Category Archives: Relationships

Ups and Downs.

Posted on 8 November 2009 | 2 comments

Today has been one of theological ups and downs. I have decided that I cannot go back to Agape, and, sadly, there aren’t very many people I will even miss by not returning. I say this is sad because a person shouldn’t be able to attend a church for three and a half years, then leave, and not really miss anyone. I think I didn’t form attachments to many people because I didn’t feel like I could ever be myself, which I suppose I will wrestle with for most of my adult life in church.

On my way to church this morning, I prayed for God to change my heart, for God to meet me there, and for my own knowledge and pride not to get in my way. I found myself worshiping God in a way that I hadn’t in a long time. I felt at one with all God’s glory around me: the trees in their changing state, the fields being harvested, and the wind blowing forcefully through the trees. I felt like Celie in The Color Purple when she finally understood who God is: “Here’s the thing, say Shug. The thing I believe. God is inside you and inside everybody else. You come into this world with God. But only them that search for it inside find it. And sometimes it just manifest itself even if you not looking, or don’t know what you are looking for. Trouble do it for most folks, I think. […] God ain’t a he or a she, but a It.” I was reveling in the beauty of my body as I exercised, basking in God’s love. “Create in me a clean heart, put a new and right spirit within me,” I prayed with David, the Psalmist. I felt like my previous tension and even anger had been swept away by this 40 minutes of worship and prayer. When I walked into church a few minutes late, they were already taking communion. I interpreted this as a good sign. Surely, today would be different.

Aside from the new red and yellow stage lighting and the performative nature of the worship sets, I can live with change. I am not someone who despises things simply because they are new; I just expect things to change for some higher or better purpose, especially when they involve God, the Church, or things theological. I could feel my annoyance rising when I could tell that the service had been engineered to run seamlessly. My irritation continued to rise when attention was drawn to the fact that it was engineered in this manner, and we were expected to think that was cool and even lament the fact that it didn’t go off as planned.

My anger culminated when the Scripture we read was Acts 1. I wasn’t angry about reading Acts 1—Acts is one of my favorite books of the Bible, and I would consider it one of the most powerful—but I was angry at the fact that we read most of Acts 1, except PART of verse 14: “They all joined together constantly in prayer, along with the women and Mary the mother of Jesus, and with his brothers.” We were encouraged to understand that we should pray all the time, but we never discussed the revolutionary implications of a church who prays together, male and female, joined together. Similarly, when we talked about the Samaritan woman at the well a few Sundays ago, more attention was drawn to the fact that she was Samaritan than the fact that she was a woman. In fact, we also didn’t read part of that Scripture either. The part we neglected to read was John 4:27: “Just then his disciples returned and were surprised to find him talking with a woman. But no one asked, ‘What do you want?’ or ‘Why are you talking with her?'” How can you tell, let alone try to apply an exegetical or hermeneutical understanding to, this story without mentioning the female aspect of it?isnt_heart_break_cute1

By the end of the service this morning I was filled with anger, disappointment, and a great sense of loss. I found myself mourning the great strides I had seen our church make over the past few years. They have been lost or abandoned in less than a couple of months. I lay hope in the fact that this style of service reaches someone. Obviously it reaches the people who go there, but it doesn’t reach me. I think God uses everything to reach out to this world, but it doesn’t mean that everything reaches everyone. I think it is better for my spiritual well-being if I just stop going and find somewhere that doesn’t provoke me to rage. This is difficult for me. I am not one to quit what I have started, but my spiritual health relies on my leaving. Bye, Agape. I mourn the loss of you.

I decided to try out Commonway Church tonight. I loved it. The worship was genuine; the message, given by a missionary to China, was thought-provoking; and, they actually do real things like go to movies with each other and talk about worldly ventures. I didn’t feel cloistered off from the real world. I felt like I was in the world, not of the world. I did not feel like I should be ashamed for listening to secular music, watching movies that are rated R, or thinking critically about the word. In fact, the speaker compared God’s glory and world recognition to the world-renown of Michael Jordan. Let’s face it. More people could probably pick Michael Jordan out of a line up than could pick Jesus out. It was good. I have found at least a temporary home.

*

I have decided to start listing my food consumption and exercise expenditure here. The purpose of this is two-fold: (1) I need to make sure I am eating properly. (2) If I list it here each day, it will encourage me to write more.

