Category Archives: Relationships

A Great Summer Ahead?

Posted on 26 April 2010 | 6 comments

As it turns out, I didn’t get a summer assistantship, so I will be living on tax money and student loans. Any other time I would be really weird about not getting an assistantship, but I am going through a major “I don’t care” phase right now. It will be nice to take this summer off with nothing to do but finish projects around the house, finish the dissertation proposal, play disc golf, and run. I will be a little more in debt when the summer ends. Then so be it. I’m already wallowing in debt as it is.

I attribute this phase to the fact that I have been buffeted on all sides this semester by people who think they are doing the world a favor by maligning me. One of the maligners reminds me of Hillary Faye in the movie Saved.

There is a scene in the movie in which Roland (Culkin) is watching Hillary Faye (Moore) abuse Mary (Malone). He says to Hillary Faye, “You have everything, Hillary Faye. What are you afraid of?” I want to ask a couple of people this same question: “You have everything. What are you afraid of?” I suppose my friend Monica is right: these people have no control of any other part of their lives, so they find it necessary to manipulate and control others. I always wonder why, though, I seem to be a favorite target. If anyone has any idea, could you please let me know. I am perfectly willing to admit to any part that I have in this fiasco, but I am having a hard time seeing what I have done to deserve the treatment I have received. I want the nightmares I have that are induced by these people to stop coming so frequently. And, frankly, I am getting tired of being the rug that people wipe their feet on. Thanks, I’d like my self-assuredness back now.

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I am beginning to get nervous about the IndyMini because I was sick all week last week and only got to run about 15 miles, if that much. My sinuses are rebelling because of the increase in pollen, but they have relaxed this week so I should be back in good shape come tomorrow morning’s run. I think I am going to try for a nice, slow five-miler that I know won’t compare to Friday morning’s beautiful four along Lake Shore Drive and Navy Pier. The sun was just peeking over the horizon and the booms and clicks of the lighthouse warning systems were sounding. The seagulls were screeching and the lake was slapping up against the wooden poles of the pier, and all I could think about was how I wondered if the people who get to run there every morning know how lucky they are. I figure they take it for granted after a while, but maybe there are a few of them who know it’s a privilege to be able to soak in the pleasure of the shore every day.

I also wondered why I always want to be anywhere, anytime but where or when I am. I spend a lot of time worrying about the future, trying to make up for the past, and not reveling in the present. I am trying to learn mindfulness. I am trying to just be. But I am having such a difficult time with it.

6 Comments

Posted in Disc golf, Dissertation, Relationships, School

Things I Am Afraid Of or My Phobias

Posted on 18 April 2010 | 5 comments

The title of this post sounds a bit like an essay that I would never assign to any of my critical writing classes, but it is one that I would assign every semester to any creative writing class I might teach. I think this is a fascinating topic for many reason. One: I think our phobias say a lot about who we are. Two: By writing about our phobias, we get to explore not only what we are afraid of, but also why we are afraid of it. Three: Who doesn’t love delving a little bit deeper into her own psyche just to find out that the irrational fears she faces everyday are possibly very rational. Here are my phobias that I would like to one day write about:

