On my way to Richmond to visit my grandchildren, I listened to an episode of Criminal, in which Phoebe Judge interviewed Sister Helen Prejean, who is one of the driving forces behind some of most strongly held beliefs and values. I admire her work, he self-reflection, and her ability to carry on in the face of great adversity. At the end of the podcast, Judge shares a quote from Sister Helen, and it made me think about my own life and how I am currenly living it versus how I would like to live it: “It’s important to take stock to see where I am. The only way I know what I really believe is by keeping watch over what I do.” How many times have I just coasted along saying that I believe something without that belief being born out in my actions?
Throughout my life, I have tried to live a consistent ethic, have integrity, use a strong moral compass, but there have been times I’ve failed, but mostly I have been successful at doing what I say I will do and living in a way that makes me proud of myself. But, it always seems like the times when I have not lived in a way that makes me proud are the times that I look back on and replay over and over in my mind. What could I have said differently, what could I have done differently, how could I have handled that better, how could I have lived more closely to the values I hold most dear? And, not one small part of living in the past, trying to solve those old problems, will help me with the people or situations I have in front of my in the present moment, nor will those mistakes or foibles predict how I will live in the future. They are simply time bound and fixed in the past in a way that can’t be amended. Can I apologize? Yes. Will that always work? No. Can I try to make amends? Yes. Will my offers for peace always be received? No.
I would like to begin to live each moment in a way that will make me proud of myself and living each moment with a strong moral compass, a consistent ethic, and with integrity requires presence. In my own, probably harsher than it needs to be, self-assessment, I have not been really present since I purchased my first iPhone back in 2011. I know it was 2011, because as soon as the iPhone was available with Verizon as a mobiel carrier, I converted, because who wants to have carry a phone and iPod? I am absolutely not blaming my phone for my lack of presence, because I know I make all of my own choices. We are all given free will—a fact that I plan to discuss with God when I arrive in heaven—what a poor design! Over the past 15 years or so, I have watched myself descend into a sort of cyborgian, technological abyss. Through social media, I have become hungry for likes and comments, I have aired my dirty laundry and other peoples, I have spent so much time reading inane articles about nothing, and I have allowed my thoughts, views, opinions, and probably so many other things about myself to become shaped and molded by people I will never meet and likely wouldn’t enjoy if I did meet them. So, I just deactivated all of my social media accounts, except Substack, which I rarely use, and this blog.
My biggest goals this year—I delineated my smaller goals or rituals (https://post.substack.com/p/against-resolutions) in a previous post—are to live in the moment, with the people who are around me, and to free myself from my phone addiction. Recently, I have spent upwards of 5 to 6 hours a day on my phone, and that can’t help but make my relationships suffer. My next move, after I write this is to take off all the apps from my phone, except the ones I use every day to communicate, track my health, and meditate. Hopefully, being intentional about being intentional will improve my relationships and the way I interact with the people I love.
While my brother and I were hiking today, I took two photos to send to my wife, since she was back home in Minnesota and couldn’t be with us on our January 1 Hike. Otherwise, I tried to keep my phone in my pocket, and, you know what, I actually enjoyed my hike more today than I do when I try to document every small part of it in photos for social media.
Here’s to being present.
Reason Breeds Insanity 