Category Archives: Dissertation

I Wanna Live Here. I Signed Up.

Posted on 16 April 2010 | 2 comments

I was surfing around online yesterday and started fantasizing about living in Door County. More specifically, I imagined moving to Washington Island, though I am not sure what I would do for a job there. Hey, it’s a fantasy. It’s imaginary, so I can do whatever I want. I decided I want to live here. And then I thought, well, since this is a fantasy, I might choose this one. The only drawback is that it only has two bedrooms, so when people came to visit they could only come two at a time. 🙂

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I think I have been consumed by the running bug. I haven’t simply been bitten by it; it’s eating me alive, which isn’t a bad thing. Rather, I would say it is a very good thing. In fact, it’s such a good thing that I can honestly say I feel better than I have ever felt.

Even in high school when I swam all the time, I didn’t feel as healthy or as in tune with the world as I feel now. There is nothing that beats the feeling of running along next to the river, listening to the water slip past the jagged rocks slowly wearing them down, refining them. As I run, I think about how I, too, am being refined, polished.

Tomorrow is a 10 mile training run for the Indy-Mini which is only a few short weeks away on May 8. The 10 mile run is the longest training run on the plan, and I am going to try hard not to think about how it is only half as long as the longest run on the marathon training plan I have chosen. Really, there are twelve runs in the 18 week plan I have chosen that are longer than 10 miles. I just keep telling myself I can do it. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can, said the Little Engine.

Possibly the thing I love the most about running is the solitude of it. There is no way for me to deny that I love some time alone. In fact, I probably require more time alone than most people do, because it takes quite a bit of energy for me to be with people. There are some people I love to be around, who require little to no energy, but then there are others who just leave me feeling like a child’s new Christmas toy that has been played with until it doesn’t move anymore. A little rung out. In order to get over that feeling, sometimes I just need to get away.

On November 6, I am going to get away for about 5.5 or 6 hours while I run my first marathon. I know, I am a little obsessed with this topic right now, but I have to exult about the fact that I just registered for the Indianapolis Monumental Marathon. I spent $60 of my hard-earned money in order to run for a ridiculously long time. I suppose this will give me a measure of my ability to go the long haul. I think relying on my friends, like Molly and Nagelkirk, will be my biggest asset in this long, arduous process. I have to say that I am torn between wanting to rejoice and wanting to throw up.

Twenty-six point two miles.

26.2.

20+6+0.2

2 x 13.1

A really long way.

Here’s the course map: Marathon_Map_full_perspectiveWEB It should open quite nicely for you.

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Haphephobia: A morbid fear of being touched.

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I spent about two hours today working on my dissertation, and I plan to spend a couple more tonight. I think once I go through it one more time, it will be ready to send out to the committee. Excitement: I will send it out tonight.

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I am thankful for too many things to list today!

Food: banana, juice, short bread, iced coffee, bean/rice/veggie/cheese quesadilla, pasta, M&Ms

Exercise: walked the dogs two miles, eleven-mile bike ride

2 Comments

Posted in Biking, Dissertation, Food, Just for Fun, Relationships, Running

Exit Facebook. Fat Festivities. Little Bit of Runnin’.

Posted on 14 April 2010 | 5 comments

I made a bold move last night and deactivated my Facebook account. I decided to delete myself because I have spent too much time on the computer lately, choosing to talk to people through a keyboard and a screen instead of simply calling them or going to do something with them. I could have spent the weekend playing disc golf with Ed, but instead I stayed inside on the computer. I didn’t get any of my grading finished, nor did I get my dissertation proposal finished like I should have. I haven’t been writing here as frequently as I should, and I haven’t written anything creative either. All of this happened because I was compulsively checking Facebook. So, I decided to be more intentional and more mindful about my friendships. The only thing I regret is the fact that I won’t have contact with my cousins, but I figure that I can get their phone numbers or email addresses from my brother.

