Category Archives: Grace

Lent and Jealousy

Posted on 13 March 2011 | 1 comment

Last Wednesday, I went to Ash Wednesday service for the first time in my life. I am not sure why I have never gone before. In fact, my not going makes no sense given the fact that my favorite Christian season is Lent. You would think I had attended every Ash Wednesday service my entire adult life, but until this year, I celebrated my own private death without going to church. That’s what Ash Wednesday is, after all, a celebration of our death to self and our acknowledgment that we are nothing without the power of Christ.

I usually spend Lent contemplative and questioning, but this year I decided to put my questioning on a back burner and to really focus on my relationship with Christ. Not questioning is the hardest part of this, not questioning and merely experiencing. In truth, that last sentence of the first paragraph brings to mind questions, and I had to focus on not entertaining whether people can be something without the power of Christ. Of course they can be, I see people all around me who aren’t Christian who run humanitarian/charitable circles around people I know to be Christian. But, I am trying to put that line of reasoning out of my head, at least for this Lenten season, by focusing on the way Christ is working in my life and the way I see him working in others.

In this way, the way of experience and trying to draw closer to God through the incarnated Christ, I am focusing on a few things for this 40-day period of reflection. So the disciplines I am practicing are focused on the incarnate and not so much on the spirit this time, though I am adding in some reading and meditation.

First, I am fasting in a way that I haven’t fasted since seminary. I am eating a smoothie in the morning, then drinking tea and water for the rest of the day. Before you panic, let me just say that the smoothie contains apple juice, strawberries, blueberries, a banana, aloe, hemp seeds, maple syrup, and wheat germ. In all, it probably contains about 500-700 calories. Certainly, that isn’t enough to live on for an extended period of time, but Lent is only 40 days long. The tea I am drinking is specially formulated to provide well-being while fasting, too. In order to keep up with my running, I may have to add in some more food, but we’ll see how this goes.

Second, I am trying to work on some of my jealousy issues. I have never in my life wanted a baby so badly as I do right now, and it doesn’t seem to help this urge that many people I know are either having or adopting children. I spent spring break in Florida visiting Merideth and her new daughter Tillie. I spent about an hour yesterday with Izzy. I spent a few minutes reading about David and Andrea’s new baby Ezra. I even allowed myself a few moments to look at pictures of the new daughter of one of our students. And I spent quite a bit of time dwelling on my intense jealousy for Abbie’s joy, Merideth’s joy, Andrea’s joy, and even a young mother’s joy. Don’t think for a minute that my jealousy comes at the expense of my recognition of their blessings. Of course, I am thrilled for their blessings, but I also realize that my window for motherhood is quickly dwindling. So, I am focusing on asking for wisdom in navigating both my desire for a child and to find a way to be at peace and to be filled with joy for these friends whose lives are so blessed.

Third, I am praying. Prayer is definitely not a gift of mine. I had friends in seminary who pray a blue streak and every word that came from their mouths was an exquisite utterance of truth and beauty. They could quote scripture while praying, speak hymns while praying, weep and laugh while praying, and weave together poetry with their words while praying. While I am not foolish enough to be envious of their ability to pray, I am foolish enough to believe that I, too, can learn to pray that way. Articulate and artistic.

Fourth, I am reading. I have been working on The Joy of Living and An Altar in the World for spiritual development. Even though they are from two different faith perspectives, the words harmonize so resoundingly with each other that I can feel their timbre resonating within my soul. And it is a beautiful, fulfilling, teaching melody. I have already learned that I need to be less attached to worldly things, but to find the beauty in those things.

Hopefully, the next 40 days will be an exercise in fruitfulness and anticipation for the events of Maundy Thursday, Holy Friday, and Easter Sunday. Come, Lord Jesus, bring your profound and powerful grace.

1 Comment

Posted in Children, Food, Goals, Grace, Lent, Reading, Religion

How did it get to be the middle of January already?!

