Category Archives: Relationships

Muddling Along on a Day That Was Supposed to Be Perfect

Posted on 30 December 2010 | 3 comments

Have you ever had one of those days? I have. Yesterday was a day that started off beautifully. I got up and walked the dogs a mile, playing in the snow along the way. The weather was just right, about 20º with no wind and no precipitation. When we got home we played inside for a bit, and then I went out for a run. The run was nice. I felt good. I ran the same route I ran a couple of days ago, only I ran it in reverse and about five minutes faster. When I got home, I made some delicious oatmeal and had a nice breakfast with some juice and my vitamins. I had everything in my backpack. I was ready to walk to Starbucks to grade. And then.

Someone sent me a text that ruined the day. You know how you have these things about yourself that you just embrace instead of trying to change? Those things that make you who you are? I have a few of those things about me that I fully embrace, but it seems like some people I know view these character traits as flaws. Sometimes, I can just say, “Fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke,” but other times the things people say really get to me. They make me look at those parts of myself I work so hard to embrace and question them. When I question them, suddenly I find myself comparing myself to everyone around me and coming up short. Then, of course, I just get sad, and I keep telling myself I can’t measure up and that I’ll never amount to anything. What bothers me is that I cover these feelings up really well, so even when I tell people to knock it off, they don’t stop. Like yesterday, when I told this person that the comments were getting old, the response was that they weren’t getting old for him/her. Seriously. I am asking you to stop, and you still don’t.

Sometimes I can’t handle it. I just want to leave and never look back.I spent the better portion of yesterday, the day that was supposed to be beautiful, doubting myself and beating myself up for being such a worthless slug. Then I realized. That person can just be an asshole, in fact, is an asshole. And that has no reflection on me. I can embrace those parts of myself that are a little out of step with the rest of American culture. I can embrace my inner-other-cultureness. I enjoy living my life the way I do. I think my easy-goingness is both a source of admiration and a source of frustration for my friends and family. But, frankly, I want to get back to the way I was before. I want to not care what other people think, and I want to just let things roll off my back. I suppose that’s my New Year’s resolution, along with others that I will list on the first. I am going to consciously work to do what I want, to let things roll off of me and not to impact me, and to not always have to know, to not always have to behave like a good little ladder climber. I like the bottom rungs. I should just revel in being close to the ground. And, then, when I do stumble, and I do fall, I won’t have far to go.

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Posted in Relationships

Egg Nog Waffles. Hookah Initiation. Joseph.

Posted on 22 December 2010 | Leave a comment

Let’s begin with Joseph. For some reason, whenever I hear of a meditation on Joseph of the Christmas story variety, I get a little pissed. In my mind, I wonder what else could possibly be said about a man who had so little to do withe actual Christmas story. As Sojourner Truth points outs about Jesus, “Where did your Christ come from? From God and a woman! Man had nothing to do with Him” (Ain’t I a Woman). For as little as Joseph appears to play a role in Christmas, the gospel of Matthew does spend the better portion of the first chapter giving Joseph’s lineage. I assume that means that even though Jesus isn’t technically Joseph’s son, Joseph is still important in the life of Jesus and in the eschatological timeline of the Christian church.

Despite my reluctance to recognize Joseph as someone worthy of lengthy discussions at Christmastime, and despite my desire to scream, “Can’t just one Christian holiday be about how God used a WOMAN?!?”, I have to admit that God sometimes goes to extreme measures to get me off my high horse. This time, though, a simple article did the trick. And, what’s even better is I found this short meditation by accident, via Twitter. Frank Viola writes in Remember Joseph: Rethinking Righteousness, “Today, I’d like to give Joseph his due. By my lights, Joseph was one of the most righteous men who ever lived.” That’s a pretty powerful statement. More righteous than Noah? More righteous than Job? More righteous than (fill in any person who is described in Jewish Scripture as blameless or righteous)? Really.

Viola continues by explaining Joseph’s righteousness like this, “I’m sure Joseph’s blood boiled when he heard that the woman who was betrothed to him in marriage was pregnant . . . and not by him. But because he was a righteous man, he showed mercy. He treated her as if he were in her own shoes and was guilty of what he had assumed she did.” Um, yeah. How many of us would’ve done what Joseph did? How many of us would stand beside someone who was in Mary’s shoes? Think about it really hard. Would you? Would I? Could we do it without patting ourselves on our backs or privately commenting that we are just doing it because that’s what a good Christian would do? Can we live as Viola describes Joseph? He writes “It is to react like Jesus, living void of self-righteousness.” This is the part of this meditation I loved. Viola reminds us to be vigilant in our dealings with others, because our own character is really what God is testing and proving. This holiday season can I behave this way? Can I live void of self-righteousness?

