Category Archives: School

Subbing. Conferences of All Sorts. Writing.

Posted on 5 November 2009 | 2 comments

I am substituting for a friend right now and a few of her students are sitting up in the corner, supposedly reading, but really they are watching videos or listening to something on someone’s iPod. They don’t think I can see what they are doing, but I can see them laughing, and the last time I checked, Of Mice and Men wasn’t a funny book. Maybe I just failed to see the humor in it. Maybe somehow these two students have unlocked the secret to the mystery within, which I was unable to find. Another student is sitting in his desk with his head down pretending to read but trying harder to sleep, but the one who is sound asleep in the middle of the floor takes the cake. The rest of them, diligent as can be, are using this time to their advantage to read the book. Two of them took it home last night, read it all, and are already working on their essays. One of the over-achievers just came back to the room from the library, where he is working on his essay, to ask the other over-achiever a question. This kid is young, too young for high school, as is evidenced by the fact that he just skipped, like the child he is, back to the library. But he’s smart so he’s here.

When I was in high school, I would have been sitting in the corner watching the iPod. Why, then, am I so hard on students who act like I did when I was younger? I do it to my college students, too. If someone had told me that I had a free pass to miss class because of the flu, I would have missed as much as possible, saying, “Peace out until they lift this new policy.” I would have quit class, done my homework from home, and come on the last day to turn it in, all the while claiming I had the swine flu. For. A. Really. Long. Time. I wonder why, now as an adult, this behavior irritates me so much. I have come to the conclusion that it irritates me because I am grown, so I can no longer get away with it. I have to work and do things like write conference papers.

I leave in about fifteen minutes for a conference. My paper is still not finished. I am not saying this to brag, as undoubtedly some people who read this will misconstrue, but I say this because it scares the shit out of me that I will not get it finished before I am supposed to present it. I try to act nonchalant about my last-minute trysts with Microsoft Word, research, and my ideas, but each time this happens—this time not because I procrastinated, but because I literally did not have time to write it—it strengthens the fear in me that I will one day be discovered as the woman who can’t do it, who doesn’t quite measure up, and who simply doesn’t belong in academia.

This is not self-debasement or a thinly veiled plea for self-pity. Instead, this is simply how I feel about my inability to get things finished in a timely fashion. Oh, I do try to play it off as this quirky skill I have for procrastinating until the last possible minute and then pulling something out of my ass that is passable, half-way intelligent, and not plain crap. I might even laugh about it or pretend I function best this way. It isn’t funny, and I am not proud that I am a woman who writes her conference papers at the last minute. I would vow to change this behavior but I know it won’t be easy to change. As I said, it isn’t like I just put it off. I simply didn’t have time to finish it. Now I am putting it off.

I think writing gets easier the more I write. I don’t write academically everyday, but I do try to do some type of writing each day, so I think it gets less difficult to try to synthesize ideas into a cohesive presentation or paper. It doesn’t matter how easy it gets to put ideas together, it still takes time to put them down in print. Now I will go finish putting them in print. Yes, I am almost finished with it.

2 Comments

Posted in Dissertation, Personal, School, Teaching, Writing

It’s Official: I Have Over-committed.

Posted on 26 October 2009 | 1 comment

This week is the first week of my life in which I am absolutely uncertain about how I will logistically finish everything I need to do. Here are the work-related things I need to accomplish by next Monday at 9 AM:

  • Plan lessons for Tuesday and Thursday English 103
  • Plan midterm review for Thursday for American literature
  • grade 50 English 103 essays (Sunday through Tuesday)
  • write an American literature midterm
  • grade 23 American literature midterms (next weekend)
  • grade 23 American literature comic assignments (next weekend)
  • write a twenty-minute conference paper (Saturday and Sunday)
  • work on my dissertation proposal and have something to show Debbie (Saturday and Sunday)

These are the fun things I am doing during the same time period:

  • Going to see my friend Kimberly on Wednesday morning
  • Reading some of the new Judith Butler book, Frames of War
  • Spending Halloween Evening with Ed, Abs, and Iz (Saturday evening)
  • Running a 5-mile trail run at the Mounds with my brother (Sunday afternoon)

My life is pretty hectic right now. In fact, I need to really pare down. I keep saying that and then not doing it, but I really need to do it. I keep forgetting appointments, meetings, and coffee dates, which is not responsible or admirable.