Posted on 16 January 2011 | 2 comments

Time keeps flying past, and I wonder constantly where God wants me. Today’s sermon was helpful, because Matt spoke about how we need to be open to be used and involved where we are. I struggle with this sometimes because I don’t really want to be where I am, for the most part. For the most part, I want to be anywhere but here in East Central Indiana. I like teaching and I love my students, but I always have this restless spirit that says to me (possibly it’s some sort of Tempter), whisperingly in my ear, “You could be so much more. Why are you settling for only this?” I have to slough that off, though, because I feel for a change that I am doing the best thing I could be doing right now. Since I’ve already posted my rant about the Methodist Church and their stupidly conservative policy about GLBT pastors, I won’t go on about that. However, short of being a pastor, my calling in life is to teach. And I love — there is no sarcasm in that — middle school students! I feel like I am right where I should be with that aspect of my life.

There are other areas where I feel restless. I feel restless in my inability to stay on top of grades, because this makes me want to stop teaching. I feel restless in my relationship with God, because I feel like I can never know enough, read enough, be enough. I feel restless in desire to be an activist for liberation (people, animals, the poor), because I don’t see a future in which we are all free; though I do have hope. I feel restless because of my debt, which traps me, because I feel as if my debt holds me back from doing so many things I am called to do. I feel restless because I own a house. That’s huge to me, owning a house. If you had asked me ten years ago if I thought I would ever be so grounded, I would have answered a resounding, NO! But if you ask me today if I enjoy my life, I would say, YES, but I do suffer from a heapin’ helpin’ of wanderlust. I can’t help it. I simply have a need to roam. At least having the ability to go on road trips is helpful.

If I wasn’t so grounded, so stable, I wouldn’t be able to experience things like these:

Delicious Homemade Vegan Pizza

Cat Boyfriends Pudge and Kermit

Beautiful Woman and Her Annoying Cat

All of these things are the perks of being settled. I suppose it’s okay to be stuck somewhere with all these beautiful and amazing comforts, or blessings, surrounding me.

2 Comments

Posted in Family, Food, Grace, Religion, School, Teaching

Quite An Excellent Day With Amy and At Church.

Posted on 9 January 2011 | 2 comments

Today I met Amy at the worst Starbucks in the Midwest. If you are ever traveling across I-70, never, I mean never, stop a the Starbucks in Richmond, Indiana just off of I-70 on US-40. You’ll wait forever, and your coffee will be substandard. I have to admit, though, that today my Americano was tasty, and Amy’s cappuccino actually looked like a cappuccino. Well, at least it did until she put in the sugar, cinnamon, and nutmeg and made the top part of the foam all pocked and strange. The Mexican restaurant on that exit is delicious and it’s where we usually have lunch or dinner when we meet. Next time, we’re meeting in Indy at Peppy Grill, so there’ll be a bite more to do than walk around the tiny mall and hang out at Starbucks. It’d be sweet if Becs would come along, too, so we can all hang out together for a change.

Amy and I had one of the best times we’ve had recently, in my opinion. Lots of honest conversation. Lots of laughing about stupid things. And shopping at Goodwill on 99 cent Sunday. We didn’t find anything worthwhile, although I did have to restrain myself from buying (count them) three different White Trash Nativity Scenes.I already have around 40 of them in my collection, one of which is missing its Baby Jesus, because the cats just keep stealing him, manger and all, and hiding him somewhere. It’s sad, really, the way Mary and Joseph continue to sit there staring at a place where Baby Jesus should be. All the while he is probably in the duct work, or in the basement, or inside of one of the couches. Who knows? But they remain vigilant in their never-ending pose of parental adoration. Sad. The other excellent part of the day today was that Matt, our preacher at Commonway, spoke about the book of Lamentations in the message this morning. He talked about how we need to stop looking back on our lives, wishing for the “good old days.” Instead we need to plant ourselves in our realities and spread roots. We need to be hopeful within the situations we find ourselves in. In other words, we need to stop wishing to be in other places in other times, and we need to ground ourselves where we are. At first I was a little resistant to the message, but then I realized that was probably because he was talking to me in a lot of ways. And using my favorite book of the Bible to do it. Good stuff.

