Category Archives: Literature

African Studies Conference

Posted on 6 November 2009 | 3 comments

The conference went off without a hitch. My paper turned out pretty well, and I am happy that I got it finished and that it was not a horrible paper. I am not sure why my ideas take so long to congeal, but I wish they would learn to do it a bit more quickly. At any rate, the coordinator of the conference, Dr. Patton, said she had burning questions for all of us, and congratulated us on our papers, so that is a good sign, right? Our panel chair, Dr. Peterson, engaged each of us in the discussion afterwords, which was enlightening and helpful. What interests me about conference presentations is that even when the papers are not written around a certain theme, they still seem to take on similar qualities. For example, our presentation were all on entirely different ideas, subjects, or themes, but we were able to see definite similarities between the three of them. In short, I think we made BSU look good.

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Posted in Literature, Reading, Writing

Comps and Teaching

Posted on 25 September 2009 | Leave a comment

I passed my comprehensive exams. I am not sure how I feel about it just yet. On one hand I am excited to be finished with coursework and being tested, but on the other hand I question that I deserve to pass. Am I really ready? Will I one day be unmasked as the person who knows much less than she should? This is how I feel: twisted up in my middle-parts, not like a jazzfest. keith-haring-montreux-jazz-festival-1983A friend tells me that self-deprecation doesn’t suit me well, and I am not sure that I am necessarily self-deprecating. I would say that I have lots of self-doubt. I don’t know where all that self-doubt stems from, because I used to be self-assured and almost prideful. I knew I could do anything. I knew I was intelligent. I knew that I could skate by in almost any situation.

Maybe it is maturity, maybe it is being around people who are more intelligent than I am, maybe it is simply intellectual development, but I feel less adept at scholarly endeavors now than ever. I think I might just have more of a handle on those things that I don’t know than I did before. I just need to make sure I don’t let those fears, or doubts, paralyze me.

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I need to get through this dissertation, well, at least the proposal, in a quick minute if I want to keep teaching at Burris. I have until December to get it finished. Or no Burris. And, I do love Burris.

My students are really engaged. Today we discussed race and ethnicity at the turn of the century, using Paul Laurence Dunbar’s “Frederick Douglass” and “We Wear the Mask” and Chief Joseph’s speech, “I Will Fight No More Forever,” at his surrender to the US Army. My students recognized that some racial relationships are cyclical, and were comparing the way the speaker feels in Dunbar’s “Mask” to the way different ethnicities feel they have to put on a mask today. They also did a really good analysis of the original texts, aside from their cultural conversation. It was an excellent discussion, and I was really proud of them! They rock.

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I think the more I wrestle with my place in academia, the Church, and culture, the more difficult it is for me to clearly define who I am or even who I want to be. Sometimes I feel lost in trying to define myself. But, this feeling of confusion helps me to give more grace to those people around me. My own lost sensibility helps me to recognize the chaos inside other people and to give them more grace.

Maybe that is what the psalmists mean when they write, “Deep calls to deep at the roar of the waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves have gone over me.”  Do the speaker know the feeling of being lost within themselves and wondering if anyone else has ever felt that particular sensation? Or are they merely recognizing the fact that God is the only entity who can clearly save us from our own uncertainties. Is this why Paul later writes in Phillipians, “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength”? Does Paul know how God’s deep settles our unsettled deepness? Do the sons of Korah know this, too? They end their Psalm with these words: “Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.” Of course, if you read Psalm 43 along with Psalm 42, you get the whole picture of the speaker asking God to come to his/her aid.

With that said,  I feel like I am getting more adept at locating other people’s weaknesses and giving them support, but I also feel like I am allowing myself to be more vulnerable and also more accepting of the grace of others. I am not sure what this means, but I feel like it is happening.

If I am becoming more like Christ, bring it on.

I want to live graciously in all ways.

I want to be able to say: “I am your message, Lord. Throw me like a blazing torch into the night, that all may see and understand what it means to be a disciple.” – St. Maria Skobtsova, Orthodox nun and martyr (1891-1945)

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Posted in Dissertation, Grace, Literature, School, Teaching

Some Things Make No Sense

Posted on 4 June 2009 | 3 comments

Without wavering, I am pro-choice; however, I am in no way supportive of late-term abortion even though I know these abortions are only performed when two doctors agree that actually having the child will endanger the life of the mother. I think my inability to accept the late-term abortion lies in my struggle to believe that no doctor could tell there would be problems before the fetus is viable. Suddenly, at seven months there are problems enough to put the mother’s life in danger? And, I think my (probably unrealizable) desire to have a child interferes with my ability to be rational in this situation.

With that said, I am sad and disappointed at the death of Dr. Tiller. I am continually amazed at the way that people get so blind-sided by their agenda that they do things that seem to be completely incongruous with their agenda. For example, people who are pro-life killing someone because he did his job. What is even more sad to me is the fact that the anti-Tiller rhetoric has not stopped after his death. The man is dead, now, can we leave him alone? I am sure that the pro-life killer sees this as his mission in life, to stop Tiller from performing future abortions. Still this makes no sense to me. Of course, much of what the Christian right does makes no sense to me.

