Category Archives: Relationships

Things Have Kind of Fallen Apart This Week

Posted on 1 March 2010 | 2 comments

Over the weekend, it was my intention to get all of my grading finished for the students at both Burris and BSU, but it didn’t happen because of my stupid computer. I am about to get a really big flash drive, so I don’t have to depend upon my computer anymore. It’s beginning to act like it might crash again soon.

On Saturday, I spent the morning editing some student work, making all sorts of great comments on their papers, and typing up some professional documents (letters of recommendation and the like). When I sent my students’ work to them (supposedly with my comments), they both wrote back and said that they couldn’t see the comments. My lovely computer decided not to save any of the changes I had made and instead only re-saved their original documents. Awesome. I decided to check on the other documents I had spent the morning writing to see if they were safe and sound. No dice. Everything I did on Saturday had to be re-done on Sunday, so I lost my grading day. Boo.

Other than the loss of some documents, the weekend was great. It was Abbie’s birthday weekend and we went to Ivanhoe’s and gorged ourselves on ice cream. I had a vanilla malt with chocolate chip cookie dough in it, and I ate a delicious grilled cheese sandwich and some cheesy fries as well.

On our way to Ivanhoe’s we went geocaching, which is a whole new experience for me. We found a couple of caches in two of my favorite cemeteries, but the one that was supposedly by Matthew’s Covered Bridge was nowhere to be found. Either it was buried in the snow, or someone had stolen it. We had a great time romping through the snow to try to find them, though!

On Sunday afternoon, after I had rewritten all the work I had done on Saturday, we went to Welliver’s which is a smorgasbord in Hagerstown. We go there every year for Abs’ birthday, and we always end up eating way too much. I had more food than I thought I could possibly eat, and as a result I got pretty uncomfortable last night. At least I didn’t get diarrhea or throw up as a result. I did however sleep for about twelve hours. I am just not used to eating that much food, but I suppose I felt like I should because it is so expensive, and I definitely don’t want to do it again any time soon.

I felt like I could eat that much food because I ran nine miles this weekend: six on Saturday and three on Sunday. It felt pretty good, but my “recovery run” on Sunday felt harder than the six miles on Saturday. I guess it was because my legs were already so tired from the long run that I exhausted them on Sunday. I am looking forward to next weekend when we get to go to Indy on Saturday morning for the practice run, but I am looking more forward to it because it signals the beginning of Spring Break.

Of course, Spring Break is an oxymoron. Spring Break should be called Spring Catch Up on Everything. I have to finish out the schedule for my Burris students, do the taxes, work on my dissertation proposal, grade everything under the sun, and a couple of other things during the “break.” I am sure I will succeed in getting it all accomplished, though, because I always do.

On a sad note, my cat Mojo died last night. He has been sick for a long time, and the vet couldn’t even figure out what was wrong with him. When we went downstairs this morning he was just lying there in the middle of the floor. Dead. At least he is no longer suffering, and he got to eat like a king last night. We got some extra special food for the cats yesterday, and he ate most of the can. Of course, he threw all of it up, undigested, half an hour after he ate it, but he still got to have one delightful last meal. Now, sadly, he is in the freezer in a garbage bag, waiting for the ground to thaw so I can bury him by Mushi or with the other pets at my parents’ house.

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I haven’t done much in the way of memorizing, nor can I think of something new to be thankful for today.

I do not want to list my food consumption or my exercise.

Peace.

2 Comments

Posted in Food, Relationships, Running, Winter Weather

Humbling Experiences All Around

Posted on 14 February 2010 | 1 comment

Have you ever simply looked around and realized that when you open up and let God have [Their] way with you, you see humbling experiences all around?

That experience could be a friend who loses a child, a students’ mother who has cancer, a friend who is honest about her theological struggles, or a significant other who works hard even in the face of adversity. And somehow, they all seem to handle it with so much more grace than you think you ever could. They seem to dance and swirl in and around these adversities while you plod and thud and generally make a mess of navigating the obstacle course. You trip; they glide. And that’s just how it is. But you recognize it and are humbled by the grace of it all.

Maybe the experience comes in the quirky voice of a young pastor who encourages you to figure out who you really are, and who equates the story of our lives to writing, reminding us that it’s character that drives the story. “Plot grows out of character,” says Anne Lamott. If you have no character, you have a bad plot. What is your character? How is it shaping your plot? Our plot?

Maybe the experience comes in a class in which you feel you don’t belong, but the professor reminds you that you, too, are a teller of truth. You still feel desperately inadequate, and you hope, beyond hope, that you might actually write something that makes you feel less so.

