Category Archives: Grace

Shortbread, Prayer Ropes, and Sermons on Mountains

Posted on 11 February 2010 | Leave a comment

I have been having a craving for shortbread lately. I tried to satiate that need with Lorna Doones, but as much as I love those flaky little cookies, they just weren’t fulfilling my needs. So I decided to make some homemade shortbread. With its half a cup of butter and whole cup of sugar, I am sure the shortbread, which will transfer from refrigerator to oven in just a few short minutes, will melt in my mouth like Rufus Wainwright or K.D. Lang singing Hallelujah. Sweet, smooth, and sexy. Can shortbread be sexy?

Last night after I started contemplating Lent, I looked for my prayer rope. I couldn’t find it anywhere, and, quite frankly, I was feeling pretty forlorn. This morning, however, I remembered that the last place I used it was in bed. I went through this phase where I would wake up in the morning and pray the Jesus prayer the entire way around the rope before I even got out of bed. Apparently, when I abandoned that notion, I left the prayer rope on the bedside bookshelf and the cats then knocked it behind the shelf. I had to move the shelf in order to find it, but I am glad it was there.

While I rode the bus to school this morning I prayed. I began by reciting the Apostle’s Creed. Well, I recited it as well as I could from memory. I get a little jumbly right around the holy catholic church part. I then prayed the Jesus prayer ten times in a row, once for each knot, praying the Lord’s prayer at each cold, blue plastic bead, and then continuing around until I returned to the cross at the beginning where I again recited the Apostle’s Creed. I decided that I need to learn a few more prayers to pray along the rope because the Lord’s Prayer gets to be a little rote after praying it ten times. I think I am going to mix in a little scripture or a Hail, Mary or a Franciscan prayer or something.

I decided that I am going to try to (re)memorize the Sermon on the Mount during the 40-odd days of Lent, but I wanted to get a head start on the project so I read through Matthew 5-7 today. I am going to break the text up so that I only have to memorize three or four verses each day. Today through Ash Wednesday is the longest portion of Scripture to memorize, which is the Beatitudes. I think I am doing pretty well. This is what I know without looking (the bold is what I didn’t know): Jesus went up on the mountain and his disciples gathered around him. He opened up his mouth and said to them: Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted. Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they will be satisfied. Blessed are the merciful for they shall be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called children of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who are reviled and persecuted and slandered for my namesake. Rejoice and be glad for great is your reward in heaven because they equally persecuted the prophets who were before you.

About 50%. Epic fail. I think it is difficult because I am trying to memorize it in a different version this time. Before, I used the New King James, and now I am trying the English Standard Version. Before it’s over I think I am going to switch to the tNIV. I mean shouldn’t peacemakers be children of God, not sons of God?

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I am thankful for days when class goes so well.

Exercise: walked the dogs, 35 minutes on the evil machine

Food: oatmeal, chocolate milk, juice, salad with dirt in it, Minestrone soup, chocolate milk, two fake-chicken parmesan sandwiches, cauliflower, homemade vegan berry mango ice-cream, beer

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Posted in Food, Grace, Religion

Lent-y Goodness.

Posted on 10 February 2010 | 1 comment

I suppose I shouldn’t attempt to add one more thing to my already packed days, but Lent is coming. It’s coming next Wednesday to be exact. Or if you’re Orthodox, Clean Monday is, well, next Monday. No offense to my Catholic friends, but the Orthodox are hardcore, much more so than the Catholics; they don’t take Monday and Tuesday to live it up. Lent starts on the Monday before Ash Wednesday, instead of the Ash Wednesday after Fat Tuesday. There is no Mardi Gras for the solemn Orthodox. You are supposed to begin cleansing yourself and looking toward the forty-odd days ahead. Great Lent.

I just learned that for the staunch Orthodox observer Lent involves a strict, almost vegan, fasting, just for a portion of the days though. Of course, giving up all of those animal products is indicative of Christ’s suffering and our willingness to follow him to the cross. More importantly, though, the Orthodox fast for Lent calls the follower to give up olive oil and wine. How is a Greek expected to cook anything decent without olive oil? And, is using corn or canola oil cheating? What about drinks? What do you serve to drink with dinner if you can’t have wine? I guess most of my answers can be found here, at the Orthodox Church of America’s website.

What cannot be found on their website are my own answers about my own spirituality. I have not been practicing any form of spiritual practice lately, and I haven’t been to church for two weeks. I feel like I don’t have time for God, which is not a good place to be in. I am writing this dissertation about spirituality, and I don’t have time for God? That doesn’t add up. So, my goal for Lent is to be more mindful of God, more mindful of my actions, and more mindful of others. I need to spend time contemplating God, God’s creation, and the ways God continually blesses me, even when I don’t take the time to notice.

