Category Archives: Dissertation

10K. Another 10K. Italian Food. So Much of It.

Posted on 11 October 2009 | 1 comment

On Saturday, I ran my first 10K. For those of you who read this blog regularly, you know that means I really jogged a 10K, but saying jogged isn’t nearly as sexy as saying ran. So, I ran my first 10K. I finished. Last. Dead last. All said and done, the run took me an hour and twenty-four minutes, which is approximately 13.5 minutes per mile, not so bad for a fat kid. I came in third in my age group. I won a ribbon, a ribbon I promptly lost on the way home. Because I don’t have a car and so my legs wouldn’t be rubber today, I rode my bike to the race. On my way home, my ribbon fell out of my sweatshirt pocket. I am not sure where. I didn’t bother to go back and look. I love it that I came in dead last, but still got a ribbon! Magic. And all good things.

Today is Bec’s fiftieth birthday. The big 5-0. We celebrated by spending time with Ed, Abs, and Iz yesterday and by going to the Salamonie Reservoir to hike about 5.5 or 6 miles today. We started this new tradition last year when it was almost 80º. This year it was less than 50º, but the hike was still excellent. Actually, it was perfect. We walked along the tree trail, which is a trail that has all the tress marked for the students who are supposed to do leaf collections for school, and then cut over to the Kon-Ti-On-Ki Bike Trail. I suppose Kon-Ti-On-Ki is some pseudo-American Indian name, but I think it means Government Mind-Fuck or Big Brother is Watching You because the trail just folds over on itself again and again. Each time we walk it, I swear there is someone hovering slightly above the trees, checking to make sure we follow the path. I am waiting to get shocked for stepping out of bounds.

Once we finished hiking, we drove to Fort Wayne and had dinner at Casa! Ristorante. The food was fantastic, but there was so much of it that we both have at least two meal’s worth of food left over. Right now, I am sitting here watching the Travel Channel’s Extreme Pigout and wondering why we find it necessary to make foods like the ones shown. One restaurant offered two pancakes, each a foot in diameter, topped with a half pound of strawberries, two bananas, and a half-cup of chocolate chips. The order of pancakes is over 2000 calories. For breakfast.  Do we need to wonder why people keep getting fatter? When did it become cool to stuff yourself silly? I mean, the Romans did it once in a while at an orgy, but overindulging every day for every meal is almost certainly an American invention. I get tired of going out for dinner, paying an exorbitant price, and then having food left over that won’t taste anywhere near as good the next day. Pasta and pizza are passable, but most foods are simply not edible (or tasty) a second time around. I would much prefer to pay a bit less and get an actual portion of food. And one that tastes delicious. Don’t get me wrong, our food today was great. In fact, it was one of the best Italian meals I’ve had in a long time, but there was so much! It’s in the fridge now for tomorrow’s lunch. And Tuesday’s lunch.

The coming week is sure to be less hectic than the last, but I am sure it will have its own busy moments. I have several social meetings this week, as well as a couple of new school-related appointments. Tomorrow, I am having coffee with a woman from church after Abs and I have our first meeting for our creative writing group at Burris. Tuesday, I am meeting my friend, Stephanie, at the Blue Bottle for coffee if I don’t forget again! I am supposed to have narrowed down the books I plan to use and start a literature review for my dissertation, so I can meet with Debbie in a week. I know I need to read one book, because I think it will fit in well with my proposed topic. Finally, I need to get the book, Judith Butler’s Frames of War: When Is Life Grievable?, for the group I am in so I can start reading it. Also, I just finished grading my students’ first set of papers, and their second set is due on Tuesday. Just when I thought things would slow down, they have sped right back up again.

1 Comment

Posted in Dissertation, Fat, Food, Reading, Running, School, Teaching

Well, I’m up. What more do you want?

Posted on 9 October 2009 | 2 comments

As nights of no sleep go, this night takes the cake. I went to sleep at 10 PM and woke up sometime around 1:30 AM. I drifted in and out sleep until 2:30, then laid their until I finally got out of bed at 3 AM. Of course, I did what I always do when I can’t sleep. I went downstairs and watched Roseanne.

