Category Archives: Relationships

Snow and Brokenness

Once a year, I like snow. Today is that day. I won’t still like it tomorrow. I wouldn’t have liked it yesterday. Today is the only day I will like it. And it is beautiful!

Falling in small concise flakes with an occasional conglomeration of them posing as a larger flake or two, the snow has made the usual greyness of Muncie a pristine white. I won’t say the snow has blanketed the city—that would be cliche.

Is it cliche to say that the snow only covers the sins of the world, but the snow doesn’t make them disappear? Is it cliche to say that the snow is a bandage with a wound festering under it? Is it cliche to wish that melting snow would leave behind healing and love?

Today’s snow may be beautiful, but its’ beauty doesn’t change the fact that the world is broken. People hurt and people suffer. We no longer live in Eden. We have yet to see paradise.

I just had a conversation with a woman who is becoming a friend. I wanted to remove her sorrow like the non-beating heart it is. I wanted to make it better, then, but I can’t. I wanted to tell her it will all be okay. I can’t promise that. Things don’t always work out. If they did, we’d have nothing to celebrate.

Today, I celebrate the snow. I celebrate Walt Whitman and his ability to understand. I refrain from singing the body electric, but “I Sit and Look Out” is one of my favorite poems of his:

I sit and look out upon all the sorrows of the world, and upon all the oppression and shame,

I hear secret convulsive sobs from young men at anguish with themselves, remorseful after deeds done,

I see in low life the mother misused by her children, dying, neglected, gaunt, desperate.

I see the wife misused by her husband, I see the treacherous seducer of young women,

I mark the ranklings of jealousy and unrequited love attempted to be hid, I see these sights on on the earth,

I see the workings of battle, pestilence, tyranny, I see martyrs and prisoners,

I observe a famine at sea, I observe sailors casting lots who shall be kill’d to preserve the lives of the rest,

I observe the slights and degradations cast by arrogant persons upon laborers, the poor, and upon negroes, and the like;

All these—all the meanness and agony without end I sitting look out upon,

See, hear, and am silent.

Walt wasn’t silent, though. He wrote it all down. Sometimes the written word resounds more fully than the spoken.

Whitman amazes me because he wrote such sad, and anguished poems as “I Sit and Look Out,” but he also wrote about beauty and life. Take for example this short poem: “I see the sleeping babe nestling the breast of its mother,/ The sleeping mother and babe—hushed, I study them long and long.” How beautiful!

Maybe a better metaphor for the snow is this: The earth is cradled in the bosom of snow. I feel cradled today. I want to study the snow long and long.

First Day and No Class

When I was undergrad I always tried to get my schedule to work out so that I would only have class on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I remember why I loved it. Today is the first day of the new semester and I get to stay in my pajamas at home. I don’t have class until tomorrow, so I am taking advantage of my last day of vacation by walking the dogs, running, reading, writing, and basically sitting around.

This semester is even better because I only have one actual classroom class on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 330-445. The rest of my classes are independent studies or just sitting in on other classes. The bulk of my work this semester is in the form of studying for comps. I need to have my book list finished as soon as possible so I can spend the rest of the semester and the summer studying.

And, I am spending the day today waiting. Tomorrow I am going to see one of my best friends from seminary. He has lived in Texas since we graduated, pastoring a Church of God. I am pretty excited about seeing him because we were such good friends and I have missed him more than I thought I had.

The last time I saw Feirtag was at graduation and then it was all awkward and we just wanted to get the hell out of there. I won’t ever forget how we helped each other through so much during those three years. He wasn’t the only one. But if I had to pick three people who helped me the most during those times he would be one of the three.

You know how sometimes you see someone every day and you take them for granted. Then when you don’t see them, you really don’t miss them because you took them for granted. This is how I feel about most of my friends from seminary. It is not how I feel about the actual experience of seminary. For the most part, that experience was strange, alienating, and spiritually trying. But I think if I called any one of them up today, we could take up like old times.

I guess I will see tomorrow. Today I will wait.

