Last night was my first training day for Muncie 70.3 on July 12, 2025. I am excited, and I am terrified. I know training for an event like this is a huge sacrifice, and I know that some people won’t understand why I say no to more things, but this is something I need to do for me, at 50, after weighing almost 300 pounds last May (293 to be exact; after I swore that I would never get fatter than my previous fattest weight of 256). While I am not a real “how much I weigh” person, I do know that after being severely depressed and eating or sleeping my feelings away and having COVID four times, which limited my lung capacity so extremely that walking a mile was hard, I am so happy to be making strides toward better mental health, eating healthy food, and moving my body every day.
I plan to bike and swim on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and run/walk every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. What’s hard about this endeavor is that around the end of April and through May and June, I know I will spend the better part of every Saturday going for long rides and/or long runs. I will miss out on some things, but I have to focus to make this goal a reality. When you choose one thing, a half ironman, you have to give up other things, like going to church every Sunday, or going to breakfast every Saturday, or going on long trips without access to a place to run, bike, or swim. I need for my body and mind to be ready for the second half of this life.
My body will come along with discipline, but my mind is more difficult to change. I struggle constantly with a feeling of not belonging anywhere I am. I struggle at church because I am queer, I struggle at school because I don’t share the same philosophies as some of my colleagues, I struggle in the queer community because I am a Christian, I struggle because I believe that all people should be free and that the broken lands should be given back to their indigenous caretakers, I struggle because I believe in mercy and justice and it seems as if this world isn’t interested in that, and I even struggle sometimes in my friendships because I feel like I am hard to be with since I am not always jovial and prefer really deep conversations most of the time. I guess by 50, I thought I’d have some sense of how to navigate being with people with whom I don’t necessarily fit 100%. Sometimes it hurts, sometimes I am okay with it.
One thing I am hoping is that I can spend my training miles working on my grief and anger at feeling constanly outside of the groups of which I am a part. I know exercise, especially swimming and hiking/trail running, heals me. I guess what I am looking forward to the most during training are the many hours of alone time, so I can process my emotions more efficiently, be present with myself and my surroundings, learn more about myself, and think through how I can process feeling isolated and a bit lonely.
Reason Breeds Insanity 