Maybe the experience comes when you learn that people don’t perceive your actions the way you intend for them to perceive them, that they don’t get who you are and what you are about. They don’t understand that more than anything else you respect all of humanity, trying each day to see Jesus inside each body, each heart, each mind.

Maybe that experience comes when you have such an intense respect for others you have a physiological response to homelessness that isn’t pity, but something deeper that you can’t name. Your heart doesn’t break, but you wish that instead of learning from them, you could find something inside yourself to teach.

Maybe these experiences happen all around you, all the time, but you just can’t see them unfolding. Maybe you are so caught up in making your story work that you can’t see the things God is trying to make work for you. That is who I am most of the time, but I am trying to see God’s hand in it, and I am working to let God write my story, and I am seeking to be the character I think I am meant to be. And it’s humbling.

This isn’t the most exciting video, but I think the words go well with how I am feeling right now.

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I am thankful for finishing another draft.

Food: banana, juice, oatmeal, chocolate milk, cookies, rice noodle soup, granola bar, diet 7-Up, rice crackers, two pieces of pizza and bread sticks, Taddy Porter

Exercise: walked the dogs, walked home from church, ran 3 miles, rode bike from RB to church

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Seeing the crowd, Jesus went up on the mountain and sat down. His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them. Blessed are those who are poor in spirit, for their is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for the they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they will receive mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of God. Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets before you.

1 Comment

Posted in Beer, Biking, Dissertation, Food, Grace, Homelessness, Relationships, Religion, Running, Vegetarian or Vegan

Gotta Love My Life. Oh, Yes, I Do!

Posted on 13 February 2010 | 4 comments

Just as I sat down to write tonight, I heard a weird noise. Half-sounding like Becky wheezing when her asthma is bad and half-sounding like my poor mostly-dead Mojo-cat crying, the noise I realized was the Bullshit-Fuck Guy who occasionally walks past our house. I think I wrote about him last summer when he awakened us at four in the morning with a string of curse words that I could have ridden from here to Nebraska. He was hurling them out of his mouth like Zeus threw thunderbolts but they were missing every target and hitting the concrete hard. “Fuck all of y’all. This is bullshit. Fuck! Shit!” These sounds followed him all the way from Granville and Walnut to Elm Street. The noise I just heard was the same voice, the same intonation shouting, “Fuck all y’all. This is bullshit.” All of our lights are on, and I think he saw us look out the window because he only said it twice and then stopped. But I am not sure if he is rational enough to stop because people are looking. He may have just decided not to fuck all y’all.

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Today was the first training run for the Indy-Mini. I felt pretty good going into it because I have been doing all of the runs on my training plan. I was only worried this morning about the temperature and the fact that I had been training on the evil arc-trainer instead of outside. It was snot-freezing cold, and I was afraid my lungs would burn. However, I finished with my best time for a 5K yet: 40.11. That is 12:56 per mile, which beats the hell out of my time last time (44 and some odd seconds). Next month we run 6.1 miles, and I hope to finish in about 1:20.00. Obviously, that is the same average speed for six miles as I ran for three miles, but I seem to be a bit of a metronome. After the race, one of the Burris students who also runs came over and chatted with me, and I think that made my day really sweet.

When I began this running thing, I honestly thought I wouldn’t last. I thought I would wuss out and stop after a couple of months. I started last June 13, weighing in at 256 pounds when my family and I got back from summer vacation. My average time for a mile when I started run/walking was 16 minutes. I am happy to say that I have lost 35 pounds—I had lost 45, but then there’s Christmas and all—and my time hovers right around 13 minutes per mile. My goal is to finish the Mini in under 3 hours. If I can run 13 minutes per mile for the entire time, I should finish right at 2:49.00. I would be thrilled. Hell, I will be thrilled just to finish.

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On the way home from the training today, we stopped at Trader Joe’s. I purchased a “Mystery Beer” sampler, which consists of six beers selected by the workers of Trader Joe’s all for the low, low price of $6.43. The trick is that you don’t know what beers you are getting. Of course I couldn’t wait until I got home to see what beers I had received, so I opened the bag in the parking lot. I got a Trader Jose’s (like Coronoa), several lagers, a couple of ales, and, prepare yourself, one was in a can. A can? Unless it’s PBR, it shouldn’t come in a can. What an abomination!

