Category Archives: Running

Nostalgia and Grading

Posted on 4 October 2009 | 1 comment

As usual, I am down to the wire on grading, but I am at my brother’s house because we are going to go run after they (Adam, Zac, and William) get back from church. After the events of last weekend, William is living with my brother every weekend now; he is required by his grandfather to go to church every Sunday. As soon as Zac, who spent the night with William last night, gets out of the shower, they are going to leave. Church starts at 11:02 and lasts for about an hour. I think I can finish grading the class I am working on while they are gone. Then I just have the other class to go.

I would finish the papers right now, but my brother is using YouTube to watch the theme songs from old cartoons and television shows that we used to watch. So far we have done Sesame Street, The Electric Company, 3-2-1 Contact, Shirt Tales, The Littles, Fat Albert, Jem, and Rubik, The Amazing Cube. At the top of the computer’s volume. He watches these as the television is on in the corner. Football players talking in their dull, slow monotone juxtaposed with the quick, jingly melodies of cartoon theme songs, all while grading, makes for no grading at all.

I just used my minute of silence while Adam and William went outside to do a photo-shoot of William in his red polo to post this, so I guess I am partially to blame for the fact that I will be up until the wee hours of the morning finishing my grading. So be it. At least I am consistent.

I will post more about this ridiculously hilly run later. I hope it prepares me well for the 10K next weekend.

EDIT: This run was amazing. I wish I lived in Anderson or two reasons: I would get to see my brother more often and I could run at the Mounds every weekend. I love trail running because it is such a change from the drudgery of the street. Once you’ve seen one asphalt or concrete  thoroughfare, you’ve seen them all. Of course, the scenery on a street is ever-changing, but the foot-feel is monotonous. I sort of jones on having to watch for roots and rocks with every footstep. The route we ran took us along the river, up and down several hills in the woods, and past a few of the park’s features, like the Great Mound, a brick house, and their park office. The only thing that sucked was their marking system. I mean, there wasn’t one. I thought I was lost, but I just kept running along the river, assuming that I would either make it back to Muncie or to Illinois.

1 Comment

Posted in Running, Teaching

Still Twisted Up in My Midsection

Posted on 30 September 2009 | 4 comments

This is how I feel. Like a puddle of yuck by the side of the road.

I_see_this_colour_by_dev1n

I am still a bit twisted up, but for different reasons. I am finished wasting away over not studying for my exams as thoroughly as I should have–barely at all–and still passing them. I do occasionally, like right now, feel guilty about my ability to get by, but more importantly,  I think I am disgusted at my apathy. I assume one day my ability to get by will cease to exist, and then I will be stuck not knowing how to do it any other way. I just want to finish school, to get a job, and to do what I think I love, which is teaching, though sometimes I still wrestle with what I perceive to be my calling into ministry. What am I doing with that?

Really, I just want to find what it is that makes me happy. I think it is teaching. I love it when I am teaching, but can I see myself doing it forever? Yeah. But, I want to sense that passion that I see in other people for doing what they love. I want to be in a position where I can do what I love and not worry if it makes money. I suppose that is what everyone wants. I guess I am not finished stressing about any of this, but I have just added more stress on top of it. And, as always, I have shoved it all down so I don’t have to deal with it. I suppose one day I will explode. Then I will really look like a puddle of yuck by the side of the road.

*

I am struggling right now with being a Christian and not liking my pastor. I feel sort of shallow for disliking him, because he hasn’t really done anything wrong. He just doesn’t wrestle with the text in an intellectual way. He processes it emotionally and thinks it is okay to stop there. I want a pastor who stresses himself or herself out over a reading of Scripture that s/he can live with, not who moves solely by emotion to interpret it. I want exegesis and hermeneautics. You know, intellectual wrangling, cultural application, and faithful interpretations. I don’t want Muppet videos, funny voices, and jumping up and down. I can get excited about a life-changing, hierarchy-smashing ethic without fireworks. If God’s word doesn’t have the power to change and shape my heart and my mind, no amount of emotion is going to either.

Does this mean I am above emotional response to Scripture? By no means. I simply mean that I don’t think hearts are changed through emotive blasts of performance, but they are changed by the Truth of the words spoken. If the words spoken contain few Truths, it doesn’t matter how excitedly they are spoken. If the words are empty, they bang hollow off the back wall of the church and resound slowly around the room. Their hollowness is not masked by their magnitude or frequency. They are still just words.

