Category Archives: Grace

Am I a Winner?

As it turns out, I received a check for four thousand odd dollars in the mail yesterday. It came with a letter in a regular envelope that says I won $118,000 in a drawing from a major super-store. I enter those things all the time, so it would be sweet if I really won. I am going to check it out, but I am pretty sure it is a scam, though it has been kind of nice to dream about what I would do with that much money. I could be debt free and pay a substantial chunk down on our house. That could be nice. I keep wavering between thinking those thoughts and thinking thoughts that say, “You know it is a scam, and you know they will just clean out your savings account.” Funny thing: I have nothing to lose. Literally nothing.

On a more real note, I just received enough money to buy new running shoes, which is a major surprise and blessing. I swear, sometimes grace just smacks you between the eyes. I need a new pair to begin training for the Indy Mini. Between now and May 8, I have to train my body to run 13.1 miles. Can I do it? I hope so, and then I hope I can keep on running, so that I can do a fall marathon in 2011, right after completing my dissertation. I am pretty excited about the whole prospect. Finishing my dissertation, running a marathon, getting a job: all three sound pretty sweet to me.

I gave my shitty first draft of my dissertation proposal to my dissertation director today. I fear meeting with her on Monday, because my writing seems to get worse the more intensely I try to revise or edit. The proposal, as it stands, seems to ramble, repeat, and ramble some more. I hope I can get it spruced up enough to send it out to the whole committee, so I can get it approved by the graduate school and move on to the actual drafting of the dissertation. I am much more excited to write the actual chapters than I was to write the proposal, although I am having a difficult time trying to wrap my mind around the immensity of the project. It seems huge and insurmountable to me right now. Maybe once I get going, I will be able to see the individual aspects of it more easily. That way I can tackle one at a time and make baby-steps.

*

I am thankful for gift certificates, unexpected checks, and dreams (attainable or imaginary).

Food: decaf Americano, pear, orange juice, banana, milk, pumpkin cookies

Exercise: RB to Burris and back, walking the dogs

Old Friends and Relaxation

I had the distinct privilege of having lunch today with two of my oldest friends, Tisha and Lyn. I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time! Right now, I am picturing Tisha twirling the ends of her imaginary mustache as she talks about how crazy someone is, and I am picturing Lyn’s very serious look she gets when she is trying not to laugh, which has always cracked me up.

We spent the majority of our time together talking about crazy people we know, and listening to Tish discuss her most recent surgery. The highlight of the day would be when Tish described her new “poop-bag,” installed because of the removal of her colon, as a play-dough factory for poo.  Her pronouncement of the play-dough factory for poo came complete with Lyn’s hand motion of pushing down the lever on a real play-dough fun factory while her other hand forms the play-dough squirting out. Tish then said, “Yeah, just like that, only the consistency of baby poo.” How much more amazing can you get? I would argue not much.

*

I spent the afternoon at Starbucks working on my dissertation proposal and reading. While I was there, three older people came in and sat down in the chairs just opposite me. I want to write a creative nonfiction piece from the experience because it was so endearing and unsettlingly common. This is what I have so far:

Circled Around an Apple Fritter in the Tillotson Starbucks

He pats her three or seven times, never more or less, always three or seven times. She whispers to him, “I love you.” Occasionally, she follows that proclamation with, “Thanks for all you do for me.” When she says this to him, he pats her left hand with his right, seven times. “I love you, too.”

She asks, “Are we going back to school after lunch?”

He pats three times and says, “No, I am going home with you to keep you safe, so you won’t have to worry.”

“I don’t want to go to Greensburg.”

“We aren’t going to Greensburg. We are going home. Here in Muncie. Patty is going to Greensburg.” He gestures toward the other woman who sits on his left. The three are sharing an apple fritter and two cups of coffee. He has poured a toddler’s portion of his coffee into a short cup and swirls it to cool it for her. He forks a too-big bite of fritter into her mouth. She smiles and chews, crumbs dropping onto her purple jacket. He wipes them gently onto the ground, squeezing her thick hand while her hot pink fingernails tapping the chair in time to her own music. I wonder if he paints her nails or if she gets them done at a salon.

