Where Does the Time Go?

At the risk of sounding like a little old lady, I find myself wondering, sometimes aloud, where the time has gone. And here she crops up again when I say, it seems like just yesterday when I started teaching here at Burris, and now the school year has about two months left. A little less than two months. The time has simply flown past.

In a fashion true to myself, I have already begun planning in my head for next year. I know that grammar is going to be a once a week activity, probably Mondays, and then everything we write that week will incorporate that grammatical lesson. I know that I am going to choose two novels for each grade level, one memoir, which the students will choose from a list I will provide, and one straight up nonfiction book. There will also be a poetry unit and a comic unit. That’s six long units in which we will address different questions, different levels of thinking, and different styles of writing. This should make for a more cohesive school year and more beneficial writing/reading connections.

On a personal level, I feel as if my life right now is the most settled it’s been since maybe early high school. I feel calm and at a strange peace. I have many things I want, but I know this life is fleeting, and there are so many more important things than my personal desires or creature comforts. I think this Lent I’ve had a chance to reflect on not only food, but also my spiritual journey. I need to make it right between God and myself and other creatures. It’s not a personal relationship.

It’s not a waterfall of honey as we sang like a bunch of lemmings in church a couple of Sundays ago. Well, I say we loosely. I couldn’t sing it all because I kept thinking, “Dip me in honey and throw me to the lesbians,” and I probably shouldn’t sing that to Jesus. So, everyone else sang about how Jesus love is like a waterfall of honey, which aside from sounding very sexual also doesn’t sound very appealing. It’d be a bit too sticky for my liking.

But, it’s not about that. It’s about how this whole big world connects. It’s about you and me and how we have that same eternal God part. It’s about us looking into each other and seeing each other and recognizing that divine presence in all creatures. God made all of us, and we need to recognize that intrinsic worth in each other. No matter what that other person has done. No matter who that other person is. No matter. We are all part of that same incredible creation.

I recognize the way I am interconnected with all creatures when I run. The route I run the most travels along the White River, bending and weaving as the river does. Along the path, there are inevitably some ducks and geese milling about quacking and honking. Sometimes the geese hiss and spread their wings, but I talk sweetly to them and explain to them that I love animals so much I don’t eat them or exploit them. Because the geese are relatively tame, though I like to think it has something to do with my reasoning with them, they back away and bob on down to the river. My day is always made better by my interactions with these animals in much the same way that it is also made better by sharing my life with my dogs and my cats. I can get so mad at Celie for being rambunctious,  but she just smiles and licks my hand or leg, as if to say, I know you aren’t really mad, are you?

Lent and Jealousy

Last Wednesday, I went to Ash Wednesday service for the first time in my life. I am not sure why I have never gone before. In fact, my not going makes no sense given the fact that my favorite Christian season is Lent. You would think I had attended every Ash Wednesday service my entire adult life, but until this year, I celebrated my own private death without going to church. That’s what Ash Wednesday is, after all, a celebration of our death to self and our acknowledgment that we are nothing without the power of Christ.

I usually spend Lent contemplative and questioning, but this year I decided to put my questioning on a back burner and to really focus on my relationship with Christ. Not questioning is the hardest part of this, not questioning and merely experiencing. In truth, that last sentence of the first paragraph brings to mind questions, and I had to focus on not entertaining whether people can be something without the power of Christ. Of course they can be, I see people all around me who aren’t Christian who run humanitarian/charitable circles around people I know to be Christian. But, I am trying to put that line of reasoning out of my head, at least for this Lenten season, by focusing on the way Christ is working in my life and the way I see him working in others.

In this way, the way of experience and trying to draw closer to God through the incarnated Christ, I am focusing on a few things for this 40-day period of reflection. So the disciplines I am practicing are focused on the incarnate and not so much on the spirit this time, though I am adding in some reading and meditation.

