Reason Breeds Insanity

Mostly I have recovered from my mid-night tirade about the BUX. I do love my customers. I am compassionate to their individual needs; I suppose that is why I would never say the things I sometimes think. I would love to get to the point where I am disciplined enough to be immediately compassionate.Now, if I could just get to the point where I don’t even think those things. Maybe I was supposed to be a desert-dwelling nun, or a hippie. Maybe I was both in former lives. I told Becs the other day that I was going to drop out of society, maybe buy a VW bus and live wherever it breaks down. She asked me: “Do you know how bored you would get?” I don’t think I would get bored. I am very self-entertaining. I can spend hours with myself.

Do you know how freeing it is to be able to just read and contemplate? I love having time to meet with people, read, think, write, and just be alone with God. Part if my contemplative adventure, right now, is to learn the art of compassion: to rid my body of anger. I don’t want to think the worst about people but the best: I want to give of myself freely. I don’t want to be the person that assumes, but I am. I assume the worst.

I am coming out: I am a pessimist.

I prefer the term realist. But I am a pessimist.

At best I am a cynic. I had a professor in seminary that once told me there are worse things than being a cynic: at least a cynic cares. “You could just be apathetic like a lot of people,” he said. He is the only facet of seminary that I truly miss.

Esther 9:12, 14-16, 23-25
Because Esther asked, she received. That seems simple enough.

But yesterday I read in 1 John 5: 14-15:
“This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.”

I also think about John 15: 7:
“If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you.”

Conveniently, the other reading for today, Matthew 7:7-12 talks about asking and receiving. “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be open to you.”

Putting all of this together, I think prayer isn’t as simple as asking for something and getting it. Prayer is about aligning our lives with God’s will—”remain in me and my words remain in you”; it is as much a shaping tool for us, as it is a mechanism through which we make our requests known to God. The key for me is to make God’s word so much a part of myself that I think about it constantly and meditate on it constantly, so that it impacts every aspect of my being. I think Esther got what she requested from King Xerxes because her request was within God’s will—she asked “according to God’s will.” She had become so shaped and so molded by God that she desired the desire of God’s heart: to save the Jews. She asked it of [Them], not of herself. Isn’t that the point of Lent? Isn’t the point to so focus on our spiritual lives that we align our wills with the will of God? So that are no longer asking things of ourselves but “according to God’s will”?

The rest of the reading for Matthew seems to bolster this idea that what we ask for we get, but it seems to hinge as well on what we give. Would you give your son a stone to eat? Would you give him a snake? Even though we are corrupt, Matthew says evil, we know what is best for our children, not a snake or a stone, so Matthew writes: “how much more will your father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him?” Finally, Matthew says to do unto others what we would have them do unto us, “this sums up the Law and the Prophets.” Again, I am caused to think about the cyclic nature of grace. What we do determines much of what is done with, for, and to us. (I aslo realize this sounds a bit likes “works theology”. In no way do I think that our salvation comes from our works, but I do believe that our works should prove our salvation.) The law and the prophets are summed up by our alignment with God’s will: do unto others what we would have [Them] do unto us? Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors. Ask “according to God’s will.” Jesus himself prays: “your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.” We can ask, but ultimately we receive God’s will. The task for me is to move my requests closer to God’s will. To ask for what God wants me to have. And then, to be willing to accept it and follow through.

For example:

To skinny little bitches that order caramel frappuccinos with extra whip and extra caramel sauce:
“I hope you have six children and never lose the baby weight!”

To people who have ten drinks in an order and look at you like you aren’t smart enough to remember to give them a drink carrier:
“Really, you need a carrier. No, I thought you might shove them all up your butt and squeeze really tight. On second thought, you look like you may already be making diamonds up there, so I guess you can have a drink carrier or two.”

To that girl that drinks half of her frappuccino and then asks for extra whip and drizzle:
“You already drank half of it, you crazy wench!”

To business men who tell you every morning that you should put in an express lane for drip coffee drinkers:
“There is an express lane…at the gas station!”

To people who speak very slowly to me:
“I have a master’s degree and I am working on a second one. I can process information rapidly and so can my coworkers. Your…total…is…$4….and…55…cents….for…a…grande…white…mocha.”

This is because of all of the hoopla in the Indiana legislature right now.To people who think that because two gay people get married it negates or threatens their wonderful heterosexual marriage:
“Look at the fucking statistics: You have a one in two chance to start with! Your gay neighbors getting married can’t make it any worse! And how in the world can you possibly think that what they do in their bedroom in any way effects what you do in yours?!”

Finally, to people who think that being a Christian means smiling all the time and never having a bad day:
“Piss up a rope. And yes, you are allowed to be grumpy. Jesus gets it.”

There it is. My dark side. Well, part of it. My really dark side fantasizes about wrecking my car, which has a roll cage. But what if, just what if, a sharp thing would stick through the roof at exactly the right place and impale my head or neck or other necessary apendage? Things I think about sometimes. Please, don’t start thinking that I need psychological help. I am really fine with life. I have simply watched too many movies and read too many Thomas Harris and Stephen King books.

I think I just used up all of my ungracious thoughts for the month in one early morning/late night rampage. I guess I am not very Lent-y after all. I could say it was a hard day. It was. There is really no excuse. I just feel not so grace-giving at this moment.

I realized this morning, while spending devotional time with Becky for the first time in I don’t know how long, that I was somehow a day ahead in my little Lent book. I figured out what happened. I missed the fourth day because I combined the readings from that day with day three. This is all so confusing. Not really. I am just slow.

