Category Archives: Lent

Lent and Jealousy

Last Wednesday, I went to Ash Wednesday service for the first time in my life. I am not sure why I have never gone before. In fact, my not going makes no sense given the fact that my favorite Christian season is Lent. You would think I had attended every Ash Wednesday service my entire adult life, but until this year, I celebrated my own private death without going to church. That’s what Ash Wednesday is, after all, a celebration of our death to self and our acknowledgment that we are nothing without the power of Christ.

I usually spend Lent contemplative and questioning, but this year I decided to put my questioning on a back burner and to really focus on my relationship with Christ. Not questioning is the hardest part of this, not questioning and merely experiencing. In truth, that last sentence of the first paragraph brings to mind questions, and I had to focus on not entertaining whether people can be something without the power of Christ. Of course they can be, I see people all around me who aren’t Christian who run humanitarian/charitable circles around people I know to be Christian. But, I am trying to put that line of reasoning out of my head, at least for this Lenten season, by focusing on the way Christ is working in my life and the way I see him working in others.

In this way, the way of experience and trying to draw closer to God through the incarnated Christ, I am focusing on a few things for this 40-day period of reflection. So the disciplines I am practicing are focused on the incarnate and not so much on the spirit this time, though I am adding in some reading and meditation.

First, I am fasting in a way that I haven’t fasted since seminary. I am eating a smoothie in the morning, then drinking tea and water for the rest of the day. Before you panic, let me just say that the smoothie contains apple juice, strawberries, blueberries, a banana, aloe, hemp seeds, maple syrup, and wheat germ. In all, it probably contains about 500-700 calories. Certainly, that isn’t enough to live on for an extended period of time, but Lent is only 40 days long. The tea I am drinking is specially formulated to provide well-being while fasting, too. In order to keep up with my running, I may have to add in some more food, but we’ll see how this goes.

Second, I am trying to work on some of my jealousy issues. I have never in my life wanted a baby so badly as I do right now, and it doesn’t seem to help this urge that many people I know are either having or adopting children. I spent spring break in Florida visiting Merideth and her new daughter Tillie. I spent about an hour yesterday with Izzy. I spent a few minutes reading about David and Andrea’s new baby Ezra. I even allowed myself a few moments to look at pictures of the new daughter of one of our students. And I spent quite a bit of time dwelling on my intense jealousy for Abbie’s joy, Merideth’s joy, Andrea’s joy, and even a young mother’s joy. Don’t think for a minute that my jealousy comes at the expense of my recognition of their blessings. Of course, I am thrilled for their blessings, but I also realize that my window for motherhood is quickly dwindling. So, I am focusing on asking for wisdom in navigating both my desire for a child and to find a way to be at peace and to be filled with joy for these friends whose lives are so blessed.

Third, I am praying. Prayer is definitely not a gift of mine. I had friends in seminary who pray a blue streak and every word that came from their mouths was an exquisite utterance of truth and beauty. They could quote scripture while praying, speak hymns while praying, weep and laugh while praying, and weave together poetry with their words while praying. While I am not foolish enough to be envious of their ability to pray, I am foolish enough to believe that I, too, can learn to pray that way. Articulate and artistic.

Fourth, I am reading. I have been working on The Joy of Living and An Altar in the World for spiritual development. Even though they are from two different faith perspectives, the words harmonize so resoundingly with each other that I can feel their timbre resonating within my soul. And it is a beautiful, fulfilling, teaching melody. I have already learned that I need to be less attached to worldly things, but to find the beauty in those things.

Hopefully, the next 40 days will be an exercise in fruitfulness and anticipation for the events of Maundy Thursday, Holy Friday, and Easter Sunday. Come, Lord Jesus, bring your profound and powerful grace.

So Many Things I Want to Write About

There are so many things I want to write about today, but because of a few people who read things here, take them out of context, and spread them around, I am going to censor myself today. It’s a hard thing for me to do, but it’s probably in my best interest. There are so many exciting things going on in my life right now, that I have a nervous, throwing up feeling every time I think of some of them and I don’t want anyone to steal that joy.

