Waiting is Not My Strong Suit

I hate waiting. I think everything should happen instantly.

I should know right now, today, whether or not I have a job for next school year.

I should know right now, today, if I will have an assistantship for the summer.

I should know right now, today, what will be my future.

I’m impatient. I admit it.

If I could know what my future holds, would I chose to see it? Would I want to know if I was going to get hit by a bus tomorrow? Would I want to know that I would live to be 100 years old? Probably not, but I just hate waiting.

I think what I really hate about waiting is the fact that usually when we wait, we are waiting for someone to evaluate us, to tell us what they think of us, or we are waiting for something over which we have absolutely no control. Fate: that whore.

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I woke up at 9 o’clock this morning. I have done nothing productive yet today. I am the biggest slacker. Ever.

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I have never realized how bad day-time television can be. Desperate Housewives is a really bad show.

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I am really fortunate to have so many great professors. I am slowly realizing their value and their influence in my life. I often require a large skillet clanged against my head in order to understand such things. This time, I am getting it by osmosis.

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I do not regret leaving Grace Church. I miss some of the people, my friends. It was good to see people I haven’t seen in ages. It was good to be back in a place that feels like home. It was good to know that in their own disfunctional way the people there still love me. I missed the time I spent there as both a parishioner and a professional.

But, I do not miss the mind games, the old-boys club, or the way some people find it necessary to manipulate others. Particularly I don’t miss a certain “pit-bull with attitude” who has no ability to see the results of his poorly chosen actions.  A promise is a promise. You don’t reneg. Do you really think what you do is okay? Do you even consider how your actions impact others? No. No. No. I don’t think you do. If you did, you would reconsider. If you had as your first interest the salvation of others, you wouldn’t make it continually about you. That is selfish. We are called precisely to be unselfish, to give unconditionally, to give.

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My brother found this saying on a bridge:

Generosity is not measured by how much we give, but by how much we keep.

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I am still wading through wounds suffered in church. My pastor is leaving. I find it difficult to forgive. I find it difficult to find a reason to go to church. I find it difficult to believe. I find it difficult to put my faith in our church hiring someone like David to replace him. I think we may end up with a conservative, middle-aged, homophobic, pro-life misogynist who wants to put Jesus back in our schools. I don’t want to be there for that. I don’t want that.

And, I am not stupid enough to bind my belief in God with my belief in a man. My doubts have nothing to do with David’s leaving. His leaving just picked open old wounds that I have to let heal again. While they heal, I retain my right to be angry with God. So, God, I am angry with you, but I still love you.