Reason Breeds Insanity

writing:

fat studies
PCM
syllabus and schedule
compassion letters
CNF

reading:
The Rainbow
Faerie Queen
The Waves
whatever else for class….

By the time Jesus was 33 years old, he saved the world. When he was thirty-three, he died. But he couldn’t just leave it at that, he had to come back from the dead, too. I mean I could die, but it wouldn’t save the world or create a new religion. And I certainly couldn’t come back from Death!

What have I done in my thirty-three years? I have attended approximately twenty-seven years of school, written over three hundred papers, taken around 70 finals, and produced some really bad poetry and some fairly decent creative nonfiction. I mean if I think about it, I have achieved quite a bit, but it seems a little pale in comparison. So I have Jesus envy. What of it?

I must say that I enjoy school, and I enjoy learning, but I am ready to be finished. I am ready to teach, and I am ready to research the things I enjoy.

Right now, I’m pretty excited because three of my friends and I got accepted to do a panel at a conference (PCA) in San Francisco. We are talking about fat. Yes, interestingly, there is a whole group of scholars, fat studies scholars, who study the way fat people are portrayed in literary texts, popular culture, and art. My part of the panel is about the TLC show “Inside Brookhaven Obesity Clinic,” and I am discussing the rhetoric of disease and how fat people are fetishized via the television camera.

This school year has been busy for me because I have already presented twice. Jim and I presented our presentation about gay and lesbian students in college classrooms to the BSU English Faculty, and I read a piece of creative nonfiction at our graduate creative writing conference, Penscape. Finally, next semester, we are going to PCA, and Jim I are taking our presentation on the road. We have been asked by his alma mater to present to their English faculty. I submitted to PCM (our local graduate conference), but I don’t know if I got in or not.

This school year is busy for me, but I think I am finally able to say that I am doing what I love, and writing about the subjects I love. I only wish I could find a way to include more of a Christian aspect in my papers for class. I think my faith is so close me in ways that other subjects are not, that I have a difficult time writing about it. I want that aspect of theology to be present in my writing, but it is difficult to get it to come through. I think I may see about taking a class long-distance from another university about theology and literature. I know they are out there, but they are so challenging to find. I need that aspect of me to be whole and intact, and I think that is frequently why I feel so detached from my faith—I separate myself from it while I am writing. I can always recognize Biblical language, Biblical concepts, and Christian theology in texts, but I think I may shy away from reading texts that way because I will have to defend my faith. Surely, I will learn a way to talk about Christianity in a way that distances it from my personal faith, and is simply intellectual. I don’t know. Today’s my day off. Dammit…

Sick, I know, I rejoiced yesterday because I finished seven pages of one paper. I can write all day here, and I can write forever if it is for some sort of creative outlet, but put me in front of a blank screen to write an academic paper, and I freeze. I don’t understand it. Today, I am at church waiting for it to begin. I am again at a restless place in my faith. I swear sometimes I wish it was easy. I wish that I could just follow along like a good little sheep and not question, not doubt. I feel like as I age I cycle faster than I ever did before. When I was younger my cycle would be years, and now it seems like they are days. I have often thought I should maybe go see a shrink, but I don’t have money. I go from being almost manic to sleeping twelve or thirteen hours. For example, last Sunday, Monday and Tuesday nighs, I slept for about three hours each night. I was fine, I wasn’t tired or anything. Then for a few days I slept normally, then last night by 9PM I was exhausted and then slept until 730AM. I’m a mess, I think. I would go to BSU Psych Services, but you only get six free sessions. After that, you either pay or you get no more service. I don’t know about you, but if I am going to pay for psych treatments, I’m not going to someone who has less of an education than I do. Our psych services are staffed by people working on master’s and doctoral degrees in psych. That would be like going to Andy or Tim for psychological help. Weird. I mean the PhD students are okay, but if I were going to a master’s students I might as well just call Andy or Tim! Oh, well, with a few beers, it doesn’t matter how screwy I feel, then I feel fine!
After church today we are going to see David’s play: Waiting for Godot. I hope it is good. I am pretty excited to see the little shit, since he hasn’t been home forever! When we get home from that, I go to the library until my paper is finished. Yippee! Looking forward to it. Let’s see what happens at church today…

I am so glad that this semester is almost over. I think I could almost pee my pants. I have two twenty-page papers to write and then I will be finished until January 9th, when I take Renaissance, African American, and Modernism. I will also be teaching two classes of ENG 104, which should be good. I am trying to get my website all setup and ready to go, and to finalize my syllabus before then, so I can have smooth sailing. I think I can do it, but I may be sorry for taking too many classes. I am going to try to read some of the stuff over the break so that I can be a bit ahead, and so that I can focus more on teaching. I have three things I want to accomplish over break: fat studies paper, PCM paper, book review for Bob’s class. I also want to read at least one if not two books for each class. I think I can do it! I just want to get finished so I can teach literature. Really I want to finish because I am getting too old to do this staying up all night writing thing. I hope that when I am working, I will budget my time a little better. We’ll see. I really have no point for writing this except procrastinating, so I should go read. I am hoping to Lauren’s paper done tomorrow, and Huff’s paper done Sunday. Then I will actually have time to proofread both of them- Lauren’s Monday, Huff’s Tuesday. I also have to narrow down to conference papers for both of them as well. I may explode before Tuesday.