So, please give me solid spiritual food. I am finished with the milk. Or am I? Maybe this is my problem: I am not finished with the milk. I am still trying to figure out whether I follow Paul or Apollos. As Paul writes:

Brothers and sisters, I could not address you as spiritual but as worldly—mere infants in Christ. I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready. You are still worldly. For since there is jealousy and quarreling among you, are you not worldly? Are you not acting like mere human beings? For when one says, “I follow Paul,” and another, “I follow Apollos,” are you not mere human beings?

Is this my problem? Am I still so worried about the human I follow that I deserve to still drink milk? Maybe, my goal in addressing this problem should be changing my own attitude about it, rather than expecting some type of external change. After all, it makes Bec happy to help lead worship, so I guess I should try to change my own heart before bailing out. I should change my heart to follow Jesus rather than being so needy and leaning on a man who is merely God’s servant. I am sure he is trying to do what he thinks is best. I am sure there those who didn’t like Paul, Peter, Apollos, James or any of the other apostles or early teachers of Christianity, but their dislike for their human leaders did not dissuade them from being part of the Church.

*

At times like these, I am especially grateful for my relatively new athletic endeavors.

Swimming is going well. Last night, I swam 1000 yards in under twenty minutes, which isn’t bad for me. I was going to time myself on a mile, but I didn’t have much time to swim because I had to get a ride from Bec. I didn’t ride my bike yesterday because my bag was too heavy, and I didn’t want to walk home in the dark. Still, I swam 1600 yards in about 35 minutes. That should count for something.

Running is going okay. I ran five and a half miles yesterday, and I am scheduled to run the same tomorrow morning. After I ran yesterday, my feet felt like I had been hitting the bottoms of them with a hammer. I need new shoes, so I will go get those since I finally got paid. I hope they have a pair of the same ones I got last time. If they do, I will just buy them so I don’t have to try on a bunch of new ones. I could really use new trail shoes, too, but I only have enough money for one pair.

On Sunday, I am going to run with Adam. We are going to run the five miles that we will run together in a race on November 1. Apparently, the race is grueling and Adam wants me to run the trails before race day. Either way, I am running it. I may come in last, but I will finish. If I have to walk, I will finish. The race and practice run should be good times. And good stress release.I am surprised I don’t run more, fueled by my stress.

4 Comments

Posted in Grace, Just for Fun, Religion, Running, School, Swimming

Swimming and Running and Working…

Posted on 17 September 2009 | 5 comments

Oh, my!

On Tuesday night I swam for the first time in a long time. I have been swimming recently, but I haven’t done a real swim–if you can call 2000 yards a real swim–for several years. When I first hopped into the water, I was a little uncertain about the outcome of the evening. To say the least, when I figured out that I could still swim a 500 in under ten minutes, I was completely shocked! I did kicks, pulls, and some straight-up swimming. I started off with a little warm-up and then swam two, 500-yard crawls, then I switched it up with some kicking and pulling, before easing out of the pool with a small cool down. It felt good. My body remembered the water, the motion, the groove.

When I came into class tonight, one of my students, Stephanie, told me that she saw me at the pool on Tuesday. She was in the lane next to mine. I have to say that she is faster than I am, but I am not ashamed because I am 35-fucking-years-old and S-L-O-W. But, I am going again tonight.

*

I woke up this morning before the sun and ran my four miles. It was only 45 degrees when I got up, and the leaves blanketed the sidewalks and roads with their crunchiness. I warmed up to a sweat pretty quickly and was glad that I had opted to leave the long-sleeved shirt in the house. For the first two miles, my legs felt stiff and uncooperative, but then I settled into my pace for the third mile. For some reason my last mile is always hard, but I continually pull through.

This morning the fall weather helped because I was on my own quest for solace and rejuvenation. As I began I prayed for a moment, asking for quiet and peace. I was given leaves. Every fall I am given leaves, and I accept them graciously as God’s own gift to me. I realize in my heart of hearts that God didn’t make the beauty of fall just for me, but I like to fantasize that [They] might have, especially when the leaves crunch and the wind blows and the sun rises up slowly, softly over the river.

I used to think that the sunrise was the only good thing about getting up early, and, realistically, it wasn’t good enough for me to get out of bed on a regular basis. In the past few weeks, though, I have realized that the sunrise is the first good thing about getting up early. The second is the silence of the morning. Particularly on Saturday and Sunday, at 5:30 or 6:00 in the morning there are no cars or other people. When I get up that early, I have the birds, the breeze in the tress, the animals scurrying along the river bank, and the occasional dog barking in a yard to myself. I don’t have to share it with anyone else. Third, there is a certain level of peace that hovers over Muncie in the dark, in the quiet. There is a presence of God’s greatness that exists undisturbed. And, it is beautiful. It gives me peace.