  1. Haphephobia: A fear of being touched—I don’t liked to be touched for pretty much any reason. I don’t like to hug people or to have them walk up next to me and put their arms around me. So, if you have ever received a hug from me, consider your self lucky.
  2. Vaccinophobia: A fear of vaccinations—I think vaccinations are a ridiculous waste of time and money. We have diseases for natural population control, and we have vaccinations so large pharmaceutical companies can make money. Plain as that.
  3. Scatophobia: A fear of fecal matter—I don’t mind my own poop, but yours better not come near me. Also, I have a dog who I think is scatophobic because he literally runs away from his poop every morning.
  4. Pnigophobia or Pnigerophobia: Fear of choking of being smothered—This actually also extends out into a fear of drowning. Really I am afraid of not being able to breathe: drowning, choking, asthma, suffocation, or strangling.
  5. Nyctohylophobia: Fear of dark wooded areas or of forests at night—This actually has more to do with a fear I used to have when I had my Jeep. Whenever I would have all the windows and doors off, I was always afraid a deer would jump in when I was driving past a cornfield. It would then proceed to bite me in the next or hoof me to death. Since I love to camp, I think my fear has more to do with the deer.
  6. Gephyrophobia or Gephydrophobia or Gephysrophobia: Fear of crossing bridges—This only applies to really high bridges in interstates: The Chicago Skyway, a bridge in Milwaukee, the bridge to South Padre, one in Corpus Christi, and one in Dayton.
  7. Emetophobia- Fear of vomiting—Seriously, I will bargain with God to keep from throwing up. Ew.
  8. And, probably my most serious fear whose name I cannot locate: falling through the upstairs  floor into the level below—When I lived in an apartment on any floor but the first, sometimes I would have difficulty falling to sleep at night because I would worry about my bed (with me in it) falling through the floor into the apartment below. I would imagine myself waking up in the first floor apartment with its inhabitants staring at me. Now, since our bedroom is just above the dining room table, I think that the bed might fall through and land on the table and then the whole lot of us will end up in the basement with the cat litter pans. Ugh.

So goes my list of irrational fears.

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I am thankful for people who understand my idiosyncrasies.

Food: I ate everything in sight. It happens on the first day of, and the few days leading up to, your period. Sue me.

Exercise: See above sentence. I was too lethargic to exercise. Tomorrow, though, I am going to kick the heck out of five miles.

5 Comments

Posted in Food, Just for Fun, Just Random Stuff, Personal, Relationships, Running, Writing

I Wanna Live Here. I Signed Up.

Posted on 16 April 2010 | 2 comments

I was surfing around online yesterday and started fantasizing about living in Door County. More specifically, I imagined moving to Washington Island, though I am not sure what I would do for a job there. Hey, it’s a fantasy. It’s imaginary, so I can do whatever I want. I decided I want to live here. And then I thought, well, since this is a fantasy, I might choose this one. The only drawback is that it only has two bedrooms, so when people came to visit they could only come two at a time. 🙂

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I think I have been consumed by the running bug. I haven’t simply been bitten by it; it’s eating me alive, which isn’t a bad thing. Rather, I would say it is a very good thing. In fact, it’s such a good thing that I can honestly say I feel better than I have ever felt.

Even in high school when I swam all the time, I didn’t feel as healthy or as in tune with the world as I feel now. There is nothing that beats the feeling of running along next to the river, listening to the water slip past the jagged rocks slowly wearing them down, refining them. As I run, I think about how I, too, am being refined, polished.

Tomorrow is a 10 mile training run for the Indy-Mini which is only a few short weeks away on May 8. The 10 mile run is the longest training run on the plan, and I am going to try hard not to think about how it is only half as long as the longest run on the marathon training plan I have chosen. Really, there are twelve runs in the 18 week plan I have chosen that are longer than 10 miles. I just keep telling myself I can do it. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can, said the Little Engine.

Possibly the thing I love the most about running is the solitude of it. There is no way for me to deny that I love some time alone. In fact, I probably require more time alone than most people do, because it takes quite a bit of energy for me to be with people. There are some people I love to be around, who require little to no energy, but then there are others who just leave me feeling like a child’s new Christmas toy that has been played with until it doesn’t move anymore. A little rung out. In order to get over that feeling, sometimes I just need to get away.

On November 6, I am going to get away for about 5.5 or 6 hours while I run my first marathon. I know, I am a little obsessed with this topic right now, but I have to exult about the fact that I just registered for the Indianapolis Monumental Marathon. I spent $60 of my hard-earned money in order to run for a ridiculously long time. I suppose this will give me a measure of my ability to go the long haul. I think relying on my friends, like Molly and Nagelkirk, will be my biggest asset in this long, arduous process. I have to say that I am torn between wanting to rejoice and wanting to throw up.

