Have you ever had one of those days? I have. Yesterday was a day that started off beautifully. I got up and walked the dogs a mile, playing in the snow along the way. The weather was just right, about 20º with no wind and no precipitation. When we got home we played inside for a bit, and then I went out for a run. The run was nice. I felt good. I ran the same route I ran a couple of days ago, only I ran it in reverse and about five minutes faster. When I got home, I made some delicious oatmeal and had a nice breakfast with some juice and my vitamins. I had everything in my backpack. I was ready to walk to Starbucks to grade. And then.
Someone sent me a text that ruined the day. You know how you have these things about yourself that you just embrace instead of trying to change? Those things that make you who you are? I have a few of those things about me that I fully embrace, but it seems like some people I know view these character traits as flaws. Sometimes, I can just say, “Fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke,” but other times the things people say really get to me. They make me look at those parts of myself I work so hard to embrace and question them. When I question them, suddenly I find myself comparing myself to everyone around me and coming up short. Then, of course, I just get sad, and I keep telling myself I can’t measure up and that I’ll never amount to anything. What bothers me is that I cover these feelings up really well, so even when I tell people to knock it off, they don’t stop. Like yesterday, when I told this person that the comments were getting old, the response was that they weren’t getting old for him/her. Seriously. I am asking you to stop, and you still don’t.
Sometimes I can’t handle it. I just want to leave and never look back.I spent the better portion of yesterday, the day that was supposed to be beautiful, doubting myself and beating myself up for being such a worthless slug. Then I realized. That person can just be an asshole, in fact, is an asshole. And that has no reflection on me. I can embrace those parts of myself that are a little out of step with the rest of American culture. I can embrace my inner-other-cultureness. I enjoy living my life the way I do. I think my easy-goingness is both a source of admiration and a source of frustration for my friends and family. But, frankly, I want to get back to the way I was before. I want to not care what other people think, and I want to just let things roll off my back. I suppose that’s my New Year’s resolution, along with others that I will list on the first. I am going to consciously work to do what I want, to let things roll off of me and not to impact me, and to not always have to know, to not always have to behave like a good little ladder climber. I like the bottom rungs. I should just revel in being close to the ground. And, then, when I do stumble, and I do fall, I won’t have far to go.