Minnesota Minute

On July 11, I moved to Newport, Minnesota, famous for railroads, an oil refinery, a red rock, an early Methodist Church, and two parades a year, the Fireman’s parade and the Pioneer Days parade, which stops at the park right next to our new house. I have no job, no money, and no network, so to say I feel a bit lost is an understatement. What I do have is a supportive wife, lots of friends who love me, pets that are happy, an education and some experiences that surely someone will find worthwhile, and a little bat that lives outside the window of my tiny attic writing and art studio. At least, I hope the little bat lives there. She was there yesterday, but there was no sign of her tonight. I hope she comes back.

I spent the first day I was here sleeping all day long, because I was thoroughly exhausted from the drive, the stress of moving, and the joyful three-week-long sendoff my friends back home gave to me. The second day I spent at Starbucks using their free internet connection to fill out an application for a job that I found out has already been filled, and I drove all over picking up applications from places whose applications are not yet online. The third day I spent driving all over (again) to buy groceries, a grill, and other necessary items. Both Bec and I were so tired when we got home, we ate dinner, put in a movie and relaxed.

She fell asleep and missed the first parade of our tenure here at 597 4th Avenue, or The Flop House and Diner Too. I nearly missed the parade, too, the Fireman’s Parade, as it is called, because I thought for sure someone’s house was burning down just down the block. I had wondered for several hours why our neighbors were sitting in chairs outside in their lawn, but then I heard sirens, the sirens of many firetrucks, ambulances, and police cars. This parade was unlike other parades I’ve seen with their slow, ambling caravans of cars, bands, and walking floats. In fact, there was not one part of the parade that was normal. The whole of the procession was moving way too quickly to be considered anything but a group of emergency vehicles driving from point A to point B.

Really, the only bit of it that made me think parade was my neighbor, who my brother says reminds him of a character in Orange is the New Black, and her husband sitting out in their chairs with bags to collect candy. Each time a vehicle that looked like a potential candy dispenser drove past she would wave and cheer and collect her treasures, jumping up and down like a small child. By the end of the thing, they had collected a sizeable bag of cheap candy and grins from ear to ear. The whole picture was pretty amusing. (This same neighbor brought us a bowl full of her delicious organically grown raspberries and blackberries tonight.)

Today seemed more like a normal day, in that we went to hang out with the twins. They used me as a jungle gym for about two hours, we played tornado and rocket jump, both games I made up, and then I spent the rest of the day at Starbucks filling out more applications, while Bec unpacked more stuff, cleaned up the downstairs odds and ends, and hung artwork on the walls. To end the day, I cooked jambalaya for Bec, Ann, and me, and we sat on the porch for a good long time.

This whole moving process is teaching me things about myself and about other people, and I am grateful for the learning experience. My focus is changing from being so inwardly focused to being more outwardly focused. Aside from getting a job, I have only five goals for myself in the next year: (1) quit smoking and drinking so much, (2) eat a healthy primal diet, (3) swim, bike, and run, (4) give myself quiet time to read (both books and the Bible), write, and do art, (5) be gentle with others, bring joy and grace into the world. I have to give my worries away and rely on God and other folks to get me through sometimes, a task that is no small feat for me.

It’s Tuesday, and My Wife Lives in MN

I haven’t really written anything (okay I’ve written things, but they are for my eyes only right now), since my beautiful wife moved to Minnesota to find a house and start a new job. I’m pleased to say that she loves her new job, and that the house she found up there is beautiful and super cool. Here’s a link to the listing. The coolest part about the house is the attic, which is finished, and which is the exact right size for a drawing and writing studio. I couldn’t be more pleased about the prospect of getting up in the night to climb a few stairs to go draw or paint. Now I need to somehow find a job or jobs to help pay my share of things. Anyone know of any good jobs in the Twin Cities that don’t require much intellectual thought or grading?

I’m going to spare you, the reader, of my past few months of darkness, though I mask it well, don’t you think? And, I’m just going to start afresh, like I have chosen to do, yet again, in my life. I’ve shared the questions, the doubts, the difficulties, and the pain with a few close friends, family, and my wife, so I think that’s enough wallowing in it. And, I’m just going to start afresh, like I have chosen to do, yet again, in my life.

