Comps and Teaching

I passed my comprehensive exams. I am not sure how I feel about it just yet. On one hand I am excited to be finished with coursework and being tested, but on the other hand I question that I deserve to pass. Am I really ready? Will I one day be unmasked as the person who knows much less than she should? This is how I feel: twisted up in my middle-parts, not like a jazzfest. keith-haring-montreux-jazz-festival-1983A friend tells me that self-deprecation doesn’t suit me well, and I am not sure that I am necessarily self-deprecating. I would say that I have lots of self-doubt. I don’t know where all that self-doubt stems from, because I used to be self-assured and almost prideful. I knew I could do anything. I knew I was intelligent. I knew that I could skate by in almost any situation.

Maybe it is maturity, maybe it is being around people who are more intelligent than I am, maybe it is simply intellectual development, but I feel less adept at scholarly endeavors now than ever. I think I might just have more of a handle on those things that I don’t know than I did before. I just need to make sure I don’t let those fears, or doubts, paralyze me.

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I need to get through this dissertation, well, at least the proposal, in a quick minute if I want to keep teaching at Burris. I have until December to get it finished. Or no Burris. And, I do love Burris.

My students are really engaged. Today we discussed race and ethnicity at the turn of the century, using Paul Laurence Dunbar’s “Frederick Douglass” and “We Wear the Mask” and Chief Joseph’s speech, “I Will Fight No More Forever,” at his surrender to the US Army. My students recognized that some racial relationships are cyclical, and were comparing the way the speaker feels in Dunbar’s “Mask” to the way different ethnicities feel they have to put on a mask today. They also did a really good analysis of the original texts, aside from their cultural conversation. It was an excellent discussion, and I was really proud of them! They rock.

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I think the more I wrestle with my place in academia, the Church, and culture, the more difficult it is for me to clearly define who I am or even who I want to be. Sometimes I feel lost in trying to define myself. But, this feeling of confusion helps me to give more grace to those people around me. My own lost sensibility helps me to recognize the chaos inside other people and to give them more grace.

Maybe that is what the psalmists mean when they write, “Deep calls to deep at the roar of the waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves have gone over me.”  Do the speaker know the feeling of being lost within themselves and wondering if anyone else has ever felt that particular sensation? Or are they merely recognizing the fact that God is the only entity who can clearly save us from our own uncertainties. Is this why Paul later writes in Phillipians, “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength”? Does Paul know how God’s deep settles our unsettled deepness? Do the sons of Korah know this, too? They end their Psalm with these words: “Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.” Of course, if you read Psalm 43 along with Psalm 42, you get the whole picture of the speaker asking God to come to his/her aid.

With that said,  I feel like I am getting more adept at locating other people’s weaknesses and giving them support, but I also feel like I am allowing myself to be more vulnerable and also more accepting of the grace of others. I am not sure what this means, but I feel like it is happening.

If I am becoming more like Christ, bring it on.

I want to live graciously in all ways.

I want to be able to say: “I am your message, Lord. Throw me like a blazing torch into the night, that all may see and understand what it means to be a disciple.” – St. Maria Skobtsova, Orthodox nun and martyr (1891-1945)

Swimming and Running and Working…

Oh, my!

On Tuesday night I swam for the first time in a long time. I have been swimming recently, but I haven’t done a real swim–if you can call 2000 yards a real swim–for several years. When I first hopped into the water, I was a little uncertain about the outcome of the evening. To say the least, when I figured out that I could still swim a 500 in under ten minutes, I was completely shocked! I did kicks, pulls, and some straight-up swimming. I started off with a little warm-up and then swam two, 500-yard crawls, then I switched it up with some kicking and pulling, before easing out of the pool with a small cool down. It felt good. My body remembered the water, the motion, the groove.

When I came into class tonight, one of my students, Stephanie, told me that she saw me at the pool on Tuesday. She was in the lane next to mine. I have to say that she is faster than I am, but I am not ashamed because I am 35-fucking-years-old and S-L-O-W. But, I am going again tonight.

