How I Wish Academia Could Work

A Wish List by Me.

I wish that in academia we could have time to do everything we want to do. I wish we could have ample time to write without distractions and ample time to prepare for teaching. At the same time.

I wish I would have gone to a school that offers dissertation fellowships.

I wish I could compartmentalize my brain to think about class when it needs to and to think about my dissertation when it needs to.

I wish that I could do a Bunny Foo Foo on some of my colleagues. I wouldn’t mind scooping up a few of them and bopping them on the heads.

I wish that they could Bunny Foo Foo me when I need it. Sometimes I need to be bopped on the head.

I wish it didn’t take a couple of beers to put me in the mood to write. I wish I didn’t get tired so fast.

I wish Coke Zero didn’t taste so good. I wish all soda could be made with cane sugar, like Faygo Rock-N-Rye in a glass bottle.

I wish that my dissertation proposal would edit itself. I wish someone besides Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, or Larry Page and Sergey Brin would invent some software that could do that revision. They already make enough money.

I wish that someone would invent software that could hook up to my brain and read what I am thinking, but only if I want it to.

I wish I could get paid just to love people and give them grace. By that, I think I mean I wish I could be a youth pastor again.

I wish I could steal my daddy’s cue and make a living out of playing pool, or find myself a rock-n-roll band that needs a helping hand.

I wish I could write well enough to score a major book contract and write about the snow and the birds and my dogs and how I need to finish painting my house.

I wish writing wasn’t something only a few people could get paid to do, but if it has to be, I wish I was one of those few people.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and have everyone have everything they need, not want. Need. Huge difference.

I wish I had a pair of socks, like the ones I am wearing that my god-daughter picked out for me for Christmas, for every day of the week.

I wish I could wear sweatpants to teach in.

I wish I could swim the English Channel. Or just start running and never stop. Forrest Gump it without Tom Hanks or the stupid feather.

I wish I could be anywhere, doing anything else, but this. That’s how I feel right now. Tomorrow I will feel just fine.

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I am thankful for fun.

Food: banana, juice, pizza and bread sticks, chips and salsa, Lorna Doones: not a good food day at all

Exercise: walked the dogs in huge snow! shoveled the driveway and turn around

The Saints Go Marching In

Ah. Anyone but the Colts. The Saints have it. Saints, go march.

Drink that Hobgoblin English Ale.

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Food: chili, chili, guacamole, chips, oreos, banana, juice, chocolate milk, peanut butter sandwich, apple, English Ale

Exercise: 30 minutes on the evil arc-trainer, walked dogs

A Mixed Bag

1) It’s no secret that I greatly dislike snow. This morning my hatred for it was slightly alleviated because while I was outside, Bec made me some tea and I drank it with a nice bowl of oatmeal after I shoveled for about an hour in order to get the car out to go grocery shopping. I needed things like juice and milk that couldn’t wait until next week when the snow thaws. I am not stupid enough to think that my shoveling for an hour, possibly moving a half-ton of snow, is anything nearly as traumatic as other people all over Appalachia losing power. I have been in a situation with no power before. It wasn’t pretty. We cooked and heated with our fireplace which we were lucky enough to have. In the house we live in now, we would just starve and freeze. Or walk, if the car was snowed in, over to Ed and Abbie’s and starve and freeze with them. Snow is so pretty when you don’t have to be out in it, and it’s a great blessing when your power isn’t out because of it. This is our street.2) For this second point, I am going to do something tricky. I am going to combine my failure at running my four-mile endurance run with my success at going to the nasty gym. I am sure some of you remember from last winter how much I despise the gym. I don’t like to sweat in the middle of winter like it’s summer. I sweat enough when I run outside in the cold air; I don’t want to be chained to a conglomeration of metal and plastic sweating like a whore in church. Besides all that, those machines make you repeat unnatural motions. I tried an arc trainer today, thinking that it would be more like running. Wrong! It was more like going up steps while falling backward off a ledge on a tall building like bad guys do when they’re being chased by cops in the movies. I kept thinking I might seriously fall off the damn machine, so I switched to an exercise bike. Just one time I would like for someone to invent an exercise bike that positions the rider in the same position as a regular bike positions the rider. Instead, you get to sit like someone has shoved a pole up from your tuchas through the top of your head, and better yet, you are sitting on a padded stool instead of a bicycle seat. My hips/legs are sorer from this worthless gym workout (1 mile on the arc and 6 miles on the bike) than they would have been from running the four miles I was supposed to run. And, I would have felt like I had accomplished something. As it is, I ache and feel like I should have just walked to and from school to do my work. Walking in eight to ten inches of snow would have been a good workout. This is the horrible machine I had to ride for 15 minutes before I just couldn’t take it anymore.

3) I am giving up most of my vow. I am breaking down and having a couple of beers, and since I already cut my hair, there isn’t much left to hold onto except the vegetarian thing, which is still in full force. I don’t take this decision lightly, but I think I need the stabilizing force of beer in my life. I am not saying this to be trite or funny, but beer is a depressant and it seems to help me sleep (which I haven’t been doing well lately). It has also been proven in several studies to fend off the symptoms of dementia and Alzheimer’s, and it seems to make me be able to focus more on a specific task. I haven’t been doing so well with focus. Two different people from two totally different walks of life, in two different conversations at two different locations and times, have suggested to me that I am much more spastic and not nearly as jovial or easy to get along with when I don’t have my beer. One of them told me that in the past six months, I have not appeared to be myself and that I always seem distracted. I have read that beer helps people who have problems focusing to focus. So, I think I am returning to the land of the beer-drinkers. At least I have six beers sitting in the fridge at home waiting to be consumed. This is the beer I am going to drink when I get home.4) I was just thinking about our trip to the liquor store today. I got carded and since I didn’t have my ID, Bec had to buy the beer while I waited in the car. Magic. I’m 35 and still can’t buy. This is me at 35.

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I am thankful for flexibility in life. I am also thankful that I was able to free my bicycle from her snowy abode in the bike rack.

Food: juice, chocolate milk, oatmeal, tea, burrito, chips and salsa, ginger ale, peanut butter granola bar, porter, veggie burger, broccoli

Exercise: shoveling snow, dog walking, arc trainer, stationary bike

Deep Thought.

Is it possible that beer helps me focus?

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Food: banana, juice, chocolate milk, oatmeal, grapefruit, pure bar, apple, almonds, mushroom Boca burger, pizza and breadsticks

Exercise: rode the bike from RB to Burris and back, but I am not sure that qualifies

Better But Not Full Steam

Today was a better day after I had the chance to ditch the Louisville conference. Saying no to one thing lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. Now I get to spend the weekend working on my dissertation and grading the papers for the classes I am teaching. It isn’t as if I am not interested in the topic of my proposed conference paper. I am. I just don’t have it in me to go spend three days away from getting meaningful work done on my dissertation proposal and my classes. I have to capitalize on the little bit of spare time I do have to work on interests that will further my academic advancement, and I don’t have enough time to spare to work on things that are drawing my attention away from those pursuits. In short, I just am overbooked and something had to go. Sadly, it was a conference opportunity.

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I am thankful for sound advice and good friends.

Food: banana, juice, chocolate milk, muffin, apple, grapefruit, tall decaf soy vanilla latte, tall soy hot chocolate, biscotti, bean and rice wrap with waffle fries

Exercise: walked the dogs, ran 3 miles, rode bike to school