What form will this increased mindfulness take? I am not sure. I might begin by picking up my prayer rope, which I haven’t used in a while. I might continue by re-memorizing (for long term memorization this time) the Sermon on the Mount. I might try meditating on the glories of nature while I run. I might even read a theological text or two over the course of the forty days. I do know that I will do something, because I feel a new kind of vacuum growing in my soul. I am having trouble coping with things that normally wouldn’t cause a minor blip on my screen. So, of course, I feel a little guilty like a good Greek girl should.

When I have troubles, I go runnin’ back to Jesus. But when life is good, I fail to give him any recognition. I have no excuse. I think this is what Lent is for: thinking about these things. It’s a time of joyful, but contemplative, purification. I am purifying my spirit by acknowledging my lack of acknowledgment. I see no reason to get to Lent each year and realize that I still have not been cognizantly acknowledging God throughout the year, and yet each year I get to this point in the church calendar and find myself at a loss for words. And not in a good way.

I can’t even say, maybe this will be the year in which I remain attentive to my Christian life throughout the year. I know it won’t be. I know that at this time next year, I will think to myself, Oh, shit, it’s Lent again, and I need to figure out where I am spiritually. I will be in much the same place I am now, and still unhappy with who I am in Christ. Maybe that is the secret to a fulfilling Christian life, to continually recognize how little we are growing. Maybe it’s like AA and you have to admit your problem. Hi, my name is Corby and I am a stagnant Christian, I would say at the first meeting. I am not growing. Right now. Well, maybe a little. It takes time to grow. This song reminds me of how God loves us, whether or not we grow by leaps and bounds.

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I am thankful for the liturgical calendar because it reminds me each year how far I have to go and have far I have come.

Food: banana, juice, pure bar, chili, soy peanut butter sandwich, chocolate milk, pizza and bread sticks, cauliflower

Exercise: walked dogs, 35 minutes on the evil machine, walked from Burris to RB

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Posted in Dissertation, Food, Grace, Religion, Vegetarian or Vegan, Winter Weather

Codename: Kids Next Door

Posted on 3 February 2010 | 1 comment

While waiting for my lunch/dinner to bake in the 400º oven for 60-75 minutes, I just watched the strangest cartoon I have seen since I was a kid and Q-bert was part of the Saturday morning line-up. The episode of Codename: Kids Next Door that was on involves a box of Rainbow Crunch Puffs or some such cereal. There is only box left, and everyone wants it. After multiple fights in which various villains/good guys destroy the grocery store in their overzealous attempts to conquer their foes, a character who looks like an old private eye, complete with a pipe and a cap, but shrouded in a dark, reclusive silhouette uses fire power to pop corn and then burn it up. By doing so he exposes several children dressed as superheroes who are hiding under all the popped corn.

I can only assume said children were the “Kids Next Door,” but they didn’t have the cereal either. Of course, the person who ends up with the cereal only wants it because he wants to destroy it.”It’s bad for your teeth, you know,” says the retainer-clad, head-gear-wearing villain. Somehow, everyone in the grocery store combines forces, overpowers Retainer Head and eats the last box of Rainbow Crunch Puffs in a communal breakfast. Just weird. Now, of course, Misadventures of Flapjack is on. Weirder.*

Today wasn’t such a great day. I feel like I am spinning my wheels lately. I am having that feeling that I have every once in a while. I get this notion in my head that I can’t succeed, well, not simply succeed but excel, at anything I am doing. I feel like I am being torn in too many directions: teaching at BSU, teaching at Burris, grading for BSU, grading for Burris, helping edit a high school literary journal, writing a conference paper, writing my dissertation proposal, spending quality time with people who are close to me, trying to find a real job for next year, running, swimming, and sleep. Instead of being able to put “my queer shoulder to the wheel” and get stuff done, I get overwhelmed and can’t do anything.

It’s like I slip into this rote compulsive mode: check Facebook, check email, check phone, check Facebook, check email, check phone, and on and on. It’s quite ridiculous, but I really can’t help it. It’s like I am driven to distract myself from feeling like a failure. Then I get sleepy and just want to sleep. What’s so strange about all of this is that I don’t feel depressed. I just feel overwhelmed and like I want to avoid the things I have to do. Even though I was sick over the weekend, it isn’t like me to sleep for fourteen hours. Eight or nine, yes. But fourteen, no.

Part of what I am going to force myself to avoid are the conflicts around me that I have no control over. I can’t control what other people do. Some people are simply jack-asses. I keep thinking that one day I will discover a group of people who can get along like I think adults should be able to get along. You know, show grace, compassion, respect, integrity, kindness, equality, and responsibility. Is it too much to ask for adults to be able to exhibit the characteristics we expect from children?

I just need to stop being delusional. People aren’t naturally good. People are fallen, and no amount of my thinking they are good at heart is going to make them so. People are selfish, egotistical, and greedy. They don’t look out for each other. Why can’t I just recognize this and go on? Why do I insist on trying to see the good in people who clearly aren’t good? I want them to be, I think, so I keep hoping they will be. I guess I can still hope. I can always hope, but I need to stop basing my faith in the lies of other people. I need to remember where my true hope lies and focus more on that. All this worldly stuff just makes me bitter, like bad coffee.