*

I initiated my hookah today. I used molasses tobacco, and spent about half an hour listening to Christmas music, contemplating life, and smoking shisha. I love being Greek, and I need to go to Greece sometime in order to experience where I come from. THe only drawback to going there is that I’m afraid I won’t want to come back!

*

I took the dogs for about a two-mile walk this morning, and when I got home I realized the reason I love breaks and summer is the ability to live slowly. I got up at 7:30 AM. walked the dogs around 8 AM, and made breakfast around 9 AM. This is the way my life is supposed to go. Slow, easy mornings. Now it’s noon and I have already exercised, made food from scratch, done laundry, relaxed, socialized via Twitter and Facebook, and written more than I have on any day since school started. Come to me summer, and don’t fail me Winter Break! On break, it’s all about the victuals.

Delicious vegan Egg Nog Waffles (substitute ground flax seed and water for the eggs) I made for breakfast! Yummy.

And the delicious dish I am calling Penne and Faux Sho Cheese that I made for lunch.

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Posted in Christmas, Feminism, Food, Relationships, Religion, School, Teaching, Vegetarian or Vegan, Writing

Diligence. Running. Diet. Merideth. Attitudes.

Posted on 3 December 2010 | 1 comment

It’s difficult for me to keep up with this blog since no one can actually see it anymore. I know now how my students feel when they write essays that are simply for my eyes, so I know that my teaching will be entirely different next year from what it is this year. It’s really hard to come here time and again to write, just like it is really hard for them to muster up any level of caring about their writing when they view it as simply an assignment. Next year, I am hoping to help them do assignment that will have a bit more exposure, more influence in their culture. But for now, I will occasionally write for you, my faithful and devoted reader(s), and they will write for me and each other. It’s an exercise in non-profit diligence.

I wish I didn’t teach until 9AM. If so, I could run in the morning without having to get up at 5AM. I am not so much fun when I get up at 5AM. In fact, I am quite grumpy when I get up at 5AM. You wouldn’t want to be around me when I get up at 5AM. Seriously, 5AM is bad. For me. However, what running I can eek out is going well. I am back to pre-injury speed, which in the running world, is more like a slow walk compared to where I should be for my age. I blame it on my girth. I’d like to strap a one-hundred backpack on some of these scrawny little runners and see how fast they go then!  They’d then be thrilled they could move their 200-plus-pound frame across flat land at 12:30 a mile. That’s pretty fast for a rounder! 🙂

The diet has changed. I am trying to only eat whole foods. The 1200-1500 calorie thing worked for about two weeks until I felt as if I was starving to death. Along with not liking to wake up at 5AM, I really don’t like to wake up hungry. When my stomach’s growling is more effective than my alarm clock, I realize I am no longer dieting. I am then starving myself. I am trying to transition to eating things like sweet potatoes, broccoli, barley, oats, nuts. You know, whole foods. I feel better, but last night I caved to a craving and ate pizza. Without cheese of course. And tonight I am having some beer and probably some other unhealthy food, like fries or whatnot.

On a very different note, I’d love (still) to go into business with Merideth to open the “Hoot and Whatnot,” the coffeehouse/bar/bookstore/general store conglomeration that we fantasized about so long ago. I can’t wait until Christmastime when she and her sister are going to be here. I only wish the time would be longer, and the days less packed with family events. Everything changes, but everything’s changed. We’re old. We’re married. She pregnant. We can’t just lie around all day eating peanut M&Ms and watching bad movies. We have to behave like adults. Sigh.

Adults. How do they behave? Badly, usually. I am trying with all of my might to help my workplace not be such a den of negativity. It’s like the beginning to Richard 3, “Now is the winter of our discontent,” only without it “made glorious summer by this son of York.” It’s just a pit of despair.

I am hoping to make it into sunshines and rainbows!

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Posted in Beer, Christmas, Family, Fat, Goals, Relationships, Running, Teaching, Writing

Some Excerpts. Some Emerson. A bit of self-reflection.

Posted on 31 October 2010 | 2 comments

excerpt from “Mormon Missionaries Pay Me a Visit”
by Ken Hada

I’m sitting on my lawn
enjoying a nice blunt cigar
watching children ride scooters
up and down the street
twilight gently falling,
swallows circling,
Mississippi Kites high overhead,
tree frog, sounds of sweet shadows

[. . .]

If I convert do I have to give up this cigar?

They are not sure
but soon get back on track
like a loose wheel wobbling
until they finally bid me good evening.
I watch them roll away
and wonder
what gives them the audacity to interrupt me
while I am at worship

excerpt from “Fix You”
by Coldplay

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

excerpt from “Some of Us”
by Starsailor

Some of us laugh, some of us cry,
Some of us smoke, some of us lie,
But it’s all just the way that we cope with our lives.

