Category Archives: Addiction

What You Do Means More Than What You Say

Posted on 1 January 2026 | Leave a comment

On my way to Richmond to visit my grandchildren, I listened to an episode of Criminal, in which Phoebe Judge interviewed Sister Helen Prejean, who is one of the driving forces behind some of most strongly held beliefs and values. I admire her work, he self-reflection, and her ability to carry on in the face of great adversity. At the end of the podcast, Judge shares a quote from Sister Helen, and it made me think about my own life and how I am currenly living it versus how I would like to live it: “It’s important to take stock to see where I am. The only way I know what I really believe is by keeping watch over what I do.” How many times have I just coasted along saying that I believe something without that belief being born out in my actions?

Throughout my life, I have tried to live a consistent ethic, have integrity, use a strong moral compass, but there have been times I’ve failed, but mostly I have been successful at doing what I say I will do and living in a way that makes me proud of myself. But, it always seems like the times when I have not lived in a way that makes me proud are the times that I look back on and replay over and over in my mind. What could I have said differently, what could I have done differently, how could I have handled that better, how could I have lived more closely to the values I hold most dear? And, not one small part of living in the past, trying to solve those old problems, will help me with the people or situations I have in front of my in the present moment, nor will those mistakes or foibles predict how I will live in the future. They are simply time bound and fixed in the past in a way that can’t be amended. Can I apologize? Yes. Will that always work? No. Can I try to make amends? Yes. Will my offers for peace always be received? No.

I would like to begin to live each moment in a way that will make me proud of myself and living each moment with a strong moral compass, a consistent ethic, and with integrity requires presence. In my own, probably harsher than it needs to be, self-assessment, I have not been really present since I purchased my first iPhone back in 2011. I know it was 2011, because as soon as the iPhone was available with Verizon as a mobiel carrier, I converted, because who wants to have carry a phone and iPod? I am absolutely not blaming my phone for my lack of presence, because I know I make all of my own choices. We are all given free will—a fact that I plan to discuss with God when I arrive in heaven—what a poor design! Over the past 15 years or so, I have watched myself descend into a sort of cyborgian, technological abyss. Through social media, I have become hungry for likes and comments, I have aired my dirty laundry and other peoples, I have spent so much time reading inane articles about nothing, and I have allowed my thoughts, views, opinions, and probably so many other things about myself to become shaped and molded by people I will never meet and likely wouldn’t enjoy if I did meet them. So, I just deactivated all of my social media accounts, except Substack, which I rarely use, and this blog.

My biggest goals this year—I delineated my smaller goals or rituals (https://post.substack.com/p/against-resolutions) in a previous post—are to live in the moment, with the people who are around me, and to free myself from my phone addiction. Recently, I have spent upwards of 5 to 6 hours a day on my phone, and that can’t help but make my relationships suffer. My next move, after I write this is to take off all the apps from my phone, except the ones I use every day to communicate, track my health, and meditate. Hopefully, being intentional about being intentional will improve my relationships and the way I interact with the people I love.

While my brother and I were hiking today, I took two photos to send to my wife, since she was back home in Minnesota and couldn’t be with us on our January 1 Hike. Otherwise, I tried to keep my phone in my pocket, and, you know what, I actually enjoyed my hike more today than I do when I try to document every small part of it in photos for social media.

Here’s to being present.

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Posted in Addiction, Joy, Nature, Personal, Relationships, silence, Social Media, State Park, Wellness

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Cracker Barrel; Red One; Goals

Posted on 29 November 2024 | Leave a comment

Yesterday for Thanksgiving dinner, my Dad, my brother, and I went to Cracker Barrel and then went to the movie theater to watch Red One. My mom was the one who was the most invested in our holiday feasting, so when she passed a few years ago, our holiday meals changed substantially, and I continued going to Minnesota for Thanksgiving for the most part, so I could spend Christmas here in Indiana with Dad and Adam. The first Christmas after she died, Dad wanted Chinese buffet, so we went to Yummy Grill and Buffet and ate crab rangoon and bad lo mein until we were too full of cream cheese, fake crab, and noodles to worry about the fact that Mom had died twelve days before. We added in a movie because what else do you do when the person who carries the joy is gone.