On another note, yesterday’s sermon was good. I mean really good. I told Bec on the way home that I could stand to trade Sundays—Matt then David—which is a huge compliment to both men.

I think I am a pretty hard parishioner to please when it comes to the sermon. I don’t deal well with gimmicky three point sermons, and I don’t want to be entertained. I want to hear the word, and to hear it wrestled with and rolled around until its meaning is fully extracted.

Preachers get extra points if they include a point that I hadn’t already considered when I read the text. Not that I think I am so smart, but if I thought of every point made in the sermon in the five minutes I had before church to consider the text, then someone (read this to be the preacher) is getting paid for doing what I could do in five minutes.

Yes, I am a little hard on ministers. After all, they are the voice of the Church and that voice should be new every morning like God’s compassion. The voice of the Church shouldn’t bring the same stale message—the voice should cry out in the wilderness bringing a new revolutionary message. As Matt said, it is then our job to go out and meet the revolution and to be transformed by its mystery and grace.

On yet another note, last Sunday Dave spoke about our goal for our church for the year: peace and grace. I think those two words are worthy of body art. Our entire mission as Christians should always be peace and grace, should it not?

This is for you David:canada_flag_peace_symbol_l

Christmas comes but once a year.

Yesterday was Christmas.

My grandma came to my parents’ house with my Aunt Zoe and Uncle Fred. They also brought my cousin Bart.

My grandma sat demented on the couch for most of the day. She picked her lip until bled when she thought they weren’t coming back to get her. At four o’clock she began to panic. Would she make it back to the nursing home in time for dinner? She picked her lip some more.

She said that Becky talks nasty and wouldn’t sit on the couch with her.

She didn’t like the pictures of my mom that her college roommate had given to her. They were of my mom and her friends being silly in their dorm rooms in Painter. Studebaker was the same in the sixties as it was in the nineties when I lived there. It looks different now.They finally remodeled.

My cousin Bart still annoyed my brother. He still gravitated toward me. He didn’t change a bit in the 10 years—give or take a couple—that he was in prison. Now he sells Kirby vacuum cleaners door to door. I did learn how to make moonshine in a trash bag with commisary oranges and a loaf of bread. He said it tastes like hell but it’ll get you there. I wanted to ask where it took him behind those bars. I didn’t. I might one day.

The rest of Christmas was good. My family has given up buying gifts from the stores for each other. I like it. I got several bags of different types of Christmas treats, “Momma Sandy’s” dry oatmeal mix, a tie-dye shirt made by the special ed. students at the middle school where my mom teaches, a photograph taken by my brother of a viaduct with writing on it, and a candle-box with four candles and a cedar front made by my father.

The saying in the photograph is something like “Generosity isn’t measured by how much we give, but by how much we keep.” That pretty much sums up how I feel about it. The things we keep sort of point out what we aren’t willing to give up. My brother runs past that saying every day. I would like to run past it, too.

Finally, I was saddened to hear that Eartha Kitt died yesterday, but how fitting that the woman who began the Santa Baby tradition would die on Christmas. Eighty-one years is a long time to spin on this ball of dirt, and as long as she got a sable under her tree, I am sure she didn’t mind checking out on the holiday that catapulted her stardom that one last grand notch.

kitt

Clue, Lounging, and Grades

I am watching the movie Clue for about the gajillionth time. Yes, gajillionth is a word because I say it is. You could try looking in the OED, but they are a little behind on words like gajillion and fucktard and sextastic. Incidentally, if you click on the spell-checker suggestions for those three words, you find  gazillion, fuckhead, and sarcastic as replacements for them. However, when you run spell check again, the words are again highlighted, but no alternatives are suggested. Weird. Conspiratorial.

I got the urge to watch this movie again when I looked at a friend’s Facebook page. She posted a game in which she had to post quotes from movies, and we, her friends, had to guess where the quotes came from. One was from Clue. Specifically, it was from the ending where Miss Scarlet argues with Wadsworth over the number of bullets in the gun.