Twenty-six point two miles.

26.2.

20+6+0.2

2 x 13.1

A really long way.

Here’s the course map: Marathon_Map_full_perspectiveWEB It should open quite nicely for you.

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Haphephobia: A morbid fear of being touched.

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I spent about two hours today working on my dissertation, and I plan to spend a couple more tonight. I think once I go through it one more time, it will be ready to send out to the committee. Excitement: I will send it out tonight.

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I am thankful for too many things to list today!

Food: banana, juice, short bread, iced coffee, bean/rice/veggie/cheese quesadilla, pasta, M&Ms

Exercise: walked the dogs two miles, eleven-mile bike ride

2 Comments

Posted in Biking, Dissertation, Food, Just for Fun, Relationships, Running

Exit Facebook. Fat Festivities. Little Bit of Runnin’.

Posted on 14 April 2010 | 5 comments

I made a bold move last night and deactivated my Facebook account. I decided to delete myself because I have spent too much time on the computer lately, choosing to talk to people through a keyboard and a screen instead of simply calling them or going to do something with them. I could have spent the weekend playing disc golf with Ed, but instead I stayed inside on the computer. I didn’t get any of my grading finished, nor did I get my dissertation proposal finished like I should have. I haven’t been writing here as frequently as I should, and I haven’t written anything creative either. All of this happened because I was compulsively checking Facebook. So, I decided to be more intentional and more mindful about my friendships. The only thing I regret is the fact that I won’t have contact with my cousins, but I figure that I can get their phone numbers or email addresses from my brother.

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My friends, Sarah and Elizabeth, and I are going to submit a proposal to another fat studies conference. Sarah is possibly going to talk about pedagogy, Elizabeth is going to discuss pieces of a graphic novel about 18th century fat-guys, and I am going to talk about my high school students’ perceptions of fat and the ways we work to overcome their stereotypes/misunderstandings of fat. I am excited because if we get into the conference, it means that we get to spend several days with each other after just seeing each other for a week during the summer. And, I am looking forward to possibly meeting a friend of hers from Nebraska.

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This morning I ran five miles, which seemed like an eternity. I kept thinking that a marathon is five times as long as what I ran this morning. I got a little discouraged, but then I thought about the fact that I am running 13.1 miles in a few weeks, which is 13.1 times as far as I could run a year ago. Surely, in six months I can double that distance. Right?

I ran past the two cutest older women. They moved over as I ran past, and I said, “That isn’t necessary. I am really slow. I promise I won’t run over you!” The one lady smiled and said, “It’s her first time out here walking, so I’m trying to teach her the rules.” I loved it, and I wanted to ask her if she could please explain the rules to other people who use the trail. It would be so nice if people in Muncie knew the rules of trail usage.

Small things like saying. “Bike on your left!” from far enough away for people to move their three cantankerous dogs off  to the right side of the trail would be amazing. Runners who don’t have their headphones turned up so high that they can’t hear bikers who actually yell, “Bike on the left!” would be an amazing addition to the Greenway as well. I mean there are common courtesies (rules) that users of trails should follow. I suppose it’s too much to ask for people who move under their own power to follow rules when people who drive lethal weapons everyday can’t follow the rules. Ugh.

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I am thankful for freedom.

Food: banana, juice, almonds, fruit snacks, chai latte, two pieces of pizza, rock ‘n’ rye, salad with garbonzo beans, cheese quesadilla

Exercise: ran five miles, walked from Burris to Irving Gym, walked the dogs 1.5 miles, one hour of racquetball

5 Comments

Posted in Disc golf, Dissertation, Fat, Relationships, School, Teaching, Writing

Think Before You Speak

Posted on 12 April 2010 | 2 comments

Take the heterosexual survey here.

2 Comments

Posted in Just Random Stuff, Politics, Queer, Relationships, Rhetoric