Red One was really a great holiday flick. I won’t spoil the details of the movie for you, but my mom would have loved its Christmas cheesiness, and a couple of times I got really choked up thinking about how she would have been cheering and yelling at the screen like several of our fellow movie goers. Mom was one of those people who clapped at the end of movies, like the actors on screen could hear her. She also loudly gave instructions to the characters about how they could thwart danger or how they could save the day. I like to think she loves the fact that we all go together to movies more now, since I have learned to tolerate the loudness and flashingness of them. I wish I’d have accomplished that while she was still alive, because I am sure she would’ve loved another movie going partner. I take her with me now, though, so I guess we grow in weird ways in weird timing.

I love Cracker Barrel. I know that isn’t a popular opinion, but their chicken and dumplings, when they are on point, are one of things my little carbohydrate-loving heart craves the most. The dumplings are sticky and thick, the broth is rich and with a little pepper is perfect, and the chicken is tender and moist. The sides are a bit underwhelming, but when I can get mashed sweet potatoes and fried okra without having to figure out what to do with the leftovers, I will take them a little less good than I can make at home. Yesterday, for their special menu, and probably until Christmas, they have Sugar Plum Sweet Tea, which is maybe one of the best drinks I’ve had at casual dining, though it was even a bit sweet for me.

I was amazed by how many people were both at Cracker Barrel and the movie theater, but I also loved that so many people were with their families. There were so many big tables seated at CB that I had to smile and think about all of the love in that place. People were smiling, talking with each other, laughing, and generally enjoying each other’s company in a way that I don’t see as much I would like. At the theater, people were being polite, sharing popcorn, chatting with their family and friends. Some days I get a glimpse into what I love about this world. And I needed that yesterday. I need it every day. But I especially needed it yesterday.

For Christmas, we’re going to try our hand at making an indigenous feast with foods found native in Indiana. We’re starting with deer steaks that Dad was gifted by a neighbor and building from there. Suggestions are always welcome, but the ingredients must be decolonized and indigenous to the Midwest, preferably to Indiana.

*

I know my last post was a bit dark. I am trying really hard to figure out how to stay out of that space in my brain, but I have been feeling really overwhelmed since August. “Brian,” my brain when he misbehaves, has been working on overtime mayhem lately, but I have finally caught up on all of my school work, so I think it may be better now. As an ennagram 4w5 (might as well just call myself a 4/5), sometimes I see bits of joy or hope, but I am a little afraid to get too excited about them, or to seize them, because, well, surely sadness will just follow, right? I am working on that too. I want to be hopeful and joyful in a new way in my life. Since the new year starts, in my way of thinking and according to the church calendar, on this coming Sunday with the First Sunday of Advent, I figured why not just put my goals or aspirations or hopes for 2025 out here today; some of them are carry over from 2024, because I didn’t do so well accomplishing them.

  1. Love more. Give and receive more hugs. Tell people, “I love you.”
  2. Be more honest and vulnerable, and trust people to love me. Set better boundaries, tell people when they hurt me, hear them when they tell me I hurt them. Listen to people and believe what they tell me.
  3. Move more. Swim. Bike. Walk. Run. Hike. Dance. Wobble. Play with Luna.
  4. Read and write more. Read the Bible, books, newspapers, magazines. Write about things: gratitude, anger, grief, frustration, hopes, dreams, joy, memories, visions. Start a rage and hope journal.
  5. Practice moderation in consumption. Eat in moderation. Buy in moderation. Use technology in moderation.
  6. Be sober and be present.