I have three or four movies that I watch whenever I can’t sleep because I have seen them so many times, I usually fall asleep after the first fifteen minutes or so. The movies in no particular order are Heathers, Clue, 9 to 5, and Adam’s Family. These are also four of my favorite movies, so don’t make any hateful comments about how they put me to sleep because they are poorly made or low quality films. I will just have to ignore you if you do.

Today was the first day after the end of the worst semester of my life. As I have said before I should have listened to Debbie when she told me to only take three classes. I think I could have done it when I was younger, but I just didn’t have the energy to get things done the way I wanted to get them done.

Which brings me to my grades. I already know I have one B+ and that will likely be two. I think I got As in my creative writing classes, but Bs in both of my literature classes. Is there something wrong with this picture?

If I remember correctly, I am a literature major! I just couldn’t focus the way I needed to in order to write two twenty-page seminar papers, one ten-page academic paper, and one ten-to-twelve-page memoir essay. It happens, and I know that the paper I gave Debbie was horrible. I agree with her—there were some salvageable ideas in the paper—but I just couldn’t work on it any longer. It’s over now.

It’s over and I get to take some time for myself. I am reading two books right now: One Hundred Years of Solitude and Echoing Silence. I spent the entire day re-recreating my on-line existence in this blog, going grocery shopping, and hanging out with David and Tim while they played Mario Kart at high volume.

Revamping the blog took a few hours because I had to go back through my old blogs and figure out how to categorize them. I think the only thing I don’t like about Word Press is that I can’t not put a category for my posts because it says “Uncategorized” under it, which is incredibly tacky. I went through the first seven or so and categorized them because they show on my home page, but the rest I left.

Going grocery shopping was an exercise in insanity. Today, the Saturday before Christmas, is not when you want to be at Walmart. I can safely say that no day is a good day to be at Walmart, but the Saturday before Christmas if the worst I have seen in a while. We parked by the garage in the back and went in through that door. It was the closest parking space and the inside proved that the shoppers were carpooling. Each aisle was jammed full of angry little elves. Chris Kringle’s joy was nowhere to be found.

Hanging out with Tim and David is always fun, and watching them play video games is an interesting pastime. Today, though, history was altered. The time space continuum was skewed: David beat Tim at Mario Kart. Once. The problem with the video gaming—really, it isn’t simply the video gaming, it’s anything on television—is that David thinks every game, movie, TV show, or CD needs to be listened to at maximum volume. He thinks it enhances the listening experience, never paying attention to the plaster cracking off the walls or the paint peeling in the dining room. What do I care? I am simply trying to enjoy my break.

I am hoping to get in some good time with my pajamas and good books. Maybe I will lounge so much someone will notice my excellent form and offer to pay me to lounge. I could lounge like it’s my job. Is ice cream involved in my salary package? Because I would need to know before accepting the job and signing the contract.

Also, this is perfect:

Funny Comic

I really don’t have the energy right now to deal with much, so I am simply posting a cartoon that I thought was funny. I found it on a friend’s Facebook page.


Actually, I do have some thoughts:

What does it mean to give grace? I am always trying to answer this question—and I am sure some of you who read this blog are tired of riding the same old horse with me— and I swear that just when I think I have it figured out, I am shown a bit more about what real grace means. I mean, grace is frickin’ hard. It’s hard to let people be who they are when it rubs against who you are. It’s hard to love people when they wear you down. But isn’t that what grace is about. I hear people all the time say that it’s not about being a door mat, but I think it can be for a minute. It can be about bending over backward for people, and not giving them what deserve, but giving them mercy, which is precisely what they don’t deserve. Because I try to live my life this way, I frequently find myself disappointed that other people don’t give each other grace, but everyone doesn’t have the same code of ethics. I dig that. Sometimes though, it is that very acknowledgment of other people’s mind frames that can be maddening that can make me want to give up on grace and just open the gates of judgment. But I don’t want to live that way. I want to give grace. And I usually do. But sometimes it is so hard.