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I woke up this morning before the sun and ran my four miles. It was only 45 degrees when I got up, and the leaves blanketed the sidewalks and roads with their crunchiness. I warmed up to a sweat pretty quickly and was glad that I had opted to leave the long-sleeved shirt in the house. For the first two miles, my legs felt stiff and uncooperative, but then I settled into my pace for the third mile. For some reason my last mile is always hard, but I continually pull through.

This morning the fall weather helped because I was on my own quest for solace and rejuvenation. As I began I prayed for a moment, asking for quiet and peace. I was given leaves. Every fall I am given leaves, and I accept them graciously as God’s own gift to me. I realize in my heart of hearts that God didn’t make the beauty of fall just for me, but I like to fantasize that [They] might have, especially when the leaves crunch and the wind blows and the sun rises up slowly, softly over the river.

I used to think that the sunrise was the only good thing about getting up early, and, realistically, it wasn’t good enough for me to get out of bed on a regular basis. In the past few weeks, though, I have realized that the sunrise is the first good thing about getting up early. The second is the silence of the morning. Particularly on Saturday and Sunday, at 5:30 or 6:00 in the morning there are no cars or other people. When I get up that early, I have the birds, the breeze in the tress, the animals scurrying along the river bank, and the occasional dog barking in a yard to myself. I don’t have to share it with anyone else. Third, there is a certain level of peace that hovers over Muncie in the dark, in the quiet. There is a presence of God’s greatness that exists undisturbed. And, it is beautiful. It gives me peace.

I run my first road-race, a 10K, on October 10. It is called Soles to Souls and part of my entry fee will be refunded if I donate gently used shoes that will be distributed to those in need. My second race, a 5-mile trail race, will be on November 1 in Anderson, and I will run with Adam and William. I hope I can finish it, because I have heard that it kicks your ass.

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Work is going well. I take my oral exams next Friday, September 25 at 10 AM. I am nervous, but I think I will be fine.

This I Believe Draft

I have been called a communist. I have been called a socialist. I think communalist or Christian describes me more accurately than either of the other two words. But I won’t balk if anyone calls me a communist or socialist.  I embrace these two names because of the things I believe.

Because I believe that people are inherently good, I believe we could easily live together in harmony if people were willing to do a few things differently. In other words, we need to make some cultural lifestyle changes. People are generally out for themselves because our culture forces them to be. Deep down everyone is generous.  Some cultures thrive by living in community; ours just happens to be more focused on individualism. However, a few small changes could cause big ripples.

I believe we should listen when other people talk. I had a professor who once said to someone in class, “Could you start over? I forgot to listen.” I think he was being honest about a behavior that many of us suffer from on a daily basis: we don’t listen to each other. Instead of having the decency, though, to admit that we forget to listen, we pretend that we are listening all along. Sometimes we even nod our heads as if we agree with the other person, not knowing what it is we’re agreeing to. If we, as humans, truly listened to each other instead of writing our shopping lists, planning our evenings, or thinking about that joke that someone told us earlier, then the world would be much less chaotic because we would all know what other people said instead of pretending like we do. We might also learn something about other people, which in turn might make us more compassionate.

Maybe this could be partially aided if people would return to using common courtesies in their speech, like saying please and thank you. It wouldn’t hurt if we would take the time to answer the question, “How are you?” with an honest answer instead of giving the answer that everyone expects: “Fine.” One day I want to say to someone, “I am not fine. I am dying inside and my soul hurts so bad.” And I want that to be okay. I want to be able to tell people when I struggle, but I also believe we should rejoice when there is reason for rejoicing. Life is good sometimes, most times if we try hard to see the joys. We should be able to celebrate the good and lament the bad together.

I believe part of this inability to connect to other people stems from the fact that we are too in love with our possessions. Especially as Americans, we love our technology, our cars, our houses, our gadgets, and gizmos. Perhaps if we were required each year to donate our one prized possession to a homeless shelter, domestic violence shelter, or children’s home, we would understand that the things are not where our attachments should lie, but that we should become more deeply invested in each other.

If your child could take his favorite toy, donate it to another child who lives in a homeless shelter, build a relationship with that other child, and see what it feels like to be involved in another persons life, maybe we could teach our children that the world doesn’t belong to them as individuals, but it belongs to them as a society. If you would take your computer (before it completely conks out) and donate it to a battered woman who is trying to get a job to get out of her abusive household, imagine the change in her life. Maybe you even have a great business suit you could include in the package. Something as simple as saving your hotel shampoo, lotion, and soap and giving it to men’s shelter makes a big impact in someone’s life. Have you ever tried to get a job without proper bodily hygiene?  Nearly impossible.

