Category Archives: Just for Fun

We sit down to eat.

Last week’s poem is called “Eat” by Joy Harjo, who was our US Poet Laureate, and who is also one of my favorite poets. The last line of the poem says, “We sit down to eat.” The poem is about all the ways in which wildlife, as well as humans, and really all of nature, rely on each other as food. For example, there is a really beautiful image near the end of the poem: “The night is swallowing/ Daylight.” In this poem, each bit of nature relies on the consumption of the other parts of nature.

Eating is something I think a lot about, because consuming food is a necessity in this life, if we want to stay alive. But, eating, breaking bread, sharing a meal is also a way for us to build community, grow in love with each other, and learn how to give grace in new ways.

To start with, and this piece is important to me because of my faith, Jesus chose to commemorate himself through food: “While they were eating, Jesus took a loaf of bread, and after blessing it he broke it, gave it to the disciples, and said, ‘Take, eat; this is my body.’ Then he took a cup, and after giving thanks he gave it to them, saying, ‘Drink from it, all of you; for this is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.'” (Matthew 26:26-27, NRSV). Jesus could have chosen any other thing to represent himself, but he knew, I think, that food binds people together in a way that really nothing else can. I mean he was building his legacy on top of his own faith’s legacy of the Passover, which is deeply and intricately intertwined with foodways. Jesus reinvented his own culture, and left a legacy of food as a means to wellness, a meal as a healing balm.

I like to think about the ways in which something simple like making my great-grandma’s bakalava recipe binds me back to her and to our shared history. I am not only tied to my great-grandma, but also to my grandma, my mom, my aunts, my cousins. We all share this lineage through a simple dessert. I remember when I was younger, and my Greek family would all gather together for holidays, weddings, funerals, and whatever other occasions, the most important part was the food we shared. My Aunt Aglaia was known for making amazing dolmades, my grandma was known for her spanakopita, my mom for her baklava, and countless other women in my family had their own specialties that they’d bring together to celebrate. As time went on, the gatherings diminished, until recently, we’ve only really met for funerals, which is quite sad.

I also think about the hundreds—or probably thousands—of hours I’ve spent with friends, family, acquaintances, strangers made friends, and others sitting in an uncomfortable booth at Pizza King, a soft comfy chair at a coffeehouse, or at a dining room table in someone’s house sharing a meal, coffee, or dessert, talking, and learning about each other. Food brings out a curiosity and a comfortability that may not have been there previously. We share a meal, we share life, and we come together in a unique way that doesn’t happen outside of consuming food together.

Food creates a social intimacy that cannot be duplicated by anything else. I don’t have words to explain why this happens. I just know it does, because I can feel it when I break bread with others. I know a miracle happens when we sit down to eat.

Sick. This is a process.

The poem I read for this past week is called “When the Fact of Your Gaze Means Nothing, Then You Are Truly Alongside,” and it was written by Donika Kelly. I read the poem every day of the week and the thing I noticed about it, is that the more familiar I got with the poem, the more beautiful it became. I missed the point of it the first couple of days, and then I realized that this poem is all about becoming a part of something so much so, that you don’t notice that you’re a part of it. You are with it, in it, around it, no longer an observer, but a participant. I love the refrain “this is a process.” Everything is a process.

I bumped into a friend of mine at Target this morning. I’ve been sick for a few days, so I had run out of food and had to go buy groceries, which is a much more pleasant thing ona Tuesday morning than it is on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon when I usually shop. But, my friend was telling me about some difficult things in her life, and then she said, but we’ll make it through because we have to. We don’t have a choice. And, of course, this reminded me of the poem I’d been reading for seven days, and that “this is a process.” A process through which we will survive, and, if we’re lucky, grow.

Being sick is a process, too. I have been sick since the Sunday before we went back to school this semester, but I pushed through the first week back, because a teacher never wants to miss during that first week, because that first week is when all of your norms for the classroom get set and routines get established, and it’s rough to ever come back from missing. By Friday afternoon, I left early and went home at 1PM and slept through the night. I felt so much better that I tried to complete the Night Trail 1/4 Marathon, which invovles a headlamp, lots of snow, 6.55 miles of uphill and downhill trekking, and cold temperatures. And, then, by Sunday afternoon, I was sick. As of Tuesday, I am still sick and trying to decide if I will, in fact, be at school tomorrow.

What I am learning from this world right now is that I need to look at life as a process. I can’t help getting sick. I get sick a lot. And it’s usually pretty bad. I’ve had a generally healthy year for me, so I can’t really complain about this round of whatever it is. I didn’t take a COVID test, because I’ve had COVID four times and this doesn’t feel like that. I just feel achy with lots of mucus and a very sore throat. So, I am hoping that I wake up tomorrow right as rain, and that I can be at school, then be at therapy, and then go on our field trip on Thursday and this will be behind me.