I run my first road-race, a 10K, on October 10. It is called Soles to Souls and part of my entry fee will be refunded if I donate gently used shoes that will be distributed to those in need. My second race, a 5-mile trail race, will be on November 1 in Anderson, and I will run with Adam and William. I hope I can finish it, because I have heard that it kicks your ass.

*

Work is going well. I take my oral exams next Friday, September 25 at 10 AM. I am nervous, but I think I will be fine.

5 Comments

Posted in Running, School, Swimming, Winter Weather

I Believe…

Posted on 3 September 2009 | 4 comments
  1. people are inherently good.
  2. in smelling flowers.
  3. in watching butterflies.
  4. that if everyone rode a motorcycle, we would be a much more peaceful planet.
  5. in God.
  6. tattoos make skin beautiful.
  7. in sleeping for at least 9 hours each night.
  8. that tragedies happen for a reason.
  9. that we should share what we have with people who don’t have as much.
  10. in feeding homeless people.
  11. people live the best in community.
  12. in running.
  13. reading helps us to understand each other on a deeper level.
  14. what we eat matters.
  15. that beer is good.
  16. everyone should get paid the same amount.
  17. there should be no racism.
  18. that gay people should be allowed to marry.
  19. we should think for ourselves.
  20. people should say please and thank you.
  21. we should revere our elders.
  22. we should train our children up in a calm, guiding manner.
  23. in grace.
  24. people should listen when other people talk.
  25. people should answer the question, “How are you?” with an honest answer.
  26. you should be able to make change out of the offering plate at church.
  27. vanilla malts with frosted flakes and mini marshmallows are next to heaven in loveliness.
  28. I could eat pizza for every meal.
  29. swine flu is a government scare tactic to keep us paranoid.
  30. people should be able to dress comfortably for all occasions.
  31. clothing designers should learn that not all fat women are busty.
  32. we should spend time discussing ideas and not people.
  33. each year people should have to donate their most prized possession to a homeless shelter, domestic violence shelter, or children’s home.
  34. most ill-feelings can be cured by walking in the woods.
  35. squirrels really are out to get us.
  36. when people swim they release their stress into the water with each stroke.
  37. hormones kill brain cells.
  38. most good music was made in the late 60s, early 70s.
  39. diamonds are not a girls best friend.
  40. we should still talk about AIDS and other STDs in health class, and talk about ways other than abstinence to prevent them.
  41. every child deserves a happy childhood, but does not need to be spoiled to accomplish that childhood.
  42. in equal rights for all people.
  43. we throw away too much. We should be more frugal.
  44. Chuck Taylors and Five Fingers are the world’s most perfect shoes.
  45. in gleaning out of dumpsters.

4 Comments

Posted in Beer, Fat, Feminism, Food, Grace, Motorcycles, Politics, Queer, Reading, Relationships, Religion, Running, School, Teaching, Writing

It’s Been a Long Time…

Posted on 25 August 2009 | 2 comments

…been a long time, been a long lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time. Sure has. Nothing like a little led Zeppelin to get the day going. I am not sure I even really like Led Zeppelin, but I like this song even though I have never really understood what it was about. It’s amazing that I could listen to a song a million times, at every high school dance (the three I went to) and on the radio, and never really get the lyrics.

I suppose it hasn’t really been lonely, but it has been a long time since I have written anything. So much has happened since the last time I wrote, it seems like light years since I went to Michigan, since Merideth got engaged, since I took my comprehensive exams, since Jacob spent two weeks at our house and taught me to love disc golf, and since Dave, the little man who is fixing our house, started fixing our house.

Because so much has been going on, I feel a little life-vertigo, like no matter where I put my foot down, it will be the wrong location and everything might come toppling down. I am not saying this to sound dramatic, I just feel a bit disoriented. I don’t, however, feel stressed, though I must be because I woke up yesterday with this kink in a muscle in my back. Today it was worse. While we were walking the dogs this morning, Bec said that I have the most amazing ability to somatize my stress. I do. I would much rather have a sore muscle than to have some deadly illness like I had last winter.

I started running last winter with the intention of finishing the mini-marathon in Indy, but I got so sick I couldn’t keep running. My lungs were pissed and they were having no part of my exercising in the cold air. Well, I since have started running again, and I am up to running 4 miles at a 12-minute mile pace. I say that’s not too shabby for a fat kid. I was supposed to run this morning, but when I woke up at 5:30, it was dark outside so I slept until 6:30 and walked the dogs.