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My friends, Sarah and Elizabeth, and I are going to submit a proposal to another fat studies conference. Sarah is possibly going to talk about pedagogy, Elizabeth is going to discuss pieces of a graphic novel about 18th century fat-guys, and I am going to talk about my high school students’ perceptions of fat and the ways we work to overcome their stereotypes/misunderstandings of fat. I am excited because if we get into the conference, it means that we get to spend several days with each other after just seeing each other for a week during the summer. And, I am looking forward to possibly meeting a friend of hers from Nebraska.

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This morning I ran five miles, which seemed like an eternity. I kept thinking that a marathon is five times as long as what I ran this morning. I got a little discouraged, but then I thought about the fact that I am running 13.1 miles in a few weeks, which is 13.1 times as far as I could run a year ago. Surely, in six months I can double that distance. Right?

I ran past the two cutest older women. They moved over as I ran past, and I said, “That isn’t necessary. I am really slow. I promise I won’t run over you!” The one lady smiled and said, “It’s her first time out here walking, so I’m trying to teach her the rules.” I loved it, and I wanted to ask her if she could please explain the rules to other people who use the trail. It would be so nice if people in Muncie knew the rules of trail usage.

Small things like saying. “Bike on your left!” from far enough away for people to move their three cantankerous dogs off  to the right side of the trail would be amazing. Runners who don’t have their headphones turned up so high that they can’t hear bikers who actually yell, “Bike on the left!” would be an amazing addition to the Greenway as well. I mean there are common courtesies (rules) that users of trails should follow. I suppose it’s too much to ask for people who move under their own power to follow rules when people who drive lethal weapons everyday can’t follow the rules. Ugh.

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I am thankful for freedom.

Food: banana, juice, almonds, fruit snacks, chai latte, two pieces of pizza, rock ‘n’ rye, salad with garbonzo beans, cheese quesadilla

Exercise: ran five miles, walked from Burris to Irving Gym, walked the dogs 1.5 miles, one hour of racquetball

5 Comments

Posted in Disc golf, Dissertation, Fat, Relationships, School, Teaching, Writing

Hurt: Johnny and Trent

Posted on 19 March 2010 | 4 comments

Johnny Cash

Nine Inch Nails

Same song. Different performers. Trent Reznor (NIN) wrote it.

I feel a bit like this lately, and it’s the longest funk I have been in to date. I am seriously considering seeking professional help. It isn’t as if I haven’t considered it before because I am proud or because I think people who see psychiatrists are somehow weak. And it isn’t as if I am afraid. I don’t go to the shrink because I have an extremely low opinion of most of them. From what I have seen my many mentally ill friends go through with their medications, their counseling, and their general states of well-being, I just don’t trust the “professionals” who offer their psychiatric services. I also think, in a mostly irrational way, that if I can articulate my pain/disillusionment and think critically about it, then I must not have a problem. Somehow I have come to believe that to need a psychiatrist means that you can’t cognitively decipher your own messed-up thoughts, feelings, desires.

Don’t think I am harmful or dangerous to myself or others. I am not. I am simply sad. I simply feel trapped and like I am unable to see a happy ending to my life. I can rationally say that this feeling probably stems from mental exhaustion or from getting close to the end of my PhD program, but in less rational moments, I have nightmares, anxiety, insomnia, and, as a result, I can be quite thin-skinned and moody.

TIME PASSES: THE NEXT MORNING

See the thing is I think I feel guilty for feeling this way because I really have nothing to be sad about. Well, at least there is nothing happening right now for me to be sad about. I think there are many things from my past that I still haven’t completely processed, that I need to process. But still those things pale in comparison to those other things that are going on around me: people who have lost children, countries devastated by hurricanes, people losing their jobs after many years, and people who are in unfulfilling relationships. My life compares well to others, but to me it feels as if I am simultaneously grateful for this life of mine and ungrateful for the opportunities that cause so much stress. However, this morning I feel more hopeful than I did last night.

Just when I thought I wouldn’t come out of the funk, I feel a little better today.  With the exception of my dissertation proposal revision, I have accomplished everything I needed to this week. I have a lifeguarding class all weekend this weekend (6-10 tonight, 8-2 on Saturday and Sunday), but I feel confident that I will have time to finish me proposal and get it to Debbie by Sunday night. We meet again on Wednesday morning. Luckily, I have everything planned for the next couple of weeks for both my Burris students and my BSU students.