This is a process.

Thanks giving. Grateful, Thankful, Blessed.

On this Sunday before Thanksgiving, I am at school sitting at my desk grading papers with the fluorescent lights off and only a little LED lamp that my mother-in-law bought me for Christmas one year plugged in and shining brightly. I would like to be caught up on my grading before I leave for Minnesota for break, but I know that I will only be closer to caught up, because I am still so far behind. I am the furthest behind I have ever been in my professional career. And I am not actually sure I will get caught up in time which is a scary feeling actually. I am not really sure what got me this far behind.

Unless it was cross country season where I spent nearly every Saturday in a bus and outside in the hot sun for hours watching middle schoolers run. Unless it was the addition of a lot of new expectations for communication with people which wears me out in a way I can’t explain. Unless it was my own mental health not allowing me to use every weekend for work because I needed some time to not think about teaching. Unless it was my own relentless struggle with my faith and how to live it in this world. Unless it was that I am paralyzed with fear about the next four years and beyond because let’s be real no one is doing any real systemic thing to try to change this world and it’s functioning exactly as it has been built to function, Capitalistically.

I recently bought a new t-shirt from a former coworker who makes their living by screen printing shirts and being an artist, perhaps one of the new, and last, noble professions. They always make some shirts that donate money to different causes, an admirable thing to do. The most recent shirt I bought from them is the softest, most beautifully colored, best fitting olive green tshirt with an image of a Ball/Mason jar with a black ant and a red ant inside it. They designed the tshirt to reflect Kurt Vonnegut’s famous scene from Cat’s Cradle in which one character say to another: “‘What he was doing was spooning different kinds of bugs into the jar and making them fight.’ The bug fight was so interesting that I stopped crying right away–forgot all about the old man. I can’t remember what all Frank had fighting in the jar that day, but I can remember other bug fights we staged later on: one stag beetle against a hundred red ants, one centipede against three spiders, red ants against black ants. They won’t fight unless you keep shaking the jar. And that’s what Frank was doing, shaking, shaking, the jar.'” I like to think about my shirt in regard to Henry David Thoreau’s observation of ants in Walden, once at war they will simply kill each other until there is nothing left. And the fight is unsettling to watch. We are the ants in both scenarios. As both authors make clear. We’ve been spooned into a jar and the jar is being shaken to shit by systemic nonsense while we simply try to kill each other, metaphorically, of course, because literal killing is frowned upon, unless the person happens to be different than—and usually less powerful than—we are.

Why am I writing today of all days about being behind and about humants? Well, I haven’t written here for a really long time, and it’s almost thanksgiving, and I usually want to be thankful at this time. But this year I am really struggling to find the good in this world. Really. Struggling. Are there things for which I am grateful, thankful, blessed (as the good Christian folk say)? Yes. I am thankful for existing. I am thankful for family and friends. I am thankful for a job. I am thankful for my dog. I am thankful for the sunrise and sunset, the stars and moon, the trees and grass, the water and the land. I am thankful for shelter, food, intellect, students, coffee, and I could go on and on making a list of a million things for which we should all be grateful, thankful, blessed. For which I am thankful.

What I am thankful for pales in comparison to the terror I hold at living life every day as my authentic self in this world right now. I could even explain how the smallest most mundane things thrill me and how people look at me with suspicion when I talk about how in love with this physical world I am when seeing an egg broken on the ground with ants feasting inside on the yolk that is stuck sticky on the sides. Or how people dismiss me when I explain how the lavender of the soy bean fields is my favorite color in this whole wide world. Or how people can’t see that this world is on fire in so many ways, big and small, macrocosmically and microcosmically. We can’t sustain this. We are bifurcated and shored up on those two sides. Everything is not a binary. We don’t talk with each other anymore. We don’t try to be curious or seek understanding. We’ve been made to fear the other. Fear breeds anger breeds fear breeds anger breeds fear… eventually we simply hate.

So, where does this leave me? At a precipice. Do we move forward as if nothing is happening, or do we figure out now how to get caught up, how to live a life we love, how to be grateful, thankful, blessed for the small things, how to right the systems that make us into humants? How do we begin to undo the damage of hatred and separation that is the hallmark of this time period? Do we start a conversation with someone not like us? Do we dare, DARE, share a meal with someone on the other side? Maybe a meal like some bread and wine?

Tomorrow is 123123

Well, this has truly never happened to me before, but I wrote my ideas for goals for 2024 less than a month ago, and I came here today to read them, and I find them to be absolute bull shit. Who was that December 2 woman? I will never reach those lofty goals. I barely want to read them through again, because they are so overwhelming. Why would I even try to do all that to myself!?

