Dear Lifetime Channel

To whom it may concern:

I am writing about your recent decision to change the morning program line-up. Ever since The Golden Girls aired for the first time in 1985, I have been a great fan. I did not miss one episode in the entire seven years they were on air, and I watch a full hour of reruns on Lifetime each morning.

Lately, I have used the program as a tool with which to unwind each morning before doing my homework. Sometimes I used it as tool of procrastination to be sure, but I could always count on The Golden Girls to brighten my day. I have been feeling especially frazzled the past couple of weeks because I have not been sleeping well, so I look forward to Rose’s long inane stories, Blanche’s sexual escapades, Dorothy’s quick sarcastic wit, and Sophia’s old-world charm to prepare me for the long days I face as a graduate student.

Imagine my shock and disappointment this morning when I carried my freshly French-pressed Sumatra coffee with clove, cinnamon, and cardamom and my perfectly toasted bagel with cream cheese and habanero preserves into the living room to watch my girls. I laid out my breakfast, having eaten my banana in the kitchen while the water for the coffee boiled, and sat on the old, floral print couch. Holding the remote in my hand, I savored what would come next, but someone in your programming department had played a cruel trick.

“What the hell is this?” I asked myself when I saw Reba McEntire’s face looking out at me from the squarish frame of my old tube television set. I quickly—read frantically—scanned the programs before and after Reba. I thought maybe I had just been mistaken about the times, but my searching was to no avail. I am positive that The Golden Girls showed at 9:00 AM and again at 9:30 AM, and your website says they show from 8 AM-10 AM and again in the afternoon. However, this morning there was no sign of my special morning friends. You should update your webpage, because it is misleading and contributes to the already unstable psyche of the people (mostly women) who watch your channel.

So, here I sit, watching the History Channel and Billy Ray Cyrus as he hosts a program called Hillbilly: The Real Story, and trying to choke down my otherwise delicious breakfast. While I enjoy learning the true story of the Hatfields and the McCoys, the serpent handlings Appalachians don’t hold a candle in the wind to Dorothy, Rose, Sophia, and Blanche and their Miami shenanigans.

In closing, I would appreciate it if you would please return The Golden Girls to their rightful place on weekday mornings, and possibly for my pain and suffering, you should send me a photograph of The Golden Girls with the autographs of the remaining three golden girls. My very sanity hangs in the balance.

Sincerely,

A Fan

4 responses to “Dear Lifetime Channel

  1. omg…I HATE THE REBA SHOW!

  2. Please tell me you actually sent this!

  3. Maybe I should make an adendum: I actually like the Reba show—she’s a red-head—but not when I am supposed to be watching the Golden Girls!

  4. did i miss something by not reading this divvle for over a month? you altered the standard contemplative rant format to a letter format?

    reba is hot. all red-heads are hot. one is automatically supposed to love red-heads….unless they are gingers. then that’s whole different story.

    i had no idea you liked red-heads. 😛

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