One of these years, I am going to actually take a Spring Break, one where I go somewhere and do something different than what I have been doing for the other 51 weeks of the year. If BSU’s spring break came a little later, I’d go on a motorcycle trip, but I am afraid I will leave and then it will snow. Then I wouldn’t be able to come home, because I am not riding in the snow. As it is, I never accomplish everything I wish to accomplish in the week anyway, so why don’t I learn to take a break. This year, for example, I had a list a mile long, but I did not complete the most important thing on that list. Because I had been putting off grading and my teaching related concerns to put out other little forest fires, I spent the entire break grading and planning for the rest of the school year and not working on my dissertation proposal.
I had every good intention of sitting down for a long spell with the thing and really hashing through it. That will have to happen in the evenings of this week. I have to get this thing finished and turned in as soon as possible. I am tired of looking at it. The part that sucks about having to do it this week is that Bec is leaving for Minnesota on Saturday, so I won’t be able to spend any quality time with her before she goes. I hate that. At least she’ll be back on Wednesday (?), and I should have everything finished by then.
However, I will have my lifeguarding class all weekend next weekend, so I won’t get to spend any time with her then either. When I say all weekend, I am not exaggerating. It meets on Friday from 6pm to 10pm and Saturday and Sunday from 8am to 2pm. I guess I will be running in the evenings for the next two weekends. And, they are long runs, too. Eight and nine miles for the next two Saturdays.
Yesterday I ran seven miles at a 12:30 to 12:45 minute per mile pace, but I still had difficulty sleeping last night. I think it was a combination of all the life-stress I am experiencing right now, the stupid daylight savings time change, and the fact that I drank a tall regular bold coffee. I haven’t had that much caffeine in a long while. At least I didn’t get heart palpitations this time. I did it because Starbucks is doing a bold coffee promotion in which you get a little card that has all their bold coffees listed. If you drink a tall of all eight of them, you get your choice of a free pound of bold coffee. In the end, you pay as much for the eight tall coffees as you would for the pound of coffee, but since you end up with both in your belly, it sounds like a deal to me.
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I am thankful for time well-spent and weird Lily Tomlin movies.
Food:
Breakfast: banana, juice, pop tart, chocolate milk
Running: shortbread
Lunch: almonds, Pure bar, coffee with honey and soy milk
Dinner: onion rings, Scotty’s French Quarter Quesadilla, 23 oz. Guinness
Snack: small bag of Cadbury eggs
Tonight I went to the Heorot for the first time since July when we went to First Thursdays, the local art gallery openings, and sat outside with Tobias the bank robber. Tobias sort of looked like a cross between Shane Claiborne and David Crowder but without the kind eyes. I think prison for eight years will take away someone’s kind eyes if he had them to begin with. Tonight I had a Bell’s Porter that tasted skunked, a cheese pizza that was pretty salty, and a hacking cough when I left. Yep, it was the Heorot.
I am hoping that the smoke will leave my lungs by tomorrow morning. I am excited about this run because it’s the first one outside since last Saturday’s race in Indy. I am going to run this route, and I am hoping to spend at least part of the time meditating on the parts of the Sermon on the Mount (SotM) I have memorized so far.
Today’s section is Matthew 5: 21-26: You have heard that it was said long ago, “Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.” But I tell you, anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, “Raca,” is answerable to the Sanhedrin, but anyone who says, “You fool,” will be in danger of the fire of hell. Therefore if you are offering your gift at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there and go be reconciled to your brother; then come offer your gift. Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way or he may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. I tell you the truth, you may not get out until you have paid the last penny.
This particular passage reminds me of the way we should treat each other, and in a fanciful way it reminds me of two kids getting sent to the principal’s office. To begin with, it isn’t really about murder in the physical sense; it’s more about murdering the soul of the other person. When we are angry with (or I would add jealous of) someone, our actions can be more vicious than murder and they can farther reaching consequences.What we say about other people and to other people carries tremendous power. I know I have been both the power wielder, saying horrible things about others, but I have also been the recipient of the sharply cut wounds inflicted by the tongues of others. I hope (and I am trying to make it so) that recently I have been not so much of the former.