Today is a better day. Abs and I play racquetball this afternoon, so it can’t be bad, right?

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I am thankful for meaningful moments in whatever shape they come.

Food: banana, juice, poptart, 3 donut holes, seven layer burrito, nachos, Puerto Vegetarian C, chips and salsa, 1/2 of a Negro Modelo, decaf tall soy latte

Exercise: ran 5 miles, walked the dogs 1 mile

4 Comments

Posted in Dissertation, Insomnia, Just Random Stuff

Another Spring Break is Gone

Posted on 14 March 2010 | 3 comments

One of these years, I am going to actually take a Spring Break, one where I go somewhere and do something different than what I have been doing for the other 51 weeks of the year. If BSU’s spring break came a little later, I’d go on a motorcycle trip, but I am afraid I will leave and then it will snow. Then I wouldn’t be able to come home, because I am not riding in the snow. As it is, I never accomplish everything I wish to accomplish in the week anyway, so why don’t I learn to take a break. This year, for example, I had a list a mile long, but I did not complete the most important thing on that list. Because I had been putting off grading and my teaching related concerns to put out other little forest fires, I spent the entire break grading and planning for the rest of the school year and not working on my dissertation proposal.

I had every good intention of sitting down for a long spell with the thing and really hashing through it. That will have to happen in the evenings of this week. I have to get this thing finished and turned in as soon as possible. I am tired of looking at it. The part that sucks about having to do it this week is that Bec is leaving for Minnesota on Saturday, so I won’t be able to spend any quality time with her before she goes. I hate that. At least she’ll be back on Wednesday (?), and I should have everything finished by then.

However, I will have my lifeguarding class all weekend next weekend, so I won’t get to spend any time with her then either. When I say all weekend, I am not exaggerating. It meets on Friday from 6pm to 10pm and Saturday and Sunday from 8am to 2pm. I guess I will be running in the evenings for the next two weekends. And, they are long runs, too. Eight and nine miles for the next two Saturdays.

Yesterday I ran seven miles at a 12:30 to 12:45 minute per mile pace, but I still had difficulty sleeping last night. I think it was a combination of all the life-stress I am experiencing right now, the stupid daylight savings time change, and the fact that I drank a tall regular bold coffee. I haven’t had that much caffeine in a long while. At least I didn’t get heart palpitations this time. I did it because Starbucks is doing a bold coffee promotion in which you get a little card that has all their bold coffees listed. If you drink a tall of all eight of them, you get your choice of a free pound of bold coffee. In the end, you pay as much for the eight tall coffees as you would for the pound of coffee, but since you end up with both in your belly, it sounds like a deal to me.

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I am thankful for time well-spent and weird Lily Tomlin movies.

Food:
Breakfast: banana, juice, pop tart, chocolate milk
Running: shortbread
Lunch: almonds, Pure bar, coffee with honey and soy milk
Dinner: onion rings, Scotty’s French Quarter Quesadilla, 23 oz. Guinness
Snack: small bag of Cadbury eggs

Exercise: walked the dogs two miles, ran 7 miles

3 Comments

Posted in Beer, Coffee, Dissertation, Food, Insomnia, Running, School, Teaching

A Collection of Some Things

Posted on 18 February 2010 | 2 comments

The past three days have been pretty productive on the running front, but not so productive on the grading/research front. I feel like I am getting a little break here in the midst of chaos as I wait for Debbie to go through my revised (though still not un-messy) proposal. I used my break to work on my running skills.

I have been running in Ball Gym on the 1/12 mile track. For some reason, I can pretty consistently run a twelve-minute mile on that track. I am not sure if it is because I can check each lap to see that it takes a minute, or if it is the tininess of the track that makes it seem like I am not running so far, but I can honestly say I think I get a better workout running in circles. On the other hand, I can honestly say that my knees and ankles much prefer running in the very straight, very long outdoors. The constant turning is a bit of a strain on them.

