Things I Think But Never Say

For example:

To skinny little bitches that order caramel frappuccinos with extra whip and extra caramel sauce:
“I hope you have six children and never lose the baby weight!”

To people who have ten drinks in an order and look at you like you aren’t smart enough to remember to give them a drink carrier:
“Really, you need a carrier. No, I thought you might shove them all up your butt and squeeze really tight. On second thought, you look like you may already be making diamonds up there, so I guess you can have a drink carrier or two.”

To that girl that drinks half of her frappuccino and then asks for extra whip and drizzle:
“You already drank half of it, you crazy wench!”

To business men who tell you every morning that you should put in an express lane for drip coffee drinkers:
“There is an express lane…at the gas station!”

To people who speak very slowly to me:
“I have a master’s degree and I am working on a second one. I can process information rapidly and so can my coworkers. Your…total…is…$4….and…55…cents….for…a…grande…white…mocha.”

This is because of all of the hoopla in the Indiana legislature right now.To people who think that because two gay people get married it negates or threatens their wonderful heterosexual marriage:
“Look at the fucking statistics: You have a one in two chance to start with! Your gay neighbors getting married can’t make it any worse! And how in the world can you possibly think that what they do in their bedroom in any way effects what you do in yours?!”

Finally, to people who think that being a Christian means smiling all the time and never having a bad day:
“Piss up a rope. And yes, you are allowed to be grumpy. Jesus gets it.”

There it is. My dark side. Well, part of it. My really dark side fantasizes about wrecking my car, which has a roll cage. But what if, just what if, a sharp thing would stick through the roof at exactly the right place and impale my head or neck or other necessary apendage? Things I think about sometimes. Please, don’t start thinking that I need psychological help. I am really fine with life. I have simply watched too many movies and read too many Thomas Harris and Stephen King books.

I think I just used up all of my ungracious thoughts for the month in one early morning/late night rampage. I guess I am not very Lent-y after all. I could say it was a hard day. It was. There is really no excuse. I just feel not so grace-giving at this moment.

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