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Posted in Christmas, Coffee, Food, Grace, Relationships, Religion

You Are Beautiful

Posted on 3 January 2011 | Leave a comment

I met some friends at Peppy Grill in Indianapolis the other day. What a different place in the middle of the day! Instead of the gay men coming from the Metro and the club kids coming from other hot night spots, there was a random collection of blue collar workers, professionals, families, and semi-homeless or homeless people. I suppose it makes perfect sense that Peppy’s would appeal to different types of people. They serve greasy-spoon diner, also known as down-home, food at a very low price. My friends and I had way more than we could eat and our bill was only $30. We also had about three hours of excellent conversation.

On a side note, one thing I was reminded of during this break is the fact that I thrive when I participate in intellectual conversation. The more lost I feel in the midst of it, the better I feel afterward. I get a little lost in what I am learning from friends sometimes, and it thrills me!

Anyway, back to my story: on my way home, I went through the neighborhood around Peppy Grill (Fountain Square) a bit before just settling into the long drive ahead of me. I was pleasantly surprised when I looked up at the top of this building and saw a message, one that I interpreted as being just for me. I wasn’t feeling particularly ugly, but what a positive and lively message of encouragement to be found on top of a building in the middle of a city! I need to purchase a decent camera. I guess that’s on my wish list.

Just A List of Ten Thoughts

Posted on 11 August 2010 | 6 comments

Today I am sitting in Starbucks having just completed some work on my dissertation, and I have a few (about ten) random thoughts:

Writing a dissertation is nothing like training for a marathon. When you train for a marathon, if you have a bad training run, no one knows but you and the handful of people you share that with. When you are writing a dissertation, you can’t hide your lack of work or your foolishly naïve thoughts. Your dissertation director, at least, will always know.
Writing a dissertation is exactly like training for a marathon. Both endeavors are a hell of a lot of work that culminates in one final product, and neither product is really understood by anyone who hasn’t done one. The marathon fills your physical need for challenge and excitement. The dissertation fills your mental need for the same. Neither one is comfortable, and neither one is a known commodity the first time around. Hopefully, there will not be a second time around for the dissertation.
Getting things right with God is a hard job, like training for a marathon or writing a dissertation. No matter how many times I try to regroup and refocus my life with Christ, I find that I can never get it right. It’s a long, constant road to growth. And, for some reason, I keep being prodded to reconsider my career choices. It’s a strange feeling that I can’t quite interpret. I don’t know what God wants me to do anymore, possibly because I have been so focused on what I think I want to do. Should I simply have stayed at Grace? I don’t like to second guess my choices, but I have been spending a great deal of time lately doing just that.
Waiting to put together your classroom because people are painting it right before school starts is a test of patience. Yeah. I think this is self-explanatory. Even though Lisa put the work order in last spring, the painters will be there through the weekend. I am a little panicked, but I know this whole Burris thing will be an exercise in my obedience to God and in my ability to give grace.
Re-learning not to say bad things is a challenge. I recognize that I spend a great deal of my time talking about people and things. I don’t like it when people talk about me. I never used to talk about people. Jaymes wrote in my yearbook before we began dating, “You never say anything bad. How do you do it?” I think I did it because I was so in love with Jesus that I didn’t see any value in getting ahead in this world. How to get back there is the big question. At any rate, I need to stop running my mouth. I am working on it.
Just because you have a few bad runs and you feel like you are gaining weight instead of losing it, that’s no reason to give up running. It probably does indicate that you should start swimming, too, just so that all your eggs aren’t in one basket.
I like music. All kinds, except what Kellie plays, and especially old school Jennifer Knapp.
I don’t think studying in coffee shops could ever be overrated. In fact, when I get the opportunity next summer, I plan to spend great deals of time in coffee shops reading, writing, and dissertating. I might be the person who talks with everyone and annoys the other patrons.
I love being vegan and trying to eat healthy food that I make in my own kitchen. I could really live the rest of my life without ever going out. I’m a good cook. And humble. 🙂 Also, I can’t wait to eat a peanut butter and jelly on whole wheat each day for lunch at school. Eating PBJ makes me feel like a kid again. Young and carefree. I haven’t dealt well with growing up and becoming responsible.
The hot weather makes me happy, but what makes me happier is a good thunderstorm. Thanks, God, for this morning’s amazing show.