I suppose I can say without any negative repercussions, except possibly admitting later that I didn’t get either job, that I have applied for two jobs at Burris: a middle school language arts position and an elementary position. I am torn as I try to decide which one I want more.
I love small children because they are wide-eyed with wonder at the world. They haven’t had a chance to become cynical. They still rely on you to present information to them and then to challenge them to think critically about it, and they don’t approach everything you ask them to do with suspicion or incredulity. For the most part they are eager and interested in what’s going on around them. Also, when you teach elementary school, you have the option of teaching everything together. There is no distinct line drawn in the sand between English and Social Studies and Science; they all blend together and one subject supplements the other, like they do in real life.
However, I would also love the middle school job. Middle schoolers are in this amazing in-between place where they aren’t quite grown-ups and they aren’t quite children. Or they are clumsily trying to navigate between the two. I would love this job because there are so many fundamentals in language arts that happen in middle school. In fact, they have released a new study, which says that what students learn in middle school is more of a determinant of their future success than what they learn in high school. That makes sense. A good base is the key to any educational endeavor. Besides, even though they are sometimes snarky and hateful, middle schoolers need teachers who love them unconditionally, but who also enforce the rules and challenge their intellectual abilities. I think the early teenage years, more than most would like to admit, are THE most important years of human development. Children are either made or broken in grades six through eight.
I do know that I grow tired of the drama surrounding the selection process for the jobs. I have an incredibly low tolerance for drama, and my threshold has been reached. I appreciate it when people are honest. For the most part, when people find they have to manipulate others, their desire to do so comes from their own insecurities. I know this, but sometimes it doesn’t make it any better. I will never get why we can’t just be honest with each other and why people need to play games. I simply will never understand it.
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My training for the Indy-Mini, which is coming up one month from tomorrow, is going better than I had anticipated. Last week was the best training week so far. I ran 28 miles, and felt amazing at the end of the week. This week is a “rest” week in which I will only run 17 miles. It should have been 21, but I took today off. I woke up late and have just been exhausted. I have probably been exhausted because I haven’t been eating well, and I am overwhelmed with life right now. Teaching, working on my dissertation proposal, and worrying about all the job stuff wears on my body and it comes out in my physical exhaustion and inability to run hard. I have also started playing racquetball, which contributes to my body’s weariness.
Maybe that’s the best word for my state of being right now: I am weary.Weary.
On a more exciting note, I have almost committed to training for my first marathon. I think I have chosen the 15th Annual Indianapolis Marathon. I am looking for volunteers to run this race at the same time I run it. I say run at the same time because I am so slow (I move at about a 12:30 to 13:00 mile); I would hate to inflict anyone with the burden of actually running with me. Running with me as opposed to running at the same time implies that we would have to stay together while running. We would not. Any takers? The race takes place on Saturday, October 16 and it only costs $50 until July 31.
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I am thankful for rest.
Exercise: racquetball for an hour, walking around campus a bit, walking the dogs
Food: banana, orange juice, tall dark cherry mocha frappucino, Puerto vegetarian D and chips and salsa, two pretzels, seven mini Cadbury eggs, medium cherry/grape Artic Rush
Since a couple of people have mentioned to me the fact that I haven’t written for about 10 days, I thought I’d take a moment while I am supposed to be doing something else to write. Ten days seems to be about the threshold where people start wondering what the heck has happened to me, and it seems to be about as long as I can withstand writing drought. I haven’t written because, for a change, I haven’t had anything to say. I am at a point where I am ambivalent about nearly everything in the news and in my life. What can you say when you are ambivalent, except that you are riding the line on most issues?
There are a few issues that I am quite passionate about, but I can’t really write about them here, since it is a public blog and I don’t really know who reads it. These issues aren’t things I am ashamed of, but they are things that I have to wait to talk about until the entire sequence of events unfolds or they could be spoiled. For these reasons, I haven’t written lately.
Same song. Different performers. Trent Reznor (NIN) wrote it.
I feel a bit like this lately, and it’s the longest funk I have been in to date. I am seriously considering seeking professional help. It isn’t as if I haven’t considered it before because I am proud or because I think people who see psychiatrists are somehow weak. And it isn’t as if I am afraid. I don’t go to the shrink because I have an extremely low opinion of most of them. From what I have seen my many mentally ill friends go through with their medications, their counseling, and their general states of well-being, I just don’t trust the “professionals” who offer their psychiatric services. I also think, in a mostly irrational way, that if I can articulate my pain/disillusionment and think critically about it, then I must not have a problem. Somehow I have come to believe that to need a psychiatrist means that you can’t cognitively decipher your own messed-up thoughts, feelings, desires.
Don’t think I am harmful or dangerous to myself or others. I am not. I am simply sad. I simply feel trapped and like I am unable to see a happy ending to my life. I can rationally say that this feeling probably stems from mental exhaustion or from getting close to the end of my PhD program, but in less rational moments, I have nightmares, anxiety, insomnia, and, as a result, I can be quite thin-skinned and moody.
TIME PASSES: THE NEXT MORNING
See the thing is I think I feel guilty for feeling this way because I really have nothing to be sad about. Well, at least there is nothing happening right now for me to be sad about. I think there are many things from my past that I still haven’t completely processed, that I need to process. But still those things pale in comparison to those other things that are going on around me: people who have lost children, countries devastated by hurricanes, people losing their jobs after many years, and people who are in unfulfilling relationships. My life compares well to others, but to me it feels as if I am simultaneously grateful for this life of mine and ungrateful for the opportunities that cause so much stress. However, this morning I feel more hopeful than I did last night.
Just when I thought I wouldn’t come out of the funk, I feel a little better today. With the exception of my dissertation proposal revision, I have accomplished everything I needed to this week. I have a lifeguarding class all weekend this weekend (6-10 tonight, 8-2 on Saturday and Sunday), but I feel confident that I will have time to finish me proposal and get it to Debbie by Sunday night. We meet again on Wednesday morning. Luckily, I have everything planned for the next couple of weeks for both my Burris students and my BSU students.
Today is a better day. Abs and I play racquetball this afternoon, so it can’t be bad, right?
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I am thankful for meaningful moments in whatever shape they come.
Food: banana, juice, poptart, 3 donut holes, seven layer burrito, nachos, Puerto Vegetarian C, chips and salsa, 1/2 of a Negro Modelo, decaf tall soy latte
The ideas you find here are solely mine, but I have made every attempt to give credit to any sources I may have used. You should not associate the opinions or ideas written in this blog with my employer, colleagues, or peers. Nothing that you read here is meant in any way to represent anyone else's opinions or ideas, nor is it meant to cause injury to anyone else.
Reason Breeds Insanity 