A Great Summer Ahead?

Posted on 26 April 2010 | 6 comments

As it turns out, I didn’t get a summer assistantship, so I will be living on tax money and student loans. Any other time I would be really weird about not getting an assistantship, but I am going through a major “I don’t care” phase right now. It will be nice to take this summer off with nothing to do but finish projects around the house, finish the dissertation proposal, play disc golf, and run. I will be a little more in debt when the summer ends. Then so be it. I’m already wallowing in debt as it is.

I attribute this phase to the fact that I have been buffeted on all sides this semester by people who think they are doing the world a favor by maligning me. One of the maligners reminds me of Hillary Faye in the movie Saved.

There is a scene in the movie in which Roland (Culkin) is watching Hillary Faye (Moore) abuse Mary (Malone). He says to Hillary Faye, “You have everything, Hillary Faye. What are you afraid of?” I want to ask a couple of people this same question: “You have everything. What are you afraid of?” I suppose my friend Monica is right: these people have no control of any other part of their lives, so they find it necessary to manipulate and control others. I always wonder why, though, I seem to be a favorite target. If anyone has any idea, could you please let me know. I am perfectly willing to admit to any part that I have in this fiasco, but I am having a hard time seeing what I have done to deserve the treatment I have received. I want the nightmares I have that are induced by these people to stop coming so frequently. And, frankly, I am getting tired of being the rug that people wipe their feet on. Thanks, I’d like my self-assuredness back now.

*

I am beginning to get nervous about the IndyMini because I was sick all week last week and only got to run about 15 miles, if that much. My sinuses are rebelling because of the increase in pollen, but they have relaxed this week so I should be back in good shape come tomorrow morning’s run. I think I am going to try for a nice, slow five-miler that I know won’t compare to Friday morning’s beautiful four along Lake Shore Drive and Navy Pier. The sun was just peeking over the horizon and the booms and clicks of the lighthouse warning systems were sounding. The seagulls were screeching and the lake was slapping up against the wooden poles of the pier, and all I could think about was how I wondered if the people who get to run there every morning know how lucky they are. I figure they take it for granted after a while, but maybe there are a few of them who know it’s a privilege to be able to soak in the pleasure of the shore every day.

I also wondered why I always want to be anywhere, anytime but where or when I am. I spend a lot of time worrying about the future, trying to make up for the past, and not reveling in the present. I am trying to learn mindfulness. I am trying to just be. But I am having such a difficult time with it.

6 Comments

Posted in Disc golf, Dissertation, Relationships, School

Things I Am Afraid Of or My Phobias

Posted on 18 April 2010 | 5 comments

The title of this post sounds a bit like an essay that I would never assign to any of my critical writing classes, but it is one that I would assign every semester to any creative writing class I might teach. I think this is a fascinating topic for many reason. One: I think our phobias say a lot about who we are. Two: By writing about our phobias, we get to explore not only what we are afraid of, but also why we are afraid of it. Three: Who doesn’t love delving a little bit deeper into her own psyche just to find out that the irrational fears she faces everyday are possibly very rational. Here are my phobias that I would like to one day write about:

  1. Haphephobia: A fear of being touched—I don’t liked to be touched for pretty much any reason. I don’t like to hug people or to have them walk up next to me and put their arms around me. So, if you have ever received a hug from me, consider your self lucky.
  2. Vaccinophobia: A fear of vaccinations—I think vaccinations are a ridiculous waste of time and money. We have diseases for natural population control, and we have vaccinations so large pharmaceutical companies can make money. Plain as that.
  3. Scatophobia: A fear of fecal matter—I don’t mind my own poop, but yours better not come near me. Also, I have a dog who I think is scatophobic because he literally runs away from his poop every morning.
  4. Pnigophobia or Pnigerophobia: Fear of choking of being smothered—This actually also extends out into a fear of drowning. Really I am afraid of not being able to breathe: drowning, choking, asthma, suffocation, or strangling.
  5. Nyctohylophobia: Fear of dark wooded areas or of forests at night—This actually has more to do with a fear I used to have when I had my Jeep. Whenever I would have all the windows and doors off, I was always afraid a deer would jump in when I was driving past a cornfield. It would then proceed to bite me in the next or hoof me to death. Since I love to camp, I think my fear has more to do with the deer.
  6. Gephyrophobia or Gephydrophobia or Gephysrophobia: Fear of crossing bridges—This only applies to really high bridges in interstates: The Chicago Skyway, a bridge in Milwaukee, the bridge to South Padre, one in Corpus Christi, and one in Dayton.
  7. Emetophobia- Fear of vomiting—Seriously, I will bargain with God to keep from throwing up. Ew.
  8. And, probably my most serious fear whose name I cannot locate: falling through the upstairs  floor into the level below—When I lived in an apartment on any floor but the first, sometimes I would have difficulty falling to sleep at night because I would worry about my bed (with me in it) falling through the floor into the apartment below. I would imagine myself waking up in the first floor apartment with its inhabitants staring at me. Now, since our bedroom is just above the dining room table, I think that the bed might fall through and land on the table and then the whole lot of us will end up in the basement with the cat litter pans. Ugh.

So goes my list of irrational fears.

*

I am thankful for people who understand my idiosyncrasies.