Maybe it’s because tomorrow’s date is one for the ages… won’t happen for what, another 100 years? Maybe the countdown (or count up) is what I need to give me a boost. No, what I need on 123123 is to scale back my own expectations for myself. I’ve always been a bit of a slacker, Gen X or no, because I was the person who would do just enough to get the A. Why get 100% when a 90% got you the same grade? An A is an A, and I wasn’t in line to get any great accolades for grades, like I certainly wasn’t valedictorian material or anything, nor would I have wanted to be. I quit my PhD, after passing my comps, because writing was overwhelming while simultaneously being less than stimulating.

On 123123, I want to refocus. Be more basic and not in the white girl at Starbucks kind of way. I want to simplify my expectations for myself and others. I find that my expectations are always loftier than anyone can reach. I need to learn to put aside what I think I want things to be and just appreciate what those things actually are. Being present in the moment makes it so much easier to feel joy.

So here are my goals for 2024:

  • Love more: Give and receive more hugs. Tell people I love them.
  • Be more honest and more vulnerable: Set better boundaries, tell people when they hurt me. Listen to people and believe what they tell me.
  • Move more: I need to get back in the pool. I need to walk more. Maybe some of it will be rucking, because I do love that weighted feeling.
  • Read and write more: Read some bible, read some books, and write sometimes.
  • Eat less and savor more: Be conscious of what I put into my body.
  • Be sober and be present more: Don’t do things that will hurt me, like drink alcohol.

This list is do able. There are no specifics. I am not hemmed in. And it fits who I want to be. I want to be present (sober, honest, vulnerable), loving and kind (hugs, reading, and writing), and physically well (eat less and move more). So, I plan to focus on things that matter to me, and the thing that will help me exist more fully in this world.

Presence.

Love and kindness.

Wellness.

More.

What’s Coming Up in 2024

As usual, around this time of year, I am thinking about what is next, what’s coming up in this year. I have some goals—some are the same I’ve had, some are ones I’ve considerd in the past, and some are new—and plan to take a bit of space to think through them.

  1. Get up at 5AM every day. Walk a mile with Luna. Read a Psalm and some Bible before meditating. 
  2. Read (fiction) and write every day. Watch one (at most) TV show or movie each night. 
  3. Ruck 30 minutes with some hills every evening. Eat good food and less of it. Make sure to have breakfast and lunch. Drink more water. 
  4. Be sober. 
  5. Start my podcast.

I have long had a desire to get up at the same time of day each morning. I’ve read a lot about how beneficial it is to wake up at a set time each day. I am going to go for 5AM, because then I can walk a mile with Luna and do my other morning things without the pressure of time. I don’t have to be at work until 8AM, so that gives me a full three hours of time to get myself acclimated to the day before I have to work. And it gives me 2.5 hours before I even have to be around other people. This large amount of time will also allow for time to read a Psalm and a couple of other chapters in the Bible each morning before I meditate for 10 minutes—I’d like to work up to 20 minutes each morning by 2025.

The next goal is one that has stumped me for years. I want to read some fiction or poetry every single day. I read a lot of nonfiction of all kinds, because it is my favorite, but I don’t read a lot of fiction, and maybe that is why I am not as creative as I’d like to be. Creativity is essential for the other half of this goal. I want to write every day. I am trying to decide if I want to write here, in a private file, or in a notebook each day. My eventual goal is to try to have some kind of memoir-like thing. In order to make this goal happen, I’ll have to watch fewer TV shows and movies, which is part of this goal.

Another goal is to ruck 30 minutes each day after school to wind down before I head home, which pairs with my goals of staying sober, eating breakfast and lunch, and drinking more water. On December 27, I will have been sober from alcohol for two years, and I’ve abstained from some other things for over a year, and some for less than that. I am proud of myself for improving my health in this way, and I think it’s safe now to add back in being vegan. My plan, this time, is to be vegan at home and most of the time when I go out, but if there isn’t something vegan, or if I am visiting someone, or if we go somewhere special, to be flexible and not be a pain in the ass about it, but also to not eat meat. I had been vegan for two years, then had a craving for wings and ate them, then it seemed like too much to ask myself to go back to being vegan, when I was already trying so hard not to drink alcohol. Rucking is a physical exercise that can help me get into better shape while also helping me experience nature, which I hold so dear. And, I am hoping that this exercise will also encourage me to eat better adn drink more water, both things I struggle with.

My biggest goal for 2024 is to start the podcast that I have been wanting to do for the past several years. I have narrowed my many ideas down to two, and I am trying to narrow it down to just one, based on the one that will bring me the most joy, and bring some good into the world. I am leaning toward interviewing ordinary people about ordinary things, choosing five questions to ask my interviewees, while also giving them the opportunity to ask me any question they want, on the spot, at the end of the show. My biggest worry was how expensive the equipment might be for this, but I listened to a podcast called “How to Start a Podcast” by BuzzSprout, and the equipment I’ll need is available for under $500. Some of it, I already own, so I won’t have to spend much at all. Now I just need to get going.