Category Archives: Dissertation

Humbling Experiences All Around

Posted on 14 February 2010 | 1 comment

Have you ever simply looked around and realized that when you open up and let God have [Their] way with you, you see humbling experiences all around?

That experience could be a friend who loses a child, a students’ mother who has cancer, a friend who is honest about her theological struggles, or a significant other who works hard even in the face of adversity. And somehow, they all seem to handle it with so much more grace than you think you ever could. They seem to dance and swirl in and around these adversities while you plod and thud and generally make a mess of navigating the obstacle course. You trip; they glide. And that’s just how it is. But you recognize it and are humbled by the grace of it all.

Maybe the experience comes in the quirky voice of a young pastor who encourages you to figure out who you really are, and who equates the story of our lives to writing, reminding us that it’s character that drives the story. “Plot grows out of character,” says Anne Lamott. If you have no character, you have a bad plot. What is your character? How is it shaping your plot? Our plot?

Maybe the experience comes in a class in which you feel you don’t belong, but the professor reminds you that you, too, are a teller of truth. You still feel desperately inadequate, and you hope, beyond hope, that you might actually write something that makes you feel less so.

Maybe the experience comes when you learn that people don’t perceive your actions the way you intend for them to perceive them, that they don’t get who you are and what you are about. They don’t understand that more than anything else you respect all of humanity, trying each day to see Jesus inside each body, each heart, each mind.

Maybe that experience comes when you have such an intense respect for others you have a physiological response to homelessness that isn’t pity, but something deeper that you can’t name. Your heart doesn’t break, but you wish that instead of learning from them, you could find something inside yourself to teach.

Maybe these experiences happen all around you, all the time, but you just can’t see them unfolding. Maybe you are so caught up in making your story work that you can’t see the things God is trying to make work for you. That is who I am most of the time, but I am trying to see God’s hand in it, and I am working to let God write my story, and I am seeking to be the character I think I am meant to be. And it’s humbling.

This isn’t the most exciting video, but I think the words go well with how I am feeling right now.

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I am thankful for finishing another draft.

Food: banana, juice, oatmeal, chocolate milk, cookies, rice noodle soup, granola bar, diet 7-Up, rice crackers, two pieces of pizza and bread sticks, Taddy Porter

Exercise: walked the dogs, walked home from church, ran 3 miles, rode bike from RB to church

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Seeing the crowd, Jesus went up on the mountain and sat down. His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them. Blessed are those who are poor in spirit, for their is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for the they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will receive mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of God. Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets before you.

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Posted in Beer, Biking, Dissertation, Food, Grace, Homelessness, Relationships, Religion, Running, Vegetarian or Vegan

Gotta Love My Life. Oh, Yes, I Do!

Posted on 13 February 2010 | 4 comments

Just as I sat down to write tonight, I heard a weird noise. Half-sounding like Becky wheezing when her asthma is bad and half-sounding like my poor mostly-dead Mojo-cat crying, the noise I realized was the Bullshit-Fuck Guy who occasionally walks past our house. I think I wrote about him last summer when he awakened us at four in the morning with a string of curse words that I could have ridden from here to Nebraska. He was hurling them out of his mouth like Zeus threw thunderbolts but they were missing every target and hitting the concrete hard. “Fuck all of y’all. This is bullshit. Fuck! Shit!” These sounds followed him all the way from Granville and Walnut to Elm Street. The noise I just heard was the same voice, the same intonation shouting, “Fuck all y’all. This is bullshit.” All of our lights are on, and I think he saw us look out the window because he only said it twice and then stopped. But I am not sure if he is rational enough to stop because people are looking. He may have just decided not to fuck all y’all.

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Today was the first training run for the Indy-Mini. I felt pretty good going into it because I have been doing all of the runs on my training plan. I was only worried this morning about the temperature and the fact that I had been training on the evil arc-trainer instead of outside. It was snot-freezing cold, and I was afraid my lungs would burn. However, I finished with my best time for a 5K yet: 40.11. That is 12:56 per mile, which beats the hell out of my time last time (44 and some odd seconds). Next month we run 6.1 miles, and I hope to finish in about 1:20.00. Obviously, that is the same average speed for six miles as I ran for three miles, but I seem to be a bit of a metronome. After the race, one of the Burris students who also runs came over and chatted with me, and I think that made my day really sweet.