One thing I have to say is that I love my education majors! We had an excellent discussion tonight about one of my favorite children’s books Roll of Thunder, Hear My Cry. We talked about race and ethnicity, class, land and money, power, gender, education, hegemony, Emmett Till and the Jim Crow south. The discussion was a far cry from the one we had when we talked about book awards that are given strictly on the basis of race. The next time I teach this class, I think I will make sure we discuss those awards after we read this book because I think it helps the students to see why it is important to have book awards like the Coretta Scott King award. After reading Mildred Taylor‘s book, they seemed to have a much better understanding of the racial and ethnic inequalities in our culture that have been and  still are present, though they did point out that the book seemed to be almost tilted the opposite direction. Well, yeah, she’s writing on the heels of the Black Arts Movement.

Tomorrow, I will return to writing Lent entries, but I have had a weird beginning to the week, so I haven’t had a chance to work on my memorization and consideration of the fifth chapter of Matthew. Tomorrow’s text involves adultery, divorce, and oaths, Oh my!

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I am thankful for great days and hopefulness.

Food: banana, juice, chocolate milk, almonds and M&Ms, two grape pop tarts, vegan lasagna, apple, grapefruit, pure bar, green tea

Exercise: ran 3 miles, walked the dogs, walked from Burris to RB

It’s Been Weird Lately

I’ve been doing quite a bit of helping other people sift through their writing, but not doing a lot of my own writing. It feels a bit strange to read the writing of other people and feel compelled to comment on what I see, but it feels even stranger to be asked to do so by some people who I consider to be way better writers than I am. I just string words together to tell about my experiences, and they hone and craft nouns, verbs, adjective, and adverbs into expressions that could hang next to Monet’s paintings in the gallery. In a cliché expression, they create art and I just put things on paper. I am like the Andy Warhol of writing, only not good or clever.

Don’t let that paragraph make you think I haven’t enjoyed the past couple of weeks. I have. I got to read essays about Mary, learn about Medieval disabilities, understand why a friend ended up in Zambia, and critique letters of recommendation. My skills are multi-faceted. I offer then for free, even when I am not asked. 🙂

I am still working on the SotM, but I didn’t get a chance to work on a passage for today and rather than rush it and pretend like I learned some more, I think I will simply stop here. I need to finish reading a book for class tomorrow night anyway.

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I am thankful for the writing opportunities I have had recently.

Food: banana, juice, grape pop tart, chocolate milk, horrible decaf americano, grapefruit, apple, almonds and M&Ms, vegan lasagna, mac and cheese, porter, salad with two fake burgers

Exercise: walked with Abs for about half an hour, walked the dogs

1 Peter 4:12-19

About a year ago or so I was asked by a friend from high school to explain the verse in 1 Peter 4:18. Embarrassingly, I had never re-read 1 Peter since I had to read it the first time in seminary. This is both lazy and dumbfounding, since Peter is by far my favorite disciple/apostle. His story is  close to my heart because Peter takes a while to understand Jesus and his message. He isn’t like Paul, who is on the road to Damascus, and BAM! his life is changed. Instead, Peter is one of Jesus’ right hand men, but he doesn’t get it. Even up to the very end of Jesus’ life Peter is still confused, in denial, and missing the point. Even after everything Jesus does with Peter and the even after he places his faith in him, Peter cannot commit to agape with Jesus. He can only commit to brotherly love (John 21:15-17). Whether or not 1 Peter is actually written by Peter is debatable, but I think the contents are aligned closely enough with Peter’s other philosophies to assume that the text is at least by a disciple of his.

The question about Peter’s letter then, was humbling and also a challenge. Because I so confused by it, I started wondering about it in broad strokes. What is the context of that Scripture in 1 Peter? What is the context of that section of Scripture in the overall context of the book? What is the role of 1 Peter in the broader context of the Christian realm? What does it mean when Peter (mis)quotes a Proverb that says, “If the righteous receive their due on earth, how much more the ungodly and the sinner!” as the verse that says, “If it is hard for the righteous to be saved, what will become of the ungodly and the sinner?” If I was answering this off the top of my head, I would say it is difficult for the righteous to be saved because they are bound by works, and not by faith in grace.