Over this past weekend, I got a great surprise. Bec took me to Vera Mae’s with a gift certificate she got for her birthday from Advantage. This wasn’t the biggest surprise. The fact that my pasta primavera was actually good was a huge one! Typically, the pasta is not delicious nor is it primavera. On their menu, the dish is called Ravioli Primavera, which is supposed to be “tender ravioli stuffed with portabello mushrooms and topped with crisp, spring vegetables in a garlic butter white wine sauce.” What usually comes out on the plate is about ten raviolis with some white sauce slapped over it. This time the ravioli was actually covered with vegetables and the sauce was fresh not clumpy and thick. The dish was actually savory. However, I failed to realize that they changed the sauce from an alfredo sauce to a white wine sauce.

Remember, I am not supposed to have grapes, raisins, or anything of that nature because of my Nazarite vow. When I realized my mistake, I looked up what was supposed to happen when someone breaks a vow of this nature. The vow is supposed to begin again with a re-dedication and a cleanly shorn head. I thought about starting over, but then I figured that my consumption of grapes was unintentional, so I am probably okay with just continuing my vow as is. However, I did find a source that said even if someone falls down dead next to a Nazarite, through no cause of his own, the Nazarite is supposed to be re-dedicated. I am still trying to decide what I should do. I want to honor my vow, but I don’t want to start over.

I had another surprise over the weekend. My friend, Amy, came over from Cincinnati to meet me for lunch on Sunday. We toured Muncie, looking for a restaurant that was open on Sunday afternoon. After driving downtown and finding the Blue Bottle closed, we went to Wishbone gifts and looked at the disc golf discs, glass pipes, hookas, and jewelry. Then we went down Walnut to Sketchy Thai, which was also closed on Sunday. Finally, we settled on Johnny Carino’s after we went through BSU’s campus so I could show Amy the amazing room I teach in. We had a great time, but I realized that I am sometimes a horrible friend, which stems back to the fact that I am ridiculously busy. There were several life-events that I had forgotten to tell Amy. I thought I had told her, but apparently I hadn’t. I can only say that I suck right now.

I think part of my problem is Facebook. I am an addict. I checked through my old posts, and I get on to check it approximately three times an hour. My problem with this addiction is that I don’t want to get rid of it entirely because I have made contacts with old friends who I don’t want to lose contact with and it’s a great resource to connect with my students. However, I am not adept at self-control, so I say I am going to stop using it, but I don’t. I continue to check it constantly. It’s ridiculous.

So, here I go. On with my week.

1 Comment

Posted in Dissertation, Reading, Relationships, Running, School, Teaching

10K. Another 10K. Italian Food. So Much of It.

Posted on 11 October 2009 | 1 comment

On Saturday, I ran my first 10K. For those of you who read this blog regularly, you know that means I really jogged a 10K, but saying jogged isn’t nearly as sexy as saying ran. So, I ran my first 10K. I finished. Last. Dead last. All said and done, the run took me an hour and twenty-four minutes, which is approximately 13.5 minutes per mile, not so bad for a fat kid. I came in third in my age group. I won a ribbon, a ribbon I promptly lost on the way home. Because I don’t have a car and so my legs wouldn’t be rubber today, I rode my bike to the race. On my way home, my ribbon fell out of my sweatshirt pocket. I am not sure where. I didn’t bother to go back and look. I love it that I came in dead last, but still got a ribbon! Magic. And all good things.

Today is Bec’s fiftieth birthday. The big 5-0. We celebrated by spending time with Ed, Abs, and Iz yesterday and by going to the Salamonie Reservoir to hike about 5.5 or 6 miles today. We started this new tradition last year when it was almost 80º. This year it was less than 50º, but the hike was still excellent. Actually, it was perfect. We walked along the tree trail, which is a trail that has all the tress marked for the students who are supposed to do leaf collections for school, and then cut over to the Kon-Ti-On-Ki Bike Trail. I suppose Kon-Ti-On-Ki is some pseudo-American Indian name, but I think it means Government Mind-Fuck or Big Brother is Watching You because the trail just folds over on itself again and again. Each time we walk it, I swear there is someone hovering slightly above the trees, checking to make sure we follow the path. I am waiting to get shocked for stepping out of bounds.

Once we finished hiking, we drove to Fort Wayne and had dinner at Casa! Ristorante. The food was fantastic, but there was so much of it that we both have at least two meal’s worth of food left over. Right now, I am sitting here watching the Travel Channel’s Extreme Pigout and wondering why we find it necessary to make foods like the ones shown. One restaurant offered two pancakes, each a foot in diameter, topped with a half pound of strawberries, two bananas, and a half-cup of chocolate chips. The order of pancakes is over 2000 calories. For breakfast.  Do we need to wonder why people keep getting fatter? When did it become cool to stuff yourself silly? I mean, the Romans did it once in a while at an orgy, but overindulging every day for every meal is almost certainly an American invention. I get tired of going out for dinner, paying an exorbitant price, and then having food left over that won’t taste anywhere near as good the next day. Pasta and pizza are passable, but most foods are simply not edible (or tasty) a second time around. I would much prefer to pay a bit less and get an actual portion of food. And one that tastes delicious. Don’t get me wrong, our food today was great. In fact, it was one of the best Italian meals I’ve had in a long time, but there was so much! It’s in the fridge now for tomorrow’s lunch. And Tuesday’s lunch.