Here are the actual readings for day four. Just pretend we’ve used a tripped out DeLorean to travel back to February 24th. Also, pretend that the urban legend of the prediction about the Florida Marlins in Back to the Future is true.

Isaiah 58:9-14
I am beginning to love Isaiah, if for no other reason than his “if-then” statements. If I were more clever I am sure I could have made that into an “if-then” joke, but alas, no clever today. Throughout my love affair with Scripture, except Paul, I have always preferred the book of Jeremiah to Isaiah. But I must say, through these readings and my personal goal of reading through the Bible, I am gaining quite an affinity for Isaiah. Since I already read verses 9 and 10 when I wasn’t supposed to, I started with verse 11, but the verses that really touched me were 13 and 14. “If” you don’t break the Sabbath and do whatever you want to on my day and “if” you actually observe a willing and joy-filled Sabbath, without speaking idle words, “then” you will find joy in the Lord. Coupled with the readings from Leviticus 19, I can only think that Sabbath doesn’t simply mean not working. Sabbath is a way of life; specifically, Sabbath is a way of life that rebuilds creation, edifies people, and worships God. Sabbath is a way of life that is lived for the benefit of others. Sabbath is a life that constantly meditates on the Word of God. I want this Sabbath Life. I want my words to build up not to remain idle. I want to honor people. I want to treat creation like it is God’s artistic opus. Give me this Sabbath life! Bring on your rain, Lord, I want to be a well-watered garden!

Luke 5:27-32
After reading this passage, I asked myself:
“How many times in your Christian life have you shied away from someone because s/he did not look or act like a righteous person?”
“Would you eat with people who the Pharisees would consider unclean?”
“How many times in your Christian life have you questioned the people that other Christians hang out with because they aren’t Christian enough?”
“Do you shy away from people because they aren’t model citizens?”
“Would you really leave everything you know to follow Jesus? Would you?”
“Do you judge people? Why?”
“Are you righteous or are you a sinner?”
“Are you both? Can you be both?”
“If this happened today, would Jesus come up to you or would you be the Pharisee?”

By saying that he came for the righteous is Jesus saying that the Pharisees already have the law, so they understand, via the old covenant, what it means to have a relationship with God? Or is Jesus inviting them to admit they aren’t righteous and that they are sinners as well? I have never understood the meaning of that last sentence. Coupled with the following passage, I would say that Jesus is setting up the new paradigm: Christianity, through the old one: Judaism. The Pharisees are righteous, but Judaism is the old wineskin. Once the “sinners” taste the new wine, they realize they have come into the new wineskin. I think he is also saying that old wine is fine, but it belongs in the old wineskins. He is new wine pouring himself into new wineskins: the sinners and tax collectors. If he would try to put the new wine (tax collectors and sinners and Himself) into the old wineskin (Judaism), they would burst the skin and then everything would be a mess. As it is, Jesus and his followers are coming alongside the old wineskin in a new wineskin. I think Jesus is saying there is room for both at the party. Okay, I’m finished. Not really. I think that Jesus values the old wineskin, Judaism, enough to continue to participate in it and have a conversation with the Pharisees and the teachers. Jesus never says, throw out the old wineskin. To really throw things off, Jesus says: “No one after drinking old wine wants the new, for he says, ‘The old is better.'” What do I make of that? Is Jesus saying that we should always leave the 1970’s curtains in the fellowship hall, because the new ones wouldn’t be as good as the old green and yellow paisley ones? Okay, really, my thoughts just got a bit too heavy there for a minute.

I don’t know. These are all random bits of conjecture.

Jonah 3:1-10
What is amazing to me about Jonah’s work in Ninevah is the speed with which his declaration seems to overturn the exisitng sin in such a large city. There are no time markers in this text other than the one that says it was a three day walk from one side of Ninevah to the other. We also know that Jonah started preaching after his first day’s walk. I get the feeling when I read this passage that Jonah proclaimed the truth to the Ninevites and they immediately recognized the error of their ways. I think it is my hope that they immediately repented because the text simply says, “The Ninevites believed God.” It never says how long it took for them to get it. As a matter of fact there is no time frame for anything in this chapter. We do not know how long the people fasted. We do not know how long it took the message to get to the King. We do not know how long Jonah toiled and preached to entice the people to listen. But we do know that God had compassion on them when they repented and changed their lives. I like to think that like most Biblical stories everything happened within that 40 day time frame, but it seems a bit too neat and tidy.

Luke 11:29-32
My first question which seems a bit irrelevant: who is the Queen of the South? Ah, she is the Queen of Sheba, which I probably should have known. The connection between Jesus and Jonah interests me because I know that Jesus preached for somewhere around three years and he was arguably much more influential, you know being the Son of God and all, than Jonah or Solomon and people still didn’t get it. How in the world did Jonah influence those Ninevites?!? How did Solomon influence the Queen of Sheba? In verse 32, Luke writes: “The men of Ninevah will stand up at judgment with this generation and condemn it; for they repented at the preaching of Jonah, and now one greater than Jonah is here.” On more investigation this passage seems to be an indictment on anyone who heard Jesus’ message but refused to repent. How could the people listen and be influenced by a minor prophet and a king, when they wouldn’t listen to Jesus? Even the likes of the Ninevites and the Queen of Sheba repented at the words of lesser men.