Exercise: walked the dogs 1.4 miles; ran for 39 minutes (3 miles); biked to church and home

Food: banana, juice, oatmeal, spaghetti with marinara, spaghetti squash, spinach, ice cream sandwich, two Twizzlers, popcorn, cheese, an apple, glass of chocolate milk

2 Comments

Posted in Feminism, Food, Grace, Relationships, Running, Writing

It’s Official: I Have Over-committed.

Posted on 26 October 2009 | 1 comment

This week is the first week of my life in which I am absolutely uncertain about how I will logistically finish everything I need to do. Here are the work-related things I need to accomplish by next Monday at 9 AM:

  • Plan lessons for Tuesday and Thursday English 103
  • Plan midterm review for Thursday for American literature
  • grade 50 English 103 essays (Sunday through Tuesday)
  • write an American literature midterm
  • grade 23 American literature midterms (next weekend)
  • grade 23 American literature comic assignments (next weekend)
  • write a twenty-minute conference paper (Saturday and Sunday)
  • work on my dissertation proposal and have something to show Debbie (Saturday and Sunday)

These are the fun things I am doing during the same time period:

  • Going to see my friend Kimberly on Wednesday morning
  • Reading some of the new Judith Butler book, Frames of War
  • Spending Halloween Evening with Ed, Abs, and Iz (Saturday evening)
  • Running a 5-mile trail run at the Mounds with my brother (Sunday afternoon)

My life is pretty hectic right now. In fact, I need to really pare down. I keep saying that and then not doing it, but I really need to do it. I keep forgetting appointments, meetings, and coffee dates, which is not responsible or admirable.

Over this past weekend, I got a great surprise. Bec took me to Vera Mae’s with a gift certificate she got for her birthday from Advantage. This wasn’t the biggest surprise. The fact that my pasta primavera was actually good was a huge one! Typically, the pasta is not delicious nor is it primavera. On their menu, the dish is called Ravioli Primavera, which is supposed to be “tender ravioli stuffed with portabello mushrooms and topped with crisp, spring vegetables in a garlic butter white wine sauce.” What usually comes out on the plate is about ten raviolis with some white sauce slapped over it. This time the ravioli was actually covered with vegetables and the sauce was fresh not clumpy and thick. The dish was actually savory. However, I failed to realize that they changed the sauce from an alfredo sauce to a white wine sauce.

Remember, I am not supposed to have grapes, raisins, or anything of that nature because of my Nazarite vow. When I realized my mistake, I looked up what was supposed to happen when someone breaks a vow of this nature. The vow is supposed to begin again with a re-dedication and a cleanly shorn head. I thought about starting over, but then I figured that my consumption of grapes was unintentional, so I am probably okay with just continuing my vow as is. However, I did find a source that said even if someone falls down dead next to a Nazarite, through no cause of his own, the Nazarite is supposed to be re-dedicated. I am still trying to decide what I should do. I want to honor my vow, but I don’t want to start over.

I had another surprise over the weekend. My friend, Amy, came over from Cincinnati to meet me for lunch on Sunday. We toured Muncie, looking for a restaurant that was open on Sunday afternoon. After driving downtown and finding the Blue Bottle closed, we went to Wishbone gifts and looked at the disc golf discs, glass pipes, hookas, and jewelry. Then we went down Walnut to Sketchy Thai, which was also closed on Sunday. Finally, we settled on Johnny Carino’s after we went through BSU’s campus so I could show Amy the amazing room I teach in. We had a great time, but I realized that I am sometimes a horrible friend, which stems back to the fact that I am ridiculously busy. There were several life-events that I had forgotten to tell Amy. I thought I had told her, but apparently I hadn’t. I can only say that I suck right now.

I think part of my problem is Facebook. I am an addict. I checked through my old posts, and I get on to check it approximately three times an hour. My problem with this addiction is that I don’t want to get rid of it entirely because I have made contacts with old friends who I don’t want to lose contact with and it’s a great resource to connect with my students. However, I am not adept at self-control, so I say I am going to stop using it, but I don’t. I continue to check it constantly. It’s ridiculous.

So, here I go. On with my week.

1 Comment

Posted in Dissertation, Reading, Relationships, Running, School, Teaching

This I Believe Draft

Posted on 8 September 2009 | 3 comments

I have been called a communist. I have been called a socialist. I think communalist or Christian describes me more accurately than either of the other two words. But I won’t balk if anyone calls me a communist or socialist.  I embrace these two names because of the things I believe.

Because I believe that people are inherently good, I believe we could easily live together in harmony if people were willing to do a few things differently. In other words, we need to make some cultural lifestyle changes. People are generally out for themselves because our culture forces them to be. Deep down everyone is generous.  Some cultures thrive by living in community; ours just happens to be more focused on individualism. However, a few small changes could cause big ripples.