Food: I ate everything in sight. It happens on the first day of, and the few days leading up to, your period. Sue me.

Exercise: See above sentence. I was too lethargic to exercise. Tomorrow, though, I am going to kick the heck out of five miles.

5 Comments

Posted in Food, Just for Fun, Just Random Stuff, Personal, Relationships, Running, Writing

Another Collection of Found Objects.

Posted on 18 April 2010 | Leave a comment

Since I left Facebook, I suppose my blog has become the place for me to collect those things which I normally would have shared on my profile. I think this new-found freedom from complete voyeurism has forced me to only post those things that I care enough to open a new post and actually type something in. I know that some things can be shared onto WordPress via the share function on some media and website interfaces. This video was not one of them, but it is definitely worth the opening and typing.

The Lost Tribes of New York City from Carolyn London on Vimeo.

Obviously, there are several problems with the video, not the least of which is the title. “The Lost Tribes” delineates groups of people into their most primitive categories, but since the groups interviewed are typically groups who are already disenfranchised, the title becomes even more of a problem. Of course, one could argue that Carolyn London is simply giving voice to those who are normally voiceless, and she is allowing a broad spectrum of people to speak on their own behalf. Although, I wonder if London wasn’t giving them the opportunity to speak to people with some privilege through our computers, would most of us even want to listen at all. I mean, if the person who is the voice of the suitcase came up to one of us and started talking to us on the street, would we give her the five minutes of listening time we give to her because her voice is coming out of a visually altered, animated, talking suitcase?I am not sure most of us would, but because it is kitschy and cute and it comes from our cyber-screens, we listen. And, then, there is the fact that people, the always already marginalized, are rendered as inanimate objects like telephones and suitcases, but that is a whole different problem.

Well, the video, however problematic, is still worth a watch. If for no other reason than for to agree or disagree with me about its worth.

Leave a comment

Posted in Just Random Stuff

Macs. Capitalism. And Graffiti.

Posted on 17 April 2010 | 1 comment

1984 macintosh introduction by Steve Jobs
Uploaded by DARKECCHI. – Technology reviews and science news videos.

Go here to see great graffiti.

1 Comment

Posted in Just Random Stuff

I Wanna Live Here. I Signed Up.

Posted on 16 April 2010 | 2 comments

I was surfing around online yesterday and started fantasizing about living in Door County. More specifically, I imagined moving to Washington Island, though I am not sure what I would do for a job there. Hey, it’s a fantasy. It’s imaginary, so I can do whatever I want. I decided I want to live here. And then I thought, well, since this is a fantasy, I might choose this one. The only drawback is that it only has two bedrooms, so when people came to visit they could only come two at a time. 🙂

*

I think I have been consumed by the running bug. I haven’t simply been bitten by it; it’s eating me alive, which isn’t a bad thing. Rather, I would say it is a very good thing. In fact, it’s such a good thing that I can honestly say I feel better than I have ever felt.

Even in high school when I swam all the time, I didn’t feel as healthy or as in tune with the world as I feel now. There is nothing that beats the feeling of running along next to the river, listening to the water slip past the jagged rocks slowly wearing them down, refining them. As I run, I think about how I, too, am being refined, polished.

Tomorrow is a 10 mile training run for the Indy-Mini which is only a few short weeks away on May 8. The 10 mile run is the longest training run on the plan, and I am going to try hard not to think about how it is only half as long as the longest run on the marathon training plan I have chosen. Really, there are twelve runs in the 18 week plan I have chosen that are longer than 10 miles. I just keep telling myself I can do it. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can, said the Little Engine.

Possibly the thing I love the most about running is the solitude of it. There is no way for me to deny that I love some time alone. In fact, I probably require more time alone than most people do, because it takes quite a bit of energy for me to be with people. There are some people I love to be around, who require little to no energy, but then there are others who just leave me feeling like a child’s new Christmas toy that has been played with until it doesn’t move anymore. A little rung out. In order to get over that feeling, sometimes I just need to get away.

On November 6, I am going to get away for about 5.5 or 6 hours while I run my first marathon. I know, I am a little obsessed with this topic right now, but I have to exult about the fact that I just registered for the Indianapolis Monumental Marathon. I spent $60 of my hard-earned money in order to run for a ridiculously long time. I suppose this will give me a measure of my ability to go the long haul. I think relying on my friends, like Molly and Nagelkirk, will be my biggest asset in this long, arduous process. I have to say that I am torn between wanting to rejoice and wanting to throw up.

Twenty-six point two miles.

26.2.

20+6+0.2

2 x 13.1

A really long way.

Here’s the course map: Marathon_Map_full_perspectiveWEB It should open quite nicely for you.

*

*

Haphephobia: A morbid fear of being touched.

*

I spent about two hours today working on my dissertation, and I plan to spend a couple more tonight. I think once I go through it one more time, it will be ready to send out to the committee. Excitement: I will send it out tonight.

*

I am thankful for too many things to list today!

Food: banana, juice, short bread, iced coffee, bean/rice/veggie/cheese quesadilla, pasta, M&Ms

Exercise: walked the dogs two miles, eleven-mile bike ride

2 Comments

Posted in Biking, Dissertation, Food, Just for Fun, Relationships, Running