Reason Breeds Insanity

What would happen if we all stopped evaluating each other and just loved each other? What would the world be like then? What if there was no drive or push to be the best? What if there wasn’t a coolest brand of anything? What if we all just had enough? What if we all did what we love? What if life were simple and not a game of guessing who your friends really are? What we were all content with ourselves? What if we were all in awe of a higher power who gave our lives meaning? What if everyday were like a sitcom where it all comes together at the end and everyone learns something every episode? What if every day smelled like a baby, that soft smell of their tender skin? What if we all looked each other in the eye and smiled and really said hello? What if everyone could read? What if we all had enough food? What if there were no pesticides? What if we all had shelter if we wanted it? What if I could understand how other people feel and where they come from? No really feel? What if? What if?

Do you have a what-if?

Well, Bec doesn’t know it yet, but I signed us up to run the mini-marathon in May. I figure I need some motivation to make it through the winter, and I’d like to pretend I am Forest Gump. I put that we’d be in the slowest group because I am slow as molasses, the Black Strap kind. I imagine that she will want to go faster, but I’ll meet her at the end.

I think Adam is doing it again. It will be a fun day.

Yesterday I went to find Sam to give him some cigarettes, and what I found was a group of people sitting around him getting high. I think if I was homeles, I’d want to get high, too, and I am glad that someone gave him some shit, but what interested me is that I started talking religion and politics with the most interesting man. We were talking about things from Muncie’s past, like the Mystic Groovies (a weird little shop that sold all sorts of crazy things-and a band, too), Repeat Performance (a used record store), and some other little shops, run by hippies, that aren’t here anymore. I wonder if he remember’s Dame Leo’s.

My point is: you never know when you are going to find someone who surprises you. Probably the most interesting topic in our two hour long discussion was that of Carlos Castaneda. We talked about him with respect to so many things, mostly that he was brilliant but common. We talked about energies, magic, shamanism, Jimi Hendrix, The Doors, and all sorts of amazing things. We even talked about religion and Jesus and being “Saved.” It made me feel like I was back in high school talking with Jaymes, Johnny, Chet, Merideth, and Rodney about life, drugs, love or sex, and happiness. Mostly, we talked about how the world tries to keep us from being happy. The main premise of capitalism is that we will never be satisfied with what we have; we will always have to go buy one more thing to make us happy. All we really need or really want, according to my new found friend is a vision quest that leads us toward our goal of self. I am not sure I buy it, but it makes life much simpler. He was probably one of the most relaxed, at ease people I have ever met. I have nothing else, but to say that I am reaching that place, the one where I don’t care what other people have, where I want to seek for the greater good, where I don’t care about keeping up with the Joneses, and where I am content to be.

We don’t always have to be productive. Sometimes doing things just to do them is an excellent feeling—and excellent feeling that feels better a little fucked up, no doubt. Productivity be damned!

I think it is pretty amazing that a 31 yeard old plays on BSU’s football team. Who knew?!

I am struggling with it right now.

I have nothing to say but so much to say.

The body and Victorian literature, teaching composition, Looking Back in Anger, what do these things do to better the world? Am I just here to pay the bills? Am I here to learn enough to know that I know nothing?

Life is weird. That is not a new sentiment. I am worn out. I am worn out from walking uphill. It seems as if everything is an uphill shove. I feel like I am pushing big rocks up a never-ending incline. Once I get to the top will the rock roll back down over me a squish me?

Today I had lunch with a girl who used to be in my youth group. I used to be so in touch with her, I knew her intimately, and we trusted each other. I felt like I didn’t even know her today. I felt as if I could have been talking to anyone across the table. I loved hearing about her trip, but I couldn’t engage. There were so many questions I should have asked: how did that shape your faith, how did you feel while you were there, what did you learn, how are you using that in your faith journey? But instead I just listened and wondered how in two years did I get so disconnected from someone who previously meant so much in my life?

I also had the opportunity to talk with an old friend, and it made me realize that I missed him and all of the other adults I worked with for those years. I had forgotten the deep conversations and the deep love honed through the stressful moments and the days filled with joy. Do I want to go back to those days? No! Do I look back to those five years with a sense of fondness? Yes. For as with all moments in our lives, we wouldn’t be who we are without them. I guess sometimes I just wish that I could actually be around once to see the fruits of my labor grow into trees. It isn’t that I think I am prophetic in the least, I simply wish that once someone would give my ideas the benefit of the doubt and try them while they are still new and innovative!

I watched an interesting movie the other. It was called Driving Lessons and the lead actor was Rupert Grint, Ron Weasley in the Harry Potter movies. The movie was about masks, facades, and the way we try so hard to live our lives to please others. It was good, and it has made me think more about my life than most movies I’ve seen recently. My favorite aspect of it is that Ben ends up being friend with Evie, an old, has-been of an actress. Even though their friendship is totally strange, it is beautiful and held together by an appreciation for arts, poetry, and quirkiness. Good flick.

I guess I just think about things too much sometimes.