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Posted in Abstinence, Addiction, Advent, Biking, Cycling, Diet, Eating, Fall/Autumn, Family, Fitness, Food, Goals, Health, hiking, Joy, Mental Health, New Year, Running, Swimming, Trail, Trail Running, Walking, Writing

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Two Sets of Directions and Flippy

Posted on 2 January 2019 | Leave a comment

Yesterday, I had to go get cups for my second job at Caribou Coffee, because we were running out of large iced cups, and, while you wouldn’t expect to in a place like Minnesota in January, we use a lot of large iced cups. Minnesotans love their cold brew. I had never been to the Caribou Coffee I needed to go, because it is located on the opposite side of the Twin Cities from where I live, and I have no need to ever go there, except to get cups. Normally, I would just plop that address into my iPhone Apple Maps and get there and back with no problem. I panicked for a quick minute, then I used the computer in our weird little backroom, dish room, office area and found the Caribou that had cups and used google maps to find the easiest route. Then I wrote the route out on paper, like I used to write motorcycle routes on my arm in Sharpie marker. Yes, I rode my motorcycle all the way to Florida and back and all the way to Door County and back with only directions in Sharpie marker on my arm. Needless to say, I made it from my Caribou to the Caribou 30 minutes away without incident.

Today, I went to my favorite donut shop, Glam Dolls for breakfast. I navigated my way there with no problem, but they were closed for an extended New Year’s vacation. I was incredibly sad, but my eventual goal was to end up in Roseville, so I could visit my friends at Apple, and so I could grade my students’ work before finishing my quarter three planning after work tomorrow and Friday. As I (very sadly) pulled away from Glam Dolls, I said to myself, good luck getting to Roseville! MNDOT has rerouted the entrance onto 35W from I-94, where I used to use Franklin Street and then cross 5 lanes of traffic on I-94 to exit onto 35W North, and I had to fend for myself, so I just stayed on I-94, thinking that I would eventually bump into something familiar. Just as I had the thought that I might have to stay on I-94 until it merged onto 52, which is way out of the way, exit signs for 280 started popping up, and I vaguely remembered Jack telling me that’s how he gets from where we live to Roseville, so I took the exit and hoped for the best. I am proud to report that I made it to my usual Starbucks without any problems.

*

After a week of being with Flippy (this is what my lovely flip phone will be affectionately called from here on out), I have decided that intentionality is one side effect of flip phone use. Everything I do with Flippy is very intentional. Texts take three to four times as long to write, so I ask myself if I really need to say what I am about to say. Is what I am about to type really worth all of the tapping and strange navigation on the phone? I am much more thoughtful about what I put out there, because what I put out there takes more work. Another thing about being intentional is that I can’t just look things up on a whim, because I have to be near my computer. I wondered, this morning at 4:38 when I woke up for the first time—when is the first official day of baseball season? Thursday, March 28 if you need to know— and normally I would’ve grabbed my phone, looked it up, and gone down a rabbit hole of looking at things. Instead, I wondered it, said to myself, “Look that up later, Self,” and then went back to sleep for another hour or so.

Finally, I am finding that this experiment is doing just what I had hoped. Because texting is so labor intensive, I have made more phone calls to people in the past week than I have in probably the past year. I usually have three people who I call on a regular basis (and if you ask them, they will tell you it is very irregular): Bec, Merideth, and Amy. I rarely call anyone else. In the past week, I’ve talked with my parents (twice), my brother (twice), Bec (several times), and a couple of other people. Already, this feels like the best thing that’s happened to me in a while.

 

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Posted in Abstinence, Addiction, Ethics, Flippy, Goals, Health, Mental Health, Relationships, Technology, Wellness

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Kyocera Cadence; DK Standrick

Posted on 29 December 2018 | Leave a comment

This morning I tried to activate my new phone, but it didn’t work when I tried to follow Verizon’s instructions on their website, so I called and got help from a very nice and knowledgeable woman who activated it with little to no difficulty.

I am nervously excited.