The two I watched this morning were episodes I had never seen before, so I consider this little bout of insomnia worthwhile. I didn’t realize that Tim Curry was in an episode, playing a con-artist business man, Roger. He plays the skeeze like a master. The best part of the episode was that Sandra Bernhard was in it as Nancy. She wanted to have Roger’s baby, but she hadn’t told him her plan. When he skipped town with $5000 of Nancy’s money and an equal amount of Dan and Roseanne’s, Nancy was only upset because she hadn’t yet ovulated during their relationship.

The second episode was the one in which Darlene and David have sex for the first time, which ends up not really factoring into the episode at all. Instead, the focus is on the fact that Darlene gets accepted into a writing program in Chicago while David does not get accepted into an art program at he same school. Of course, Roseanne flies off the handle because she told Darlene she couldn’t leave Lanford. I guess this was a good way to spend my morning.

I just discovered the most wonderful thing: Roseanne is on for an hour on FOX, then half and hour later, it is on for an hour on Nickelodeon.

It’s almost five now, and I am no less sleepy than I was when I went to bed last night; however, I am wide awake.

I had to stress over my Burris students and the logistics of getting them to read the second MAUS book. Foolishly, I didn’t order the two in one books, which would have been the easier solution. Maybe Rachel’s students will let them borrow their books.

I also had to stress over the way the assignment they are going to do for this unit will unfold. Should I have them work in pairs? By themselves? In groups of three? Should we spend an entire week of class doing the assignment? Will they turn out as well as I visualize them? Will they have deep enough concerns to facilitate a deep-consideration of their topic in comic form?

I had to stress over the race on Saturday, spending the better part of an hour visualizing myself coming in dead-last and trying to maintain a well-adjusted countenance about it. I pictured myself just running to my house and calling Bec, Ed, and Abbie to tell them I chickened out. I could never do that, but being a poor sport has its appeals, like saving face.

I had to stress out over getting a whole new set of papers on Tuesday when I just finished grading this one. I also have all the group presentations for my high school student to grade.

I had to stress out over my dissertation proposal. I kept telling myself that I have no idea what I am doing, so I should just give up. And then I told myself that I will be fine, that no one knows how to write a dissertation or its proposal until it is written, and that I should be able to get it done in three months if I can simply buckle down and do it.

I had to stress over my remaining conferences, because I have two of the most difficult ones today. And I had to sit here thinking about writing the assignment sheet for the next assignment and how the research/position paper is everyone’s least favorite assignment. I thought about how dry, but essential, it is to teach citations, source validity, and researching, in general.

Essentially, my morning has been spent psyching myself up and down about various things in my life and walking up and down the stairs to go to the bathroom. Fantastic.

2 Comments

Posted in Dissertation, Religion, Running, School, Teaching

Comps and Teaching

Posted on 25 September 2009 | Leave a comment

I passed my comprehensive exams. I am not sure how I feel about it just yet. On one hand I am excited to be finished with coursework and being tested, but on the other hand I question that I deserve to pass. Am I really ready? Will I one day be unmasked as the person who knows much less than she should? This is how I feel: twisted up in my middle-parts, not like a jazzfest. keith-haring-montreux-jazz-festival-1983A friend tells me that self-deprecation doesn’t suit me well, and I am not sure that I am necessarily self-deprecating. I would say that I have lots of self-doubt. I don’t know where all that self-doubt stems from, because I used to be self-assured and almost prideful. I knew I could do anything. I knew I was intelligent. I knew that I could skate by in almost any situation.

Maybe it is maturity, maybe it is being around people who are more intelligent than I am, maybe it is simply intellectual development, but I feel less adept at scholarly endeavors now than ever. I think I might just have more of a handle on those things that I don’t know than I did before. I just need to make sure I don’t let those fears, or doubts, paralyze me.

*

I need to get through this dissertation, well, at least the proposal, in a quick minute if I want to keep teaching at Burris. I have until December to get it finished. Or no Burris. And, I do love Burris.