“When are you going back to school? I want to go home.” He pats her hand three times and reminds her that they are going home after she finishes her coffee.

“It’s hot, but it’s good for you. Be careful. It’s still too hot,” he speaks gently to her like a kindergarten teacher talks to her students. He pats her leg seven times and caresses her cheek. As she lifts the cup, he reminds, “Hot. Hot. Hot. Careful.”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too, Dear.”

She looks across the table toward Patty and asks, “What school do you go to? Do you have to go back to school this afternoon?”

Patty’s eyes crinkle into a smile and she answers, “I quit school. I hated being a school girl.” They all laugh, but the woman seems bewildered, unsure about what is funny.

“Are we going home now? I don’t want to go to Greensburg.”

“One last swallow of coffee and we are going home.” He pats her arm three times while she swallows the last of the drink from the tiny paper cup. When he gets up to take the trash to the bin, she asks, “Are you going back to school now?”

*

I am thankful for people who exhibit more patience than I could ever muster.

Food: orange juice, grilled cheese, seasoned fries, cottage cheese, Christmas goodies, two decaf Americanos, plain bagel with cream cheese, salad with strawberries, garbonzo beans, parmesan cheese, mushrooms, and honey mustard dressing

Exercise: walked the dogs a mile

Family Dinner and Santa Claus

This morning I had the distinct privilege of visiting Santa with my lovely god-daughter, Izzy. This year she was so good and brave, walking right up to Santa and letting him lift her up onto his lap. Well, she was brave until it came time to smile for her picture. She looks nervous. In fact, she looks like she might just think that Santa thing is a little felt-up. But, like the big girl she was pretending to be—or the big girl she is becoming though none of us want to admit it—she told Santa she wants an Elmo for Christmas, explained that she was two years old, took the tiny candy cane in her cold little hand and even remembered to say thank you before running back to her mom’s arms. The whole thing was magical.

Riding the train only added to her excitement. When she got on the train, all of us thought she would get halfway around the little track and then start to cry, but she rode the thing around all five times and even laughed and waved at us. She even smiled at a little boy who was waiting to ride. It is amazing to me how quickly these little guys grow up. Last year, she didn’t even want to sit on Santa’s lap and this year at two and a half she talked to him. Without crying. And riding the train by herself. Wow.

*

Tonight we had a family dinner, or a sort of family dinner. It was my dad, mom, Bec, Bart, Laura, Zoe, and I. I swear that no matter what my cousin Bart ever does, there is nothing he will do to make me love him any less. There is just something about him that deep down is amazing. I am not saying that he doesn’t have the potential to annoy the piss out of someone, but you can’t help but love the guy. I would not say that about all of my cousins; though as cousins go, I am pretty blessed. Anyway, we also ate some of Mom and Dad’s top tier of their wedding anniversary cake, which was still delicious and beautiful.

*

I am thankful for rehabilitation in whatever form it takes and no matter how slowly it progresses.

Exercise: walked the dogs .5 miles

Food: I ate everything in sight. Seriously. My belly hurts, and I had horrible hiccups.  banana, mint M&Ms, cheese enchilada, potato enchilada, chili relleno, rice, chips and salsa, seven layer salad minus bacon, baked potato, veggies, a piece of cake, bread

Two Days and No Post. What?

Well, I’ve been lazy.

Bec’s mom asked me to define grace. Here is what I wrote back to her:

I think there is the theological concept of grace, which is sort of wrapped up with mercy, being the divine act of not giving someone what they deserve in payment for a sin they have committed, but I don’t really like to think of grace that way too much because it seems, then, like something you Lord over someone. It seems to cheapen it because you could then say, “Remember that time when I let whatever transgression you committed go?” I think real grace, Biblical or otherwise is so much more than that. Possibly the best way for me to describe the way I think of grace is that it is the anitthesis of shame. Too many of us live in shame all the time for whatever reason.

