Category Archives: Just for Fun

P.S. Ms. Bern (CEO of Charming Shoppes, Inc.)

Posted on 11 March 2009 | Leave a comment

P.S. If you would add a concession stand in each of your stores, you might see your revenue increase. I know I could do with a nice refreshing beverage after grunting and sweating in and out of clothes in your tiny little dressing rooms. Why do you install heat lamps above them?

P.P.S. You could sell beer, too, but not Rogue’s XS Imperial Stout. The taste of the beer isn’t worth the ceramics wasted on the cool container, although I do like the little rubber stopper. My dislike for the beer has nothing to do with my lack of testes or testosterone. I simply like my beer to taste like beer, not bourbon. I am a machine when it comes to drinking beer. I don’t need more crankcase oil, which is what this beer tastes like. This reviewer, Dan, must have had a bit too much to drink before writing. In fact, I am sure Dan had the entire $15 bottle. Dan, it is always a bad idea to drink and write.

So, Ms. Bern, you should offer Cabernet, Shiraz, Avery’s Old World Porter, St. Peter’s English Ale, St. Peter’s Porter, Guinness, and Rogue’s Dead Guy Ale. Maybe for the Scottish lasses you could offer a Wee Heavy. How about some foot-long coney dogs and nachos, too?

P.P.P.S. Did I mention that you need to teach your machines how to sew on buttons? Mine are always falling off at inopportune times, like when I am teaching.

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Posted in Beer, Fat, Just for Fun, Teaching

Dear Lifetime Channel

Posted on 2 March 2009 | 4 comments

To whom it may concern:

I am writing about your recent decision to change the morning program line-up. Ever since The Golden Girls aired for the first time in 1985, I have been a great fan. I did not miss one episode in the entire seven years they were on air, and I watch a full hour of reruns on Lifetime each morning.

Lately, I have used the program as a tool with which to unwind each morning before doing my homework. Sometimes I used it as tool of procrastination to be sure, but I could always count on The Golden Girls to brighten my day. I have been feeling especially frazzled the past couple of weeks because I have not been sleeping well, so I look forward to Rose’s long inane stories, Blanche’s sexual escapades, Dorothy’s quick sarcastic wit, and Sophia’s old-world charm to prepare me for the long days I face as a graduate student.

Imagine my shock and disappointment this morning when I carried my freshly French-pressed Sumatra coffee with clove, cinnamon, and cardamom and my perfectly toasted bagel with cream cheese and habanero preserves into the living room to watch my girls. I laid out my breakfast, having eaten my banana in the kitchen while the water for the coffee boiled, and sat on the old, floral print couch. Holding the remote in my hand, I savored what would come next, but someone in your programming department had played a cruel trick.

“What the hell is this?” I asked myself when I saw Reba McEntire’s face looking out at me from the squarish frame of my old tube television set. I quickly—read frantically—scanned the programs before and after Reba. I thought maybe I had just been mistaken about the times, but my searching was to no avail. I am positive that The Golden Girls showed at 9:00 AM and again at 9:30 AM, and your website says they show from 8 AM-10 AM and again in the afternoon. However, this morning there was no sign of my special morning friends. You should update your webpage, because it is misleading and contributes to the already unstable psyche of the people (mostly women) who watch your channel.

So, here I sit, watching the History Channel and Billy Ray Cyrus as he hosts a program called Hillbilly: The Real Story, and trying to choke down my otherwise delicious breakfast. While I enjoy learning the true story of the Hatfields and the McCoys, the serpent handlings Appalachians don’t hold a candle in the wind to Dorothy, Rose, Sophia, and Blanche and their Miami shenanigans.

In closing, I would appreciate it if you would please return The Golden Girls to their rightful place on weekday mornings, and possibly for my pain and suffering, you should send me a photograph of The Golden Girls with the autographs of the remaining three golden girls. My very sanity hangs in the balance.