My students are really engaged. Today we discussed race and ethnicity at the turn of the century, using Paul Laurence Dunbar’s “Frederick Douglass” and “We Wear the Mask” and Chief Joseph’s speech, “I Will Fight No More Forever,” at his surrender to the US Army. My students recognized that some racial relationships are cyclical, and were comparing the way the speaker feels in Dunbar’s “Mask” to the way different ethnicities feel they have to put on a mask today. They also did a really good analysis of the original texts, aside from their cultural conversation. It was an excellent discussion, and I was really proud of them! They rock.

*

I think the more I wrestle with my place in academia, the Church, and culture, the more difficult it is for me to clearly define who I am or even who I want to be. Sometimes I feel lost in trying to define myself. But, this feeling of confusion helps me to give more grace to those people around me. My own lost sensibility helps me to recognize the chaos inside other people and to give them more grace.

Maybe that is what the psalmists mean when they write, “Deep calls to deep at the roar of the waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves have gone over me.”  Do the speaker know the feeling of being lost within themselves and wondering if anyone else has ever felt that particular sensation? Or are they merely recognizing the fact that God is the only entity who can clearly save us from our own uncertainties. Is this why Paul later writes in Phillipians, “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength”? Does Paul know how God’s deep settles our unsettled deepness? Do the sons of Korah know this, too? They end their Psalm with these words: “Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.” Of course, if you read Psalm 43 along with Psalm 42, you get the whole picture of the speaker asking God to come to his/her aid.

With that said,  I feel like I am getting more adept at locating other people’s weaknesses and giving them support, but I also feel like I am allowing myself to be more vulnerable and also more accepting of the grace of others. I am not sure what this means, but I feel like it is happening.

If I am becoming more like Christ, bring it on.

I want to live graciously in all ways.

I want to be able to say: “I am your message, Lord. Throw me like a blazing torch into the night, that all may see and understand what it means to be a disciple.” – St. Maria Skobtsova, Orthodox nun and martyr (1891-1945)

Leave a comment

Posted in Dissertation, Grace, Literature, School, Teaching

Vacation. Comps. Pastorless.

Posted on 5 September 2009 | 2 comments

As is the case every year at Labor Day, Bec and I are up here in Wisconsin spending some time with her parents before we go to Door County to camp with Andy, Tim, Claire, and Whitney. This year I think everyone is ready to get away from the madness of the world and spend a little time out in nature, even if it means sleeping out in a tent in the middle of the darkest woods imaginable, using a pit toilet that may or may not be a half-mile from the campsite, and riding our bicycles twenty-plus miles each day. Getting away is a good thing, especially when it involves not bathing in a real shower for a couple of days. We are only camping for two nights, but I wish it could be for weeks. I think I could live out in the woods with no problem. Of course, I would miss my friends, but they could come visit!

Last night for dinner, we had some amazing Sloppy Joes. Georgie had printed off a recipe for “Summer Squash Sloppy Joes,” but it called for a pound of hamburger. I went to the store and got a pound and a half of mushrooms—portabellos and shitakes—and we chopped them up instead of the meat. The resulting sandwiches, complete with broiled buns with cheddar cheese, were tasty. We also had tomatoes, beans, and onions from Jack’s garden. It was a fine repast.

I also ate good food for lunch yesterday. I met a former classmate, Jill, in Green Bay at Z Harvest Cafe. I would love to provide a link, but I don’t think they have a website, and if they do, I can’t find it. I had minestrone soup, the most amazing black bean burger ever, and delicious bread sticks. When I got home, I ate Jill’s homemade banana cream pie for dessert. Not exactly a low-calorie lunch, but it was delicious and that is what food is for, pleasing the palate. What a weird expression, “pleasing the palate,” since the palate is the roof of your mouth and has no taste buds. My lunch titillated my taste buds. They are still tingling. Ah, good alliteration: titillated tase buds tingle. Mmm.