I was talking with one of my favorite professors the other day and we were talking about this idea in regards to people who had been abused (mentally, physically, sexually, etc.), women who have had abortions, etc. and the way people carry their shame—shame we bring on ourselves, shame we dole out to each other, shame that is part of societal structure, shame that is preached from pulpits, delivered from political lecterns, and spoon fed to school children by their teachers. It seems that shame helps keep people in their hierarchical places. Those of us who can usurp shame with grace break free from those cultural bindings. Grace turns shame upside down. I don’t want this to seem like I don’t think there are consequences for actions. There are. But consequences are one thing and life-long shame is another.

An act of grace could include the simplest thing like taking in your neighbor’s garbage can, talking kindly to a sales clerk, looking people in the eye and saying hello, not throwing a fit at the barista who screws up your coffee AGAIN!, caring about someone who is difficult to care about, or offering your expertise or time to someone else for no good reason. I do think the theological idea figures in to all of this because when we are doing these acts, which are also kindnesses, we are in effect heaping love and mercy onto another person.

Our world would be much better off if we practices “charis” or “hesed” every day as much as possible. “Charis,” the Greek that is usually translated as grace really means goodness, kindness, beauty, or even human creativity, and “hesed,” the Hebrew equivalent, is usually translated as compassion or loving-kindness. Both Biblical terms are used in situations where God empowers the act of grace in the person who is enacting it, or it is an act that God performs toward humans.

I would by no means limit grace to a Christian concept, though; the ideas of grace and compassion abound in almost all religious writings I have read. I think if there is one theological idea that is nearly universal, even among those with no theological ascription, the idea of grace is it. I mean, it seems to be an idea even my atheist friends can get behind.

Also, the great interest in grace is upsurging because I have been trying to write a creative nonfiction piece for about three years that has grace as its main theme. I’m collecting stories of grace form people and I have some pretty good ones to work in.

And, a large portion of my dissertation deals with grace and shame and the way Black women writers use preaching/healing figures with various forms of authority (juridical, ancestral, Biblical, and hybrid) in order to bring grace instead of shame to the Black female body.

Also, I try really hard to live this way, and I am trying to become more conscientious of it as I work with more and more students. If I believe something, I think I should behave in that manner. Obviously, it doesn’t work every day, but I think I am getting better at it.

So, there you have it: my thoughts on grace. I need to work on this essay over break, but I also HAVE to get my dissertation proposal finished.

*

This is for two days, the best I can remember:

I am thankful for people who challenge me to think about things in new ways.

Exercise: walked the dogs, ran 3 miles, walked from Burris to RB, etc.

Food: bananas, juices, cheese sandwich, too much pizza, salad, apples, clementines, cheese, pretzels, milk

You Take the Good, You Take the Bad…

You take ’em both and there you have the facts of life. Today has been the epitome of doing just that—taking the good and the bad and figuring out the facts of life. I feel like I was handed huge handfuls of bothand then asked to figure out how to blow my nose or open a door using the door knob. I couldn’t hold all the goodness, keep all the badness, and complete a simple task. So I let the badness go. For a change, I flushed it away without worrying about it. I am just left here holding onto all the goodness and reveling in it like there is no tomorrow!

I received this prayer in my inbox today, courtesy of Sojourners, and it really impacted me. I am going to print it off and put it in places where I look frequently, like mirrors, doors, and inside books, so I can learn from its depth and humility. I think it makes me contemplate new ideas and to ponder God in new ways.

God, I abandon myself into your hands. Do with me whatever you will. Whatever you may do, I thank you. I am ready for all, I accept all. Let only your will be done in me, and in all your creatures. Into your hands I commend my spirit. I offer it to you with all the love that is in my heart. For I love you, Lord, and so want to give myself, to surrender myself into your hands, without reserve and with boundless confidence. Amen. —Charles de Foucauld

*

I am thankful for friends who are merciful to those who anger them.

Exercise: walked the dogs two miles

Food: banana, juice, chocolate milk, chili, cheese sandwich, Papa Johns, Christmas nougats, blackberries, some mint M&Ms, Orange Crush (Forgive me. It was delicious. So sweet and so cold.)