Since last July 13, my weight has increased by 35 pounds, back up to 230 pounds on my 5’2″ frame. Yay, fun with fat! I checked my blood pressure the other day and it was 151/98 and my pulse was 65. For the past two months, I have been drinking at least two-three beers a night and smoking 4-5 cigarettes a day. I have consumed at least 32 ounces of caffeinated coffee each day, sometimes with extra shots of espresso in them. And, I haven’t run, swam, or biked pretty much at all. I feel like crap and I look like crap (and not because I’m fat; I’ve been fat my whole life, so I really don’t care about all that). I look blah and have dark circles under my eyes from eating things that I have intolerances for: wheat, corn, soy, and some dairy.

That being said, I ran two miles yesterday morning, and yesterday was the first day in a long time that I didn’t smoke, drink alcohol or caffeine, or eat those things I shouldn’t. I know. Big whoop. First day. But every day is the first day of the rest of your life, right? And, as they say in AA: “One day at a time, man, one day at a time.”

So, today, for the second day, I’m trying to stay the path of abstinence, movement, and clean eating. I walked the dogs for a mile this morning, took it easy and had a decaf cappuccino, then came to school. I ate good food for breakfast, and I have good food for lunch. I’m hoping to run a mile right after school, then walk the dogs for another mile before finishing up my portfolio for class.

Ah! What a life. Grace. Always grace. It’s how I even exist.

Sunday, Sunday: Some Thoughts About Lent

WARNING: This post is very disjointed. Sorry about the hop, skip, jumpiness of it. In the words of Nehemiah: “I am doing a great work and I cannot come down.” Apparently, I can’t write today either. Ha!

I sat in church today thinking about the purpose of Lent. I noticed a couple of things that I’d like to find out more about. We didn’t do the confessional part of the liturgy, I suspect because Lent is supposed to be focused on being confessional. Our retired Rector, Fr. Charlie, unintentionally spilled the water that is hidden under the lectern for the speaker or preacher of the day, I suspect to remind us all in a hilariously accidental way of our baptisms and of our own humanity. I learned a new term: Ember Day. With a quick Internet search, I found that ember days are for prayer and fasting, and they are days that mark the quarters of the Christian calendar. I still would like to learn more about this new liturgical observation.

For me Lent has always been a time in the liturgical calendar to pray, fast, and re-find myself in the face of Christ. This year for me Lent is the most wilderness it has been for a long time. Mind you, I have been so far from Christ for a few years that I haven’t really paid any attention to Lent other than it being a season in the calendar. For a couple of years, we haven’t really regularly attended church, so Lent was just the thing that lead up to Easter. There’s this idea that the way we understand ideas or concepts is by gaining a better understanding of the opposite, and I am pretty sure I fully understand the beauty that is Christ because of my propensity to wallow in the opposite. I know the wilderness. I know the desert. At points in my life, I’ve known the barren lands so well that I never thought I’d find my way back, or want to.

But now I am here. In the symbolic wilderness of Lent. I feel the sadness. I feel the temptation. I feel the loneliness. I feel this in juxtaposition to the joy, the warmth, the holiness, and the grace I have felt in Christ since the first Sunday of Advent. I feel like I have been called home only to be cast back into the dark. The cross is covered. The baptismal font is gone. The confessions are removed form the liturgy. We are in utter theological darkness. This concept, as I tried (but poorly) to articulate in my post about the road trip, has never been so clear to me in my life as it is in this particular Lent season.

Because of our impending move, this Lent season brings for me lots of last moments. Yesterday when we were at the Mounds, I said to Bec, “Later this spring, I’ll bring you back and we can walk the route of the race I just ran, because it’s beautiful.” Only I won’t, because she’ll be in Minnesota. Later in the say I said to my brother, “Next year when we run this Shamrock Beer Run, we’ll know to get here really early or really late to avoid the horrible bottle neck at the start line.” He said back to me, “Only you won’t be here next year, you’ll be in Minnesota.” True. My parents brought Bec and me a few dozen eggs, and I thought to myself that pretty soon I’d not be getting delicious farm fresh eggs every week, nor would I be able to just call them up for a coffee or to see me run a race. So far this Lent I’ve had the intense pain and pleasure of having many lengthy conversations with both friends and family to help me discern my future.

Who am I? Who is God? Where do I find my worth? What makes me live? What is my calling? What brings me joy? What vexes me? How can I reconcile the various facets of my life? What the fuck am I doing? Why? Am I seeking God’s will? These are just a few of the questions I’ve wrestled with over the past few weeks.