In order to answer these questions, let me begin by setting 1 Peter in context. 1 Peter was written in the early middle of the time span covered by the writings of the Christian scriptures. The earliest gospel, Mark, was written somewhere between 65 AD and 80 AD, while one of the later texts, The Gospel of John, was written between 90 AD and 120 AD. Most scholars think that 1 Peter was written between 80 AD and 100 AD, and it was geared toward Jewish Christians, but could easily be understood by Christians of all ethnicities and religious backgrounds. The text seems to be about having hope in the face of suffering, but it does not seem to dwell on interminable suffering. For the writer (presumably Peter) of this text, suffering will end eventually, but it should also be expected as part of a life lived in Christ. Simultaneously, as many texts of its age, this epistle was probably written to bolster the faith of Christians who were terrorized by the reign and persecution of Nero. It also may have been to warn about future suffering and persecution.

As I noted above I was asked specifically about verse 18, but I think it is bad to focus all attention on only one verse. It’s called proof-texting, and it is usually done to support one’s point or to make someone else feel bad about his or her level of commitment as a Christian. Let’s just say, it’s something that all people do, but that should never be done. In short, to answer my friend’s question, I think it is necessary to look at the whole passage that contains that verse. For the purposes of this exegesis, I will focus strictly on verses 12-19, because that is all I have time to write about, but I think the ideas of this section are similar to the ideas set forth throughout the whole letter. Here is the text:

Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the spirit of glory and of God rests on you. If you suffer, it should not be as a murderer or thief or any other kind of criminal, or even as a meddler. However, if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name. For it is time for judgment to begin with the family of God; and if it begins with us, what will the outcome be for those who do not obey the gospel of God? And, “If it is hard for the righteous to be saved, what will become of the ungodly and the sinner?” So, then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continues to do good.

To me this seems pretty straightforward until the verses about judgment, but this could be because I am so entrenched in the SotM right now. However, Peter seems to be nearly quoting the SotM, when he says to rejoice in suffering. It seems logical, says Peter, for Christians to expect suffering because Christ suffered. Today, it would be like Gandhi’s followers not to expect hunger, Martin Luther King’s followers not to expect persecution, or environmentalists’ followers not to expect ridicule. Peter thinks that to be a Christian, at the very core, is to expect to have to suffer for your beliefs. How far is his understanding of Christianity from today’s churches that have their coffee shops to entice believers to get out of bed on Sunday mornings? We have changed a bit from the beginnings of our faith.

Anyway, beginning in verse 12, Peter sets down the idea that we shouldn’t be surprised when suffering comes because it should be NO surprise. Our faith is built on the suffering of Christ, so why shouldn’t we suffer?

In verse 13, Peter even tells us to rejoice in the suffering of Christ, in order that we will really get it when Christ’s glory is revealed. He doesn’t, anywhere in this passage, ask Christians to walk around miserable; he commands us, much like Jesus did in his teachings to recognize, learn from, ponder, and rejoice in Christ’s sufferings. He doesn’t say, go out and be miserable because everyone around you should know how devoted to suffering you are.

Instead in verses 14-16, we get the idea that we are to revel so much in the cause the of Christ that people will make fun of us and persecute us. These Christians weren’t getting persecuted because they had Jesus-fish bumper stickers; they were persecuted because they acted counter-culturally, rejoicing in suffering, believing in resurrection, and living communally. Peter writes, echoing the words of Jesus from the Sermon on the Mount, “If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the spirit of glory and of God rests on you. If you suffer, it should not be as a murderer or thief or any other kind of criminal, or even as a meddler. However, if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name.” (On a side note, I love that Peter puts meddlers on the level with murderers and thieves.)

Jesus says in his sermon, “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad because great are your rewards in heaven, for as they do to you, so did they do to the prophets before you.” He continues to elucidate the ways in which Christians should conduct their lives in a better way than those who will be held in judgment for murder, saying that even being angry with your brother or calling him a fool is a punishable offense.

Finally, Peter summarizes these teachings of Jesus by writing that we should praise God that we bear the name Christian. I have to confess, this convicts me a little because I am fond of saying that I am not going to call myself a Christian because of the bad connotation the word Christian carries today. Would Peter be comfortable calling himself a Christian with all the baggage the word carries? Or would Peter be one of the people who speaks out against the difference between what the world perceives to be a good Christian and what being Christian should really look like? I am conflicted.

