ISTEP+

Today my students are taking the ISTEP+. I have a really hard time finding value in tests like these. My students have read, understood, interacted with, and reflected on texts that are so much more meaningful than those provided by the state for the purposes of the testing. My only hope is that they don’t get flustered. Every day before we take the test, I remind them what my mom used to tell me. “All I ask is that you do your best. I can’t ask any more of you than your best, and I certainly don’t expect any less.”

I think my problem is that these tests serve one purpose and one purpose only, which is to rank students on an artificial scale. They are, in my opinion, a means to a capitalist end, as are grades. If we rank and file students, then it makes them easier to control as adults. We can begin, at an early age, to sort them into who they will become.We determine through these tests who will succeed and who will fail. Though we claim that they do otherwise, they do not. They do not access how well the students have mastered what they have taught, they simply measure whose parents have shown interest in them throughout the school year, whose home lives are relatively stable, and whose creativity and ability to be intellectually curious has been sucked from them to the highest degree. They don’t want you to be creative. They want you to be drones.

Imagine an educational system in which students’ levels of ability determined what section of each subject they would attend, instead of their ages or grade levels. Imagine if students were encouraged at whatever level they function at, instead of constantly being forced to attain a level beyond their capabilities or below their capabilities, in some respects. Imagine a school in which a student’s age did not determine your curriculum, but his intelligence and interest level did. Imagine graduating student who had for all the years of school been asked to do their best because teachers cannot possibly accept less nor require more. What would this world look like if we leveled the very first playing field, education? There is plenty of time to be sorted out into the haves and have-nots throughout adulthood, but I think if we re-imagined education, we’d eventually close that gap.Of course, it might mean graduating students at the age of thirteen or fourteen if they’re intellecutally capable. Are we ready for that? No.

Because we’d no longer be in such drastic and marked competition with each other, we’d also place equal value on people who work in the service sector, recognizing that their abilities are just as necessary for our culture to function. A custodian who cleans the hospital, a housekeeper who does the laundry, and the nurse who creates the sterile environment, are just as important in a successful surgery as the surgeon who performs the task and gets the glory. Without the hierarchical form of education we now deem necessary, the surgeon may recognize at an early age that his success depends upon the success of his classmates.

There may also be an increase in students who don’t feel the pressure of going to college, who will choose to live a different lifestyle by taking a minimum-wage job and living frugally. Right now education is on a strange teleological path that ends with the heaven of the ivory tower, but what if we taught our students that there is more to life than being financially stable, owning multiple cars, a big house, and a summer cottage? What would happen then? What our students realized they didn’t have to buy into the nonsense that is the US capitalist economy? We just might end up with a few more geniuses.

Barefoot Running

One thing about barefoot running that I will never understand is the way people act like it’s a new concept. I left school the other day to go on my standard 3-mile run. Typically, I wear running shoes, but since I’ve been running barefoot (and loving it) I left the shoes up in my classroom. It was raining just a bit—probably why I got blisters, but if felt so right—and I swear you wouldn’t believe the looks I got! One woman even stopped her car, got out, and started talking to me about it. Thankfully she was positive, but some others weren’t. I have gone barefoot most of my life, including a good chunk of college where I didn’t wear shoes unless there was snow or it was below freezing. I guess I just don’t think of going barefoot as being so revolutionary, but I always have loved Zola Budd. Even when she and Mary Decker had their little tiff, I always loved Zola. Her bare feet were scandalous. 🙂 I love the feeling being barefoot gives me. And I love the low-cost footwear!

Trying to Decide about Defenses and Forgiveness

I am trying to decide if my coping mechanism is beneficial or detrimental. I cope with adversity by trying to circumvent it with positivity, which I know can be a positive attribute sometimes, but at other times it makes my head feel like it might explode. I try very hard to be the voice of reason and grace around other people, but I find that I get home at night and realize that I spent the whole day, and too much energy, trying to help other people see the positive sides of people, situations, and events. This frequently leaves me exhausted. Today was one of those days. I am tired.

I don’t think I bury my head in the sand about difficult issues, but my parents always told me two things that shape how I try to react. (Here I say try to remind you, dear reader, that I by no means succeed at this lifestyle every day. I am far too self-reflective to think I am a perfectly amiable Pollyanna. In fact, this is far from the truth.) First they told me: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” And they told me: “You have to choose your battles carefully.” I suppose there are really three things that apply to this situation, because my parents also told me that “you can be part of the problem or part of the solution, so make up your mind to be part of the solution.” This takes energy and finesse, but I don’t remember my parents ever telling me about that part of the equation. I think they knew I’d figure it out for myself.