I think Jesus recognizes that our posturing toward our fellow humans is essential in how we view God. If we are constantly angry at, jealous of, our brothers and sisters, how can we expect to devote ourselves to God? How do we expect to see or receive the kingdom of God? Or better yet, how can we focus our energy on being positive and creating peace, mercy, righteousness, and all those other good things that Jesus talks about in the beginning of this sermon if we are harboring all of that anger and hate in our hearts?
I think this sections is, for me, one of the most challenging sections of the SotM because it’s difficult for me to go to people, tell them how I have wronged them, and then ask for forgiveness. I think this is hard for all of us. And, what do I do if I extend this plea and it returns empty? That’s sticking point of this passage: Jesus doesn’t say go ask forgiveness; he says go and be reconciled. Reconciliation requires work from both sides. If it doesn’t work, are we unable to offer our sacrifices because we cannot rightfully do it with a clean conscience?
The second part of this passage, as I said above, reminds me of two kids getting sent to the principal’s office for fighting: “Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way.” Doesn’t this just make you think of when you were little and you got in trouble. Of course, you knew if made up before you got to the office, the punishment would be much less severe. At least you thought so. At the very least, you had some kind of in with the adults because you had tried to work things out. However, Jesus considers that if you can’t make up on your own, your punishment is just going to get more and more severe: judge to officer, officer to prison, prison to you won’t get out until you have paid the last penny. If you just would have tried to work it out ahead of time, you might not have even ended up in jail, but now you’re stuck there until all the debt is paid.
Basically, what I am trying to say with all of this is that Jesus is continuing the ideas from the earlier sections: there should be something different about the kingdom of God, you should be something different from the rest of the world, and this Jesus thing is a bit more difficult than some cute platitudes. Being part of the kingdom of God is not a walk in the park. It isn’t drudgery; look at all the promises offered in the Beatitudes. But it isn’t all sunshine and roses either. It’s hard work to be a child of God.
Anyway, here is what I have memorized so far:
Seeing the crowd, Jesus sat down on the mountainside. Calling his disciples to him, he began to teach them saying, Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers for they will be called children of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted for my sake for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when you are persecuted, insulted, and people falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad because great is your reward in heaven for they did the same thing to the prophets before you. You are the salt of the world. If the salt loses its saltiness, what is it good for? It is good for nothing and should be thrown out and trampled under foot. You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Do you light a candle to put it under a bowl? Instead you light it and put it on the table so its light can be shared by everyone in the house. Let your light so shine before others so they can see your good deeds and glorify your father in heaven. You have heard it was said, Do not murder, and anyone who murders is subject to judgment, but I say anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, Raca, is answerable to the Sanhedrin, but anyone who says to his brother, You fool, is in danger of hell fire. Therefore if you are offering your gift at the altar and remember your brother is angry with you, leave your gift there and be reconciled with your brother; then return and offer your gift. Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it with you while you are on your way or he may offer you up to the judge, the judge may turn you over to the officers, and the officers will throw you in prison. I tell you the truth, you will not get out until you have paid every penny.
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I am thankful for little kids in funny President’s costumes.
The past three days have been pretty productive on the running front, but not so productive on the grading/research front. I feel like I am getting a little break here in the midst of chaos as I wait for Debbie to go through my revised (though still not un-messy) proposal. I used my break to work on my running skills.
I have been running in Ball Gym on the 1/12 mile track. For some reason, I can pretty consistently run a twelve-minute mile on that track. I am not sure if it is because I can check each lap to see that it takes a minute, or if it is the tininess of the track that makes it seem like I am not running so far, but I can honestly say I think I get a better workout running in circles. On the other hand, I can honestly say that my knees and ankles much prefer running in the very straight, very long outdoors. The constant turning is a bit of a strain on them.
