A Rainy Day in Sunnyville

Certainly the rain can stop now. For the second time this week the White River is up. Earlier in the week it crested at 11’3″ above its normal depth, and there is debris all over the roads, in the grass on the banks, and in people’s yards along the river. In several places there are logs that are bigger around than I am just sitting along the shoreline, looking like they were set down there like lumber intended for construction. We even saw the frame of what looked like someone’s barn, shed, or house right next to the dam. Maybe it was the frame for a piece of wooden artwork, because it looked, as Bec put it, “a little cobbled together” to be part of someone’s house. When the water runs up over the banks so forcefully, it tears up the roads and in general makes everything look a little less put together with big chunks of asphalt misplaced and large piles of rocks eroded into newly ordered river beds. The rain fell for two days the first time with heavy winds and lightening and thunder, then we had two days of unbearable, muggy heat. Now, the rain has lasted for two more days, a tree down the road was struck by lightening and fell across the Greenway, but the sun is peeking through the clouds and promising a dry evening with another potentially glorious sunset.

Last night’s sunset was an amazing mix of orange and purple. I mean, it was really orange and purple, not the usual pale sherbet of Indiana, but it was deep and robust and filled my eyes like the lentils and rice I had eaten earlier filled my belly. I was satiated. My friend, Sarah, who I rarely get to spend any long amount of time with, pointed out to me the beauty of sky, and reminded me that the sunsets here are usually so much more muted than this one was. She was here for the evening, and we were walking the dogs in the cool of the evening, between two downpours. Sometimes nothing is better than food, a good friend, a couple of beers, and a nice quiet walk with beasties. Strange that Sarah and I can be fine with not seeing each other or talking, but I love that we can be relaxed and peaceful when we do see each other. Few people effect me the way she does. I can be quiet in her presence, or I can be silly and loud. I can be serious and contemplative, or I can be out right ludicrous. I can be smart, but I don’t feel bad being dumb. I can just be. I hope that I have friends that feel that way with me. I am working at being that friend.

EDIT:
Stuff from my other, old, defunct blog. I finally got my bicycle back from the shop and they did a fantastic job on her. Poor Wrex is almost 15 years old, but now she looks like a spring chicken. I got everything on her fixed up, tuned up, and ready to go for the summer. After Bec and I walked the dogs this morning, we went for a ride. The three of us, Sarah, Bec, and I rode 11 miles, which isn’t too far, but since it was my first ride of the season, it was enough. She rides like a new bike, and her new shifter works well. I don’t remember when she was well tuned!

Last night Bec made lentils and rice. After drinking a few beers. They were the most spectacular batch she has ever made, with tons of cumin and curry, but a little too much salt. I don’t mind salt, but I almost never eat it, so I can taste even the smallest amounts in things. The rest of the taste was magnificent: spicy, layered, and a building heat. I felt so healthy yesterday because I had fruit for breakfast, Pad Thai for lunch, and lentils and rice for dinner. But, I undid all that today. Sarah, Elizabeth, and I had the Fat Cats Writing Group and we ate lots of stuff. Beginning with the Guinness at 11:30 and ending with coffee and cookies at 2:30, we ate chips and salsa, more cookies, carrots and tomatoes, feta cheese, and olives in between. Of course, I didn’t eat all of the stuff offered, but I ate more than my fair share. Then, when I got home, I ate more! Banana bread with raisins, a Hobgoblin Dark English Ale, and broccoli slaw with blueberries and balsamic vinaigrette. I am sure that I have had my share of sodium and calories for the day. I justify it by the exercise I did, which is really no justification.

My friend Daniel passed his comprehensive and oral exams, so I made him a cake. Abbie would be proud because I made a vegan cake and vegan icing, and it didn’t taste like crap. It also didn’t look too bad! Apparently, he liked it so well after dinner last night that he ate half of what was left for breakfast this morning! Good to know. The Debbie Mix World War II vegan cake is a hit!

Fat Kids, Too

Fecundity of Fat

I would love to be one of the fat people who can honestly say that I like being fat, that I think fat is beautiful, and that I don’t wish at least once everyday to wake up the next day in a skinny, buff, butch body. I think maybe I can imagine myself thin. Maybe part of my angst comes from my former athleticism. I played softball for ten years and was a competitive swimmer for at least six, but when I went to college, I somehow let all that go in exchange for fast-food, beer, and smoking with some occasional recreational drugs mixed in. I am not blaming my current level of fatness on those poor decisions because I have always been fat. I don’t have one elementary, middle, or high school, picture without a double chin. I have never been able to find clothes that fit well, and trying to find a prom dress was a fiasco. Since my freshman year of high school, I have never been smaller than a size sixteen, and usually, I hover around the size-twenty mark. Size, for me, is not the entire issue. More important to me is how I feel, what I can do, and how I look.