I am trying hard not to judge the killer, because he was obviously doing what he thought was right, just like Dr. Tiller was doing what he thought was right. In much the same way that Dr. Tiller had a family who loved and supported his work, I am sure his killer has a family that loves and supports him, too. These situations are the ones that cause me to consider some tough theological questions:

  • If God is good why is there such evil in the world?
  • If God is in control of all things, how do [They] let such things happen?
  • How can people rationalize killing a living breathing person, when they live their lives to protect the unborn?
  • Why do people act so irrationally?
  • How can I respond to such violent acts with a heart of grace and an attitude of mercy?

One of the other ideas I wrestle with is trying to understand how Christians ever expect to make an impact on this world when we can’t stop the arguing and fighting that goes on within our religion. I mean, Tiller was at church, serving as an usher, when he was killed! Of course, this internal conflict isn’t new; Paul and Barnabas, two of the first Christian theologians/missionaries split up over an even more insignificant conflict (Acts 15). I have often heard Christians complain about each other, and I have often complained about my conservative Christian friends/brothers and sisters in Christ. Why? Because my idea of what it means to be a Christian and how it looks to live that out doesn’t match theirs.

I will never understand the minds or the actions of conservative people, but I can do my part to recognize their role in the kingdom of heaven as it exists on earth. Maybe this rift is part of the already but not yet kingdom of God. We are already made one in Christ, but we cannot yet recognize our similarities and let them outweigh our differences. I may never pray the sinners’ prayer with someone. I will never go to a pro-life rally. I will never march against gay rights. And, I may never vote for a political candidate based on their commitment to Christian values, but I recognize that I need to give grace to those who do. Part of being a Christian, I suppose, is recognizing our differences and then realizing how God’s grace covers a multitude of sins. Mine and yours.

*

I got a volunteer job writing reviews for a Christian blogging site. I will be receiving a free new-publication book once a month, and, in return, I have to write a 500 word review of that book. My first one, A People’s History of Christianity by Diana Butler Bass, should be arriving shortly. I get three weeks to read it and post a review. I am excited about this opportunity because it has nothing to do with school and is an opportunity for me to read new theological/spiritual books and write about them purely for the enjoyment of doing so. I miss being immersed in the Church. Would I ever go back to working in a church? Yes, in a heartbeat.

*

The purging is going well. I am finding that the hardest things to stay away from are refined sugars and caffeine. I have never realized how hard it is to make food without white sugar, and to keep from drinking caffeinated beverages. I made a huge pitcher of sun tea the other day and forgot that green tea has caffeine in it. I was up until about one in the morning trying to fall asleep!

I am proud to say that I have had no alcohol for the past (almost) three weeks, and I don’t really have the desire for any. Obviously, I really enjoy trying new beers and new drinks, but I can definitely live without them!

I have been reading my bible, but I had to play catch up the other afternoon, because I forgot to read for a couple of days. I took a quilt out on the grass and relaxed in the sunshine while I read. That couple of hours was the most fulfilling afternoon I have had in a while.

Along with all of this purging, I have been thinking about running and much I miss it. I have been walking about 3-5 miles a day, but it is no substitute for running so I have decided to start running again when I get back from vacation. I hope to be able to run all year without getting sick so much over the winter. I think if I maintain my healthy diet, I will be able to achieve this goal. Sometimes I think the food we eat actually makes us sick, but that is for another blog.

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I have been considering taking a Nazarite vow until I am finished with my PhD. While we are on vacation, I will be putting my brother’s hair into dreadlocks. He said that one of the people on the website where he bought his dread-kit decided to put his hair in dreads as part of a Nazarite vow. I respect that commitment. I know that commitment is part of Rastafarianism, which I also respect and am intrigued by because so much of Rasta theology seems right on. I especially like the part where we smoke ganjah as the healing of the nation! I tend to think that if everyone sat around smoking ganjah, or at least hookah, we’d have far fewer problems in this world.

So, I am thinking of taking this Christian, Nazarite vow on my birthday this year, my 35th birthday. I would cut my hair and then let it grow until I finish my PhD. I would abstain from alcohol, caffeine, meat, and sugars until I finish. That would be almost two years, and I didn’t even make it for a whole year the last time. The big plus is the commitment and the fact that I would read through the Bible two whole times during my vow. I am still thinking about it, but it seems like something that draws my spirit.

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Posted in Beer, Feminism, Food, Grace, Literature, Politics, Reading, Relationships, Religion, School

Brides. Purging. Studying.

Posted on 26 May 2009 | 1 comment

I was talking with my pastor before church started on Sunday, and he shared with me an anecdote:

“Do you really believe the church is the bride of Christ?”

“Yes.”

“If you talked about my wife, the way you talk about the Church, I’d kick your ass.”

While this (possibly) wasn’t directed at me, I still felt its sting. If I really believe that the Church is the bride of Christ, why do I talk about it the way I do? I certainly wouldn’t talk about a friends’ wife the way I talk about the Church.