Once I got over the startling realization that I would be drinking beer from a can, we got in the car and drove home. We had to stop at PetSmart and buy food for the animals, and then we headed to Marsh for some final ingredients for one of our favorite dishes, Spicy Pinenut Basil Pasta. We were out of pinenuts, and I was out of orange juice. (If you are wondering if there is a reason I am telling you all of this, there is.) As we were in traffic on McGalliard, waiting for the light to change on Oakwood, I started to get a bit of a headache. By the time we arrived at Marsh, I told Bec she would have to drive home.

When we got home, I thought I would just go sleep off my headache because it didn’t seem to be horrible. Was I ever wrong!  I experienced the worst migraine I have had since I have been an adult. I wish my head had only felt like it was in a vice grip. Instead it felt as if Santa, his reindeer, and the Easter Bunny were tap-dancing inside my sinus cavities. Typically, I can take four Ibuprofen (but I hate taking medicine), and my headaches go away, so after I tried sleeping it off with no success, I reluctantly took four Ibuprofen and tried to go back to bed. I couldn’t even lie down. I was nauseous and in intense pain, so I did what every grown person who gets a headache does. I cried. Hard. In fact, I was a blubbering fool, making quite a little spectacle out of myself. I tried taking a hot shower, but felt like I was going to pass out and fall in the tub, so I went upstairs and laid down in my bed. When I woke up it was 7:33. I slept for four hours in all. Ridiculous. It’s a good thing I have all day tomorrow to work on my dissertation proposal that is supposed to be finished tomorrow night.

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When I finally woke up, I decided to go ahead and make Deliciousness (see above pasta dish) for dinner, and it ended up being one of the best batches I’ve made. That went to so well, I thought I would continue by making some vegan chocolate cookies. I used this recipe but replaced the eggs with bananas, the butter with vegan margarine, the white sugar with half as much brown sugar, the white flour with wheat flour, and the chocolate chips with dried cranberries and almonds. In short, I totally changed the recipe, but now it’s vegan and somewhat healthy. Well, it’s as healthy as cookies can be, right? But we don’t eat cookies to be healthy. The cookies are waiting in the refrigerator until I get finished typing this, then I will go bake them. I am sure they will be scandalously delicious.EDIT: They are awesome! Mmmm.

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I have decided yet again to work more diligently at only saying things that are kind, positive, and edifying. I find that I can be incredibly angst-ridden, bitter, and negative if I let myself be. I don’t want to be those things, so I am again regrouping and making a concentrated effort to only say those things that leave people feeling better about themselves after they have been with me. I like people who leave me feeling that way. I want to be one of them for others.

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Finally, I come to the end of this long, long post. I am working diligently on this Sermon on the Mount: Now when Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on the mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them: “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for they will inherit the kingdom of God. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of God. Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.” Again, the bold indicates the parts I couldn’t remember. Maybe I should employ these suggestions.

Here’s a Sermon on the Mount video for you to enjoy:

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I am thankful for people I don’t know who congratulate me on a good run and cheer for the slow kids in the back of the pack.

Food: banana before running, juice, banana after running, apple, shortbread, chocolate milk, chips and hummus, whole wheat pasta with tofu, mushrooms, basil, and pinenuts, beer, two cookies

Exercise: walked the dogs, ran 3.1 miles

4 Comments

Posted in Beer, Dissertation, Fat, Food, Grace, Relationships, Running, Vegetarian or Vegan

Codename: Kids Next Door

Posted on 3 February 2010 | 1 comment

While waiting for my lunch/dinner to bake in the 400º oven for 60-75 minutes, I just watched the strangest cartoon I have seen since I was a kid and Q-bert was part of the Saturday morning line-up. The episode of Codename: Kids Next Door that was on involves a box of Rainbow Crunch Puffs or some such cereal. There is only box left, and everyone wants it. After multiple fights in which various villains/good guys destroy the grocery store in their overzealous attempts to conquer their foes, a character who looks like an old private eye, complete with a pipe and a cap, but shrouded in a dark, reclusive silhouette uses fire power to pop corn and then burn it up. By doing so he exposes several children dressed as superheroes who are hiding under all the popped corn.

I can only assume said children were the “Kids Next Door,” but they didn’t have the cereal either. Of course, the person who ends up with the cereal only wants it because he wants to destroy it.”It’s bad for your teeth, you know,” says the retainer-clad, head-gear-wearing villain. Somehow, everyone in the grocery store combines forces, overpowers Retainer Head and eats the last box of Rainbow Crunch Puffs in a communal breakfast. Just weird. Now, of course, Misadventures of Flapjack is on. Weirder.*

Today wasn’t such a great day. I feel like I am spinning my wheels lately. I am having that feeling that I have every once in a while. I get this notion in my head that I can’t succeed, well, not simply succeed but excel, at anything I am doing. I feel like I am being torn in too many directions: teaching at BSU, teaching at Burris, grading for BSU, grading for Burris, helping edit a high school literary journal, writing a conference paper, writing my dissertation proposal, spending quality time with people who are close to me, trying to find a real job for next year, running, swimming, and sleep. Instead of being able to put “my queer shoulder to the wheel” and get stuff done, I get overwhelmed and can’t do anything.