At church this morning, the Eucharist had a different meaning for me, and I can assume for Bec, since we both shed a few tears when we went back to the pew to kneel and contemplate the mystery of Jesus’ body and blood. She carefully thread her arm through mine and held my hand tightly. I am not sure if it was for my benefit or hers. We both know this time of transition will be more difficult and longer than we’d like. At any rate, the Eucharist today gave me an intense hope in the future. The Eucharist has a beautiful of doing that: reminding me that God is bigger than the wilderness. No matter the darkness, no matter my lostness or helplessness, God is there. Christ is real and present in my friends and family. I am not alone in this journey. Jesus is there. With me. In the wilderness.

I love the season of Lent, because I allow myself time to think about the darker more mysterious parts of my Christian faith. And I hate the season of Lent for the same reasons. Perhaps this is why Easter brings such joy. I cling to this hope. I cling to the promise of a risen Christ.

Road Trip, the Best Kind of Interruption

Every time I take a road trip, I learn something more about our country and its beauty. I learn more about myself and who I am. And, I learn more about God and who God is. This road trip was a day-long drive to Florida to see my best friend Merideth. I was going to stop in Atlanta and camp at a state park, but then I remembered that Mer was off of work on Sunday, so why not just drive through and go to the beach with her instead of by myself. Sweet. So 16-hour drive. That was on Saturday, then on Wednesday, I left Florida at 4AM and drove through to Cincinnati to see my other best friend Amy. The trip culminated in lunch with my beautiful sister-in-law in Dayton before returning home to a going away party for my love. The week was excellent, contemplative, beautiful. I made new friends, was helped through the long hours of the drive, and experienced the beauty of this fine land. Here are some things I learned:

  1. If you listen to the radio for long enough, you’ll hear a song that reminds you of every person you’ve ever loved. Some of them will make you cry, some will make you laugh, and some will just piss you off. One was the Sarah Mclachlan song that reminded me of a convicted felon I once loved. Yeah, bad judgment. One was LaBamba, reminding me of a boyfriend I’d love to forget. One was a Mariah Carey song that Kristen and I used to sing to each other in our dorm room dance parties. One reminded me of the first crush I ever had on a woman (don’t have crushes on straight women, it never works out well). Finally, I listened to The Doors, which, of course, reminded me of Jaymes and the way he opened out my mind and my musical interests to bands I’d never heard before. And, finally, every cheesy country song reminded me of my beautiful wife. Thanks, Lady Antebellum and Jason Aldean. Really, music forces so many emotions, I’m not sure how people stand listening to it for long periods of time.
  2. White Castle can be the most delicious meal you’ve ever eaten when you’ve been in the car for ten hours. White Castle is not good for you, nor does it provide any kind of sustenance. White Castle gives you gas. White Castle serves Big Red soda. White Castle is a road-trip disaster, but the miniature cheeseburgers slide right down and taste good on the way.
  3. I shouldn’t spend 16 hours inside my own head. When I left Muncie, I had lots of things on my mind: the impending move, lots of grading, planning, wedding planning, Bec’s leaving next week, my spirituality, and political stuff. If you can’t tell by reading this blog, I always think about 80,000 things at a time, so this isn’t new, but I’m usually thinking about small things. This trip was sort of a trip of mourning the loss of comfort. I’m ready to move to Minnesota, but I have lived in East Central Indiana for 40 years. I needed to drive and mourn. I won’t drive down 75 to Florida to see Merideth again. I won’t be able to bop over to Ohio to see Amy or Susan. I won’t be within a stone’s throw of the Smoky Mountains. I won’t be within decent driving distance of Niagara Falls. I won’t be around my biggest support system. And, quite frankly, I am terrified about recreating all that at 40 years old. I know that’s not old, and I know I have no problem making friends, but Minnesota seems like a whole new world. What if people don’t make friendships in the same way there? What if my sense of humor doesn’t fit? What if I can’t find a job? What if we can’t find a house? Basically, I spent about 13 hours of the way down to Florida being freaked out about my future. On the way back, I spent my time dreaming about what an amazing future is in store for me and Bec, but I remain vexed about the move anyway.
  4. I shouldn’t listen to praise music while I drive. Ticket for me. I shouldn’t let 18-year-old drivers rear end my brand new car. Ticket(s) for her.
  5. No matter how clearly I lay out my plans, they’ll never work. They’ll always change, and I’ll never get everything finished that I intend to get finished. But life is for enjoyment, not for stress. Sorry, students, some things didn’t or won’t get done.
  6. I need to eat healthy food (refer back to 2). I feel like shit, and I have giant circles under my eyes. I know my body doesn’t tolerate gluten, corn, or soy very well, and yet, that’s mostly what I ate on my trip. I need to get back to the basics, and since it’s training season it shouldn’t be too hard. I got on the scale this morning, and I’m officially the fattest I’ve been in 3 years. Yay, me. I’ve officially gained 35 pounds since last July 13. Thirty-five mother fucking pounds. Thanks, stress eating. I might need a psychological intervention.
  7. I am in the right place in the Episcopal Church. I feel God’s presence there, but I can also think. I’m not asked to blindly follow along. I’m asked to have my own thoughtful consideration of who God is and who [Their] church should be. What is my role in God’s church? I still feel called to ordained ministry, but I’m not sure how that will look. I don’t want to move all over God’s green creation, so I am prayerfully considering something like chaplaincy or the like. Amy is a handy resource in this regard, since that’s what she does and where her passion lies. If I did follow this vocation, I’m leaning toward prison or juvenile detention chaplaincy. My heart always lies with those people who seem unlovable. Or, as a friend pointed out, is my ministry precisely what I do now? Teaching feels like ministry, but I’m not sure that it fulfills what I believe is a different kind of call. I am keeping my options open in this regard.
  8. When I walk on the beach with my Merideth, people look at her like she is a hero and they look at me with pity, like she’s a great person for taking her cancer-ridden friend for a last walk on the beach or something. We just kept laughing. Seriously, I just have no hair. Save your compassion, or empathy but not pity, for folks who really have cancer. And your praise for folks who really take a last walk on the beach with the friend with cancer. I don’t look at all like a person who’s undergone chemo. Not a bit.
  9. The ocean heals everything. The mountains heal too.
  10. Nothing feels quite like coming home to your one true love.

