Category Archives: Goals

A Whole New Chapter

Posted on 16 May 2011 | Leave a comment

On June 2, I plan to start a whole new chapter of my life, a technology-free chapter. I have been spending far too many hours with my face smashed into the computer screen, most of which has been spent on Facebook, Twitter, and email. My addiction has gotten to the point where I spend more time clicking back and forth between social networks and email, compulsively and to no good end. When I open my computer, I automatically open several tabs that I check obsessively until I log off the computer. I have found myself mindlessly clicking back and forth from tab to tab for hours. Sometimes a whole day will be taken up with the mindless shuffling between sites. There is no good reason for my compulsion, so I need to stop. I am giving myself an intervention.

On June 2 (and until August 14), I am not going to use the computer at all. Well, correctly stated, I will not use the Internet at all, but I have to use Word to type my dissertation. I plan to only use my cell phone with no texting for the duration of the summer. Why? Two reasons first come to mind: (1) I have become detached from people who are around me, being absorbed into my computer, even when there are people I care about in the room with me, and (2) I have to get a couple of chapters of my dissertation drafted.

I think this will help me to wean myself away from the social sites. Also, I hope to find myself getting much more done, including painting the house, refinishing the floors, drafting two chapters, writing some creative nonfiction, and running and swimming every day, except Saturdays when I will go for bike rides with Bec. I set goals. I don’t always keep them, but I never lose hope that I might, one day, make my goals.

Lent and Jealousy

Posted on 13 March 2011 | 1 comment

Last Wednesday, I went to Ash Wednesday service for the first time in my life. I am not sure why I have never gone before. In fact, my not going makes no sense given the fact that my favorite Christian season is Lent. You would think I had attended every Ash Wednesday service my entire adult life, but until this year, I celebrated my own private death without going to church. That’s what Ash Wednesday is, after all, a celebration of our death to self and our acknowledgment that we are nothing without the power of Christ.

I usually spend Lent contemplative and questioning, but this year I decided to put my questioning on a back burner and to really focus on my relationship with Christ. Not questioning is the hardest part of this, not questioning and merely experiencing. In truth, that last sentence of the first paragraph brings to mind questions, and I had to focus on not entertaining whether people can be something without the power of Christ. Of course they can be, I see people all around me who aren’t Christian who run humanitarian/charitable circles around people I know to be Christian. But, I am trying to put that line of reasoning out of my head, at least for this Lenten season, by focusing on the way Christ is working in my life and the way I see him working in others.

In this way, the way of experience and trying to draw closer to God through the incarnated Christ, I am focusing on a few things for this 40-day period of reflection. So the disciplines I am practicing are focused on the incarnate and not so much on the spirit this time, though I am adding in some reading and meditation.

First, I am fasting in a way that I haven’t fasted since seminary. I am eating a smoothie in the morning, then drinking tea and water for the rest of the day. Before you panic, let me just say that the smoothie contains apple juice, strawberries, blueberries, a banana, aloe, hemp seeds, maple syrup, and wheat germ. In all, it probably contains about 500-700 calories. Certainly, that isn’t enough to live on for an extended period of time, but Lent is only 40 days long. The tea I am drinking is specially formulated to provide well-being while fasting, too. In order to keep up with my running, I may have to add in some more food, but we’ll see how this goes.

Second, I am trying to work on some of my jealousy issues. I have never in my life wanted a baby so badly as I do right now, and it doesn’t seem to help this urge that many people I know are either having or adopting children. I spent spring break in Florida visiting Merideth and her new daughter Tillie. I spent about an hour yesterday with Izzy. I spent a few minutes reading about David and Andrea’s new baby Ezra. I even allowed myself a few moments to look at pictures of the new daughter of one of our students. And I spent quite a bit of time dwelling on my intense jealousy for Abbie’s joy, Merideth’s joy, Andrea’s joy, and even a young mother’s joy. Don’t think for a minute that my jealousy comes at the expense of my recognition of their blessings. Of course, I am thrilled for their blessings, but I also realize that my window for motherhood is quickly dwindling. So, I am focusing on asking for wisdom in navigating both my desire for a child and to find a way to be at peace and to be filled with joy for these friends whose lives are so blessed.

