Giving Grace and Being Graceful About It

I guess even giving grace isn’t exactly what I want to say. What I want to say is that working at grace with someone and being graceful about that in your life aren’t the same things. At least they aren’t the same for me. The first seems to work out so much more…gracefully…than the second. Working for grace with people is difficult, but necessary, which is probably why I find it easier than living the whole idea out in life. Confusing? Yes.

We give grace, get grace, and work toward mutual grace every day. The problem is that we are human and a big portion of grace is risk. We have to be willing to risk letting go of the offense that made against us, and we literally have to be willing to suffer the consequences for someone else’s actions. That being said, they have to be willing to receive the idea that we are willing to suffer for them. That concept is the really tricky thing about grace. That two sided coin of giving grace/receiving grace is a bit of a sticking spot.

My point is that I can dole out cheap grace without ever expecting anyone to be redeemed through it, but it makes us all feel better. Or, I can work toward grace with someone, possibly get hurt in the end, and never see that person be redeemed. I want grace to be easy, and I want to be graceful about giving, but sometimes, I just can’t be.

Sometimes, in my not so graceful moments, I want to say to people: “You really fucked up, and it’s all on you. You did it. You pay the consequences. I tried to give you grace but you won’t take, so live in the tangled web you weave. Besides I am sick as shit of the way you conduct yourself.” I know, though, that many times in my life, I have had people who wanted to say that to me, but for whatever reason didn’t say it. They just kept trudging through the muck with me, holding me up, and making sure that I made it through.

Other times, I want to run around saying, “Look at me I gave you grace. I helped you through this spot. I did nothing but extend a warm hand and kind heart to your breaking one. Why are dragging me down with you?” And isn’t the whole point that the other person, the one who committed the offense gets to say: “Look I made it through.” Without actually saying it, the person who receives grace points toward the person who gave them that grace and implies that grace can work for you, too. But, that is the risk of grace. Sometimes you get dragged down, too, and the person who needs your grace can’t get it.

I’m thinking of our lives as Christians: we fuck up, we get grace from Jesus, we accept that grace, and our actions in redemption point the finger back to him, saying, “My grace comes from God, you can get some, too.” Our grace should flow out of us, indicating to people that where we live, grace abounds.

So, I guess some recent events in my life have happened to remind me how redemptive grace works. It’s hard, it hurts, and you sometimes have to be willing to let go, because the people who need to receive grace the most sometimes just don’t want it. I want to let go, but I also want to work at grace. I can’t work at it with someone who doesn’t want to work at it with me, though. The giver of grace has to be willing to recognize that sometimes the receiver doesn’t want it.

I’m not perfect. I have a long way to go in order to even be a shadow of the woman I want to become, but that’s grace. I give grace. I receive grace. I am redeemed.

I said I wasn’t going to write until next week, but I lied. I just had to get that off my chest. And, now, you don’t know me again for five days.

posted poems from poets.org

Sleep Door
by Kazim Ali

a light knocking on the sleep door
like the sound of a rope striking the side of a boat

heard underwater
boats pulling up alongside each other

beneath the surface we rub up against each other
will we capsize in

the surge and silence
of waking from sleep

you are a lost canoe, navigating by me
I am the star map tonight

all the failed echoes
don’t matter

the painted-over murals
don’t matter

you can find your way to me
by the faint star-lamp

we are a fleet now
our prows zeroing in

praying in the wind
to spin like haywire compasses

toward whichever direction
will have us

Mummy of a Lady Named Jemutesonekh
XXI Dynasty
by Thomas James

My body holds its shape. The genius is intact.
Will I return to Thebes? In that lost country
The eucalyptus trees have turned to stone.
Once, branches nudged me, dropping swollen blossoms,
And passionflowers lit my father’s garden.
Is it still there, that place of mottled shadow,
The scarlet flowers breathing in the darkness?

I remember how I died. It was so simple!
One morning the garden faded. My face blacked out.
On my left side they made the first incision.
They washed my heart and liver in palm wine—
My lungs were two dark fruit they stuffed with spices.
They smeared my innards with a sticky unguent
And sealed them in a crock of alabaster.

My brain was next. A pointed instrument
Hooked it through my nostrils, strand by strand.
A voice swayed over me. I paid no notice.
For weeks my body swam in sweet perfume.
I came out Scoured. I was skin and bone.
Thy lifted me into the sun again
And packed my empty skull with cinnamon.

They slit my toes; a razor gashed my fingertips.
Stitched shut at last, my limbs were chaste and valuable,
Stuffed with a paste of cloves and wild honey.
My eyes were empty, so they filled them up,
Inserting little nuggets of obsidian.
A basalt scarab wedged between my breasts
Replaced the tinny music of my heart.