Sincerely,

A Fan

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Posted in Just for Fun

Pudge. The Pusher?

Posted on 22 February 2009 | 1 comment

Our cat, Pudge, is the guy who went to high school with me who always had pot and was always willing to share. I think that guy was my boyfriend until he changed. Until I lost him. Easy going and generous with bloodshot, large-pupiled eyes. He never wanted any money, but he was always benevolent.

Pudge is that cat. Slick and beautiful. I could see him saying in Cat-ese, “I got some shit, Man. Wanna go out behind the school and get high? You bring the cream soda and Cool Ranch Doritos, and I will take care of the rest.” I can see myself going with him. I might even fall in love.

*

I got up early this morning and went to Hartford City. I was going to surprise my parents by meeting them at church. They weren’t there, so I went downstairs and watched 1, 2, 3 Penguins with Kelley and the kids.

Then I went up to the sanctuary and found another Kelly to chat with. I went to breakfast with them, and had some tasty French Toast. I still haven’t figured out how to make exceptional French Toast. Maybe I never will.

We spent almost five hours occupying a booth at Richard’s. The whole time Ron, the owner, kept eye-balling us, willing us to leave with his smirk and stink eye.

We left the waitress thirteen bucks, which is more than she would have made from anyone else who would have sat there during her shift. Most people who go there leave less than a dollar. I know. My friend, Shannon, waited tables there during high school and part of college. Her tips always sucked.

*

I went to New Orleans with Shannon once. I told her she had nice orbs when I was drunk on Hurricanes and high on ghosty goodness. We were supposed to be looking for ghosts on a ghost tour, and right outside the Lalaurie Mansion, I told Shannon she had nice orbs. We didn’t even see any ghosts.  sergeev-lalaurie

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Posted in Just for Fun, Queer, Relationships, Writing

Stand By Me

Posted on 21 February 2009 | 2 comments

Sometimes things look more hopeful than other times. Sometimes you get good news and it gives you hope.

*

I want to start a piece of writing with: The first time he said he was a Trans-Man, I thought he said Trans-Am and the words took me back to the early 90s when every guy I knew had a run-down Trans-Am, Camaro, or Nova they were “fixing up.”

They were constantly talking about faulty trannies, souped up hot rod engines, sleepers, and paint jobs. There is something to being a Trans-Man and a Trans-Am having a faulty tranny. There is a bit of word slippage in the idea that somehow reminds of the dire need of men to guard and bolster their own masculinity. Is this accomplished by fixing their trannies? Is this accomplished by having a big engine that one does not suspect like in a sleeper? I need to tease this out more, but I know a stolen dildo and a leather harness figure in somewhere.

*

Right now, I am watching a movie that I should have seen years ago. When it came out, my mother wouldn’t let me watch Stand By Me because it was too violent and they swore too much. I think the story outweighs the unnecessary crudeness. In fact, the crudeness is a good part of the story of growing up. Isn’t it?

I wonder, am I better now for having seen it? I think so, but I will have to reflect more once I am finished wiping my warm, wet cheeks.

*

Today will be filled with writing. I have to write a letter of recommendation for a friend, my CV (resume), my educational philosophy, and a formal observation of one of my professors. I also have to read Jubilee, American Anatomies, The Queen of America Goes to Washington City, and two articles for one of my classes. It never ends.

*

I want to write some short-short memoir pieces to cobble together into one for publications. I need to revise the pieces I already have written and I need to send them out for publishing.

*

One day I will get everything done.

2 Comments

Posted in Just for Fun, Queer, School, Writing

A Gift Idea

Posted on 25 January 2009 | 2 comments

Here is a great gift idea—not for me—for someone you love. Not only can you feel good about the product, but you can feel good about the creator of it. Beautiful on many accounts, as far as I am concerned.

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Posted in Christmas, Gleaning, Just for Fun, Politics, Relationships, Religion, Writing