I can’t afford to focus on these things, however. I have a dissertation proposal to write, papers to grade, a conference paper to write, and lessons to plan.

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I am thankful that my mostly dead cat is not completely dead.

Food: banana, juice, muffin, chocolate milk, apple, bean/rice/veggie pot pie, ginger ale

Exercise: walked the dogs, ran 3.5 miles

(Yesterday: ran 3 miles, walked dogs, walked from Burris to RB)

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Posted in Coffee, Dissertation, Food, Grace, Relationships, Running, School, Writing

Mia Kirshner at BSU?

Posted on 1 February 2010 | Leave a comment

One of my friends is responsible for getting Mia Kirshner to come to BSU. This is a huge deal, a much bigger deal than I originally thought. Because I don’t really watch The L Word, I had no idea who Mia Kirshner is, nor did I realize that she had a life-changing epiphany. She travels around the world documenting the way women are treated and the way human rights are practiced (or not practiced) in communities around the world. This is noble.

My point is that if you are reading this you should go to Pruis Hall at 7PM tomorrow night to hear Mia Kirshner speak.

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I am thankful for friends like these.

Food: banana, juice, cookies, chocolate milk, leftover pot-pie innards (beans and rice), clementine, chips and guacamole, salad with sunflower seeds, decaf soy latte, almonds, broccoli

Exercise: walked the dogs

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Posted in Food, Grace

Chocolate Chip Pancakes. Lots of Them.

Posted on 14 January 2010 | 6 comments

Tonight I went with an old friend to IHOP, so I could fill out a form for her. She wants to be in ministry/leadership training at her church. She goes to Madison Park Church, which has the most janky survey/recommendation sheet that I have ever seen for ministry positions in a church their size. Despite the fact that this sheet was for lay-ministry positions, you would think that a church like theirs would be able to actually use proper grammar and spelling on its forms. Also, I wanted to ask whoever decided to put some of the questions on the form, would any of the disciples or early church leaders have qualified for leadership positions in your church?

Seriously, the first question asks if the person is clean, hygenic, and dressed appropriately. Well, sorry, John the Baptist, but your camel skin loin cloth just doesn’t cut it, so we’ve not approved you for leadership. And, it’s a little creepy the way you keep eating locusts and yelling about straight paths.  It scares the children, so we think you might consider simply being a parishioner rather than trying to be a leader.

The second question leaves Peter out: does this person have an appropriate attitude for ministry? Because Peter, Paul, John, and other disciples/early leaders always maintained proper attitudes and played fair. How many ministry partners did Paul go through?

I don’t remember all of the questions verbatim, but the third question pretty much excludes anyone who takes the verse that says, “If anyone comes to me, and does not hate father, mother, wife, children, brothers, and sisters, and even his or her own life, that person cannot be my disciple,” to heart. That Scripture, Luke 14:26, also throws out the question about mental health. Hating yourself is probably a sign of some mental illness, which theoretically disqualifies someone from leadership. I assume if the questions aren’t designed to weed people out based on their unfavorable characteristics, then they wouldn’t be asked. 

At any rate, I had lots of chocolate chip pancakes. It really makes no sense to run and bike and watch what I eat and then turn right around and eat seven pancakes covered with delicious chocolate chips and whipped cream. I couldn’t help myself; they had me at “All You Can Eat Pancakes 24 Hours a Day”! I also have two chocolate, chocolate chip pancakes in the refrigerator for breakfast tomorrow. Mmmm.

On the way to my house after dinner, we were talking about ethical corporations. I need to think more about my feelings toward companies attempting to live ethically. It is certainly one thing for a person to try to make ethical choices, but it is entirely another for an entire (sometimes multi-million dollar, several thousand employee) company to consistently make ethical choices.

It was interesting to hear Julie’s take on this topic since she has an MBA from Notre Dame. For the most part, I think we agree on this, but I am a little more strict on what I think it means to be an ethical business. Mostly, I think this is due to the fact that I want to hold companies to an individual ethical standard, forgetting that they are trying to make broad-scale decisions for many people and with a much more broad-sweeping impact on the world. Probably it is due to my lack of business experience and over-concern with some ethical issues.

I forget how difficult it is for me, as one person, to hold to my own created ethical standards. It must be infinite times more difficult for an entire company to uphold a consistent ethic. It’s sort of like extrapolating personal choices out multiple times and expecting them not to get watered down. How much more difficult is it to get a large group of people to buy into ethical ideas and behaviors and then to maintain those standards while still being able to make a profit? I would argue quite a bit.

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I am thankful that Jesus doesn’t require a questionnaire, and that I expect a certain level of corporate ethics from all businesses I support.

Exercise: walked from Burris to Puerto, from Burris to RB

Food: banana, juice, granola bar, potato enchiladas, rice, chips and salsa, decaf tall soy caramel macchiato, peanuts, chocolate chip pancakes

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Posted in Fat, Food, Grace, Relationships, Religion, Running