I am slowly recovering the pieces of me that were lost to corporate insanity, and I am finding that much of me, the me that I was, is still there as the me that I am. I have survived another period in my life in which I was abused by power-hungry imbeciles. I wonder sometimes how my dad survives. He lives that life every day and has for so many years. How does he keep it from eating away at him? How does he cope?
I am recovering, though, from a sort of dark night of the soul that was spent in the throws of busy-ness. I was too busy to contemplate the Scriptures. I was too busy to contemplate ethics. I was too busy to spend time with people, to get to know them, and to get to love them. I was too busy. Business kept me from the things I love. Business, not idleness, is the devis’s workshop. I have HEARD it said that “idle hands are the devils workshop,” but I KNOW that “if the devil can’t make you bad, he’ll make you busy.” The busier you get, the more you neglect and the more you lose.
I am still busy, but it is in a much healthier way. Actually, I am not busy at all. I am in a blissful state of being nurtured through lack of activity but presence of contemplation. Instead of getting up at 4 and driving to work still asleep, I sleep until 9 and make it to class by 10. I actually get a full night’s rest. Nine hours, every night. I have time at night, when I would have been frantically trying to finish homework, to eat dinner with Bec, talk to my friends on the phone, read for pleasure, and even to be silent and listen. I even have time to go to student activities. I actually have time nearly every morning to read the Bible, and to think about it as both a text and as Holy Writ, but I also have time to read everything for class, too.
I made a commitment to take Sunday as a Sabbath, to celebrate Creation and God, and meditate on the amazing and awesome connection between myself and the cosmos. How minuscule am I! How incredibly small! I am but one small particle in the largess of the universe, but I am a child of God. [They] are aware of me?! I have time to meditate. I think about lots of things. My heart breaks for some, and it rejoices for others. My mind follows along.
I think that is the piece of my recovery that makes me happy: my heart leads.