As it turns out, I didn’t get a summer assistantship, so I will be living on tax money and student loans. Any other time I would be really weird about not getting an assistantship, but I am going through a major “I don’t care” phase right now. It will be nice to take this summer off with nothing to do but finish projects around the house, finish the dissertation proposal, play disc golf, and run. I will be a little more in debt when the summer ends. Then so be it. I’m already wallowing in debt as it is.
I attribute this phase to the fact that I have been buffeted on all sides this semester by people who think they are doing the world a favor by maligning me. One of the maligners reminds me of Hillary Faye in the movie Saved.
There is a scene in the movie in which Roland (Culkin) is watching Hillary Faye (Moore) abuse Mary (Malone). He says to Hillary Faye, “You have everything, Hillary Faye. What are you afraid of?” I want to ask a couple of people this same question: “You have everything. What are you afraid of?” I suppose my friend Monica is right: these people have no control of any other part of their lives, so they find it necessary to manipulate and control others. I always wonder why, though, I seem to be a favorite target. If anyone has any idea, could you please let me know. I am perfectly willing to admit to any part that I have in this fiasco, but I am having a hard time seeing what I have done to deserve the treatment I have received. I want the nightmares I have that are induced by these people to stop coming so frequently. And, frankly, I am getting tired of being the rug that people wipe their feet on. Thanks, I’d like my self-assuredness back now.
I am beginning to get nervous about the IndyMini because I was sick all week last week and only got to run about 15 miles, if that much. My sinuses are rebelling because of the increase in pollen, but they have relaxed this week so I should be back in good shape come tomorrow morning’s run. I think I am going to try for a nice, slow five-miler that I know won’t compare to Friday morning’s beautiful four along Lake Shore Drive and Navy Pier. The sun was just peeking over the horizon and the booms and clicks of the lighthouse warning systems were sounding. The seagulls were screeching and the lake was slapping up against the wooden poles of the pier, and all I could think about was how I wondered if the people who get to run there every morning know how lucky they are. I figure they take it for granted after a while, but maybe there are a few of them who know it’s a privilege to be able to soak in the pleasure of the shore every day.
I also wondered why I always want to be anywhere, anytime but where or when I am. I spend a lot of time worrying about the future, trying to make up for the past, and not reveling in the present. I am trying to learn mindfulness. I am trying to just be. But I am having such a difficult time with it.