Reason Breeds Insanity

Tomorrow night is our housewarming party and I am already getting anxious. I am always anxious when I am having a party. While I love to have people at my house and I love to be with my friends, so many people at once is a bit overwhelming for me. As I get older I get more and more socially anxious. I think that my fear is not being able to spend the time with people that I think they deserve. I have neglected my friends for a while, so that I could work constantly on my paper, at the BUX, and so that I could move. I wish I could have a separate party for each of them so that I could show them how important they are to me. I miss my friends. I have been struggling with whether or not I should quit at SBUX. I love the whole coffee culture, but I need to focus on school. I think I will quit, and then I can substitute teach next semester on our breaks from school. I am trying to save enough money so that I won’t have to work next summer. I want to be able to go canoe camping. I am also hoping to go on about a two-week long road trip with Sarah and David. We are not sure where we are going, but we are going. Finally, I hope Kellie decides to buy my car. I would love to get rid of it—it would be one less thing to worry about.

I say I am on the fritz with Jesus. As most people in relationships that are rocky say, “It isn’t Jesus, it’s me.” I am just so tired of the status quo and so tired of being angry because I miss church on Sundays. I know it isn’t about church, but so much of it IS. It is about going every Sunday and filling a pew or a chair or a mat as the case may be, but so little of it is about doing the other days of the week. Sunday should be the fuel. Not the fire. The fire should be the other days, the days we are with people. Maybe I just need to take some time off of life. Maybe I just need to take some time off. School starts next Monday and I am not really even excited. I look forward to it, but I am not excited. I just get so tired of being the person who sacrifices. I suppose Jesus was tired of it too though.

Well, I am pretty sure that we got a contact buzz at Jimmy Buffett this year. On the way home Adam almost rear-ended the Volvo in front of us. He was “looking at the pretty lights coming toward him across the fence.” Then he just giggled. Oh, but it gets better! We were driving down this narrow country road with a big lip on my side of the car, also known as the edge of the road, and he was watching a person walking down the road and drove off the side of the road. Again apparently the light was pretty. This elicited from me a frantic: “Are you sure you don’t want me to drive? Pull over. I’m driving.” And he: “giggle giggle.” Not funny so much. At any rate the concert was a blast as always. I am pretty sure that this bitch that stood in line with us is going to burn in hell. We were talking about being excited about this concert and she turned around and said, “I can’t wait until they close venue. It sucks.” I wanted to say, “Well, crazy bitch, where, then, do you think Buffett will play? In Conseco? I doubt it.” So next year we will drive to Chicago or Cincinnati to see him. Adam and I thought that might be a good family vacation: to go to Chicago to Buffett and stay in a hotel for a few days. I still am voting for DC sans the marathon sprint through Arlington, though, Chicago is my kind of town. I think going to a Buffett concert with the parental units would be great and whether they would admit it or not, they’d have a blast: mom because she could be as goofy as she wanted and no one would look at her weird (they’d all be too busy staring at my mohawk); and dad because he could watch all the crazies and philosophise about their craziness.

I am waiting to hear back from Kecia, my advisor, about my paper. I have some final revisions to do and then I will turn it in by Friday. I hope I haven’t totally disappointed her, because I am pretty sure that she is the reason I got into the PhD program.

Today I am working at McGalliard SBUX with Dez, Hailey, Kellen, and a couple of other people. It will be weird working in my old store, but even weirder to have all those people there at once.

I think life is short. I think I am not sure what I want to do with mine. I think I want to finish my Ph.D. I think that I would love to just love people for a living. I think I am having a dry spot with God. I think Jesus and I are on the fritz right now. You know, a bad spot in our relationship. I think I am so in love with Jesus that I don’t get our relationship anymore. I think I am so far from Jesus that I don’t get our relationship anymore. I think the last dance number at the Mark was amazing, what I remember of it anyway. I think I am just having bad spots right and left in relationships. I think I am tired. I think I am in too deep in too many things. I think I want to eat sushi and go canoe camping. I think I want to have the whole summer off next summer. I think I want to float down a river with no agenda for at least a week. I think I want to go clear to Lake Huron this time. I think I want to learn new things.I think I want to walk away from education. I think I want to get pissed (in the British sense). I think I want to smoke whole packs of cloves. I think I want to dance naked in the street because I am full of joy. I think I don’t how I can be full of joy but incredibly blah at the same time. I think I am blessed. I think I am cursed. I think.

Moving and working full time and trying to finish my research paper (I am just editing and revising) is getting old. I am so burnt out I can hardly stand it. My library is in a shambles, and I really just want to leave it and watch television. I think I will for today, just sit and do nothing for a change. Well, I have to work tonight, but untilo then, I will just leave it alone. And I think I am going to take the dogs to play in the river. I really just need a vacation!