For some reason (a reason like Bec’s snoring) I woke up at 4AM and now I am just waiting until it gets a little lighter outside, so I can go out and run. I would go now, but the front door is right next to Jack and Georgie’s bedroom door, and I don’t want them to wonder why someone is coming in or going out at 5:25. They should be waking up soon, so I will just go once they do. I toyed with not running at all today because we will be biking all day and hiking at least 4.4 miles to take our camping stuff into the campsite. However, hiking with a pack is not the same as running, so I will just do both. I have been walking at least 5 miles, and sometimes as much as 9 miles, each day anyway, so I should be okay with all of it.

EDIT: I just ran 5.86 miles!

*

I passed my comps. I really have nothing else to say about it. Now onto the oral exams; then off to writing my dissertation proposal.

*

Tomorrow is the first day that Agape will be without David, and I am glad we will not be there. I am not sure I want to go back, but I am sure we will. Bec likes to play on the praise team. I want to honor that, and I have to imagine that God will work this together for good for those who love [Them], but I am absolutely scared shitless about the pastor we will get. I said at dinner last night, that if I can attend three services in a row without getting so angry that I want to get up and leave, I will stay. However, if I go three times and get so angry I want to get up and leave, I will be finding a new church.

I know this makes me sound petty and like the least merciful or gracious person around, but I can’t deal with conservative bullshit rhetoric. I am afraid of it. I am not afraid to have my opinion challenged or my beliefs shaken, but I am afraid of being beaten down by people who proof-text Scripture to make minute points about things that don’t matter in the long-run. I hope that this will not be the case, but I fear that it will be.

Essentially, my life is hopeful in every direction except the Spiritual one. Not that this means that my personal faith has been shaken like it has been before in my life, but I question/fear the corporate decisions of my church family. Still, despite my angst, I remain hopeful.

2 Comments

Posted in Dissertation, Food, Religion, School

It’s Been a Long Time…

Posted on 25 August 2009 | 2 comments

…been a long time, been a long lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time. Sure has. Nothing like a little led Zeppelin to get the day going. I am not sure I even really like Led Zeppelin, but I like this song even though I have never really understood what it was about. It’s amazing that I could listen to a song a million times, at every high school dance (the three I went to) and on the radio, and never really get the lyrics.

I suppose it hasn’t really been lonely, but it has been a long time since I have written anything. So much has happened since the last time I wrote, it seems like light years since I went to Michigan, since Merideth got engaged, since I took my comprehensive exams, since Jacob spent two weeks at our house and taught me to love disc golf, and since Dave, the little man who is fixing our house, started fixing our house.

Because so much has been going on, I feel a little life-vertigo, like no matter where I put my foot down, it will be the wrong location and everything might come toppling down. I am not saying this to sound dramatic, I just feel a bit disoriented. I don’t, however, feel stressed, though I must be because I woke up yesterday with this kink in a muscle in my back. Today it was worse. While we were walking the dogs this morning, Bec said that I have the most amazing ability to somatize my stress. I do. I would much rather have a sore muscle than to have some deadly illness like I had last winter.

I started running last winter with the intention of finishing the mini-marathon in Indy, but I got so sick I couldn’t keep running. My lungs were pissed and they were having no part of my exercising in the cold air. Well, I since have started running again, and I am up to running 4 miles at a 12-minute mile pace. I say that’s not too shabby for a fat kid. I was supposed to run this morning, but when I woke up at 5:30, it was dark outside so I slept until 6:30 and walked the dogs.

Since the last time I posted, I have taken a Nazarite Vow that will end when my dissertation is finished. I took it on my birthday, July 22, by shaving my head and spending the day relaxing and contemplating the parameters of the vow. I amended the original Jewish vow, so I am not only following it, but I also added some things of my own. For the next year and a half to two years, I am abstaining from anything containing grapes, wine, or raisins, all alcohol, cutting my hair, eating meat, caffeine, sugary foods. In the same time period, it is my goal to walk at least 5 miles each day, which can include the morning run.  I plan to start swimming three times a week next week, as well. It is also my goal to run a marathon before I turn 40. So far, I am doing pretty well with my goals, and I have been managing quite well abstaining. The side-perk is that I have lost 30-35 pounds.

