Reason Breeds Insanity

I am one semester closer to being called doctor. 🙂 Scary isn’t it.

It is hard to believe that one more semester has come and gone. I wasn’t sure that I was going to make it through, but then I never am quite sure. This semester seemed really hard for lots of people, and I am not sure why that was. It seemed more fraught with drama, more filled with angst, and definitely more constipated with congestion. I am glad it is over, honestly, and I am actually ready for the next semester to start. I have quite a few things to finish before it does, but I am trying to take some kind of break for this week and next. I will squeeze what I need to get done into the last week before classes start. The most important part of what I need to do is to finish my syllabus, schedule, and assignment sheets for my 104 classes, and I need to read at least two books for each class, so I can get a little ahead.

I am looking forward to Christmas. I am looking forward to being with friends and family and I am pretty excited that Becky’s boys will be here along with girlfriends. Thy leave by Christmas Eve, but it has been fun to decorate this year. I am sure that we will have a great time drinking beers and playing trivial pursuit. There is nothing better than drunken trivial pursuit. I hope Adam comes to join us.

Now on to anticipating the Messiah and making Christmas gifts. But first, I have to say this has been the most stress free Christmas ever, because my family decided to make gifts and not buy gifts. I haven’t had one panic attack over a gift this year!

writing:

fat studies
PCM
syllabus and schedule
compassion letters
CNF

reading:
The Rainbow
Faerie Queen
The Waves
whatever else for class….

By the time Jesus was 33 years old, he saved the world. When he was thirty-three, he died. But he couldn’t just leave it at that, he had to come back from the dead, too. I mean I could die, but it wouldn’t save the world or create a new religion. And I certainly couldn’t come back from Death!

What have I done in my thirty-three years? I have attended approximately twenty-seven years of school, written over three hundred papers, taken around 70 finals, and produced some really bad poetry and some fairly decent creative nonfiction. I mean if I think about it, I have achieved quite a bit, but it seems a little pale in comparison. So I have Jesus envy. What of it?

I must say that I enjoy school, and I enjoy learning, but I am ready to be finished. I am ready to teach, and I am ready to research the things I enjoy.

Right now, I’m pretty excited because three of my friends and I got accepted to do a panel at a conference (PCA) in San Francisco. We are talking about fat. Yes, interestingly, there is a whole group of scholars, fat studies scholars, who study the way fat people are portrayed in literary texts, popular culture, and art. My part of the panel is about the TLC show “Inside Brookhaven Obesity Clinic,” and I am discussing the rhetoric of disease and how fat people are fetishized via the television camera.

This school year has been busy for me because I have already presented twice. Jim and I presented our presentation about gay and lesbian students in college classrooms to the BSU English Faculty, and I read a piece of creative nonfiction at our graduate creative writing conference, Penscape. Finally, next semester, we are going to PCA, and Jim I are taking our presentation on the road. We have been asked by his alma mater to present to their English faculty. I submitted to PCM (our local graduate conference), but I don’t know if I got in or not.

This school year is busy for me, but I think I am finally able to say that I am doing what I love, and writing about the subjects I love. I only wish I could find a way to include more of a Christian aspect in my papers for class. I think my faith is so close me in ways that other subjects are not, that I have a difficult time writing about it. I want that aspect of theology to be present in my writing, but it is difficult to get it to come through. I think I may see about taking a class long-distance from another university about theology and literature. I know they are out there, but they are so challenging to find. I need that aspect of me to be whole and intact, and I think that is frequently why I feel so detached from my faith—I separate myself from it while I am writing. I can always recognize Biblical language, Biblical concepts, and Christian theology in texts, but I think I may shy away from reading texts that way because I will have to defend my faith. Surely, I will learn a way to talk about Christianity in a way that distances it from my personal faith, and is simply intellectual. I don’t know. Today’s my day off. Dammit…

Sick, I know, I rejoiced yesterday because I finished seven pages of one paper. I can write all day here, and I can write forever if it is for some sort of creative outlet, but put me in front of a blank screen to write an academic paper, and I freeze. I don’t understand it. Today, I am at church waiting for it to begin. I am again at a restless place in my faith. I swear sometimes I wish it was easy. I wish that I could just follow along like a good little sheep and not question, not doubt. I feel like as I age I cycle faster than I ever did before. When I was younger my cycle would be years, and now it seems like they are days. I have often thought I should maybe go see a shrink, but I don’t have money. I go from being almost manic to sleeping twelve or thirteen hours. For example, last Sunday, Monday and Tuesday nighs, I slept for about three hours each night. I was fine, I wasn’t tired or anything. Then for a few days I slept normally, then last night by 9PM I was exhausted and then slept until 730AM. I’m a mess, I think. I would go to BSU Psych Services, but you only get six free sessions. After that, you either pay or you get no more service. I don’t know about you, but if I am going to pay for psych treatments, I’m not going to someone who has less of an education than I do. Our psych services are staffed by people working on master’s and doctoral degrees in psych. That would be like going to Andy or Tim for psychological help. Weird. I mean the PhD students are okay, but if I were going to a master’s students I might as well just call Andy or Tim! Oh, well, with a few beers, it doesn’t matter how screwy I feel, then I feel fine!
After church today we are going to see David’s play: Waiting for Godot. I hope it is good. I am pretty excited to see the little shit, since he hasn’t been home forever! When we get home from that, I go to the library until my paper is finished. Yippee! Looking forward to it. Let’s see what happens at church today…