While waiting for my lunch/dinner to bake in the 400º oven for 60-75 minutes, I just watched the strangest cartoon I have seen since I was a kid and Q-bert was part of the Saturday morning line-up. The episode of Codename: Kids Next Door that was on involves a box of Rainbow Crunch Puffs or some such cereal. There is only box left, and everyone wants it. After multiple fights in which various villains/good guys destroy the grocery store in their overzealous attempts to conquer their foes, a character who looks like an old private eye, complete with a pipe and a cap, but shrouded in a dark, reclusive silhouette uses fire power to pop corn and then burn it up. By doing so he exposes several children dressed as superheroes who are hiding under all the popped corn.
I can only assume said children were the “Kids Next Door,” but they didn’t have the cereal either. Of course, the person who ends up with the cereal only wants it because he wants to destroy it.”It’s bad for your teeth, you know,” says the retainer-clad, head-gear-wearing villain. Somehow, everyone in the grocery store combines forces, overpowers Retainer Head and eats the last box of Rainbow Crunch Puffs in a communal breakfast. Just weird. Now, of course, Misadventures of Flapjack is on. Weirder.*
Today wasn’t such a great day. I feel like I am spinning my wheels lately. I am having that feeling that I have every once in a while. I get this notion in my head that I can’t succeed, well, not simply succeed but excel, at anything I am doing. I feel like I am being torn in too many directions: teaching at BSU, teaching at Burris, grading for BSU, grading for Burris, helping edit a high school literary journal, writing a conference paper, writing my dissertation proposal, spending quality time with people who are close to me, trying to find a real job for next year, running, swimming, and sleep. Instead of being able to put “my queer shoulder to the wheel” and get stuff done, I get overwhelmed and can’t do anything.
It’s like I slip into this rote compulsive mode: check Facebook, check email, check phone, check Facebook, check email, check phone, and on and on. It’s quite ridiculous, but I really can’t help it. It’s like I am driven to distract myself from feeling like a failure. Then I get sleepy and just want to sleep. What’s so strange about all of this is that I don’t feel depressed. I just feel overwhelmed and like I want to avoid the things I have to do. Even though I was sick over the weekend, it isn’t like me to sleep for fourteen hours. Eight or nine, yes. But fourteen, no.
Part of what I am going to force myself to avoid are the conflicts around me that I have no control over. I can’t control what other people do. Some people are simply jack-asses. I keep thinking that one day I will discover a group of people who can get along like I think adults should be able to get along. You know, show grace, compassion, respect, integrity, kindness, equality, and responsibility. Is it too much to ask for adults to be able to exhibit the characteristics we expect from children?
I just need to stop being delusional. People aren’t naturally good. People are fallen, and no amount of my thinking they are good at heart is going to make them so. People are selfish, egotistical, and greedy. They don’t look out for each other. Why can’t I just recognize this and go on? Why do I insist on trying to see the good in people who clearly aren’t good? I want them to be, I think, so I keep hoping they will be. I guess I can still hope. I can always hope, but I need to stop basing my faith in the lies of other people. I need to remember where my true hope lies and focus more on that. All this worldly stuff just makes me bitter, like bad coffee.
I can’t afford to focus on these things, however. I have a dissertation proposal to write, papers to grade, a conference paper to write, and lessons to plan.
I am thankful that my mostly dead cat is not completely dead.
Food: banana, juice, muffin, chocolate milk, apple, bean/rice/veggie pot pie, ginger ale
Exercise: walked the dogs, ran 3.5 miles
(Yesterday: ran 3 miles, walked dogs, walked from Burris to RB)
oh, Corb. as usual, i can relate, but relating to how you feel really isn’t the point. i’m just sad you’re feeling this way, sad you have so much to do, even if you love the stuff you do.
just thinking about you today. if my arms were long enough to read from Valdosta, Georgia to Muncie, Indiana, i would be hugging you (since you let me : ))