Then, the text shifts in verse 17 as Peter begins talking about judgment. As these later (in placement in the Bible, not in date) texts tend to do, Peter focuses on the final judgment. He alludes to the fact that the end is near and makes the claim that the judgment (persecution) has begun for those who believe in the risen Christ, so what will that judgment eventually look like for those who do not know the gospel? I think that here Peter is showing his Jewish roots and making a claim about being the chosen people. If God will let us, as Christians be persecuted, what then will God allow to happen to those who do not know the gospel. I also think that Peter may be feeling somewhat compassionate toward non-Christians, as he is certain of his future in Christ, but he is uncertain of theirs. This also maintains the urgency to spread the gospel message, which I will discuss in a bit.

Verse 18, the verse that started this whole adventure, is actually an example of Peter (mis)quoting a Proverb. I put the mis- in parentheses because he doesn’t intentionally misquote Scripture; he simply writes it the way he has memorized it. (Here is where I would normally explain the whole Jewish education system, but if you want to know that information, look it up.) Proverb 11:31 falls near the end of a long list of comparisons between good and evil. As noted above it really says, “If the righteous receive their due on earth, how much more the ungodly and the sinner!” How different is that from what Peter remembers that it says! This Proverb essentially says that if you are righteous, you will receive righteousness, but if you are a sinner, you will receive accordingly.

In its own context, the Proverb falls between one that reads, “The fruit of the righteous is the tree of life, and he who wins souls is wise,” and one that reads, Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid.” I am not sure that the second proverb has anything to do with Peter’s intention except to remind Christians that they need to be open to correction and learning, but the one before it certainly bears on his argument by asking us to consider the fruits of righteousness. Peter was most likely banking on his readers’ understanding of the Proverbs in order for them to be able to apply the broader strokes of this Scriptural reference. In referring to the original Proverb, Peter was hoping that the readers would remember that there is a contrast between good and evil. In other words, the righteous will get theirs, but so will the sinners. You reap what you sow.

Finally, by combining all of the verses up until now with this last verse (19), it seems like Peter wants his readers to understand that their lives are meant to be filled with suffering and the contemplation of it, but that this suffering should remind them of who they are, what their lives should look like, and how their lives should present others with the gospel. Peter is echoing Jesus’ teachings: Blessed are you when you are persecuted for my sake, for yours is the kingdom of heaven. Suffering and persecution are part of Christianity, but there is the hope that we will receive what is ours if not on earth, then in heaven.

My assessment is that verse 18 is not a verse that is meant to scare people into behaving a certain way or that is meant to mean that the ungodly are inevitably doomed. In fact, I think that this whole section of 1 Peter (and in fact the whole of the epistle) is meant to encourage Christians to walk with God in spite of their sufferings, because it is only through their inexhaustible faith and hope in God that they can do good works and reap the heavenly benefits of a life lived with Christ. In fact, like Jesus says in the Sermon on the Mount, “Let your light so shine before others that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.” This verse has a positive implication to compel Christians to live a life exemplary of our faith, and to cast our light far and wide to encourage others to follow Christ. We should commit ourselves to our faithful Creator “and continue to do good.” Do not be discouraged; our actions proclaim who we are and in whom we believe.

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I am thankful for God’s blessings.

Food: banana, juice, chocolate milk, almonds and M&Ms, small piece of vegan lasagna, Chipolte vegetarian salad and chips, Cadbury eggs, short soy latte, decaf Americano

Exercise: walked the dogs, ran 5 miles

Return of the Heorot

Tonight I went to the Heorot for the first time since July when we went to First Thursdays, the local art gallery openings, and sat outside with Tobias the bank robber. Tobias sort of looked like a cross between Shane Claiborne and David Crowder but without the kind eyes. I think prison for eight years will take away someone’s kind eyes if he had them to begin with. Tonight I had a Bell’s Porter that tasted skunked, a cheese pizza that was pretty salty, and a hacking cough when I left. Yep, it was the Heorot.

I am hoping that the smoke will leave my lungs by tomorrow morning. I am excited about this run because it’s the first one outside since last Saturday’s race in Indy. I am going to run this route, and I am hoping to spend at least part of the time meditating on the parts of the Sermon on the Mount (SotM) I have memorized so far.