My wandering soul found solace at last,
I wanted to know how long it would last.

As usual I have been way over-thinking the nature of human interactions. For whatever reason, this week each of the three excerpts above really encouraged me to think about how I react to my life, to my experiences, and to other people and their lives and experiences. By this I mean that I have been challenged once again to re-evaluate those relationships in my life which are difficult and to think about how I can more fully respond to those people in my life who take a lot of energy.

I especially like the first excerpt, because it makes me stop and think about the ways in which different people worship, thereby interacting with our Creator. Hada writes about how he wonders “what gives them the audacity to interrupt me while I am at worship,” and I wonder how many times, especially when I was younger, I have interrupted someone who was already worshiping in order to explain to them how my understanding of God is better than theirs or to try to sway him or her into my way of thinking. This rings particularly true of me in middle school and early high school when I was so involved with the right-wing evangelical Wesleyan Church. I would drop everything for the chance to pray the “Sinner’s Prayer” with a wayward soul, so I wonder how many times people wished I would just leave them alone to worship in their way. Sometimes I look back and think I was little like Hilary Faye on Saved!.

I needed someone, when I was at a younger age, to help me understand that our different faiths are not weapons to be used against each other. I needed to realize much earlier that I should be more like the character of Mary. At this age, today, I am slightly envious of those people who grow up without this extremely conservative and mixed-up phase in their lives. I meet so many fantastic students today who will likely not look back, wondering what the heck they were doing in middle school. They will look back and ask about other things, but not why they were proselytizing their friends in such ridiculous ways.

I have come to realize, possibly way too late in life, that one person’s porch-sitting, cigar-smoking, enjoyment of life and nature is another person’s going-to-church, wearing-Sunday-best, singing-some-praise-songs worship. Both are good, but many times the former strikes at Ralph Waldo Emerson’s point in “Self-reliance”: “If you maintain a dead church, contribute to a dead Bible-society, vote with a great party either for the government or against it, spread your table like base housekeepers, — under all these screens I have difficulty to detect the precise man you are. [. . .] But do your work, and I shall know you. Do your work, and you shall reinforce yourself. A man must consider what a blindman’s-buff is this game of conformity. If I know your sect, I anticipate your argument.” Too frequently, as Emerson notes, we let our leaders speak for us, and we merely become parrots of their party line.

I suppose the other two excerpts, while helping to illustrate Emerson’s point, simply serve to remind me that each person we come in contact with carries baggage, each person hides scars, and each person lives with guilt, shame, and remorse. Each person is a wondering soul, looking for solace. Each person has lost something that can’t be replaced. But, there is hope, there is grace, there is love. By coping with life, we each tap into that deeply human part of life that we all share. Those dark recesses of the human mind, those highlights of the human soul, they work together to help us recognize the humanity in each other, however difficult it is to detect.

*

Being the horrible fat studies scholar that I am, as of tomorrow, I am going to try to lose 30 lbs. by February 14 when I start training for the marathon. I think it might help me to be less injury prone, and I know it will help me to run faster. In order to try to lose this weight, I am going to keep running four times a week while only consuming from 1200-1500 calories a day. This will be a huge cut for me, since I generally eat 1800 to 2000 calories per day. I plan to do this by eating more whole grains, more vegetables and fruits, no soda, no unnecessary sugars, no lattes, no hot chocolate. I am not generally a “dieter,” but I NEED to finish this marathon. I NEED to do it for me. Selfish? Yes. Also, I suppose people will get tired of hearing, “I am sorry I can’t meet with you, but I have a XXX-mile run today.” My new goal marathon is Grandma’s Marathon in Minnesota. It’s on June 16, and I will have to make a weekend of it, but it’s worth it to (sometimes) run along the shore of Lake Superior.

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Posted in Goals, Relationships, Religion, Running

Sleeping and Waking. Injuring and Running. All in a days work.

Posted on 16 October 2010 | 4 comments

I would teach from nine to four, sleep an hour, and write from six until midnight, night after night.—Marguerite Young

I wish I was this motivated.

I should be. There is no reason I am not.

But, I am not.

So, instead, I teach from 8AM to 3PM—or 4 or 5 if I have a meeting—everyday, coming home to walk dogs, eat dinner, grade, then couch. Instead of writing, I fondle the remote control, waiting for some titillating piece of cinematic prowess to stimulate my mind into wanting to write or read or do anything productive. What I do instead of doing anything remotely academic or intellectual is I fall asleep watching Jeopardy before 8PM. Then I get up at  an ungodly hour in the morning to grade or to read or to plan my day. It’s sad, really.

