I’ve come back from a place I don’t want to go to again, a place where I couldn’t recognize myself, a place where I lost myself, or rather I gave myself over to what I thought other people needed or wanted me to be. After spending the past several days without social media, disconnected from everyone (no phone), and reading the Bible, journaling, and reading fiction, I’ve discerned that I need to return to, and stay true to, who I am. I need to focus on compassion, love, and kindness. I can’t explain much more without airing dirty laundry, but I lost sight of some of the things that mean the most to me, and I became someone I don’t like, don’t recognize, and absolutely don’t want to be.
While just existing in silence over the past couple of days, I have been able to reflect on my own behavior, but also on the parts of me that were complicit in my own undoing. For example, I am not the type of person who needs constant companionship, yet I put myself in a place where I was constantly busy. Since December 20, I have slept about 12 – 13 hours each night, because I haven’t had commitments every night. I need a LOT of downtime, and I simply wasn’t honoring that about myself, because I was spending every single night doing something. I’ve read three whole books since December 19, which is a huge for me, since I am usually over busy, but I love to read, so I am incredibly happy with my ability to read so much. I’ve learned that I really like my own company and spending time on my couch with my snoring dog. I’ve learned that quiet and simplicity are my friends.
I have spent time contemplating the Bible, and really digging in, rather than just reading to say I read it for the day, like I usually do. For a couple of years, I have been trying to read through the Bible, despite my M. Div I have never read straight through the Bible, and I am making great progress. I am in Job, which is one of my favorite books, and have passed through the Psalms of David (I am on Psalm 80), and I’m in Acts in the Second Testament, which is also one of my favorite books. I love that I have been reading the Psalms outloud, so that I can hear them as well as read them, because I think they were written to be spoken, since that is how Scripture was passed along originally. And, the words are beautiful, both written and spoken.
I guess what I am trying to say with all of this is that I am trying to get myself back together, again, again. Through silence. Through contemplation. Through slow living and simplicity. Today at church our priest said, “We may be grown but we have a long way to go,” and I really feel that. I am a grown up, I guess (if I have to be), but I also have so far to go to become who I want to be and who I think I should be. I told my wife that it’s weird to be 51 and be in a position where I am still trying to figure out how to be true to myself. I suppose this is why I go to therapy, but also why I need silence and contemplation in the midst of a really loud, confusing, and mostly shitty world.
While just existing over the past couple of days, I have been able to reflect on my own behavior, but also on the parts of me that were complicit in my own undoing. For example, I am not the type of person who needs constant companionship, yet I put myself in a place where I was constantly busy. Since December 20, I have slept about 12 – 13 hours each night, because I haven’t had commitments every night. I need a LOT of downtime, and I simply wasn’t honoring that about myself, because I was spending every single night doing something. I’ve read three whole books since December 19, which is a huge for me, since I am usually over busy. I’ve learned that I really like my own company and spending time on my couch with my snoring dog.
Reason Breeds Insanity 