I thought there were other things I learned, but I don’t remember them right now. I do know I feel more settled now than I did before. I do feel like I learned more about myself. I do feel like I learned more about God. I’m trying to find myself inside the confines of my relationship with God, rather than just willy-nilly looking for myself. I don’t know. Maybe when I think about this a week from now, I’ll have more insight.

What I Ate Wednesday: Ash Wednesday

Today instead of providing you pictures of my food, I am simply going to tell you what I ate and then discuss a bit about Ash Wednesday, which seems a wee bit more important than food.

Breakfast: Greek yogurt with oats, a banana, some blackberries, raw honey, and some cinnamon

Lunch: an orange and a snickers bar

Snack: some Cowboy bark from Trader Joe’s

Dinner: chicken bacon bites, broccoli, and a Wee Mac

As you can tell it was a very healthy way to welcome the Lenten season. Ha! Not really, but I am focusing on clean eating for the duration of Lent.

Today was the first time I have ever been to an actual Ash Wednesday service at a church that actually marked people’s foreheads with ashes, and I must say that the liturgy for Ash Wednesday is beautiful. Tragic and sad and penitential, but beautiful. For today, not realizing it was Ash Wednesday, I had assigned my Bible as literature students the story of David and Bathsheba and Psalm 51. I also didn’t realize when I assigned those texts that Psalm 51 would be used in today’s liturgy. I bring this forward simply because I love Psalm 51 and I pray it whenever I need a moment of recentering or reconnection with God, so it is especially meaningful for me. “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” Those words, spoken by the priest before preparing the wine and the bread every Sunday and spoken by the tiny congregation today in penitence, are especially meaningful in my life. I’ve had so many moments when I just want a redo. I just want to go back and go over those things I didn’t do right the first time. I want to offer a broken and contrite heart, because I know that is the offering that my Lord seeks. Today,  I was pleasantly surprised when we made it through the liturgy to the Psalm reading and there it was after I had just read and prepared to discuss it with my students. And, as a special bonus, my students had the best discussion about that Psalm and the David story. They truly did an excellent job.

I was moved by the Eucharist today, as I usually am. I don’t know if it’s my oversensitivity right now, or if I have finally reconnected with my faith, but I nearly cried at the presence of Jesus in the wine and bread today. If that is my response to Ash Wednesday, I can’t wait for Holy Friday this year. I’ll be a blubbering mess! I never know what God is up to in my life, but I always just take for granted that it’s something good. I’m just resting in the fact that God brought me to the Episcopal Church at this time in my life for a reason, because I feel comfortably challenged there. And I feel God’s presence, most importantly.

I do have to say that it was a little awkward walking around with an ash cross on my forehead, considering that I had never done it before. While I don’t mind evangelizing or discussing faith or theology, obviously, I was a bit concerned about doing it at school. Everything worked out fine, but one student thought I had gotten a new tattoo. Odd.