Category Archives: Just for Fun

As usual, around this time of year, I am thinking about what is next, what’s coming up in this year. I have some goals—some are the same I’ve had, some are ones I’ve considerd in the past, and some are new—and plan to take a bit of space to think through them.

1. Get up at 5AM every day. Walk a mile with Luna. Read a Psalm and some Bible before meditating. 
2. Read (fiction) and write every day. Watch one (at most) TV show or movie each night. 
3. Ruck 30 minutes with some hills every evening. Eat good food and less of it. Make sure to have breakfast and lunch. Drink more water. 
4. Be sober. 
5. Start my podcast.

I have long had a desire to get up at the same time of day each morning. I’ve read a lot about how beneficial it is to wake up at a set time each day. I am going to go for 5AM, because then I can walk a mile with Luna and do my other morning things without the pressure of time. I don’t have to be at work until 8AM, so that gives me a full three hours of time to get myself acclimated to the day before I have to work. And it gives me 2.5 hours before I even have to be around other people. This large amount of time will also allow for time to read a Psalm and a couple of other chapters in the Bible each morning before I meditate for 10 minutes—I’d like to work up to 20 minutes each morning by 2025.

The next goal is one that has stumped me for years. I want to read some fiction or poetry every single day. I read a lot of nonfiction of all kinds, because it is my favorite, but I don’t read a lot of fiction, and maybe that is why I am not as creative as I’d like to be. Creativity is essential for the other half of this goal. I want to write every day. I am trying to decide if I want to write here, in a private file, or in a notebook each day. My eventual goal is to try to have some kind of memoir-like thing. In order to make this goal happen, I’ll have to watch fewer TV shows and movies, which is part of this goal.

Another goal is to ruck 30 minutes each day after school to wind down before I head home, which pairs with my goals of staying sober, eating breakfast and lunch, and drinking more water. On December 27, I will have been sober from alcohol for two years, and I’ve abstained from some other things for over a year, and some for less than that. I am proud of myself for improving my health in this way, and I think it’s safe now to add back in being vegan. My plan, this time, is to be vegan at home and most of the time when I go out, but if there isn’t something vegan, or if I am visiting someone, or if we go somewhere special, to be flexible and not be a pain in the ass about it, but also to not eat meat. I had been vegan for two years, then had a craving for wings and ate them, then it seemed like too much to ask myself to go back to being vegan, when I was already trying so hard not to drink alcohol. Rucking is a physical exercise that can help me get into better shape while also helping me experience nature, which I hold so dear. And, I am hoping that this exercise will also encourage me to eat better adn drink more water, both things I struggle with.

My biggest goal for 2024 is to start the podcast that I have been wanting to do for the past several years. I have narrowed my many ideas down to two, and I am trying to narrow it down to just one, based on the one that will bring me the most joy, and bring some good into the world. I am leaning toward interviewing ordinary people about ordinary things, choosing five questions to ask my interviewees, while also giving them the opportunity to ask me any question they want, on the spot, at the end of the show. My biggest worry was how expensive the equipment might be for this, but I listened to a podcast called “How to Start a Podcast” by BuzzSprout, and the equipment I’ll need is available for under $500. Some of it, I already own, so I won’t have to spend much at all. Now I just need to get going.

Once again, this prompt comes from Rachel Greig’s website. What is a place I love? I love so many different types of places, this one is hard to narrow down. Chicago is high on my list, as well as Inverness, but so is Washington Island, and even Fort Benjamin Harrison State Park and Pike Island, which is part of Fort Snelling State Park. I love them all for different reasons, because Chicago is my first big city love, Inverness is a big place that feels slow and personal, Washington Island is hopefully my future home, and the state parks, well, they stand in for all the places I feel close to nature.

If I have to choose one place to say is my most favorite place, I would have to say anywhere that I am with people around whom I can be utterly and totally myself. Whether that is in a huge city, like Chicago where I can get lot in the noise, bustle, and confusion, or whether it is in the woods on an island where I can distantly hear my heartbeat between the birds chirping and the waves crashing on the shore. I guess mostly what I want to talk about is my experiences in the places I love and the people with whom I have spent time there.

When my wife and I first started realizing we were interested in each other in more than a platonic way, we went to Chicago to see an art exhibit at the Chicago Art Institute. I remember being elated to feel warmth of her simply standing next to me as we looked at so many Van Goghs and so many Gaugins. When her arm would brush up against mine, I felt so comfortable and finally at home, a feeling that never has gone away through any ups or downs we may have had. I feel like calling it butterflies is cheesy, but when I think about her and this trip, I remember how new and beautiful our love was and it makes me feel nostalgic and at peace.

*

I guess, after not publishing this when I wrote it and when I look back at this several months later, I recognize that every place I list in the first paragraph is somewhere I love to be with my wife, so really she is my favorite place. There is no other place I’d rather be than with her, doing anything, wherever.

Recently I felt as if I was betrayed by a friend, and I got really in my feelings about it. I was moping and thinking about how much I wish I wasn’t a person who values other people, as in I want to be more like my brother and some of my other friends, who can just stop caring about a person when they have betrayed them enough times. One of my big triggers is feeling like I am someone’s last resort, and I have a friend who makes me feel that way a lot, so instead of getting upset, I turned to looking for ways to “not give away [my] emotional capital” as my therapist so smartly put it a couple of months ago.

Anyway, instead of just being upset at this person, I decided to vent a bit to two people, then I looked to find some articles about how to guard my heart. I found a great article called “Psychotherapist: 10 Ways to Stop Giving People Power Over You,” and while it isn’t the usual heady sort of thing I would usually seek out, the article did have some good information for me to consider. One of the things that resonated the most with me, being an enneagram four and also always seeking to live a consistent ethic, was this bit of advice: Live according to your values.