This is why I believe in feeding homeless people: we are one bad day from the fifth floor of the VA hospital. Most of us are one bad day from homelessness, too. What happens today on Wall Street could effect you, it could effect me, or it could effect someone we know. How many homeless people are living on the streets because of one bad day? This isn’t to say that some people don’t choose homelessness. Some do. Some people consciously choose to drop out of capitalism, drop out of society, or just fade into the background. I don’t blame them. All the keeping up is hard work. Never walk past another person without making eye contact. You are no better than the teenager with scars up and down his arms, living on the street. We are all  interconnected.

Maybe we should all eat out of dumpsters. Then we could look each other in the eyes. Maybe it is a blessing that we throw away too much. No, it is heresy. We could feed a small country with what we put in the garbage can each day. Each day Americans throw away more than most people eat in a week.  We should all be more frugal.  When I was in high school, my boyfriend and I dumpster dived many times. We foraged–no, gleaned–potato chips from the dumpster behind the Seyfert’s distribution center and sold them at lunch. We used the money to pay for dates, movies, and other things we wanted but didn’t have money for. Looking back, we probably should have just given the chips away and not worried about getting money for them. We didn’t disrupt the capitalist cycle, we just reinvented it.

Maybe I am communist, because I think all people should get paid the same amount of money. The big corporate executive would be nowhere without the people who work in her factories or retail centers, and they would all be no where without the person who cleans up after them all. Where would most people be without coffee farmers, trash collectors, ministers, rabbis, and teachers? Are professional sports and big-name actors or actresses of more worth than their elementary organization sponsors? If we all got paid the same amount for doing what we are good at, then we could go about doing those things without feeling the pressure of keeping up with the Joneses, never mind that the Joneses work no harder for their possessions than we do. I suppose if we weren’t obsessed with possessions, we wouldn’t care if we couldn’t keep up with the Joneses, though.

I believe no one should look at you funny if you make change out of the offering plate at church. God doesn’t care if you only have a twenty but can only afford to give up five for the Church. God cares more that you are giving something than nothing. Remember the story of the poor widow’s mite.  God will multiply your five dollars and use it to feed and clothe the masses. Haven’t you ever read the story of the loaves and the fishes?

That story, I will add, confirms what I have been writing: life is all about sharing, gleaning, feeding, and giving what you have to others. Call it communism if you must. I will call it being like Christ.

Vacation. Comps. Pastorless.

As is the case every year at Labor Day, Bec and I are up here in Wisconsin spending some time with her parents before we go to Door County to camp with Andy, Tim, Claire, and Whitney. This year I think everyone is ready to get away from the madness of the world and spend a little time out in nature, even if it means sleeping out in a tent in the middle of the darkest woods imaginable, using a pit toilet that may or may not be a half-mile from the campsite, and riding our bicycles twenty-plus miles each day. Getting away is a good thing, especially when it involves not bathing in a real shower for a couple of days. We are only camping for two nights, but I wish it could be for weeks. I think I could live out in the woods with no problem. Of course, I would miss my friends, but they could come visit!

Last night for dinner, we had some amazing Sloppy Joes. Georgie had printed off a recipe for “Summer Squash Sloppy Joes,” but it called for a pound of hamburger. I went to the store and got a pound and a half of mushrooms—portabellos and shitakes—and we chopped them up instead of the meat. The resulting sandwiches, complete with broiled buns with cheddar cheese, were tasty. We also had tomatoes, beans, and onions from Jack’s garden. It was a fine repast.

I also ate good food for lunch yesterday. I met a former classmate, Jill, in Green Bay at Z Harvest Cafe. I would love to provide a link, but I don’t think they have a website, and if they do, I can’t find it. I had minestrone soup, the most amazing black bean burger ever, and delicious bread sticks. When I got home, I ate Jill’s homemade banana cream pie for dessert. Not exactly a low-calorie lunch, but it was delicious and that is what food is for, pleasing the palate. What a weird expression, “pleasing the palate,” since the palate is the roof of your mouth and has no taste buds. My lunch titillated my taste buds. They are still tingling. Ah, good alliteration: titillated tase buds tingle. Mmm.