First, I am fasting in a way that I haven’t fasted since seminary. I am eating a smoothie in the morning, then drinking tea and water for the rest of the day. Before you panic, let me just say that the smoothie contains apple juice, strawberries, blueberries, a banana, aloe, hemp seeds, maple syrup, and wheat germ. In all, it probably contains about 500-700 calories. Certainly, that isn’t enough to live on for an extended period of time, but Lent is only 40 days long. The tea I am drinking is specially formulated to provide well-being while fasting, too. In order to keep up with my running, I may have to add in some more food, but we’ll see how this goes.

Second, I am trying to work on some of my jealousy issues. I have never in my life wanted a baby so badly as I do right now, and it doesn’t seem to help this urge that many people I know are either having or adopting children. I spent spring break in Florida visiting Merideth and her new daughter Tillie. I spent about an hour yesterday with Izzy. I spent a few minutes reading about David and Andrea’s new baby Ezra. I even allowed myself a few moments to look at pictures of the new daughter of one of our students. And I spent quite a bit of time dwelling on my intense jealousy for Abbie’s joy, Merideth’s joy, Andrea’s joy, and even a young mother’s joy. Don’t think for a minute that my jealousy comes at the expense of my recognition of their blessings. Of course, I am thrilled for their blessings, but I also realize that my window for motherhood is quickly dwindling. So, I am focusing on asking for wisdom in navigating both my desire for a child and to find a way to be at peace and to be filled with joy for these friends whose lives are so blessed.

Third, I am praying. Prayer is definitely not a gift of mine. I had friends in seminary who pray a blue streak and every word that came from their mouths was an exquisite utterance of truth and beauty. They could quote scripture while praying, speak hymns while praying, weep and laugh while praying, and weave together poetry with their words while praying. While I am not foolish enough to be envious of their ability to pray, I am foolish enough to believe that I, too, can learn to pray that way. Articulate and artistic.

Fourth, I am reading. I have been working on The Joy of Living and An Altar in the World for spiritual development. Even though they are from two different faith perspectives, the words harmonize so resoundingly with each other that I can feel their timbre resonating within my soul. And it is a beautiful, fulfilling, teaching melody. I have already learned that I need to be less attached to worldly things, but to find the beauty in those things.

Hopefully, the next 40 days will be an exercise in fruitfulness and anticipation for the events of Maundy Thursday, Holy Friday, and Easter Sunday. Come, Lord Jesus, bring your profound and powerful grace.

On the Way to Sebring

I left Muncie on Saturday morning at around 9:30 and drove through a torrential downpour until I arrived at around 7 PM in Kennasaw, Georgia. I stopped at a Starbucks and looked online for a hotel. I used Priceline for the first time and was pleasantly surprised to find an $80 hotel room for $40. And it was nice with its little kitchenette and powerful shower. The only bad things about it was being able to hear every car that passed on the water-logged road outside the hotel. There was a constant swishing sound that occasionally was accompanied by the engine breaking of large trucks as they descended the hill.

I slept well, but before I went to bed I ate some of the best Thai food I’ve ever had. Though I will never learn not to order things extra spicy when I eat at an Asian restaurant that doubles as someone’s house, I was able to sleep despite the nice burn that lingered in my acidic gut. I had Spicy Thai Vegetables with Tofu at Bangkok Cabin. They were hotter than hell, if I believed in hell, but so delicious. I tried to enjoy myself on the way down to Florida. I listened to the bible up through Ezra, to which a friend responded, “I don’t know if that makes me love you, or makes you insane.” Both. I also listened to Monster by Walter Dean Myers and tons of music. The last thing I really remember listening to was an excellent sermon by Alistair Begg about the authority of scripture; he encouraged his listeners and his congregants to always question and double-check what they hear from his pulpit. I heard it somewhere in northern Florida, which is appropriate since the stretch from Atlanta to Orlando has probably made some people lose their faith.

What I Would Do In Another Lifetime

I often spend time wondering or fantasizing about what I would do if I had another life to live. I waver between on the one hand really applying myself and being something great like a surgeon, or an artist, or some other brilliant and hardworking genius, and on the other hand I wouldn’t mind going a very different, non-traditional path like being a bike messenger, or a barista, or an intentional homeless wanderer. Any of these latter options sounds appealing because I wouldn’t be a part of the rat race. I wouldn’t be responsible for other people’s success. And I wouldn’t have had to go to college and try to make life-impacting choices at the age of 17. How the hell is a 17-year old supposed to know what she or he wants to for the rest of life? So before we are old enough and responsible enough to even join the military, let alone drink a beer, we are expected to decide who we will become and what our vocation will be. It makes zero sense. As for me, I love what I am doing, but I wish I could do a million other things.