The coming week is sure to be less hectic than the last, but I am sure it will have its own busy moments. I have several social meetings this week, as well as a couple of new school-related appointments. Tomorrow, I am having coffee with a woman from church after Abs and I have our first meeting for our creative writing group at Burris. Tuesday, I am meeting my friend, Stephanie, at the Blue Bottle for coffee if I don’t forget again! I am supposed to have narrowed down the books I plan to use and start a literature review for my dissertation, so I can meet with Debbie in a week. I know I need to read one book, because I think it will fit in well with my proposed topic. Finally, I need to get the book, Judith Butler’s Frames of War: When Is Life Grievable?, for the group I am in so I can start reading it. Also, I just finished grading my students’ first set of papers, and their second set is due on Tuesday. Just when I thought things would slow down, they have sped right back up again.

1 Comment

Posted in Dissertation, Fat, Food, Reading, Running, School, Teaching

Well, I’m up. What more do you want?

Posted on 9 October 2009 | 2 comments

As nights of no sleep go, this night takes the cake. I went to sleep at 10 PM and woke up sometime around 1:30 AM. I drifted in and out sleep until 2:30, then laid their until I finally got out of bed at 3 AM. Of course, I did what I always do when I can’t sleep. I went downstairs and watched Roseanne.

The two I watched this morning were episodes I had never seen before, so I consider this little bout of insomnia worthwhile. I didn’t realize that Tim Curry was in an episode, playing a con-artist business man, Roger. He plays the skeeze like a master. The best part of the episode was that Sandra Bernhard was in it as Nancy. She wanted to have Roger’s baby, but she hadn’t told him her plan. When he skipped town with $5000 of Nancy’s money and an equal amount of Dan and Roseanne’s, Nancy was only upset because she hadn’t yet ovulated during their relationship.

The second episode was the one in which Darlene and David have sex for the first time, which ends up not really factoring into the episode at all. Instead, the focus is on the fact that Darlene gets accepted into a writing program in Chicago while David does not get accepted into an art program at he same school. Of course, Roseanne flies off the handle because she told Darlene she couldn’t leave Lanford. I guess this was a good way to spend my morning.

I just discovered the most wonderful thing: Roseanne is on for an hour on FOX, then half and hour later, it is on for an hour on Nickelodeon.

It’s almost five now, and I am no less sleepy than I was when I went to bed last night; however, I am wide awake.

I had to stress over my Burris students and the logistics of getting them to read the second MAUS book. Foolishly, I didn’t order the two in one books, which would have been the easier solution. Maybe Rachel’s students will let them borrow their books.

I also had to stress over the way the assignment they are going to do for this unit will unfold. Should I have them work in pairs? By themselves? In groups of three? Should we spend an entire week of class doing the assignment? Will they turn out as well as I visualize them? Will they have deep enough concerns to facilitate a deep-consideration of their topic in comic form?

I had to stress over the race on Saturday, spending the better part of an hour visualizing myself coming in dead-last and trying to maintain a well-adjusted countenance about it. I pictured myself just running to my house and calling Bec, Ed, and Abbie to tell them I chickened out. I could never do that, but being a poor sport has its appeals, like saving face.

I had to stress out over getting a whole new set of papers on Tuesday when I just finished grading this one. I also have all the group presentations for my high school student to grade.

I had to stress out over my dissertation proposal. I kept telling myself that I have no idea what I am doing, so I should just give up. And then I told myself that I will be fine, that no one knows how to write a dissertation or its proposal until it is written, and that I should be able to get it done in three months if I can simply buckle down and do it.

I had to stress over my remaining conferences, because I have two of the most difficult ones today. And I had to sit here thinking about writing the assignment sheet for the next assignment and how the research/position paper is everyone’s least favorite assignment. I thought about how dry, but essential, it is to teach citations, source validity, and researching, in general.

Essentially, my morning has been spent psyching myself up and down about various things in my life and walking up and down the stairs to go to the bathroom. Fantastic.