I am looking forward to running five (nice) outdoor miles on Saturday, so I hope the weather holds up for it. My plan is to run to West Side Park and back. Once I finish all my training runs for this week, I will have run 18.5 miles this week—the most I have run in one week. The amazing thing is that when I figure in walking the dogs and going to and from places on campus, I will have run and walked over 32 miles this week. That’s almost five miles a day, which has been the goal since summer; however, I haven’t been able to go that far each day because of the weather. I am so excited that I made it this week! I should throw myself a little party.

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As most of you know, I have added beer back into the diet. I didn’t realize how much I had missed it. There is just something about beer that enables me to focus, and there’s something about it socially that enables people to say things to each other in a way they wouldn’t normally say them. I enjoy that. I had a Stone Ruination IPA tonight with Rachel at Scotty’s, and I remember why I love IPAs.

With a little research, I have concluded that beer, particularly beer with lots of hops, is a good self-medication for me. Hops contains a chemical (dimethylvinyl carbinol) that herbalists use to treat anxiety, restlessness, and insomnia. Since I have been drinking a beer a day, I feel a bit more at peace and my sleep has been pretty level as well. I haven’t had to get up and watch Roseanne at four in the morning for a while, which has been nice.

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I have to admit that I am still a little torn about giving up the Nazarite Vow. As usual, I am a little hard on myself: Could I have tried harder? Should I have just waited a little longer before cutting my hair? Is this feeling of being at ease because of the beer all in my head? Is this simply one more thing I have failed at? And the biggest question of all: Is God disappointed in me?

I am not sure I am naïve enough to think that God is disappointed in me, but is there a biblical precedent in which someone breaks a covenant they’ve made with God where things don’t turn out very badly? I can’t think of one, but I also think that, typically, those situations are ones in which God becomes physically manifest in order to set the covenant with the person. And, no, I am not simply trying to weasel out of what I perceive to be a very serious commitment. I am merely attempting to make sense of my failure to complete this vow.

I sometimes think I should refocus my efforts and regroup, but I like the level of concentration I have when I drink a beer a day. I like that I can go socialize and not be the odd one out, which I guess is selfish and the opposite of what I should feel about breaking a vow. I am trying hard not to dwell on this, but it is obviously a struggle for me. Thanks for putting up with my wrestling over it.

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While I am trying to (re)memorize this Sermon on the Mount, I think I am going to take this blog space to contemplate what each section means to me. So, this is your warning: if you don’t want to read my theological/Scriptural musings, don’t visit this site again until after Easter. However, I will also still write about my daily goings-on, so if you want to know about all that (how’s the running going? what did she eat today? how’s the dissertation going?) then keep reading. If you don’t care about my daily goings-on, and you hate theological banter/idea knocking about, you should probably pack it in for a bit, like for the next 45 days.

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Also, there’s this:

I am thankful for Lent and the time it gives me to reconsider my faith and my relationship to the world.

Food: banana, juice, M&Ms and almonds, green tea, grapefruit, salad, apple, black bean burger with guacamole, salsa, and jalapenos, cooked mixed veggies, some onion rings, beer

Exercise: walked from Burris to RB, ran 3 miles, walked the dogs

Seeing the crowd, Jesus went up on the mountainside and sat down. The disciples came to him and he began to teach them. He said: Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful for they will be shown mercy. Blessed  are the pure in heart for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers for they will be called children of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of me for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when you are persecuted, and insulted, and when people falsley say all kinds of evil against you for my sake. Rejoice and be glad because your reward in heaven is great, for they did the same to the prophets before you. You are the salt of the world. If the salt loses its saltiness, what is it good for. It is good for nothing, except to be thrown out and trampled under foot. You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. No one lights a candle and then hides it under a bowl. Instead, the lighted candle is placed on a table and it’s light is shared by all those in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven. Do not think I have come to abolish the law and the prophets. I have not come to abolish them, but to fulfill them. I tell you the truth, until heaven and earth disappear, not one jot or one tittle will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished. Anyone who breaks one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do the same will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but anyone who practices and teaches these commandments will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. For I tell you that unless your righteousness exceeds that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the Law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven.

2 Comments

Posted in Beer, Dissertation, Food, Lent, Religion, Running