I start school tomorrow and it is kind of like a clean slate for me because I quit at the BUX on Friday night. I decided I needed to concentrate on school, and that I needed no distractions. I will miss it for sure, but I will not miss the headaches of inept management, lackadaisical employees, or rudely condescending customers. I hope in the process of this I will get a piece of myself back. I know I used to be laid back. I know I used to be fun. I know I used to be nice. Maybe with time, I will be me again.
I went to Target today and was pleasantly surprised at their selection of fat girl clothes. I bought several outfits, but I did put back the “I HEART HOT MOMS” shirt. I was shopping for professional outfits. I thought I needed the t-shirt because it is pretty funny, but the professional side of me won out. I may not be able to hold out forever though!
I am excited and nervous about school. I am still trying to decide if this is the right choice for me, and I think maybe I should have tried to get into a distance education program at a seminary for a PhD in something theologically related. I am just not sure anymore. I have this deep distrust of anything religious but a great love for the theological and for the biblical. Jesus and I are still on the fritz, but I think it is more that his church and I are on the fritz than anything else. Yesterday Bec asked me if I was going to church. I said, “let me see….go to church or don’t go to church…let me think…” I love my pastor, so I feel so weird in not wanting to go to church, but I just am not in for the show. I am not in for the hype of the Sunday thing. I am not in for sitting for one more hour learning about what I should be doing. I KNOW what I SHOULD be doing. I just can’t consistently do it. I am excited to be solely entrenched in the academic again.