2 Comments

Posted in Dissertation, Religion, Running, School, Teaching

Still Twisted Up in My Midsection

Posted on 30 September 2009 | 4 comments

This is how I feel. Like a puddle of yuck by the side of the road.

I_see_this_colour_by_dev1n

I am still a bit twisted up, but for different reasons. I am finished wasting away over not studying for my exams as thoroughly as I should have–barely at all–and still passing them. I do occasionally, like right now, feel guilty about my ability to get by, but more importantly,  I think I am disgusted at my apathy. I assume one day my ability to get by will cease to exist, and then I will be stuck not knowing how to do it any other way. I just want to finish school, to get a job, and to do what I think I love, which is teaching, though sometimes I still wrestle with what I perceive to be my calling into ministry. What am I doing with that?

Really, I just want to find what it is that makes me happy. I think it is teaching. I love it when I am teaching, but can I see myself doing it forever? Yeah. But, I want to sense that passion that I see in other people for doing what they love. I want to be in a position where I can do what I love and not worry if it makes money. I suppose that is what everyone wants. I guess I am not finished stressing about any of this, but I have just added more stress on top of it. And, as always, I have shoved it all down so I don’t have to deal with it. I suppose one day I will explode. Then I will really look like a puddle of yuck by the side of the road.

*

I am struggling right now with being a Christian and not liking my pastor. I feel sort of shallow for disliking him, because he hasn’t really done anything wrong. He just doesn’t wrestle with the text in an intellectual way. He processes it emotionally and thinks it is okay to stop there. I want a pastor who stresses himself or herself out over a reading of Scripture that s/he can live with, not who moves solely by emotion to interpret it. I want exegesis and hermeneautics. You know, intellectual wrangling, cultural application, and faithful interpretations. I don’t want Muppet videos, funny voices, and jumping up and down. I can get excited about a life-changing, hierarchy-smashing ethic without fireworks. If God’s word doesn’t have the power to change and shape my heart and my mind, no amount of emotion is going to either.

Does this mean I am above emotional response to Scripture? By no means. I simply mean that I don’t think hearts are changed through emotive blasts of performance, but they are changed by the Truth of the words spoken. If the words spoken contain few Truths, it doesn’t matter how excitedly they are spoken. If the words are empty, they bang hollow off the back wall of the church and resound slowly around the room. Their hollowness is not masked by their magnitude or frequency. They are still just words.

So, please give me solid spiritual food. I am finished with the milk. Or am I? Maybe this is my problem: I am not finished with the milk. I am still trying to figure out whether I follow Paul or Apollos. As Paul writes:

Brothers and sisters, I could not address you as spiritual but as worldly—mere infants in Christ. I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere human beings? For when one says, “I follow Paul,” and another, “I follow Apollos,” are you not mere human beings?

Is this my problem? Am I still so worried about the human I follow that I deserve to still drink milk? Maybe, my goal in addressing this problem should be changing my own attitude about it, rather than expecting some type of external change. After all, it makes Bec happy to help lead worship, so I guess I should try to change my own heart before bailing out. I should change my heart to follow Jesus rather than being so needy and leaning on a man who is merely God’s servant. I am sure he is trying to do what he thinks is best. I am sure there those who didn’t like Paul, Peter, Apollos, James or any of the other apostles or early teachers of Christianity, but their dislike for their human leaders did not dissuade them from being part of the Church.

*

At times like these, I am especially grateful for my relatively new athletic endeavors.

Swimming is going well. Last night, I swam 1000 yards in under twenty minutes, which isn’t bad for me. I was going to time myself on a mile, but I didn’t have much time to swim because I had to get a ride from Bec. I didn’t ride my bike yesterday because my bag was too heavy, and I didn’t want to walk home in the dark. Still, I swam 1600 yards in about 35 minutes. That should count for something.

Running is going okay. I ran five and a half miles yesterday, and I am scheduled to run the same tomorrow morning. After I ran yesterday, my feet felt like I had been hitting the bottoms of them with a hammer. I need new shoes, so I will go get those since I finally got paid. I hope they have a pair of the same ones I got last time. If they do, I will just buy them so I don’t have to try on a bunch of new ones. I could really use new trail shoes, too, but I only have enough money for one pair.

On Sunday, I am going to run with Adam. We are going to run the five miles that we will run together in a race on November 1. Apparently, the race is grueling and Adam wants me to run the trails before race day. Either way, I am running it. I may come in last, but I will finish. If I have to walk, I will finish. The race and practice run should be good times. And good stress release.I am surprised I don’t run more, fueled by my stress.

4 Comments

Posted in Grace, Just for Fun, Religion, Running, School, Swimming