In a nostalgic moment, I was excited to text with the old key pad, but that excitement quickly wore off when I realized how labor intensive texting like that can be. I figure this will just force me to call people more frequently, since I won’t want to type out long messages one letter (up to four clicks) at a time. Here’s a quick “I’m sorry” to all of those people who, like me, hate to talk on the phone because texting is so much easier.

I can already feel the need for nearly constant digital contact with people kind of sliding away, which is the goal of this whole thing anyway, but I didn’t figure it would happen so quickly. Before when I have quit social media, I got sucked back in pretty quickly, but social media is more labor intensive on a computer than a smart device, so I may have saved myself that temptation this round.

At any rate, I am looking forward to spending my time reading, running, writing, and even watching TV or movies, instead of scrolling. I am really focusing on just doing one thing at a time and giving that one thing my undivided attention. Right now, I am writing. The TV is off, the phone is in my pocket, and I am focused.

I guess my big goal with this is to get back to where I was ten years ago where I can focus, I can remember, and I can relish the time I spend with others. I don’t like my presence with others being split between the screen and the person, and I, personally, haven’t been able to curb that need for digital connectedness without this drastic measure.

Tuesday, January 1 is the real start date, but by then I’ll be  five days off of social media and three days on the flippy, so I’ll have a good head start.

I’m ready.

I’m nervously excited.

Kyocera Cadence in the Box, Ready to be Set up
After Battery Installation and Charging

*

This morning as I was reading the News App on my iPhone, before I activated the new phone, I ran across a pretty sweet little journal called Trail and Kale, and apparently they started in 2012 when the founders began trail running as a way to stay fit.

I love their site’s format and the way it’s so easy to navigate. The things you’d most like to read have their own categories, then there is an everything category. For example, when you click on “Interviews,” you can see “Elite Runners” or “All Interviews.”

Of course, nothing a magazine, website, or other forum can do to make things easier to find, helps when I am looking for content that I clearly found in another place. Just before I started writing this, I was thinking about an article about Darbykai (or DK) Standrick in Canadian Trail Running, and I could have sworn it was in Trail and Kale, so I spent half an hour looking for it there.

But, it wasn’t in Trail and Kale, so here I am now, explaining that silliness to you instead of making my point, which is that most elite athletes now have a social media presence. In fact, that’s how I know about most of the amazing trail runners I know about, but Standrick has no social media presence, which is what interested me about her.

Standrick is out there doing her own thing, and kicking ass at it, and not sounding her own horn. Her running philosophy seems to be a good one as well: “Run when you want. Run when you don’t want with the option of going home. Try and go fast sometimes and try not to sweat other times.” I think I may try to implement that approach; run when I want, run when I don’t, lay low, and figure out who I am again. And again. And again.

If there’s a theme to my life, it is figuring out who I am over and over again. Here’s to every day being the best day.

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Posted in Addiction, Fat Runner, Fitness, Goals, Mental Health, Running, Social Media, Technology, Trail Running, Wellness

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Flip Phone: Kicking My Social Media Addiction

Posted on 24 December 2018 | 3 comments

I just ordered my new Kyocera Cadence LTE.

I ordered a flip phone.

To replace my iPhone. 

I am not yet quite sure how I feel about it. I have turned off my iPad and my Apple Watch, and I will turn off my iPhone, once my new phone arrives in the mail. I have this weird, deep, nervous pit in my stomach, which sounds really stupid when I write it down, but it’s true. Moving from working at Apple for three years, where I had to know the newest of the newest technology to make my living, to turning off all of my Apple devices except my computer, which I need for work (I just can’t bring myself to use a Chromebook), seems like a giant leap, but I am looking forward to reclaiming my life from the depths of social media and screen addiction. 

I’ve read a couple of articles which indicate that screen addiction, particularly social media addiction, stimulates and grows similar neural pathways as opioid addiction. I believe that assessment to be true. I’ve watched people in my life struggle with other addictions, and the hold that social media and my smart devices have on me resembles the hold of various substances in their lives. I don’t say this to minimize their struggle, but simply to highlight my own struggle with the screen. 