After letting myself go in college, I have tried in fits and starts to get back on track, to make myself healthy again. I don’t have grand and glorious fantasies that I will ever be a thin, little Granola wearing baggy cargos, a bandana, Tevas, and a sports bra while hiking in the desert, kayaking down the Colorado River, or bicycling across the country. Okay, maybe I do have those dreams, but I know they aren’t going to become reality. In reality, I am going to wake up everyday in this fat body. The little fat cells seem to breed and grow in direct proportion to my desire to have them suffer and die. In reality, putting away the skinny Granola fantasy, I need to do everything I can to make this fat body healthy. I suppose I could just try to be a fat Granola. On good days, I can recognize that my disappointment with my body is a cultural construction. If we didn’t have skinny models everywhere, the cultural standard for beauty wouldn’t remind us of pictures from those old Sally Struther’s Sponsor a Child commercials. Seriously, if you put a picture of Kate Moss next to a picture of a starving child, the only difference is the trace of white powder around Kate’s nostrils. So, I know that my reality is ensconced in fat, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it, right? I feel torn. Torn between the fat woman I am, and the skinny little bitch that hides inside, jesting me and thwarting all my plans of reconciling myself with my fat body.

Right now, I am the fattest I have ever been. I weigh 240 pounds, and I feel like I can’t do a lot of the things I love to do. I don’t fit comfortable in airplane seats, movie theater seats, roller coasters, or folding chairs. I can never find clothes that fit, because aside from being a big woman, I also have a very small bust, so shirts never fit. Particularly dress-clothes are difficult to fit. I hate feeling like I need to shrink (or grow bigger breasts) to fit into the world. Possibly my anger and my discomfort are encouraged by the fact that I do everything that doctors insist fat people should do. Let me make a periphrastic comment here: I do not think that obesity is a disease, nor do I think that fat people are more prone to disease. I do believe that many diseases are caused by lifestyle choices, some of which are the same lifestyle choices that make some people fat. That said, my lifestyle is not sedentary. I exercise everyday. I eat healthy foods in actual portion sizes. I am a vegan; I try to actually balance my food intake, and I hate fried foods. I wonder everyday why I am still fat.

Quite a bit of my general well-being relies on my ability to do things. I suppose doing is somehow an extension of how I feel. Several times I have tried to start running, walking, biking, swimming, or, in general, exercising, because I need to do something. I need the movement, the pleasure of the endorphin rush.

Weird the Way It Works Out

Bec finally heard back from her friend, Pam. She emailed her in January I think, and she heard back from her yesterday. It was a nice long email, and it made me think about how interestingly life works out. My friends, Sarah and Elizabeth, and I just started workshopping some creative writing this past Saturday, which was incredibly fun and productive. We were talking about trying to publish some things—in addition to our Fat Chapbook—and how challenging it is to get creative stuff published right now. It’s hard to get anything published right now! Funny thing, Pam is the editor for some type of creative writing journal in Washington, and she asked Bec if she had anything to send out to try to publish. Long story short: I think I am going to get the website from Bec, and see if Sarah, Elizabeth, and I can send some stuff to her journal! Fantastic!

Secondly, my friend and now officemate, Rachel, and I are supposed to go to Fishers today to pick up a chaise lounge for our office, but we are having difficulty locating a truck that it will fit in or that we can borrow. I hope it works out, because this chaise is the perfect addition to our already amazing office space. We both thought it would make the office a bit more homey and comfortable for our students.

Aside from these two things, I really have nothing interesting to say.

Puppy X Update

We have some neighbors who have five or six little yippy dogs, and they saw us out walking last night. Of course they had to come meet the puppies, so I told the woman we were looking for a home for Puppy X. Tonight when we were walking the dogs, she and this blond girl came walking out of the house. Well, apparently their daughter (the blond) lives alone with her dachshund and was looking for a bigger dog to have as well. The girl used to be a groomer at PetSmart, and she was incredibly excited to get a pit bull. So, without further ado, Puppy X has a home!

Puppy X Needs a Home

Here is the little guy. Sorry the picture isn’t very good. I took it with the cell phone instead of the digital camera, because he kept licking the camera and getting the lens wet. He is quite gentlemanly and sort of an old man trapped in a puppy body, though he has lots of energy. He will make a good pet, so if you have a friend that wants a dog, let me know.