When I began this running thing, I honestly thought I wouldn’t last. I thought I would wuss out and stop after a couple of months. I started last June 13, weighing in at 256 pounds when my family and I got back from summer vacation. My average time for a mile when I started run/walking was 16 minutes. I am happy to say that I have lost 35 pounds—I had lost 45, but then there’s Christmas and all—and my time hovers right around 13 minutes per mile. My goal is to finish the Mini in under 3 hours. If I can run 13 minutes per mile for the entire time, I should finish right at 2:49.00. I would be thrilled. Hell, I will be thrilled just to finish.

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On the way home from the training today, we stopped at Trader Joe’s. I purchased a “Mystery Beer” sampler, which consists of six beers selected by the workers of Trader Joe’s all for the low, low price of $6.43. The trick is that you don’t know what beers you are getting. Of course I couldn’t wait until I got home to see what beers I had received, so I opened the bag in the parking lot. I got a Trader Jose’s (like Coronoa), several lagers, a couple of ales, and, prepare yourself, one was in a can. A can? Unless it’s PBR, it shouldn’t come in a can. What an abomination!

Once I got over the startling realization that I would be drinking beer from a can, we got in the car and drove home. We had to stop at PetSmart and buy food for the animals, and then we headed to Marsh for some final ingredients for one of our favorite dishes, Spicy Pinenut Basil Pasta. We were out of pinenuts, and I was out of orange juice. (If you are wondering if there is a reason I am telling you all of this, there is.) As we were in traffic on McGalliard, waiting for the light to change on Oakwood, I started to get a bit of a headache. By the time we arrived at Marsh, I told Bec she would have to drive home.

When we got home, I thought I would just go sleep off my headache because it didn’t seem to be horrible. Was I ever wrong!  I experienced the worst migraine I have had since I have been an adult. I wish my head had only felt like it was in a vice grip. Instead it felt as if Santa, his reindeer, and the Easter Bunny were tap-dancing inside my sinus cavities. Typically, I can take four Ibuprofen (but I hate taking medicine), and my headaches go away, so after I tried sleeping it off with no success, I reluctantly took four Ibuprofen and tried to go back to bed. I couldn’t even lie down. I was nauseous and in intense pain, so I did what every grown person who gets a headache does. I cried. Hard. In fact, I was a blubbering fool, making quite a little spectacle out of myself. I tried taking a hot shower, but felt like I was going to pass out and fall in the tub, so I went upstairs and laid down in my bed. When I woke up it was 7:33. I slept for four hours in all. Ridiculous. It’s a good thing I have all day tomorrow to work on my dissertation proposal that is supposed to be finished tomorrow night.

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When I finally woke up, I decided to go ahead and make Deliciousness (see above pasta dish) for dinner, and it ended up being one of the best batches I’ve made. That went to so well, I thought I would continue by making some vegan chocolate cookies. I used this recipe but replaced the eggs with bananas, the butter with vegan margarine, the white sugar with half as much brown sugar, the white flour with wheat flour, and the chocolate chips with dried cranberries and almonds. In short, I totally changed the recipe, but now it’s vegan and somewhat healthy. Well, it’s as healthy as cookies can be, right? But we don’t eat cookies to be healthy. The cookies are waiting in the refrigerator until I get finished typing this, then I will go bake them. I am sure they will be scandalously delicious.EDIT: They are awesome! Mmmm.

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I have decided yet again to work more diligently at only saying things that are kind, positive, and edifying. I find that I can be incredibly angst-ridden, bitter, and negative if I let myself be. I don’t want to be those things, so I am again regrouping and making a concentrated effort to only say those things that leave people feeling better about themselves after they have been with me. I like people who leave me feeling that way. I want to be one of them for others.

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Finally, I come to the end of this long, long post. I am working diligently on this Sermon on the Mount: Now when Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on the mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them: “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for they will inherit the kingdom of God. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of God. Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.” Again, the bold indicates the parts I couldn’t remember. Maybe I should employ these suggestions.

Here’s a Sermon on the Mount video for you to enjoy:

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I am thankful for people I don’t know who congratulate me on a good run and cheer for the slow kids in the back of the pack.

Food: banana before running, juice, banana after running, apple, shortbread, chocolate milk, chips and hummus, whole wheat pasta with tofu, mushrooms, basil, and pinenuts, beer, two cookies

Exercise: walked the dogs, ran 3.1 miles

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Posted in Beer, Dissertation, Fat, Food, Grace, Relationships, Running, Vegetarian or Vegan

Lent-y Goodness.