Third, I am praying. Prayer is definitely not a gift of mine. I had friends in seminary who pray a blue streak and every word that came from their mouths was an exquisite utterance of truth and beauty. They could quote scripture while praying, speak hymns while praying, weep and laugh while praying, and weave together poetry with their words while praying. While I am not foolish enough to be envious of their ability to pray, I am foolish enough to believe that I, too, can learn to pray that way. Articulate and artistic.

Fourth, I am reading. I have been working on The Joy of Living and An Altar in the World for spiritual development. Even though they are from two different faith perspectives, the words harmonize so resoundingly with each other that I can feel their timbre resonating within my soul. And it is a beautiful, fulfilling, teaching melody. I have already learned that I need to be less attached to worldly things, but to find the beauty in those things.

Hopefully, the next 40 days will be an exercise in fruitfulness and anticipation for the events of Maundy Thursday, Holy Friday, and Easter Sunday. Come, Lord Jesus, bring your profound and powerful grace.

1 Comment

Posted in Children, Food, Goals, Grace, Lent, Reading, Religion

A New Year. New Goals.

Posted on 2 January 2011 | Leave a comment

2011. For it’s ability to bring hope and fresh passion to an otherwise apathetic and decaying culture, I embrace the celebration of the new year. I understand that we might experience failures in the new year; we are a fallen people. This is no longer Eden. However, the festivity of New Year’s Eve and the solemnity with which people make vows, create resolutions, and set goals that theoretically will make them better people makes me know that each new year brings restored passion and compassion. There’s hope in the air. People have faith that this year will somehow be better than last. And, we give forgiveness for those failures we’ve previously experienced. Presumably, our goal is to make ourselves better this year. Here are my goals for this year. They’re not much different than last, but they attempt to take what I have been trying to do and to do it better.

Read. Both the bible and other books. Hopefully a little bit of each, each day. Watch less television, even though I already don’t watch much. It’s amazing to me how productive I can be when I don’t watch the television. I will however watch Bones and Big Love.
Run. Every day except Sunday. My goal is to run three miles a day on Monday through Thursday. On Friday, I’ll run two miles, and on Saturdays at least six miles. I also plan to add some other types of exercise. I want to finish two marathons: my own Ivanhoe’s Marathon and the Towpath Marathon.
Eat. Only food I can recognize as food. I want to remain vegan, but I want to narrow this down a bit more and eat only whole foods, such as beans, rice, vegetables, and the like. Cut out processed foods and sugars.
Dissertate. Two chapters. I want to finish two chapters of my dissertation this summer, and I have set forth a plan to make this happen.
Teach. To the best of my abilities. Love each student. Be firm with each student. Guide each student to his or her highest potential. Be more diligent in grading.
Attitude. Change it. I need to work on being more relaxed and carefree. I need to talk less and listen more. I need to remember that I don’t always have to be right. Loving people is more important than anything else. My stress level is through the roof, and I need to remember that the only person I have to please is God. What this means and where this will take me, I don’t know, but I am open to doing whatever it is I am supposed to do. I would just like to know what that is!

I am also working on an art/writing project. Once I get it going and hammer it out, I will post a link to the ongoing project. I am pretty excited about it.

I’m already thinking about summer. Sigh.

Posted on 20 December 2010 | Leave a comment

I am trying to plan how my summer is going to go. I think I have decided it will go a little like this:

Get up early, like 5:30 AM early. It’s too hot to run much later, and it’ll be light shortly after 5 AM.
Run 3-5 miles, depending on the day, to get ready for the Towpath Marathon in Peninsula, OH.
Walk the dogs on their summer route.
Eat breakfast and brew some coffee.
Spend from 9 AM until 1030 AM reading good literature, and from 1030 AM to 12 PM on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday writing for pleasure, creative nonfiction and poetry. I might even try to eek out a couple of pieces of fiction while I’m at it. On Thursday and Friday, I will work on house projects, like painting, refinishing the floors, and painting the house.
Eat a good lunch from 12 PM to 1PM.
On Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday from 1 PM to 5 PM, I will work on my dissertation. On Thursday and Friday, I will make appointments and spend time with friends and family.
At 5PM walk the dogs.
Saturday will be for long runs (of six or more miles), and Sunday for long bike rides, church, and grocery shopping with that lady I live with.