The part of the advice that seemed the most eye-opening to me was when Amy Morin wrote: “Identify the things that are most important to you, and live accordingly. [. . .] When you are confident in your priorities, other people’s judgments will matter less.” I don’t really know what else I want to say about this, because I wrote this several months ago, but what is here seems like solid enough advice to push the publish button on. Live according to your values.

Because of the season of year, you know, Advent and all of that, I am thinking forward to the new year and what it might hold. As always, I have some goals that may or may not be accomplished, but I am going to set them nonetheless. Here they are in no particular order of importance:

1. Return to veganism. I decided in October that I would stop being vegan for a couple of months and just eat whatever I fancied until December 31, and while I have enjoyed eating some things I’d missed, I also feel an intense amount of guilt because I am behaving out of accordance with my beliefs. While I haven’t had any weird dreams about cows chasing me or having full-on verbal discussions with pigs in a stockyard semi trailer, I have been feeling a bit sad about killing other sentient beings, harming the environment, participating in a violent food chain, and just basically not living in line with my beliefs that all beings are sacred.
2. Remain sober from alcohol and any other vices. I have enjoyed being alcohol free in 2022, so 2023 will remain the same. I make it sound like this is an easy choice, but if you know me, you know I have struggled some this year, and I will probably struggle some next year too. But, what I know is that I like my life without, more than I liked my life with, so I will make a mission to remain free for another 365 days. I may even work on caffeine and sugar, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
3. Observe Sabbath. I’ve planned to do this before, but I want to make it a reality in 2023. My computer will remain in my backpack, my school email will be removed from my phone, and I will spend Sunday going to church, sewing, hanging out with friends and family, and reading books I choose. As another form of Sabbath, or maybe it’s a form of religious devotion but not really Sabbath, I plan to finish reading through the Bible. By reading three chapters a day, I’ve made it to Deuteronomy. I know it’s strange, since I’ve been a Christian from the age of 5 and been to seminary, but I have never read straight through the Bible. I am pretty sure I have read nearly all of the words in the Bible, but never read through it, like the storybook that it is.
4. Move my body and love her. In the past, I have set some sort of parameters on this, but this next year, I just want to move her in any way I can. I want to dance, run, bike ride, swim, walk, hike, jump rope, lift weights, and basically just enjoy the skin I am in. Again, if you know me, you know my body and I have a tenuous relationship, and I have recently been a bit annoyed with her, because as I start into peri menopause, my body just wants to hold onto so many pounds. In fact, I think she may be manufacturing some each day. I guess, what I am trying to say is that we’ve recently been in a fight, but that I am ready to reconcile with her, if she’ll take me back.
5. A book a month. If I am more diligent in grading and less diligent at TV watching, this goal should be an easy one, and I think I may even try to make it a fiction book a month, since I spend most of my free time reading books that most people only read by force. But I really like to know things, so I read a lot of nonfiction. Maybe this year, I will just set myself up for fun sometimes.

“Don’t be concerned about being disloyal to your pain by being joyous.” — Hazrat Inayat Khan

My last goal is to simply be joyful, not necessarily to be happy all the time, because that is disingenuous, but to have an underlying current of joy. In the past year, I have moved from a place of almost constant sorrow and despair, into a place where I can name my emotions, acknowledge them, and then act appropriately on them. I am not a prisoner to my own sadness. So, my biggest goal for this year is to simply live joyfully, to move through life with a love for myself and for others.

Here’s to all of it. Cheers.

Today’s journal prompt is a weird one, but I am going to go with it anyway: “What was an improvement?”

As I was watching the sunset tonight, I was thinking about how I’ve had three very good days in a row, three days of joy, three days of being affirmed, three days of love and fellowship. Beginning with Indy Pride parade on Saturday right up through the most beautiful sunset this evening, I’ve experienced so much joy the past few days, that I have nearly had to pinch myself to make sure I am still living this life.

On Sunday, as I sat in church with my brother and one of my best friends, I heard a sermon that I needed to hear 27 years ago when I first came out of the closet. If you know me, you know I have a lot of things that I need to work on my life, and one of the biggest things I’ve been working on is self-love in regards to my queerness. So, on Sunday when the priest spoke about his experience at the Pride parade on Saturday, I couldn’t help but tear up a little when I heard these words:

“Within the parade, in the gauntlet between the barricades, I saw a constant movement of people, back and forth, to and fro. People darting out from the crowd to hug people they knew. We were walking in joy. But not walking for us. Walking for them. For all those people whose faces were bright with smiles or shiny with tears…and all because they heard someone say, ‘God loves you. No exceptions.’”

We all need to hear these words: “God loves you. No exceptions.” Because God does love you, no exceptions.

I have to think that three days of joy in a row is a vast improvement over the past few months where I’ve found myself not being able to see the good in this world, and the past few months have been a vast improvement over the past few years where I found myself not wanting to live to see the sunset each night. In fact, for so many days each week, just trying to find the energy to live, to leave the house, to make it through the day was a struggle.

In this past week, I have learned some pretty gut wrenching news, and I was able to work through intense anger, sadness, betrayal, disgust, and other emotions. After wrangling with God for a few hours while I meditated and prayed next to a lake, I was able to reach deep inside and extend compassion to the person who I perceived had wronged me. I was able to put myself in her shoes and think about how I would have handled the situation in a different scenario, and I was able to have my heartbroken and repaired and broken and repaired, until I was able to give grace.

The great improvement for me, right now, is being able to live in joy, recognizing all of the other emotions as they show up, feeling them, then moving through, and not dwelling in them. In short, I don’t feel like I am drowning every day, and I will take that as improvement every day of the week.