Posted on 10 February 2010 | 1 comment

I suppose I shouldn’t attempt to add one more thing to my already packed days, but Lent is coming. It’s coming next Wednesday to be exact. Or if you’re Orthodox, Clean Monday is, well, next Monday. No offense to my Catholic friends, but the Orthodox are hardcore, much more so than the Catholics; they don’t take Monday and Tuesday to live it up. Lent starts on the Monday before Ash Wednesday, instead of the Ash Wednesday after Fat Tuesday. There is no Mardi Gras for the solemn Orthodox. You are supposed to begin cleansing yourself and looking toward the forty-odd days ahead. Great Lent.

I just learned that for the staunch Orthodox observer Lent involves a strict, almost vegan, fasting, just for a portion of the days though. Of course, giving up all of those animal products is indicative of Christ’s suffering and our willingness to follow him to the cross. More importantly, though, the Orthodox fast for Lent calls the follower to give up olive oil and wine. How is a Greek expected to cook anything decent without olive oil? And, is using corn or canola oil cheating? What about drinks? What do you serve to drink with dinner if you can’t have wine? I guess most of my answers can be found here, at the Orthodox Church of America’s website.

What cannot be found on their website are my own answers about my own spirituality. I have not been practicing any form of spiritual practice lately, and I haven’t been to church for two weeks. I feel like I don’t have time for God, which is not a good place to be in. I am writing this dissertation about spirituality, and I don’t have time for God? That doesn’t add up. So, my goal for Lent is to be more mindful of God, more mindful of my actions, and more mindful of others. I need to spend time contemplating God, God’s creation, and the ways God continually blesses me, even when I don’t take the time to notice.

What form will this increased mindfulness take? I am not sure. I might begin by picking up my prayer rope, which I haven’t used in a while. I might continue by re-memorizing (for long term memorization this time) the Sermon on the Mount. I might try meditating on the glories of nature while I run. I might even read a theological text or two over the course of the forty days. I do know that I will do something, because I feel a new kind of vacuum growing in my soul. I am having trouble coping with things that normally wouldn’t cause a minor blip on my screen. So, of course, I feel a little guilty like a good Greek girl should.

When I have troubles, I go runnin’ back to Jesus. But when life is good, I fail to give him any recognition. I have no excuse. I think this is what Lent is for: thinking about these things. It’s a time of joyful, but contemplative, purification. I am purifying my spirit by acknowledging my lack of acknowledgment. I see no reason to get to Lent each year and realize that I still have not been cognizantly acknowledging God throughout the year, and yet each year I get to this point in the church calendar and find myself at a loss for words. And not in a good way.

I can’t even say, maybe this will be the year in which I remain attentive to my Christian life throughout the year. I know it won’t be. I know that at this time next year, I will think to myself, Oh, shit, it’s Lent again, and I need to figure out where I am spiritually. I will be in much the same place I am now, and still unhappy with who I am in Christ. Maybe that is the secret to a fulfilling Christian life, to continually recognize how little we are growing. Maybe it’s like AA and you have to admit your problem. Hi, my name is Corby and I am a stagnant Christian, I would say at the first meeting. I am not growing. Right now. Well, maybe a little. It takes time to grow. This song reminds me of how God loves us, whether or not we grow by leaps and bounds.

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I am thankful for the liturgical calendar because it reminds me each year how far I have to go and have far I have come.

Food: banana, juice, pure bar, chili, soy peanut butter sandwich, chocolate milk, pizza and bread sticks, cauliflower

Exercise: walked dogs, 35 minutes on the evil machine, walked from Burris to RB

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Posted in Dissertation, Food, Grace, Religion, Vegetarian or Vegan, Winter Weather

Better But Not Full Steam

Posted on 4 February 2010 | 1 comment

Today was a better day after I had the chance to ditch the Louisville conference. Saying no to one thing lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. Now I get to spend the weekend working on my dissertation and grading the papers for the classes I am teaching. It isn’t as if I am not interested in the topic of my proposed conference paper. I am. I just don’t have it in me to go spend three days away from getting meaningful work done on my dissertation proposal and my classes. I have to capitalize on the little bit of spare time I do have to work on interests that will further my academic advancement, and I don’t have enough time to spare to work on things that are drawing my attention away from those pursuits. In short, I just am overbooked and something had to go. Sadly, it was a conference opportunity.