I thought this weekend would be different. I thought I had a no-fail plan for catching up on all those things I should have done during the weekends when I was otherwise engaged, be my engagement in conferences or traveling or whatnot (side note: I cannot believe whatnot is in the computer dictionary, and that there is no little red line telling me it’s spelled wrong or not really a word.). I thought this would be the work weekend to end all work weekends, but my neighbors and their dog had another plan.

As I slept peacefully on the couch downstairs where I had fallen asleep watching Bones, I heard a loud commotion outside. I discovered that much like every other weekend since they moved in, my neighbors were having a drunken conversation on their front porch. This conversation was taking place in that I’m-trying-to-be-quiet-but-since-I’m-drunk-I’m-really-being-louder-than-usual radio newscaster’s voice. All monotone and spacey.

They were talking about the beers they were drinking; at least they’re drunken beer snobs, so I get to hear all about different, good beeers, instead of then pontificating about the ins-and-outs of beer pong or Asshole. At any rate, the dog must have had to go pee, because they let her out. Normally, she stays in their yard, does her business, and then goes back inside. But, I am sure, since she’s a smart dog, that she recognized the fortuitous twist of fate, the fact that they were so drunk they didn’t realize they hadn’t put her back in the house, and decided to come over into our yard for a bit. Which wouldn’t have been a bad idea if she would have simply stayed quiet and in the front yard.

However, she decided that it might be nice to go to the back and start snooping around, sniffing by the garage door, and nosing around in our back yard. This one, seemingly miniscule, action resulted in my being up from around 115AM when they awakened me with their revelry until about 5AM when they finally got their dog back in the house, and I finally calmed mine down for the third time. Yes, there were three cycles of Jane (their dog) barking and carrying on, which incited Sydney, who got Celie all riled up, who then got Lily all howly, and then I would come thumping down the stairs to quiet them down. On round number two, I took our dogs outside to pee so they could see that it was just Jane who was in their space. They didn’t really care. They didn’t want anyone in their space at 2AM.

Finally, after this second round, after I startled one of the neighbors while he was peeing in a bush, and after he decided to get Jane into the house, I stayed downstairs, sleeping on the couch until the third round of barking which must have been inadvertently stimulated by a squirrel or something in the backyard. Once those dogs get wacky, there’s almost no calming them down! I fell asleep watching Criminal Minds around 5AM. I should have used the time to write or read, but as per usual, I couched and remoted. I woke up about an hour-and-a-half later and went back upstairs to bed. I got up at 815ishAM. Needless to say, I am worthless today, so I am going to try to read the rest of the books I need to read. It’s about all I’m good for.

*

I finally went to the doctor for my ankle, and I have to wear heel cups, do stretches, and massage it with ice frozen in Dixie cups. I am going to start running again on Tuesday, but I have decided to move my runs to the afternoon, just when I get home from school and after I walk the dogs. I am going to start at the very beginning, so I don’t re-injure my ankle. My hope in running in the evening is that I will be able to run out the stress of the day and run in some energy to read and write for the evening. I figure if I can get to the point where I can get home, walk the dogs, and run by 530PM, I will have an hour for a nap/leisure time before Bec gets home. (I may have to reverse the order of the nap and the run.) Then, I will be more energized. Also, I am going to try to avoid the TV and the Internet between 630PM and 930PM or 10PM. Maybe this will help me get more focused as well.

One thing I will also have to work on is the way I eat. I have been eating like crap lately: lots of cookies, candy, animal products, and soda. I am not sure why I do this to myself, because I feel much healthier when I don’t eat these things. I love grape soda, so I am not sure I want to cut it completely, and a couple of Oreos won’t hurt either. I just need to stop eating ten or twelve Oreos and a couple of sodas each day. On top of regular food! It’s silly, really. And, I will need to stop the caffeine intake, too. No more Americanos that aren’t decaf.

Not only will I need to change what I eat, but when I eat. Seemingly, it would work better to eat more for an early breakfast when I first get up , hopefully by 430 each morning. Then by eating more for lunch, too, I will be able to run five hours later and skip dinner, having popcorn and an apple for a light snack before bed.

*

So here I go again setting goals I may not keep. The goal date for the following is July 22, 2011, my birthday:

  1. Finish a marathon.
  2. Stop shaving my head. Let it grow for Locks-of-Love.
  3. Spend at least half an hour reading the Bible, praying, and contemplating God each day.
  4. Have 75% of my students grow one academic year’s growth.
  5. Finish two chapters of my dissertation.
  6. Run 1000 miles.
  7. Stay vegan.
  8. Learn to say only what is necessary. Listen more than talk.
  9. Read one new book and one magazine from cover to cover each week. Follow the news.
  10. Finish painting the outside of the house.

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Posted in Birthday Crisis, Coffee, Dissertation, Fat, Food, Goals, Reading, Relationships, Religion, Running, School, Teaching, Vegetarian or Vegan, Writing