My goal is to limit the amount of time I spend figuring out what I am supposed to be doing and to spend more time actually doing it. I also want to increase the amount of time I spend considering literature and writing about it. I have found that when I have my student read more before they write, they tend to write better and more effectively Their writing is smarter and more eloquent when they’ve been reading writing that’s difficult for them.

Another goal I have is to eat healthy, whole food, which is the same goal I keep setting for myself. I find myself gravitating toward the unhealthy. In fact, yesterday, I wanted to eat some fish, and instead of ordering the salmon salad I love so much, I got fish and chips. Unhealthy choice #7, 365, 289. I am sure that even baklava is more healthy for me. At least I can name all the ingredients in it. I couldn’t begin to tell you what might have been in my fish and chips. And, I could feel it later.

On that same note, I think I am going to incorporate meat back into my diet (very rarely) because I have been feeling a little protein deprived. I simply can’t get enough protein while also trying to to lose weight, and I need to lose weight to run the marathon. It’s a never-ending cycle. I am too fat. It’s hard to run. I lose weight. It gets easier. I gain weight. I get fat. I need to break the cycle! I feel like Susan Powter. Wasn’t that her catch phrase? Maybe not. At any rate, I simply HAVE to figure out a way to lose weight.

EDIT: I can’t eat meat. I ate fish yesterday, and I just feel guilty today. I just need to figure out how to get more protein and fewer calories. I am sure sticking to eating whole foods would help!

Diligence. Running. Diet. Merideth. Attitudes.

Posted on 3 December 2010 | 1 comment

It’s difficult for me to keep up with this blog since no one can actually see it anymore. I know now how my students feel when they write essays that are simply for my eyes, so I know that my teaching will be entirely different next year from what it is this year. It’s really hard to come here time and again to write, just like it is really hard for them to muster up any level of caring about their writing when they view it as simply an assignment. Next year, I am hoping to help them do assignment that will have a bit more exposure, more influence in their culture. But for now, I will occasionally write for you, my faithful and devoted reader(s), and they will write for me and each other. It’s an exercise in non-profit diligence.

I wish I didn’t teach until 9AM. If so, I could run in the morning without having to get up at 5AM. I am not so much fun when I get up at 5AM. In fact, I am quite grumpy when I get up at 5AM. You wouldn’t want to be around me when I get up at 5AM. Seriously, 5AM is bad. For me. However, what running I can eek out is going well. I am back to pre-injury speed, which in the running world, is more like a slow walk compared to where I should be for my age. I blame it on my girth. I’d like to strap a one-hundred backpack on some of these scrawny little runners and see how fast they go then! They’d then be thrilled they could move their 200-plus-pound frame across flat land at 12:30 a mile. That’s pretty fast for a rounder! 🙂

The diet has changed. I am trying to only eat whole foods. The 1200-1500 calorie thing worked for about two weeks until I felt as if I was starving to death. Along with not liking to wake up at 5AM, I really don’t like to wake up hungry. When my stomach’s growling is more effective than my alarm clock, I realize I am no longer dieting. I am then starving myself. I am trying to transition to eating things like sweet potatoes, broccoli, barley, oats, nuts. You know, whole foods. I feel better, but last night I caved to a craving and ate pizza. Without cheese of course. And tonight I am having some beer and probably some other unhealthy food, like fries or whatnot.

On a very different note, I’d love (still) to go into business with Merideth to open the “Hoot and Whatnot,” the coffeehouse/bar/bookstore/general store conglomeration that we fantasized about so long ago. I can’t wait until Christmastime when she and her sister are going to be here. I only wish the time would be longer, and the days less packed with family events. Everything changes, but everything’s changed. We’re old. We’re married. She pregnant. We can’t just lie around all day eating peanut M&Ms and watching bad movies. We have to behave like adults. Sigh.

Adults. How do they behave? Badly, usually. I am trying with all of my might to help my workplace not be such a den of negativity. It’s like the beginning to Richard 3, “Now is the winter of our discontent,” only without it “made glorious summer by this son of York.” It’s just a pit of despair.