I am looking forward to running five (nice) outdoor miles on Saturday, so I hope the weather holds up for it. My plan is to run to West Side Park and back. Once I finish all my training runs for this week, I will have run 18.5 miles this week—the most I have run in one week. The amazing thing is that when I figure in walking the dogs and going to and from places on campus, I will have run and walked over 32 miles this week. That’s almost five miles a day, which has been the goal since summer; however, I haven’t been able to go that far each day because of the weather. I am so excited that I made it this week! I should throw myself a little party.
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As most of you know, I have added beer back into the diet. I didn’t realize how much I had missed it. There is just something about beer that enables me to focus, and there’s something about it socially that enables people to say things to each other in a way they wouldn’t normally say them. I enjoy that. I had a Stone Ruination IPA tonight with Rachel at Scotty’s, and I remember why I love IPAs.
With a little research, I have concluded that beer, particularly beer with lots of hops, is a good self-medication for me. Hops contains a chemical (dimethylvinyl carbinol) that herbalists use to treat anxiety, restlessness, and insomnia. Since I have been drinking a beer a day, I feel a bit more at peace and my sleep has been pretty level as well. I haven’t had to get up and watch Roseanne at four in the morning for a while, which has been nice.
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I have to admit that I am still a little torn about giving up the Nazarite Vow. As usual, I am a little hard on myself: Could I have tried harder? Should I have just waited a little longer before cutting my hair? Is this feeling of being at ease because of the beer all in my head? Is this simply one more thing I have failed at? And the biggest question of all: Is God disappointed in me?
I am not sure I am naïve enough to think that God is disappointed in me, but is there a biblical precedent in which someone breaks a covenant they’ve made with God where things don’t turn out very badly? I can’t think of one, but I also think that, typically, those situations are ones in which God becomes physically manifest in order to set the covenant with the person. And, no, I am not simply trying to weasel out of what I perceive to be a very serious commitment. I am merely attempting to make sense of my failure to complete this vow.
I sometimes think I should refocus my efforts and regroup, but I like the level of concentration I have when I drink a beer a day. I like that I can go socialize and not be the odd one out, which I guess is selfish and the opposite of what I should feel about breaking a vow. I am trying hard not to dwell on this, but it is obviously a struggle for me. Thanks for putting up with my wrestling over it.
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While I am trying to (re)memorize this Sermon on the Mount, I think I am going to take this blog space to contemplate what each section means to me. So, this is your warning: if you don’t want to read my theological/Scriptural musings, don’t visit this site again until after Easter. However, I will also still write about my daily goings-on, so if you want to know about all that (how’s the running going? what did she eat today? how’s the dissertation going?) then keep reading. If you don’t care about my daily goings-on, and you hate theological banter/idea knocking about, you should probably pack it in for a bit, like for the next 45 days.
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Also, there’s this:
I am thankful for Lent and the time it gives me to reconsider my faith and my relationship to the world.
Food: banana, juice, M&Ms and almonds, green tea, grapefruit, salad, apple, black bean burger with guacamole, salsa, and jalapenos, cooked mixed veggies, some onion rings, beer
Exercise: walked from Burris to RB, ran 3 miles, walked the dogs
Seeing the crowd, Jesus went up on the mountainside and sat down. The disciples came to him and he began to teach them. He said: Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers for they will be called children of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of me for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when you are persecuted, and insulted, and when people falsley say all kinds of evil against you for my sake. Rejoice and be glad because your reward in heaven is great, for they did the same to the prophets before you. You are the salt of the world. If the salt loses its saltiness, what is it good for. It is good for nothing, except to be thrown out and trampled under foot. You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. No one lights a candle and then hides it under a bowl. Instead, the lighted candle is placed on a table and it’s light is shared by all those in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven. Do not think I have come to abolish the law and the prophets. I have not come to abolish them, but to fulfill them. I tell you the truth, until heaven and earth disappear, not one jot or one tittle will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished. Anyone who breaks one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do the same will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but anyone who practices and teaches these commandments will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. For I tell you that unless your righteousness exceeds that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the Law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven.