I feel all rusty and weird writing. I am having a hard time being articulate and creative without feeling like I am forcing it. I guess this is why every writing book, every writer, says that writing should be something that we do every day. I suppose, too, I should actually write about the things I mentioned in the first paragraph, which is typically what one does when setting up a piece of writing. Introduction: body: conclusion.

I should start off by talking about my vacation with Merideth’s family. We stayed at Little Bear Lake Hideaway, and the lake was beautiful. I swam across it, kayaked around it, and ran or walked the road that circled it every day we were there. One day I even went around twice. Usually I was the first one up and out of the cabin, so I got to see the water all quiet and smooth before anyone else was awake to see it. The water was a clear green, and I could see my feet when I was standing up to my neck in the water. The water was also incredibly cold. Very cold. Numbingly cold.

The days went by quickly, too quickly. I could actually live up there on a lake if I could find a job that would sustain me. We went to Gaylord, the closest fairly large town, three times and ate lunch at three decent diners. We went to Lewiston and ate at Talley’s Bar, and Merideth and I went to a little bar by the Outpost for coffee while Josh got Merideth’s clothes ready to go to Mackinac Island.

On Wednesday, we went to the island, and all day Merideth kept talking about wishing she could stay at the Grand Hotel. Finally, when the kids got tired, we walked up to the hotel and pretended we were all going to look at the porch. Little did she know, but Merideth and Josh were staying at the hotel. And, she also didn’t know he was going to propose to her. He did, and she said yes. They are getting married next June 5, and I am performing their wedding on a beach in Florida.

When I got back from Michigan, Bec’s nephew, Jacob, came and stayed with us for two weeks. We painted the outside of the house, which still is not completed, and we pulled up the carpet in the downstairs. We had tons of good conversation, and Jacob cooked dinner for us a few times. The best part of his stay were his disc golf lessons.

Nearly every afternoon, Jacob and I walked down to McCullough Park and pitched some discs. For an hour and a half or so each day, we just chilled and threw discs … and occasionally went poo-diving. Poo-diving happens when someone throws a disc into the drainage channel that runs along the edge of the course. We call the channel, the poo channel, because it is one of the ones that may or may not contain sewage when the storm sewers overflow. I only had to go poo-diving once, but Jacob had to go several times. Yum.

Jacob and I removed the carpet from the downstairs while Dave, the little man that is fixing and rewiring our house, redid the ceiling in the living room. About two weeks ago, he told us that it would only take a couple more days to finish the work, but I think he bit off more than he thought he was biting off with our rewiring. It has been a huge project and most of it had to happen through the uninsulated attic, so for a few days he couldn’t do much because of the intense heat. I can tell you, though, that I am ready for it to be finished, so we can start putting our house back to normal. I want to bring my couch in from the porch.

I took my comps last week and will know by Labor Day whether or not I passed. I am not confident that I did. The hard part about thinking that I may have failed is that I also got a job teaching American Literature at Burris one period a day. If I don’t pass my comps, I don’t get to teach at Burris next semester. If I don’t get to teach there next semester, I lose my foot in the door. And, I want to teach middle school English there next year! I keep trying, in the spirit of my Nazarite vow, to let God be in control and to trust what [They] are doing, but that is so hard for me. It is hard for me to realize that I am not in control, that God is.

I suppose another major event in my life is that my pastor is leaving. Last Sunday was his last Sunday to speak. I was fine until at the end of his message he remarked that he had been at our church for five years, and that it had been a good five years. Then I cried. I cried pretty hard through the last worship set, and then again once it was over. Of course, he came over and harassed me, when I was reading my book to stop myself from crying more, by singing, “I have my books and my poetry to protect me; I am shielded in my armor, hiding in my room, safe within my womb. I touch no one and no one touches me. I am a rock, I am an island.” It’s true, but I am trying to become less of a rock, less of an island. I am trying hard to let people in. I suppose that is why my back has a huge knot in it.

2 Comments

Posted in Beer, Dissertation, Fat, Food, Relationships, Religion, Running, School, Swimming, Teaching, Writing