Over the past four for five years, I have tried countless ways to kick my screen habit: setting a goal of a month without social media, just using one social medium, only checking in the morning or night, cutting usage to an hour, or even only using my computer for it. I have had zero success in beating this addiction. 

If I am honest, in the past couple of years, I’ve become even more addicted, spending sometimes three or four hours a day on my phone when I should be doing just about anything else. “I should go for a run,” or I could just edit a few more pictures. “I should sketch something,” or I could just post a couple more things here on Twitter. “I should go cook some awesome food to give to the neighbors,” or I could share a couple more articles here on Facebook. Writing? Church? Exercise? Reading? Art? Preparation for class? Spending time with friends and family? Cooking? In my mind, of late, have any of these things been as important as posting just this one more thing on social media?

After an immense amount of soul-searching and asking what would have to change for me to be content with the direction my life is taking, I recognized that I needed to kick my addiction to social media, specifically Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. I needed to stop measuring my life in likes, comments, and shares. As Theodore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy,” and I am tired of not being joyful, because I am continually comparing myself to others, some of whom I have never met. I have the perfect opportunity to reset my technological world this semester by buying a flip phone and leaving all of my other devices in Minnesota when I leave for Indiana here in a couple of weeks. 

What in my life will have to change as a part of this experiment?

First, I recognized pretty quickly that I will have to start paying attention to where I am going. I will not have immediate access to GPS. I will be forced to regrow the maps that used to be in my head, and to grow new ones for the new places I will go. I’ll be forced to pay attention when I go somewhere, so I can get there again. I will also need to purchase some paper maps for cities where I visit frequently, like Indianapolis. And I will need to print directions to get some places. This is a bit scary for some reason, though it never scared me when I drove to Mexico in my early twenties with no GPS and no Apple Maps. 

Second, there are many places I go every day that have mobile apps, instead of cards. I’m thinking about my daily coffee stop, where I usually show my phone instead of using cash or a card, or when I check into LA Fitness with my phone instead of the card they gave me when I first registered with them. I suppose I’ll have to figure out where to get new cards and start using more cash payments. Who knows? Maybe I’ll even save some money in this whole thing. 

Third, I rely on being able to look up everything on Google. Who is that actor? What else was she in? What is this song? What was that one painting called? Where is that building located? Who made that sculpture? What is the name of that one state park? What time does that store open? Should I go to that restaurant? What time is that movie showing? What disease do I have if I have these symptoms? How old is Ruth Bader Ginsburg? What about Betty White? I mean, I Google pretty much everything these days. You probably do too. The sad part is that I used to actually retain information, but now I just Google it. 

Fourth, and probably most important for me, I take MANY photos, and I mean many. I probably take 10-20 photos every day, but the phone I purchased has a really bad camera. And I did that on purpose. For one year, I want to be real and present in everything I do. I just want to live and experience things, and I don’t want to be the person with camera. Don’t get me wrong, taking photos brings me a great amount of joy, but when I am out with my friends and they ask me to take pictures, sometimes it’s a lot of pressure to get the right shot, to make it look good, to edit it well, to make sure everyone has the right look on their face (let’s be honest, that’s a real challenge when some of you all are involved!), to make sure you didn’t get some random person in the background, to make sure you got all of the background, to ensure the composition is pleasing to the eye, and to be the person people rely on to capture the group memories. For a year, I just want to see what I see with my eyes and keep the memories in my head. 

Lastly, group messages and T9 texting. I don’t really think I need to say anything else about this one. 

I am excited about the prospect of breaking this addiction, and I am finally in the right headspace to leave some things behind, because they aren’t serving their intended purpose in my life. As they say, I’ve hit rock bottom a few times with my mental health in regards to comparing myself with others, so I’m ready to move on.

Here’s to a beautiful 2019.

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Posted in Abstinence, Addiction, Goals, Mental Health, Technology, Wellness

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