My Burris secret buddy gave me a peanut butter heart for Valentine’s Day. You all know how much I love peanut butter, and that I can’t eat it at home because of Bec’s death sentence, so I opened the heart with a little gleam in my eye. Well, probably a little more than a gleam, and I broke off one serving (one quarter) of the heart and placed it gingerly on my tongue. In that moment, I experienced all the deliciousness that Reese’s has to offer. I let every nuance of the peanut butter and the chocolate ruminate in my mouth until I couldn’t stand it anymore. I ate the whole thing. In one sitting. All 720 calories worth. And, damn was it ever satisfying.
I didn’t feel so bad about eating the entire heart because I knew I was going to go play racquetball this evening. What a blast! Kellie and I are pretty evenly matched, but she is a tennis player so she has a slight advantage. In fact, she won all four games, but we got a good hour long workout and had fun to boot. She also got to see my amazing catlike skills at ball chasing. Apparently, I have a difficult time locating the ball and then catching it. She says I look just like Tom from the Tom and Jerry cartoons. Minus the bulldog, it’s a bit like this:
Tomorrow I am teaching Rachel’s class because she is snowed in again in Columbus or Germantown or wherever she lives.
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I am thankful for friends who are as wacky as I am.
Food: banana, juice, chocolate milk, burrito frozen thing, Guinness, Reese’s heart, pasta with veggies, IPA, decaf Americano
Exercise: played racquetball, walked the dogs, walked from RB to Burris and back
Seeing the crowd, Jesus went up on the mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them. He said: Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are those who are merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets before you.
Have you ever simply looked around and realized that when you open up and let God have [Their] way with you, you see humbling experiences all around?
That experience could be a friend who loses a child, a students’ mother who has cancer, a friend who is honest about her theological struggles, or a significant other who works hard even in the face of adversity. And somehow, they all seem to handle it with so much more grace than you think you ever could. They seem to dance and swirl in and around these adversities while you plod and thud and generally make a mess of navigating the obstacle course. You trip; they glide. And that’s just how it is. But you recognize it and are humbled by the grace of it all.
Maybe the experience comes in the quirky voice of a young pastor who encourages you to figure out who you really are, and who equates the story of our lives to writing, reminding us that it’s character that drives the story. “Plot grows out of character,” says Anne Lamott. If you have no character, you have a bad plot. What is your character? How is it shaping your plot? Our plot?
Maybe the experience comes in a class in which you feel you don’t belong, but the professor reminds you that you, too, are a teller of truth. You still feel desperately inadequate, and you hope, beyond hope, that you might actually write something that makes you feel less so.
Maybe the experience comes when you learn that people don’t perceive your actions the way you intend for them to perceive them, that they don’t get who you are and what you are about. They don’t understand that more than anything else you respect all of humanity, trying each day to see Jesus inside each body, each heart, each mind.
Maybe that experience comes when you have such an intense respect for others you have a physiological response to homelessness that isn’t pity, but something deeper that you can’t name. Your heart doesn’t break, but you wish that instead of learning from them, you could find something inside yourself to teach.
Maybe these experiences happen all around you, all the time, but you just can’t see them unfolding. Maybe you are so caught up in making your story work that you can’t see the things God is trying to make work for you. That is who I am most of the time, but I am trying to see God’s hand in it, and I am working to let God write my story, and I am seeking to be the character I think I am meant to be. And it’s humbling.
This isn’t the most exciting video, but I think the words go well with how I am feeling right now.
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I am thankful for finishing another draft.
Food: banana, juice, oatmeal, chocolate milk, cookies, rice noodle soup, granola bar, diet 7-Up, rice crackers, two pieces of pizza and bread sticks, Taddy Porter
Exercise: walked the dogs, walked home from church, ran 3 miles, rode bike from RB to church
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Seeing the crowd, Jesus went up on the mountain and sat down. His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them. Blessed are those who are poor in spirit, for their is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for the they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will receive mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of God. Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets before you.
The ideas you find here are solely mine, but I have made every attempt to give credit to any sources I may have used. You should not associate the opinions or ideas written in this blog with my employer, colleagues, or peers. Nothing that you read here is meant in any way to represent anyone else's opinions or ideas, nor is it meant to cause injury to anyone else.
Reason Breeds Insanity 