. They both were rich in people, comfortable financially, and poor in health. So, watching them makes me wonder, what is the end goal? Wondering about the end goal doesn’t keep me from hoping to put as many stones as possibel in my bank. I want to die well.

Life has been hard lately. A little like Mancala is if you really try to play it well. This past year held a lot of loss for me as my mother-in-law died in April, then one of my most important friendships shifted and will likely come to an end, my dad died painfully since the hospital did not, in fact, turn off his defibrillator as he asked when he checked in and opted for hospice care, and now I am spending the holidays contemplating the end of things and hoping for a new beginning. I suppose that is what this season is for; we sit in darkness reflecting on the past and waiting for a great light in our hope in the future.

I am establishing some new patterns for myself right now, and I am appreciating the simplicity of them, while also looking forward to adding a few more things into my life that only matter to me. Basically, I ramping up the self-care for the New Year, putting my hope in God, and trying to live a kind and compassionate life. So, here are the goals for 2026:

Love more and better. Sometimes when I love, I lose myself. My goal this year is to love so well, that I don’t lose myself, and that the other person gets to become the best version of who they are as well. I lose sight of that sometimes, and try to make people be who I want them to be, but I can’t do that. Other people aren’t my responsibility. I am only called to love them.

Be more honest and vulnerable. I have a tendency to hide what I am really feeling about something, especially if I am confused by it or hurt or sad. I show anger easily—something I am working on—and I show joy easily, but I tend to not explain why I hurt or am sad to people, and I think if I can be more honest and vulnerable, it might strengthen my relationships with many people.

Move more. I plan to start swimming in the mornings before school again. I have been going to bed around 8 and waking up around 5, so that gives me plenty of time to get to the pool to get a couple thousand yards in before school starts. I also plan to start walking/running in the evenings after I come home from school.

Read and write more. When I come home from school, I’ve been turning on the Netflix fireplace and sitting with my books. I read some, I journal some, and I think about what small beautiful things I experienced that day. I’ve also been thinking about what I am grateful for each day. It’s been a lovely practice.

Practice moderation. This is true in food, exercise, time alone, time with people, and so many areas. I need to remember that a plan is a plan, but sometimes moderation is better.

Be present. During meditation, I have experienced moment of radical presence. I’d like to cultivate those into my daily life. I’d like to forget about the past and the future, and simply live in the now. One of my favorite meditations says, “Be simple and easy.” I’d like that.

Practice silence. I plan to spend three days each quarter in a silent retreat. I plan to do these at my own house without any kind of technology, reading and journaling and meditating and praying. I want to give mysel fthe gift of just existing for three days every three months. One full day per month to experience silence and solitude. Hopefully, next winter, I can plan a weekend retreat at a convent or monastery to close out the year of silence.

The year 2025 held a lot of thought about death and dying and ending, so for 2026, I want to focus on living and hope and joy. May it be so.

Leave a comment

Posted in Advent, Childhood, Christmas

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

In January… like it’s a magical month.

Posted on 23 October 2025 | Leave a comment

Once again, I need a change in my life. I need consistency. I need peace and grace and hope and love. And I plan to get it. In January.

With the death of my dad in September, in addition to the death of my mom in December 2021, in addition to having to move back to Indiana in August of 2018, in addition to downgrading from a teaching job to $8 an hour barista job when I moved to MN, I have been stuck in a dark cave of depression that has been compounded by trying to heal some childhood wounds and trying to function without external stimulation to compensate for the holes in my heart. Basically, I am trying to get myself to a place where I can live with joy and without being so sad all the time.

In January, I have already committed to returning to veganism, which brings me joy. I am excited about it, and I have started by not eating meat since the day Jane Goodall died. I know that’s a weird marker, but when my mom died, bell hooks died, and when my dad died, Jane Goodall died. So I tried to add more radical love to my life in the first instance, and now I am adding back in veganism in the second instance. If you haven’t already, you should read All About Love by bell hooks and The Book of Hope by Jane Goodall. Both texts have revolutionized my life and how I feel about this difficult life and world, and maybe they will give you food for thought as well. I am encouraged by Goodall’s commitment to veganism and animal rights, and I hope to remain a lifelong vegan this time. I’ve been toying with it since 1992, so it’s probably time to commit.

In January, I also plan to ditch social media for the year, which I hope brings me some joy. A few years ago I switched to a flip phone and loved it, until I had to go on a trip and needed the maps app for directions, so I am just going to employ a strategy in which I remove everything but the essential apps from my phone and then have a friend lock it down with a passcode I don’t know. My brain needs a break from all of the doom and gloom in this world, but I also need to know what’s going on, so I will still follow the news, but at my leisure. I also plan to reinvigorate video game playing, taking photographs, writing here, and reading in place of the social media. I spend a extensive amount of time scrolling through bull shit, like animals dancing and people arguing, on my phone when I could be growing my brain in other ways.

In January, I also plan to start running a mile a day, which my brother and I did quite successfully a few years ago, and which I think helps me focus on getting outside even when I don’t want to. My goal is to reach 20,000 steps a day between running and walking. For me 20,000 steps is about 7.5 to 8 miles. Currently, I average about 10,000 steps, but I am not making any kind of conscious effort to get there, so I think with some effort, I can make it to 20,000. I love being outside, and I do love moving my body, but since the depression got worse and I’ve relegated myself to my couch, probably making the depression even worse, I am stuck in that mode, rather than being my typical outdoorsy self.

In January, I want to start some new traditions, too, like regular silent retreats, weekly “community” meals, meaningful meditation, and going to church more regularly. I don’t know. I just need a change. Again.

Maybe now I can break free?

Leave a comment

Posted in Buddhism, Christianity, Fat Runner, Goals, Health, Hope, Joy, Mental Health, New Year, Peace, Running, Vegan, Vegetarian, Vegetarian or Vegan, Walking, Wellness, Writing

Tagged , , , ,