Reason Breeds Insanity

I had to add this and didn’t want to reopen the last post. As frustrating as it is for both of us for Bec to not have a job, it has proven to be a blessing in disguise. One morning she came home and told me that she was going back to feed Jesus. I knew immediately that she was taking food to a homeless person. His name was Joe. Since then she has collected Sam, as well. Every morning when she walks the dogs, she looks to see if Joe and Sam are out and about. If they are she finds out if they need food, and then takes it to them. Sam prefers black coffee, delivered in one of my travel mugs, which he returns to Bec on her way back to the house so she can refill it, and Joe prefers whatever he can get along with the Ricker’s slushies that other people bring to him. There is another guy who lives down by the graffiti wall whose name she doesn’t know. He seems to be mentally ill as he talks to himself and to others who no one else can see. What interests me is the fact that by accident she is doing what my friend Molly and I set out to do. We ended up cleaning the offices at the Mission, which while okay and necessary, is not very fulfilling. I think the next time I see Molly, I am going to tell her about Becky’s adventures, and see if we can’t work out someway to have a weekly pizza night at McCullough park or the little sitting area on Madison, or the depot, or something. I am pretty sure that it will work well.

Tomorrow night is our housewarming party and I am already getting anxious. I am always anxious when I am having a party. While I love to have people at my house and I love to be with my friends, so many people at once is a bit overwhelming for me. As I get older I get more and more socially anxious. I think that my fear is not being able to spend the time with people that I think they deserve. I have neglected my friends for a while, so that I could work constantly on my paper, at the BUX, and so that I could move. I wish I could have a separate party for each of them so that I could show them how important they are to me. I miss my friends. I have been struggling with whether or not I should quit at SBUX. I love the whole coffee culture, but I need to focus on school. I think I will quit, and then I can substitute teach next semester on our breaks from school. I am trying to save enough money so that I won’t have to work next summer. I want to be able to go canoe camping. I am also hoping to go on about a two-week long road trip with Sarah and David. We are not sure where we are going, but we are going. Finally, I hope Kellie decides to buy my car. I would love to get rid of it—it would be one less thing to worry about.

I say I am on the fritz with Jesus. As most people in relationships that are rocky say, “It isn’t Jesus, it’s me.” I am just so tired of the status quo and so tired of being angry because I miss church on Sundays. I know it isn’t about church, but so much of it IS. It is about going every Sunday and filling a pew or a chair or a mat as the case may be, but so little of it is about doing the other days of the week. Sunday should be the fuel. Not the fire. The fire should be the other days, the days we are with people. Maybe I just need to take some time off of life. Maybe I just need to take some time off. School starts next Monday and I am not really even excited. I look forward to it, but I am not excited. I just get so tired of being the person who sacrifices. I suppose Jesus was tired of it too though.

Well, I am pretty sure that we got a contact buzz at Jimmy Buffett this year. On the way home Adam almost rear-ended the Volvo in front of us. He was “looking at the pretty lights coming toward him across the fence.” Then he just giggled. Oh, but it gets better! We were driving down this narrow country road with a big lip on my side of the car, also known as the edge of the road, and he was watching a person walking down the road and drove off the side of the road. Again apparently the light was pretty. This elicited from me a frantic: “Are you sure you don’t want me to drive? Pull over. I’m driving.” And he: “giggle giggle.” Not funny so much. At any rate the concert was a blast as always. I am pretty sure that this bitch that stood in line with us is going to burn in hell. We were talking about being excited about this concert and she turned around and said, “I can’t wait until they close venue. It sucks.” I wanted to say, “Well, crazy bitch, where, then, do you think Buffett will play? In Conseco? I doubt it.” So next year we will drive to Chicago or Cincinnati to see him. Adam and I thought that might be a good family vacation: to go to Chicago to Buffett and stay in a hotel for a few days. I still am voting for DC sans the marathon sprint through Arlington, though, Chicago is my kind of town. I think going to a Buffett concert with the parental units would be great and whether they would admit it or not, they’d have a blast: mom because she could be as goofy as she wanted and no one would look at her weird (they’d all be too busy staring at my mohawk); and dad because he could watch all the crazies and philosophise about their craziness.

I am waiting to hear back from Kecia, my advisor, about my paper. I have some final revisions to do and then I will turn it in by Friday. I hope I haven’t totally disappointed her, because I am pretty sure that she is the reason I got into the PhD program.

Today I am working at McGalliard SBUX with Dez, Hailey, Kellen, and a couple of other people. It will be weird working in my old store, but even weirder to have all those people there at once.

I think life is short. I think I am not sure what I want to do with mine. I think I want to finish my Ph.D. I think that I would love to just love people for a living. I think I am having a dry spot with God. I think Jesus and I are on the fritz right now. You know, a bad spot in our relationship. I think I am so in love with Jesus that I don’t get our relationship anymore. I think I am so far from Jesus that I don’t get our relationship anymore. I think the last dance number at the Mark was amazing, what I remember of it anyway. I think I am just having bad spots right and left in relationships. I think I am tired. I think I am in too deep in too many things. I think I want to eat sushi and go canoe camping. I think I want to have the whole summer off next summer. I think I want to float down a river with no agenda for at least a week. I think I want to go clear to Lake Huron this time. I think I want to learn new things.I think I want to walk away from education. I think I want to get pissed (in the British sense). I think I want to smoke whole packs of cloves. I think I want to dance naked in the street because I am full of joy. I think I don’t how I can be full of joy but incredibly blah at the same time. I think I am blessed. I think I am cursed. I think.