I believe we should listen when other people talk. I had a professor who once said to someone in class, “Could you start over? I forgot to listen.” I think he was being honest about a behavior that many of us suffer from on a daily basis: we don’t listen to each other. Instead of having the decency, though, to admit that we forget to listen, we pretend that we are listening all along. Sometimes we even nod our heads as if we agree with the other person, not knowing what it is we’re agreeing to. If we, as humans, truly listened to each other instead of writing our shopping lists, planning our evenings, or thinking about that joke that someone told us earlier, then the world would be much less chaotic because we would all know what other people said instead of pretending like we do. We might also learn something about other people, which in turn might make us more compassionate.

Maybe this could be partially aided if people would return to using common courtesies in their speech, like saying please and thank you. It wouldn’t hurt if we would take the time to answer the question, “How are you?” with an honest answer instead of giving the answer that everyone expects: “Fine.” One day I want to say to someone, “I am not fine. I am dying inside and my soul hurts so bad.” And I want that to be okay. I want to be able to tell people when I struggle, but I also believe we should rejoice when there is reason for rejoicing. Life is good sometimes, most times if we try hard to see the joys. We should be able to celebrate the good and lament the bad together.

I believe part of this inability to connect to other people stems from the fact that we are too in love with our possessions. Especially as Americans, we love our technology, our cars, our houses, our gadgets, and gizmos. Perhaps if we were required each year to donate our one prized possession to a homeless shelter, domestic violence shelter, or children’s home, we would understand that the things are not where our attachments should lie, but that we should become more deeply invested in each other.

If your child could take his favorite toy, donate it to another child who lives in a homeless shelter, build a relationship with that other child, and see what it feels like to be involved in another persons life, maybe we could teach our children that the world doesn’t belong to them as individuals, but it belongs to them as a society. If you would take your computer (before it completely conks out) and donate it to a battered woman who is trying to get a job to get out of her abusive household, imagine the change in her life. Maybe you even have a great business suit you could include in the package. Something as simple as saving your hotel shampoo, lotion, and soap and giving it to men’s shelter makes a big impact in someone’s life. Have you ever tried to get a job without proper bodily hygiene?  Nearly impossible.

This is why I believe in feeding homeless people: we are one bad day from the fifth floor of the VA hospital. Most of us are one bad day from homelessness, too. What happens today on Wall Street could effect you, it could effect me, or it could effect someone we know. How many homeless people are living on the streets because of one bad day? This isn’t to say that some people don’t choose homelessness. Some do. Some people consciously choose to drop out of capitalism, drop out of society, or just fade into the background. I don’t blame them. All the keeping up is hard work. Never walk past another person without making eye contact. You are no better than the teenager with scars up and down his arms, living on the street. We are all  interconnected.

Maybe we should all eat out of dumpsters. Then we could look each other in the eyes. Maybe it is a blessing that we throw away too much. No, it is heresy. We could feed a small country with what we put in the garbage can each day. Each day Americans throw away more than most people eat in a week.  We should all be more frugal.  When I was in high school, my boyfriend and I dumpster dived many times. We foraged–no, gleaned–potato chips from the dumpster behind the Seyfert’s distribution center and sold them at lunch. We used the money to pay for dates, movies, and other things we wanted but didn’t have money for. Looking back, we probably should have just given the chips away and not worried about getting money for them. We didn’t disrupt the capitalist cycle, we just reinvented it.

Maybe I am communist, because I think all people should get paid the same amount of money. The big corporate executive would be nowhere without the people who work in her factories or retail centers, and they would all be no where without the person who cleans up after them all. Where would most people be without coffee farmers, trash collectors, ministers, rabbis, and teachers? Are professional sports and big-name actors or actresses of more worth than their elementary organization sponsors? If we all got paid the same amount for doing what we are good at, then we could go about doing those things without feeling the pressure of keeping up with the Joneses, never mind that the Joneses work no harder for their possessions than we do. I suppose if we weren’t obsessed with possessions, we wouldn’t care if we couldn’t keep up with the Joneses, though.

I believe no one should look at you funny if you make change out of the offering plate at church. God doesn’t care if you only have a twenty but can only afford to give up five for the Church. God cares more that you are giving something than nothing. Remember the story of the poor widow’s mite.  God will multiply your five dollars and use it to feed and clothe the masses. Haven’t you ever read the story of the loaves and the fishes?