Today’s section is Matthew 5: 21-26: You have heard that it was said long ago, “Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.” But I tell you, anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, “Raca,” is answerable to the Sanhedrin, but anyone who says, “You fool,” will be in danger of the fire of hell. Therefore if you are offering your gift at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there and go be reconciled to your brother; then come offer your gift. Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way or he may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. I tell you the truth, you may not get out until you have paid the last penny.

This particular passage reminds me of the way we should treat each other, and in a fanciful way it reminds me of two kids getting sent to the principal’s office. To begin with, it isn’t really about murder in the physical sense; it’s more about murdering the soul of the other person. When we are angry with (or I would add jealous of) someone, our actions can be more vicious than murder and they can farther reaching consequences.What we say about other people and to other people carries tremendous power. I know I have been both the power wielder, saying horrible things about others, but I have also been the recipient of the sharply cut wounds inflicted by the tongues of others. I hope (and I am trying to make it so) that recently I have been not so much of the former.

I think Jesus recognizes that our posturing toward our fellow humans is essential in how we view God. If we are constantly angry at, jealous of, our brothers and sisters, how can we expect to devote ourselves to God? How do we expect to see or receive the kingdom of God? Or better yet, how can we focus our energy on being positive and creating peace, mercy, righteousness, and all those other good things that Jesus talks about in the beginning of this sermon if we are harboring all of that anger and hate in our hearts?

I think this sections is, for me, one of the most challenging sections of the SotM because it’s difficult for me to go to people, tell them how I have wronged them, and then ask for forgiveness. I think this is hard for all of us. And, what do I do if I extend this plea and it returns empty?  That’s sticking point of this passage: Jesus doesn’t say go ask forgiveness; he says go and be reconciled. Reconciliation requires work from both sides. If it doesn’t work, are we unable to offer our sacrifices because we cannot rightfully do it with a clean conscience?

The second part of this passage, as I said above, reminds me of two kids getting sent to the principal’s office for fighting: “Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way.” Doesn’t this just make you think of when you were little and you got in trouble. Of course, you knew if made up before you got to the office, the punishment would be much less severe. At least you thought so. At the very least, you had some kind of in with the adults because you had tried to work things out. However, Jesus considers that if you can’t make up on your own, your punishment is just going to get more and more severe: judge to officer, officer to prison, prison to you won’t get out until you have paid the last penny. If you just would have tried to work it out ahead of time, you might not have even ended up in jail, but now you’re stuck there until all the debt is paid.

Basically, what I am trying to say with all of this is that Jesus is continuing the ideas from the earlier sections: there should be something different about the kingdom of God, you should be something different from the rest of the world, and this Jesus thing is a bit more difficult than some cute platitudes. Being part of the kingdom of God is not a walk in the park. It isn’t drudgery; look at all the promises offered in the Beatitudes. But it isn’t all sunshine and roses either. It’s hard work to be a child of God.

Anyway, here is what I have memorized so far:

Seeing the crowd, Jesus sat down on the mountainside. Calling his disciples to him, he began to teach them saying, Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers for they will be called children of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted for my sake for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when you are persecuted, insulted, and people falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad because great is your reward in heaven for they did the same thing to the prophets before you. You are the salt of the world. If the salt loses its saltiness, what is it good for? It is good for nothing and should be thrown out and trampled under foot. You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Do you light a candle to put it under a bowl? Instead you light it and put it on the table so its light can be shared by everyone in the house. Let your light so shine before others so they can see your good deeds and glorify your father in heaven. You have heard it was said, Do not murder, and anyone who murders is subject to judgment, but I say anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, Raca, is answerable to the Sanhedrin, but anyone who says to his brother, You fool, is in danger of hell fire. Therefore if you are offering your gift at the altar and remember your brother is angry with you, leave your gift there and be reconciled with your brother; then return and offer your gift. Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it with you while you are on your way or he may offer you up to the judge, the judge may turn you over to the officers, and the officers will throw you in prison. I tell you the truth, you will not get out until you have paid every penny.

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I am thankful for little kids in funny President’s costumes.

Food: banana, juice, cookies, chocolate milk, almonds and M&Ms, grapefruit, clementine, apple, beer, appetizers, cheese pizza

Exercise: walked to school, walked from RB to Burris, walked from RB to Scotty’s, walked dogs 2 miles