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I am thankful for sound advice and good friends.

Food: banana, juice, chocolate milk, muffin, apple, grapefruit, tall decaf soy vanilla latte, tall soy hot chocolate, biscotti, bean and rice wrap with waffle fries

Exercise: walked the dogs, ran 3 miles, rode bike to school

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Posted in Coffee, Dissertation, Food, Running, School, Vegetarian or Vegan

Codename: Kids Next Door

Posted on 3 February 2010 | 1 comment

While waiting for my lunch/dinner to bake in the 400º oven for 60-75 minutes, I just watched the strangest cartoon I have seen since I was a kid and Q-bert was part of the Saturday morning line-up. The episode of Codename: Kids Next Door that was on involves a box of Rainbow Crunch Puffs or some such cereal. There is only box left, and everyone wants it. After multiple fights in which various villains/good guys destroy the grocery store in their overzealous attempts to conquer their foes, a character who looks like an old private eye, complete with a pipe and a cap, but shrouded in a dark, reclusive silhouette uses fire power to pop corn and then burn it up. By doing so he exposes several children dressed as superheroes who are hiding under all the popped corn.

I can only assume said children were the “Kids Next Door,” but they didn’t have the cereal either. Of course, the person who ends up with the cereal only wants it because he wants to destroy it.”It’s bad for your teeth, you know,” says the retainer-clad, head-gear-wearing villain. Somehow, everyone in the grocery store combines forces, overpowers Retainer Head and eats the last box of Rainbow Crunch Puffs in a communal breakfast. Just weird. Now, of course, Misadventures of Flapjack is on. Weirder.*

Today wasn’t such a great day. I feel like I am spinning my wheels lately. I am having that feeling that I have every once in a while. I get this notion in my head that I can’t succeed, well, not simply succeed but excel, at anything I am doing. I feel like I am being torn in too many directions: teaching at BSU, teaching at Burris, grading for BSU, grading for Burris, helping edit a high school literary journal, writing a conference paper, writing my dissertation proposal, spending quality time with people who are close to me, trying to find a real job for next year, running, swimming, and sleep. Instead of being able to put “my queer shoulder to the wheel” and get stuff done, I get overwhelmed and can’t do anything.

It’s like I slip into this rote compulsive mode: check Facebook, check email, check phone, check Facebook, check email, check phone, and on and on. It’s quite ridiculous, but I really can’t help it. It’s like I am driven to distract myself from feeling like a failure. Then I get sleepy and just want to sleep. What’s so strange about all of this is that I don’t feel depressed. I just feel overwhelmed and like I want to avoid the things I have to do. Even though I was sick over the weekend, it isn’t like me to sleep for fourteen hours. Eight or nine, yes. But fourteen, no.

Part of what I am going to force myself to avoid are the conflicts around me that I have no control over. I can’t control what other people do. Some people are simply jack-asses. I keep thinking that one day I will discover a group of people who can get along like I think adults should be able to get along. You know, show grace, compassion, respect, integrity, kindness, equality, and responsibility. Is it too much to ask for adults to be able to exhibit the characteristics we expect from children?

I just need to stop being delusional. People aren’t naturally good. People are fallen, and no amount of my thinking they are good at heart is going to make them so. People are selfish, egotistical, and greedy. They don’t look out for each other. Why can’t I just recognize this and go on? Why do I insist on trying to see the good in people who clearly aren’t good? I want them to be, I think, so I keep hoping they will be. I guess I can still hope. I can always hope, but I need to stop basing my faith in the lies of other people. I need to remember where my true hope lies and focus more on that. All this worldly stuff just makes me bitter, like bad coffee.

I can’t afford to focus on these things, however. I have a dissertation proposal to write, papers to grade, a conference paper to write, and lessons to plan.

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I am thankful that my mostly dead cat is not completely dead.

Food: banana, juice, muffin, chocolate milk, apple, bean/rice/veggie pot pie, ginger ale

Exercise: walked the dogs, ran 3.5 miles

(Yesterday: ran 3 miles, walked dogs, walked from Burris to RB)

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Posted in Coffee, Dissertation, Food, Grace, Relationships, Running, School, Writing