That story, I will add, confirms what I have been writing: life is all about sharing, gleaning, feeding, and giving what you have to others. Call it communism if you must. I will call it being like Christ.

3 Comments

Posted in Gleaning, Grace, Just for Fun, Politics, Relationships, Religion, Teaching, Writing

I Believe…

Posted on 3 September 2009 | 4 comments
  1. people are inherently good.
  2. in smelling flowers.
  3. in watching butterflies.
  4. that if everyone rode a motorcycle, we would be a much more peaceful planet.
  5. in God.
  6. tattoos make skin beautiful.
  7. in sleeping for at least 9 hours each night.
  8. that tragedies happen for a reason.
  9. that we should share what we have with people who don’t have as much.
  10. in feeding homeless people.
  11. people live the best in community.
  12. in running.
  13. reading helps us to understand each other on a deeper level.
  14. what we eat matters.
  15. that beer is good.
  16. everyone should get paid the same amount.
  17. there should be no racism.
  18. that gay people should be allowed to marry.
  19. we should think for ourselves.
  20. people should say please and thank you.
  21. we should revere our elders.
  22. we should train our children up in a calm, guiding manner.
  23. in grace.
  24. people should listen when other people talk.
  25. people should answer the question, “How are you?” with an honest answer.
  26. you should be able to make change out of the offering plate at church.
  27. vanilla malts with frosted flakes and mini marshmallows are next to heaven in loveliness.
  28. I could eat pizza for every meal.
  29. swine flu is a government scare tactic to keep us paranoid.
  30. people should be able to dress comfortably for all occasions.
  31. clothing designers should learn that not all fat women are busty.
  32. we should spend time discussing ideas and not people.
  33. each year people should have to donate their most prized possession to a homeless shelter, domestic violence shelter, or children’s home.
  34. most ill-feelings can be cured by walking in the woods.
  35. squirrels really are out to get us.
  36. when people swim they release their stress into the water with each stroke.
  37. hormones kill brain cells.
  38. most good music was made in the late 60s, early 70s.
  39. diamonds are not a girls best friend.
  40. we should still talk about AIDS and other STDs in health class, and talk about ways other than abstinence to prevent them.
  41. every child deserves a happy childhood, but does not need to be spoiled to accomplish that childhood.
  42. in equal rights for all people.
  43. we throw away too much. We should be more frugal.
  44. Chuck Taylors and Five Fingers are the world’s most perfect shoes.
  45. in gleaning out of dumpsters.

4 Comments

Posted in Beer, Fat, Feminism, Food, Grace, Motorcycles, Politics, Queer, Reading, Relationships, Religion, Running, School, Teaching, Writing

It’s Been a Long Time…

Posted on 25 August 2009 | 2 comments

…been a long time, been a long lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time. Sure has. Nothing like a little led Zeppelin to get the day going. I am not sure I even really like Led Zeppelin, but I like this song even though I have never really understood what it was about. It’s amazing that I could listen to a song a million times, at every high school dance (the three I went to) and on the radio, and never really get the lyrics.

I suppose it hasn’t really been lonely, but it has been a long time since I have written anything. So much has happened since the last time I wrote, it seems like light years since I went to Michigan, since Merideth got engaged, since I took my comprehensive exams, since Jacob spent two weeks at our house and taught me to love disc golf, and since Dave, the little man who is fixing our house, started fixing our house.

Because so much has been going on, I feel a little life-vertigo, like no matter where I put my foot down, it will be the wrong location and everything might come toppling down. I am not saying this to sound dramatic, I just feel a bit disoriented. I don’t, however, feel stressed, though I must be because I woke up yesterday with this kink in a muscle in my back. Today it was worse. While we were walking the dogs this morning, Bec said that I have the most amazing ability to somatize my stress. I do. I would much rather have a sore muscle than to have some deadly illness like I had last winter.

I started running last winter with the intention of finishing the mini-marathon in Indy, but I got so sick I couldn’t keep running. My lungs were pissed and they were having no part of my exercising in the cold air. Well, I since have started running again, and I am up to running 4 miles at a 12-minute mile pace. I say that’s not too shabby for a fat kid. I was supposed to run this morning, but when I woke up at 5:30, it was dark outside so I slept until 6:30 and walked the dogs.