For some reason (a reason like Bec’s snoring) I woke up at 4AM and now I am just waiting until it gets a little lighter outside, so I can go out and run. I would go now, but the front door is right next to Jack and Georgie’s bedroom door, and I don’t want them to wonder why someone is coming in or going out at 5:25. They should be waking up soon, so I will just go once they do. I toyed with not running at all today because we will be biking all day and hiking at least 4.4 miles to take our camping stuff into the campsite. However, hiking with a pack is not the same as running, so I will just do both. I have been walking at least 5 miles, and sometimes as much as 9 miles, each day anyway, so I should be okay with all of it.

EDIT: I just ran 5.86 miles!

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I passed my comps. I really have nothing else to say about it. Now onto the oral exams; then off to writing my dissertation proposal.

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Tomorrow is the first day that Agape will be without David, and I am glad we will not be there. I am not sure I want to go back, but I am sure we will. Bec likes to play on the praise team. I want to honor that, and I have to imagine that God will work this together for good for those who love [Them], but I am absolutely scared shitless about the pastor we will get. I said at dinner last night, that if I can attend three services in a row without getting so angry that I want to get up and leave, I will stay. However, if I go three times and get so angry I want to get up and leave, I will be finding a new church.

I know this makes me sound petty and like the least merciful or gracious person around, but I can’t deal with conservative bullshit rhetoric. I am afraid of it. I am not afraid to have my opinion challenged or my beliefs shaken, but I am afraid of being beaten down by people who proof-text Scripture to make minute points about things that don’t matter in the long-run. I hope that this will not be the case, but I fear that it will be.

Essentially, my life is hopeful in every direction except the Spiritual one. Not that this means that my personal faith has been shaken like it has been before in my life, but I question/fear the corporate decisions of my church family. Still, despite my angst, I remain hopeful.

I Believe…

  1. people are inherently good.
  2. in smelling flowers.
  3. in watching butterflies.
  4. that if everyone rode a motorcycle, we would be a much more peaceful planet.
  5. in God.
  6. tattoos make skin beautiful.
  7. in sleeping for at least 9 hours each night.
  8. that tragedies happen for a reason.
  9. that we should share what we have with people who don’t have as much.
  10. in feeding homeless people.
  11. people live the best in community.
  12. in running.
  13. reading helps us to understand each other on a deeper level.
  14. what we eat matters.
  15. that beer is good.
  16. everyone should get paid the same amount.
  17. there should be no racism.
  18. that gay people should be allowed to marry.
  19. we should think for ourselves.
  20. people should say please and thank you.
  21. we should revere our elders.
  22. we should train our children up in a calm, guiding manner.
  23. in grace.
  24. people should listen when other people talk.
  25. people should answer the question, “How are you?” with an honest answer.
  26. you should be able to make change out of the offering plate at church.
  27. vanilla malts with frosted flakes and mini marshmallows are next to heaven in loveliness.
  28. I could eat pizza for every meal.
  29. swine flu is a government scare tactic to keep us paranoid.
  30. people should be able to dress comfortably for all occasions.
  31. clothing designers should learn that not all fat women are busty.
  32. we should spend time discussing ideas and not people.
  33. each year people should have to donate their most prized possession to a homeless shelter, domestic violence shelter, or children’s home.
  34. most ill-feelings can be cured by walking in the woods.
  35. squirrels really are out to get us.
  36. when people swim they release their stress into the water with each stroke.
  37. hormones kill brain cells.
  38. most good music was made in the late 60s, early 70s.
  39. diamonds are not a girls best friend.
  40. we should still talk about AIDS and other STDs in health class, and talk about ways other than abstinence to prevent them.
  41. every child deserves a happy childhood, but does not need to be spoiled to accomplish that childhood.
  42. in equal rights for all people.
  43. we throw away too much. We should be more frugal.
  44. Chuck Taylors and Five Fingers are the world’s most perfect shoes.
  45. in gleaning out of dumpsters.