On a similar note, I can’t imagine being one of those people who is always angry at everyone and everything, but I imagine it’s somewhat freeing on one regard. If you don’t care about people, then you don’t care how situations are resolved. In another regard, I think it must be incredibly oppressive to always be beholden to anger. And, anger can eat somebody up. I’ve watch it consume several of my friends, belch, wipe it’s mouth, and then say, “Good eats.”

I thought about this as my students were watching Forgiving Dr. Mengele. In the movie, Eva Kor offers amnesty to all Nazis, forgiving them for their role in Hitler’s regime. She does it so that she can sleep at night. She does it because she says that forgiveness gives her a clear conscience. She does it in order to live freely. I told my students that part of the importance of offering forgiveness is that it releases a person from another person’s further control. If someone can forgive another’s wrongs against her, she ends up being the one who is more free because she doesn’t have to continue to suffer through the oppression of the other person’s anger. She, in essence, subverts the power dynamic and regain control of her own emotions. She’s no longer hi-jacked by someone else’s behavior. I think it’s a fair exchange for giving someone grace.

I had the opportunity to practice this today, and I failed. Someone stole an idea of mine, and then passed it off as her own. Instead of just letting it go, I vented about it to someone else, not even to the person who did it. It was a pretty cowardly move. Hopefully, the people involved will give me grace. And, hopefully, I learn from this mistake.

Merideth’s Cute Kid

Yesterday Merideth texted me a picture of Tillie. She said, “She is huge now, as you can see. She has a drinking problem.” Bwah, hah, hah! I think Mer and I share the same deranged brain! Anyway, here is the kid who says, “I’m so chubby.”

She obviously has a ton of hair, too.

Gauges. Buddhism. Holy Friday. Running.

As I put on my headphones and feel the little puckered holes in my earlobes, I realize I still haven’t put my plugs back into my ears. In a mirror, the holes look like the mouths of hungry children, opening for food. They are rounded, soft, and raw, but almost quiver at the thought of being refilled, as if they’ll burst at too much food. I touch the little mouths again and send up a quick prayer for those same children who have no food, and I think about the large discrepancy between their hunger for food and my comparing my piercings to their pain. It’s a bad metaphor, but I keep it. Then I contemplate how I will manage to get my 1/2″ gauges back through the tight lobes that have returned, over the past three days, to smaller openings. This struggle is waged every other month or so when I take the plugs out of my ears to give them some breathing room. Inevitably, I forget to put them back in, in a timely fashion. Then, when I put them back in, my lobes are sore for a couple of days. As the pain subsides, I forget about the mouths and their hunger. I turn away from thinking about suffering. I move forward, leaving concern behind.

*

Today is Earth Day. Starbucks is giving away free drip coffee if you bring in your own mug. It’s nice.

*

During Lent, I have nearly read four books about spirituality. Along with almost daily readings in the Bible, I have completed The Joy of Living (Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche) and An Altar in the World (Barbara Brown Taylor), and I am halfway through Rebel Buddha (Dzogchen Ponlop) and Love Wins (Rob Bell). Reading these four books together, has made me more of a heretic than I already was before Lent. I’m not a dense person, but I just don’t see how Buddhism and Christianity are incompatible teachings, as so many of my more conservative friends seem to need to persuade me to think. I suppose if you adhere in a fundamentalist fashion to either spirituality, you’d not be able to reconcile them. However, if you look past the literal, the overarching message of the two spiritualities is one of love and compassion, in which the believers, celebrants seek to leave a lasting impact of positivity and non-suffering on our world. I have a hard time seeing how these two do not work together. Prayer bleeds into meditation, daily professions faith bleeds into daily practice of compassion, enlightenment bleeds into sanctification, and the eightfold path bleeds into the Sermon on the Mount and the two most important commandments. I think both religions would agree that you should increase love and compassion, while decreasing worldly attachments. I feel no conviction that they are not compatible, as hard as some of my friends try.

*

Today is also Holy Friday. I am not going to church. Instead, I am going to watch the youngest pseudo-stepchild perform in the play, King Lear. I am immersed in Shakespeare. First, my students have been reading Romeo and Juliet and Midsummer Night’s Dream. And now King Leer. This is an excellent way for me to celebrate Holy Friday. I need something to take my mind off of the fact that Jesus is dying today. Sometimes I get so bogged down in the holy mysteries, I can’t see outside them into the beauty of the world. And, I suppose that is how it should go. At this point in the Christian calendar, I should be consumed by grief, and I should be contemplative about the fact that in whatever way, I did this to Jesus. It’s good, though, that we will be taking in a show instead of participating in a Good Friday service. I need the distraction. I need make believe.

*

May 7 is the Indy-Mini. Am I ready? No. Absolutely not. I think I may just run the first six miles and then leisurely walk the last seven. We’ll see.