Since the last time I posted, I have taken a Nazarite Vow that will end when my dissertation is finished. I took it on my birthday, July 22, by shaving my head and spending the day relaxing and contemplating the parameters of the vow. I amended the original Jewish vow, so I am not only following it, but I also added some things of my own. For the next year and a half to two years, I am abstaining from anything containing grapes, wine, or raisins, all alcohol, cutting my hair, eating meat, caffeine, sugary foods. In the same time period, it is my goal to walk at least 5 miles each day, which can include the morning run.  I plan to start swimming three times a week next week, as well. It is also my goal to run a marathon before I turn 40. So far, I am doing pretty well with my goals, and I have been managing quite well abstaining. The side-perk is that I have lost 30-35 pounds.

I feel all rusty and weird writing. I am having a hard time being articulate and creative without feeling like I am forcing it. I guess this is why every writing book, every writer, says that writing should be something that we do every day. I suppose, too, I should actually write about the things I mentioned in the first paragraph, which is typically what one does when setting up a piece of writing. Introduction: body: conclusion.

I should start off by talking about my vacation with Merideth’s family. We stayed at Little Bear Lake Hideaway, and the lake was beautiful. I swam across it, kayaked around it, and ran or walked the road that circled it every day we were there. One day I even went around twice. Usually I was the first one up and out of the cabin, so I got to see the water all quiet and smooth before anyone else was awake to see it. The water was a clear green, and I could see my feet when I was standing up to my neck in the water. The water was also incredibly cold. Very cold. Numbingly cold.

The days went by quickly, too quickly. I could actually live up there on a lake if I could find a job that would sustain me. We went to Gaylord, the closest fairly large town, three times and ate lunch at three decent diners. We went to Lewiston and ate at Talley’s Bar, and Merideth and I went to a little bar by the Outpost for coffee while Josh got Merideth’s clothes ready to go to Mackinac Island.

On Wednesday, we went to the island, and all day Merideth kept talking about wishing she could stay at the Grand Hotel. Finally, when the kids got tired, we walked up to the hotel and pretended we were all going to look at the porch. Little did she know, but Merideth and Josh were staying at the hotel. And, she also didn’t know he was going to propose to her. He did, and she said yes. They are getting married next June 5, and I am performing their wedding on a beach in Florida.

When I got back from Michigan, Bec’s nephew, Jacob, came and stayed with us for two weeks. We painted the outside of the house, which still is not completed, and we pulled up the carpet in the downstairs. We had tons of good conversation, and Jacob cooked dinner for us a few times. The best part of his stay were his disc golf lessons.

Nearly every afternoon, Jacob and I walked down to McCullough Park and pitched some discs. For an hour and a half or so each day, we just chilled and threw discs … and occasionally went poo-diving. Poo-diving happens when someone throws a disc into the drainage channel that runs along the edge of the course. We call the channel, the poo channel, because it is one of the ones that may or may not contain sewage when the storm sewers overflow. I only had to go poo-diving once, but Jacob had to go several times. Yum.

Jacob and I removed the carpet from the downstairs while Dave, the little man that is fixing and rewiring our house, redid the ceiling in the living room. About two weeks ago, he told us that it would only take a couple more days to finish the work, but I think he bit off more than he thought he was biting off with our rewiring. It has been a huge project and most of it had to happen through the uninsulated attic, so for a few days he couldn’t do much because of the intense heat. I can tell you, though, that I am ready for it to be finished, so we can start putting our house back to normal. I want to bring my couch in from the porch.

I took my comps last week and will know by Labor Day whether or not I passed. I am not confident that I did. The hard part about thinking that I may have failed is that I also got a job teaching American Literature at Burris one period a day. If I don’t pass my comps, I don’t get to teach at Burris next semester. If I don’t get to teach there next semester, I lose my foot in the door. And, I want to teach middle school English there next year! I keep trying, in the spirit of my Nazarite vow, to let God be in control and to trust what [They] are doing, but that is so hard for me. It is hard for me to realize that I am not in control, that God is.

I suppose another major event in my life is that my pastor is leaving. Last Sunday was his last Sunday to speak. I was fine until at the end of his message he remarked that he had been at our church for five years, and that it had been a good five years. Then I cried. I cried pretty hard through the last worship set, and then again once it was over. Of course, he came over and harassed me, when I was reading my book to stop myself from crying more, by singing, “I have my books and my poetry to protect me; I am shielded in my armor, hiding in my room, safe within my womb. I touch no one and no one touches me. I am a rock, I am an island.” It’s true, but I am trying to become less of a rock, less of an island. I am trying hard to let people in. I suppose that is why my back has a huge knot in it.

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Posted in Beer, Dissertation, Fat, Food, Relationships, Religion, Running, School, Swimming, Teaching, Writing