Since the last time I posted, I have taken a Nazarite Vow that will end when my dissertation is finished. I took it on my birthday, July 22, by shaving my head and spending the day relaxing and contemplating the parameters of the vow. I amended the original Jewish vow, so I am not only following it, but I also added some things of my own. For the next year and a half to two years, I am abstaining from anything containing grapes, wine, or raisins, all alcohol, cutting my hair, eating meat, caffeine, sugary foods. In the same time period, it is my goal to walk at least 5 miles each day, which can include the morning run.  I plan to start swimming three times a week next week, as well. It is also my goal to run a marathon before I turn 40. So far, I am doing pretty well with my goals, and I have been managing quite well abstaining. The side-perk is that I have lost 30-35 pounds.

I feel all rusty and weird writing. I am having a hard time being articulate and creative without feeling like I am forcing it. I guess this is why every writing book, every writer, says that writing should be something that we do every day. I suppose, too, I should actually write about the things I mentioned in the first paragraph, which is typically what one does when setting up a piece of writing. Introduction: body: conclusion.

I should start off by talking about my vacation with Merideth’s family. We stayed at Little Bear Lake Hideaway, and the lake was beautiful. I swam across it, kayaked around it, and ran or walked the road that circled it every day we were there. One day I even went around twice. Usually I was the first one up and out of the cabin, so I got to see the water all quiet and smooth before anyone else was awake to see it. The water was a clear green, and I could see my feet when I was standing up to my neck in the water. The water was also incredibly cold. Very cold. Numbingly cold.

The days went by quickly, too quickly. I could actually live up there on a lake if I could find a job that would sustain me. We went to Gaylord, the closest fairly large town, three times and ate lunch at three decent diners. We went to Lewiston and ate at Talley’s Bar, and Merideth and I went to a little bar by the Outpost for coffee while Josh got Merideth’s clothes ready to go to Mackinac Island.

On Wednesday, we went to the island, and all day Merideth kept talking about wishing she could stay at the Grand Hotel. Finally, when the kids got tired, we walked up to the hotel and pretended we were all going to look at the porch. Little did she know, but Merideth and Josh were staying at the hotel. And, she also didn’t know he was going to propose to her. He did, and she said yes. They are getting married next June 5, and I am performing their wedding on a beach in Florida.

When I got back from Michigan, Bec’s nephew, Jacob, came and stayed with us for two weeks. We painted the outside of the house, which still is not completed, and we pulled up the carpet in the downstairs. We had tons of good conversation, and Jacob cooked dinner for us a few times. The best part of his stay were his disc golf lessons.

Nearly every afternoon, Jacob and I walked down to McCullough Park and pitched some discs. For an hour and a half or so each day, we just chilled and threw discs … and occasionally went poo-diving. Poo-diving happens when someone throws a disc into the drainage channel that runs along the edge of the course. We call the channel, the poo channel, because it is one of the ones that may or may not contain sewage when the storm sewers overflow. I only had to go poo-diving once, but Jacob had to go several times. Yum.

Jacob and I removed the carpet from the downstairs while Dave, the little man that is fixing and rewiring our house, redid the ceiling in the living room. About two weeks ago, he told us that it would only take a couple more days to finish the work, but I think he bit off more than he thought he was biting off with our rewiring. It has been a huge project and most of it had to happen through the uninsulated attic, so for a few days he couldn’t do much because of the intense heat. I can tell you, though, that I am ready for it to be finished, so we can start putting our house back to normal. I want to bring my couch in from the porch.

I took my comps last week and will know by Labor Day whether or not I passed. I am not confident that I did. The hard part about thinking that I may have failed is that I also got a job teaching American Literature at Burris one period a day. If I don’t pass my comps, I don’t get to teach at Burris next semester. If I don’t get to teach there next semester, I lose my foot in the door. And, I want to teach middle school English there next year! I keep trying, in the spirit of my Nazarite vow, to let God be in control and to trust what [They] are doing, but that is so hard for me. It is hard for me to realize that I am not in control, that God is.

I suppose another major event in my life is that my pastor is leaving. Last Sunday was his last Sunday to speak. I was fine until at the end of his message he remarked that he had been at our church for five years, and that it had been a good five years. Then I cried. I cried pretty hard through the last worship set, and then again once it was over. Of course, he came over and harassed me, when I was reading my book to stop myself from crying more, by singing, “I have my books and my poetry to protect me; I am shielded in my armor, hiding in my room, safe within my womb. I touch no one and no one touches me. I am a rock, I am an island.” It’s true, but I am trying to become less of a rock, less of an island. I am trying hard to let people in. I suppose that is why my back has a huge knot in it.

2 Comments

Posted in Beer, Dissertation, Fat, Food, Relationships, Religion, Running, School, Swimming, Teaching, Writing