I have also spent time considering a career as a long-haul trucker, but I am not sure that I could deal withe being away from Becs for that long at a time. I have a friend from high school who posted this as his status: “i’ve come to realize the only time i am truely happy when i’m not with my kids is when 18 wheels are singing their song as miles roll by.” I envy him for his freedom on the road. I want to hear the wheels sing on the road, and to feel the wind on my face as the miles tick by. This is probably why I prefer to ride my motorcycle or drive when I go on vacation. I love to watch the road pass by and know that I am headed somewhere. It doesn’t really matter if the road is leading me away from home or back. Either way, I know I am headed somewhere, instead of sitting still.

I don’t envy him the feeling of being sad when he’s away from his kids, as he’s posted in multiple other posts. But I do envy the fact that he has children. Multiple times in the past few weeks, I have found myself either dreaming or fantasizing about having children, or a child. I’d be a good mom, Bec has already been a good mom, and together we’d make excellent moms. Why can’t my health insurance pay for artificial insemination? Why can’t I just swallow my pride and use a turkey baster? I have multiple people who’d be willing donors if I could just pay for the service. I could adopt, but I can’t afford that either, which is way more criminal. There are so many kids who could use healthy and stable homes. Why does it have to cost so fucking much to get a child? Oh, well.

 

Obviously a Little Overwhelmed

I have been a bit overtaken by teaching and all the little blessings it brings. From committee meetings to unexpected answers on student school climate surveys, life has been a bit of a blur lately. I have not been in touch with myself for a couple of weeks, so I have had no desire to write here or anywhere else, except for those writings I have done along with my students. Now I find myself with a desire to write, but with a full plate of grading today. I am going to post a couple of snippets from some quick writes I’ve done with my students the past couple of weeks. They are by no means even close to being final products, nor do some of them even make any sense. Not my finest writing moments ever.

Here is a bit from an assignment I asked my English 10 students to write. They had to pretend they were the opposite gender and describe someone who was either famous or an adult that had influence in their lives. We’re reading My Antonia and the book is written by Willa Cather, a woman, from the perspective of the protagonist Jim Burden, a boy. Jim describes lots of folks, but many of the main, and even the supporting, characters are women. So here I am speaking from an adolescent boy’s point of view about his English teacher.

Everyday she teaches us something new, and I feel as if I am learning so much my brain will explode, but the things she teaches me sometimes don’t interest me in the least. We talk about feelings and stuff like that, and I don’t want to be any more in touch with my feelings than I already am. The other guys in my class already make fun of me, and call me a wimp or worse. I want to read stories about cars and sports and war, but all we ever get to read about is stuff like My Antonia with a girl working like a man, and I get all confused about gender and things like that.

I do love this teacher though. When my girlfriend got pregnant, she was the first person I told. She was warm and caring, helping us through the whole nine months until we decided to give our child up for adoption. When I failed math class and had to retake it, she found a tutor to help me so that I could graduate on time. Her kindness and her spirit show through her twinkling eyes and her rosy cheeks. She isn’t exceptionally beautiful or especially well-dressed, but the way she treats her students makes her particularly endearing.

Here is one from another writing assignment in the same class and from the same book. The task was to describe the earliest place you could remember living.