Hands touched my sutures. I was so important!
They oiled my pores, rubbing a fragrance in.
An amber gum oozed down to soothe my temples.
I wanted to sit up. My skin was luminous,
Frail as the shadow of an emerald.
Before I learned to love myself too much,
My body wound itself in spools of linen.

Shut in my painted box, I am a precious object.
I wear a wooden mask. These are my eyelids,
Two flakes of bronze, and here is my new mouth,
Chiseled with care, guarding its ruby facets.
I will last forever. I am not impatient—
My skin will wait to greet its old complexions.
I’ll lie here till the world swims back again.

When I come home the garden will be budding,
White petals breaking open, clusters of night flowers,
The far-off music of a tambourine.
A boy will pace among the passionflowers,
His eyes no longer two bruised surfaces.
I’ll know the mouth of my young groom, I’ll touch
His hands. Why do people lie to one another?

Learning to Speak
by Liz Rosenberg

She was the quietest thing I’d ever seen.
It was so restful, being in her company
For hours, neither of us uttering a word.
I’d read the paper, look up, and she would smile,
Her lips half-pursed, just tucked up at the ends
As if holding a blithe secret.
When I fed her, she’d silently nod and smile,
Like immigrants you see
In train stations or in the movies,
She’d take the bowl from my hands
And nod again and smile again
And neither of us would say a word
From sunup to sunset.
When son and husband came home,
Both talking at once, both talking
With their mouths full,
My daughter and I could only look at them
With our dark quiet eyes.
Siddown, she says now.
I sit down
Without argument.

A Reactionary Tale
by Linh Dinh

I was a caring husband. I bought socks for my family.

My swarthy wife liked to wear these thick woolen socks that came
up to her milky thighs.

I had a lover also. People could see me walking around each
evening carrying a walking stick.

My most vivid memory, looking back, is of a pink froth bubbling
out of my infant’s mouth.

Not everything was going so well: one morning, malnourished
soldiers marched down our tiny street, bringing good news.

When good news arrives by mail, the cuckoo sang, tear up the
envelope. When good news arrives by e-mail, destroy the
computer.

When an old friend came by to reclaim an old wound, I said to my
oldest son: Go dump daddy’s ammo boxes into the fragrant river.

To reduce drag, some of my neighbors were diving headfirst into a
shallow lake.

We were rich and then we were poor. A small dog or maybe a cat
now pulls our family wagon.

from “Ferrum”
by M. NourbeSe Philip
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no poems for days

My creative juices are sluicing out research papers.

My creative juices sluice over the sides of the damaged dixie cup of my mind.
They spill onto the pages of research papers that have ne redemptive value.
My thoughts spill out in cyberkinetic ink on pages that don’t exist in the real world.
They print in black on white paper spitting out from a laser printer. That can’t be good
for the environment that already overflows from trash and refuse.
No refuge for the academic. No respite for the mentally exhausted. No sleep.
Ideas slip chasm over chasm, rapids in the river of dreams. Slipping, sliding
smashing my ideations of a low-carbon footprint.

From Now Until Next Friday at 5PM

You don’t know me. You can’t see me. I can’t have coffee with you, unless you are Sarah Marty. I will be the incognito English graduate student who blows you off. I am starting my first paper today, writing my second one on Thursday, and writing my third one on Saturday. Once I finish those papers, I will be grading like a fiend so I can turn back their research projects to my students during their finals slots, and get a whole new batch to read by Friday! I am overjoyed.

I think for the most part this semester went really well. I am not incredibly overwhelmed, and my projects seem manageable enough, so I think I can finish without a crisis. My students filled out their evaluations yesterday, which makes me a little ticky, but I think I will survive. I learned a lot this semester about what I want my composition classes to look like form here on out, so what could be better than that. As always, I thanked my students for being my guinea pigs and doing it with a smile.

But for now, you don’t know me. I am invisible woman. You can’t even hear me roar.

It’s Official: Milton is a Progressive Misogynist

“Thus Eve with count’nance blithe her story told;
But in her cheeks distemper flushing glowed.
On th’ other side, Adam, soon as he heard
The fatal trespass done by Eve, amazed,
Astonied stood and blank, while horror chill
Ran through his veins, and all his joints relaxed;
From his slack hand the garland wreathed for Eve
Down dropped, and all the faded roses shed:
Speechless he stood and pale, till thus at length
First himself he inward silence broke.” —Paradise Lost, Book 9 lines 886-895

The thing I hate about Milton is that he sort of grows on you. Like mold. How can you not love that Adam spent his time in the garden weaving flower garlands for Eve’s hair. So I will give Will that Milton may be progressive, but I’m holding onto the misogynist part.