*

It’s been a week since I started trying to rid my body of some of the toxins, and the same length of time since I renewed an old commitment to read my Bible everyday. I find it is easier when I have a plan.

I have been able to take away all caffeine now, doing away with the morning green tea. I have found that I can make some amazing smoothies for breakfast; they are more practical and easy to transport. My favorite one is an apple, a banana, milk, honey, wheat germ, cinnamon, and ice. Another good one is carrots, celery, banana, apple, honey, wheat germ, cranberry-grape juice, and ice; although, it is a little grassy, so if you don’t like “greeny-tasting things” I wouldn’t try it.

I have had only minimal refined sugars, because I had a small piece of cake at a friend’s 80th birthday party, and another piece of cake at my parent’s house on Memorial Day (I didn’t have icing on that one, though). The only extra sugar I have been getting is two tablespoons of honey in my smoothie in the morning. I find that it doesn’t make me feel like other sugar, though, with that high/low feeling like crap by 10 in the morning. Not drinking alcohol the night before is probably helping with that.

I am trying hard to eat healthy food, too. I have been eating fresh vegetables, fruits, and grains while cutting back on the amount of meat and cheese I eat.I have to say that I feel pretty good.

I have also been walking about four miles each day, give or take. I am hoping that Bec and I will start taking evening bike-rides this week. I am going to pump up the tires on her bike today in order to encourage us to ride tonight. We did get up this morning to walk the dogs, which is a good step!

I have read the first seven chapters of Genesis, Ezra, Matthew, and Acts. I think this is a strange way to go about reading the Bible in a year, but I am just following the plan, hoping it will all make sense at the end. I can see some interesting threads by putting four books up against each other that I would never have thought about together. I can see hope/despair, light/dark, oppression/jubilation, and holy/unholy as large ideas that emerge when I think about the four texts together. I am sure there are more, but those are the ones that come readily to mind.

Doing both of these things together is helping me to think positive. I think very soon, my colleagues may think I am a Jesus freak. I am not sure that would be a bad thing.

*

I am growing weary of studying already, and I haven’t really done much of it. The time that Elizabeth and I are spending on Fridays seems to be the most valuable, because I think talking through my ideas using texts that I already know well is more helpful than reading a bunch of texts I have never read before and then trying to see how they fit into the grand scheme of things.

I hope my anthologies come in today because, once I have them, I can start studying specific texts instead of broad sweeps of time periods. Until they come in, though, I am trying to get my mind around the period designations so I don’t accidentally use two books from the same period to answer a question that needs texts from multiple periods. I could see myself doing that in a pinch.

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Posted in Grace, Literature, Reading, Religion, School

Reading. Baking. Flying. Grace.

Posted on 22 April 2009 | 1 comment

Tonight is our annual graduate student creative writing reading, Penscape. Wow! That is a mouthful. Anyway. I am reading along with nine or ten of my colleagues. It will be good. It has to be good. Each of us were asked to read for ten to twelve minutes. I am reading three flash nonfiction pieces, a letter, and a poem. Sort of a mixed bag. I hope people read somethings we all haven’t already read or heard. I always hate it when that happens. You workshop with people and then you get to hear all those same pieces again. I mean, it is pretty cool to see how they revised, but it isn’t cool if it is the same piece you already read.

Two nights ago I spent about four hours baking. One of my professor’s kids is severely allergic to everything. By everything I mean eggs, dairy, and nuts, so I had fun making many snacks that she could partake in. We are also having punch. You know that Hawaiian Punch, Ginger Ale, Sherbet fiasco that they serve at every gathering everywhere until people are old enough to drink beer. That’s the punch! I think there will be some coffee too.

I think the baking runs in the genes, because my mom is baking her fool head off this afternoon. One of her friends asked her to make cookies to use as the favors for her wedding. My mom is making 150 chocolate chip cookies and 150 peanut butter cookies. Right now.

Tomorrow we leave to go to Minneapolis for Andy and Claire’s wedding. Not only do I get to leave Muncie for a few days, I get to spend it with people I don’t see very frequently. I don’t like to fly. I will never fly on United again. It is official: they are charging fat people more for their seats.

I am working on some new writing. Trying to write an essay about grace is hard. Really. Hard. I am going to ask people to post their most grace-filled moments as responses on a special post here. Maybe I will tell them they can send them by email, too. But I want this essay to reflect all types of faiths and non-faiths and the way they exhibit grace. I know what grace should look like in a Christian ethic. I wonder what it looks like in the secular world for people who don’t share my beliefs. I mean I know some stories, but I hope that people will share theirs.

Also, my dissertation has taken on new form. I hope to write about the preaching woman, the food-serving woman, and the way they both implement a certain morality or ethic of grace and redemption in slave-narratives. Every time I articulate my ideas they become more concrete. which makes me happy. Now to press on and find the “so-what” in that, Lauren.

Flexibility. Ah.

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Posted in Beer, CNF, Dissertation, Feminism, Food, Grace, Literature, Reading, Religion, School, Writing