It’s like I slip into this rote compulsive mode: check Facebook, check email, check phone, check Facebook, check email, check phone, and on and on. It’s quite ridiculous, but I really can’t help it. It’s like I am driven to distract myself from feeling like a failure. Then I get sleepy and just want to sleep. What’s so strange about all of this is that I don’t feel depressed. I just feel overwhelmed and like I want to avoid the things I have to do. Even though I was sick over the weekend, it isn’t like me to sleep for fourteen hours. Eight or nine, yes. But fourteen, no.

Part of what I am going to force myself to avoid are the conflicts around me that I have no control over. I can’t control what other people do. Some people are simply jack-asses. I keep thinking that one day I will discover a group of people who can get along like I think adults should be able to get along. You know, show grace, compassion, respect, integrity, kindness, equality, and responsibility. Is it too much to ask for adults to be able to exhibit the characteristics we expect from children?

I just need to stop being delusional. People aren’t naturally good. People are fallen, and no amount of my thinking they are good at heart is going to make them so. People are selfish, egotistical, and greedy. They don’t look out for each other. Why can’t I just recognize this and go on? Why do I insist on trying to see the good in people who clearly aren’t good? I want them to be, I think, so I keep hoping they will be. I guess I can still hope. I can always hope, but I need to stop basing my faith in the lies of other people. I need to remember where my true hope lies and focus more on that. All this worldly stuff just makes me bitter, like bad coffee.

I can’t afford to focus on these things, however. I have a dissertation proposal to write, papers to grade, a conference paper to write, and lessons to plan.

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I am thankful that my mostly dead cat is not completely dead.

Food: banana, juice, muffin, chocolate milk, apple, bean/rice/veggie pot pie, ginger ale

Exercise: walked the dogs, ran 3.5 miles

(Yesterday: ran 3 miles, walked dogs, walked from Burris to RB)

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Posted in Coffee, Dissertation, Food, Grace, Relationships, Running, School, Writing

I didn’t post last night

Posted on 30 January 2010 | 1 comment

because I was tired and the right side of my face feels like a colony of meerkats has invaded and taken up residency. I think they spent a good portion of last night constructing their little huts/tunnels in the sinus cavity directly below my right eye and near my jaw. In fact, I think they are using my upper-right molars as grounding for their infrastructure.

Mucinex does nothing to get rid of meerkats. The huge horse pills don’t work on meerkats at all in the same way they work on the Mucus family in the commercial. The Mucinex is probably being used by them, as we speak, to paint their walls, carpet their floors, and spruce up their kitchens and bathrooms. The one side of the pill is a pretty blue color, similar to the blue of my living room. It might look nice inside my sinuses.

Since I didn’t write yesterday, I will use this post as a moment of foreshadowing today. In just a few minutes, I am going to go get dressed in my running clothes, drive to Anderson, and run around Shadyside Park with my brother. Today’s run is a four-miler in 18º weather with a bit of a breeze. After we run, we are going to go back to his house and move his bedroom downstairs, or we will go eat lunch. Then we will do whichever we did not do first.

After spending some time with my brother, I plan to come home and make some pot-pies for a family at school whose lives are being disrupted by cancer. I am making vegan pot-pies, chocolate chocolate-chip cookies, and salad. I hope they like the meal; if not, I hope they are comfortable ordering pizza. Whenever I hear of someone with breast cancer, I always think of Suzie and how I should have been there more for her, done more for her family, or at least sent a card every once in a while. I just feel this intense guilt when I think about it, that I could have done more.

Finally, tonight we are going to try out a new restaurant in Muncie. We are going with the Combers to Two Johnny’s. On their website, which takes forever to load, the restaurant looks much fancier than what I think it is. Essentially, from what I can tell, it is a soup and sandwich joint that offers other cuisine for dinner. I am going to try some soup and a veggie sandwich. I love soup in the winter.

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I am thankful for sleep and kleenex.

Food: banana, juice, oatmeal, chocolate milk, almonds, apple, chinese buffet, superman ice cream

Exercise: walked the dogs, walked from Burris to RB

1 Comment

Posted in Food, Relationships, Running, Vegetarian or Vegan, Winter Weather