I woke up to the sound of roosters crowing every morning, and as I picked the sleep from my eyes I could smell whatever good things my mother was cooking for breakfast. Usually we had oatmeal and bacon. The oatmeal smelled maple and brown sugar sweet, and the bacon filled the air with salty goodness. Every morning I would look out my window to see if the ducks and chickens had run out into the road again, and I would slide my hand out from under the pillow to reach for whatever house pet might be nearby. Typically, there would be a dog or a cat sleeping right next to my bed waiting to lick my hand as it hung over the side of the bed.Occasionally, a car would pass by the house, or a big truck filled with trash on its way to the landfill. Once I got a little older and we had sheep and goats, the garbage men would honk the horn to see the sheep run across the pasture. To them it was a game, but as my little brother and I held the two legs on one side and my father held the other two of our prize breeding ram, we weren’t laughing. We were slowly and painstakingly carrying him to the woods to bury him. The horn honking had caused him to have a heart attack. He was heavy enough that it took all three of us to move his bloating body from one side of the pasture to the other.

And last but not least, the one from our writing club writing prompt. It’s about breakfast, which I love. The prompt was to defend one meal, which is the best, and should be the only, meal of the day. Um, hands down breakfast.

My favorite meal, hands down, is breakfast. Whenever I travel I like to find places that serve vegan breakfast, and then I go there and try everything I think I can fit in my belly. Before, when I wasn’t vegan, I would just pick any greasy-spoon diner and order a huge amount of food and eat as much of it as possible.

One of my favorite breakfasts was when I took Becky to Minneapolis to the Bad Waitress and we sat at the bar by the kitchen, watching the waitresses pick up the food and deliver it to tables. I love to watch the short order cooks line up the tickets and call out their orders to each other. The timing is impeccable and the atmosphere is calculated and busy. The Bad Waitress is a strange restaurant because the waitresses don’t do much except bring your food to the table, and at first I though that’s why it’s called the Bad Waitress, because the waitresses are substandard. Like a play on words, a joke about their abilities, but it’s called Bad Waitress as in the 1980s and 1990s version of bad, like good. In fact, more like awesome.

Calling the place bad (like good) is a mild overstatement, because the food is amazing, but the service is, well, half serve yourself. When you sit down at your table, the waitress gives you a tablet and a pencil. You mark your choices, write down any special orders or modifications, note your table character which is a female villain or cartoon, then take your order up to the cashier who rings you up, probably because it takes forever to get your food, and they want to make sure you’ve paid for it before they go making food for you while you leave half way through the middle. While you are at the register paying through the nose, a typical breakfast costs about $15 or $20, for the heavenly food that is about to pass through your gastrointestinal tract, they begin your drinks. You wait for them and take them back to your seat with you. Once you get back to your seat, the waitress bring you your food. See, there is no bad (as in good) in that waitress.

But the food is fantastic. The last time I was there, I had a breakfast sandwich with vegan breakfast sausage and spinach and salsa, I think. And the time before, when I was only vegetarian, I had a breakfast sandwich with the vegan sausage, cheese, and a hard fried egg. Becky had Eggs Benedict and she said it was some of the best Eggs Benedict she’d ever had. I don’t like saucy eggs and rich, creamy food, so I wouldn’t know a good Benedict from a bad one, but it looked fairly decent. They make all of their own bread and biscuits, and all of their produce and farm products come from local growers and farmers.

During that same trip, we went to another local favorite breakfast hangout, and I had an amazing set of pancakes that were covered with bananas, berries, honey, and almonds. I begged off the granola because Becky has a fatal peanut allergy and the granola had peanuts in it. Since I was sitting next to her in the booth, I didn’t think it would be very nice to order something that might kill her, and I didn’t want to deal with the excitement that her allergic reaction might bring. She and her sister Ann, who was with us this time around, both ordered omelets. The omelets were huge and filled with delicious looking vegetables and some, in my opinion, not so delicious looking meat. The food that caught my eye, however, was the oatmeal that the woman with the annoying child who was sitting next to us was eating. The bowl looked like a feeding trough and was just as full. Oats, layered with granola, topped with yogurt, under berries and bananas. I lusted after that oatmeal. My heart burned as it hadn’t in a long time. Over oatmeal.

So, you can plainly see I’ve been writing, just not here, not for you. I have all sorts of other things I’d love to say, but 46 short stories, 46 test over The Outsiders, five chapters of My Antonia, planning and creating two anonymous email lists so I can email parents, and 16 persuasive essays care calling my name. Let’s see how much of this I get done today.