A Mixed Bag

1) It’s no secret that I greatly dislike snow. This morning my hatred for it was slightly alleviated because while I was outside, Bec made me some tea and I drank it with a nice bowl of oatmeal after I shoveled for about an hour in order to get the car out to go grocery shopping. I needed things like juice and milk that couldn’t wait until next week when the snow thaws. I am not stupid enough to think that my shoveling for an hour, possibly moving a half-ton of snow, is anything nearly as traumatic as other people all over Appalachia losing power. I have been in a situation with no power before. It wasn’t pretty. We cooked and heated with our fireplace which we were lucky enough to have. In the house we live in now, we would just starve and freeze. Or walk, if the car was snowed in, over to Ed and Abbie’s and starve and freeze with them. Snow is so pretty when you don’t have to be out in it, and it’s a great blessing when your power isn’t out because of it. This is our street.2) For this second point, I am going to do something tricky. I am going to combine my failure at running my four-mile endurance run with my success at going to the nasty gym. I am sure some of you remember from last winter how much I despise the gym. I don’t like to sweat in the middle of winter like it’s summer. I sweat enough when I run outside in the cold air; I don’t want to be chained to a conglomeration of metal and plastic sweating like a whore in church. Besides all that, those machines make you repeat unnatural motions. I tried an arc trainer today, thinking that it would be more like running. Wrong! It was more like going up steps while falling backward off a ledge on a tall building like bad guys do when they’re being chased by cops in the movies. I kept thinking I might seriously fall off the damn machine, so I switched to an exercise bike. Just one time I would like for someone to invent an exercise bike that positions the rider in the same position as a regular bike positions the rider. Instead, you get to sit like someone has shoved a pole up from your tuchas through the top of your head, and better yet, you are sitting on a padded stool instead of a bicycle seat. My hips/legs are sorer from this worthless gym workout (1 mile on the arc and 6 miles on the bike) than they would have been from running the four miles I was supposed to run. And, I would have felt like I had accomplished something. As it is, I ache and feel like I should have just walked to and from school to do my work. Walking in eight to ten inches of snow would have been a good workout. This is the horrible machine I had to ride for 15 minutes before I just couldn’t take it anymore.

3) I am giving up most of my vow. I am breaking down and having a couple of beers, and since I already cut my hair, there isn’t much left to hold onto except the vegetarian thing, which is still in full force. I don’t take this decision lightly, but I think I need the stabilizing force of beer in my life. I am not saying this to be trite or funny, but beer is a depressant and it seems to help me sleep (which I haven’t been doing well lately). It has also been proven in several studies to fend off the symptoms of dementia and Alzheimer’s, and it seems to make me be able to focus more on a specific task. I haven’t been doing so well with focus. Two different people from two totally different walks of life, in two different conversations at two different locations and times, have suggested to me that I am much more spastic and not nearly as jovial or easy to get along with when I don’t have my beer. One of them told me that in the past six months, I have not appeared to be myself and that I always seem distracted. I have read that beer helps people who have problems focusing to focus. So, I think I am returning to the land of the beer-drinkers. At least I have six beers sitting in the fridge at home waiting to be consumed. This is the beer I am going to drink when I get home.4) I was just thinking about our trip to the liquor store today. I got carded and since I didn’t have my ID, Bec had to buy the beer while I waited in the car. Magic. I’m 35 and still can’t buy. This is me at 35.

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I am thankful for flexibility in life. I am also thankful that I was able to free my bicycle from her snowy abode in the bike rack.

Food: juice, chocolate milk, oatmeal, tea, burrito, chips and salsa, ginger ale, peanut butter granola bar, porter, veggie burger, broccoli

Exercise: shoveling snow, dog walking, arc trainer, stationary bike

Deep Thought.

Is it possible that beer helps me focus?

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Food: banana, juice, chocolate milk, oatmeal, grapefruit, pure bar, apple, almonds, mushroom Boca burger, pizza and breadsticks

Exercise: rode the bike from RB to Burris and back, but I am not sure that qualifies

Better But Not Full Steam

Today was a better day after I had the chance to ditch the Louisville conference. Saying no to one thing lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. Now I get to spend the weekend working on my dissertation and grading the papers for the classes I am teaching. It isn’t as if I am not interested in the topic of my proposed conference paper. I am. I just don’t have it in me to go spend three days away from getting meaningful work done on my dissertation proposal and my classes. I have to capitalize on the little bit of spare time I do have to work on interests that will further my academic advancement, and I don’t have enough time to spare to work on things that are drawing my attention away from those pursuits. In short, I just am overbooked and something had to go. Sadly, it was a conference opportunity.

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I am thankful for sound advice and good friends.

Food: banana, juice, chocolate milk, muffin, apple, grapefruit, tall decaf soy vanilla latte, tall soy hot chocolate, biscotti, bean and rice wrap with waffle fries

Exercise: walked the dogs, ran 3 miles, rode bike to school

Codename: Kids Next Door

While waiting for my lunch/dinner to bake in the 400º oven for 60-75 minutes, I just watched the strangest cartoon I have seen since I was a kid and Q-bert was part of the Saturday morning line-up. The episode of Codename: Kids Next Door that was on involves a box of Rainbow Crunch Puffs or some such cereal. There is only box left, and everyone wants it. After multiple fights in which various villains/good guys destroy the grocery store in their overzealous attempts to conquer their foes, a character who looks like an old private eye, complete with a pipe and a cap, but shrouded in a dark, reclusive silhouette uses fire power to pop corn and then burn it up. By doing so he exposes several children dressed as superheroes who are hiding under all the popped corn.

I can only assume said children were the “Kids Next Door,” but they didn’t have the cereal either. Of course, the person who ends up with the cereal only wants it because he wants to destroy it.”It’s bad for your teeth, you know,” says the retainer-clad, head-gear-wearing villain. Somehow, everyone in the grocery store combines forces, overpowers Retainer Head and eats the last box of Rainbow Crunch Puffs in a communal breakfast. Just weird. Now, of course, Misadventures of Flapjack is on. Weirder.*

Today wasn’t such a great day. I feel like I am spinning my wheels lately. I am having that feeling that I have every once in a while. I get this notion in my head that I can’t succeed, well, not simply succeed but excel, at anything I am doing. I feel like I am being torn in too many directions: teaching at BSU, teaching at Burris, grading for BSU, grading for Burris, helping edit a high school literary journal, writing a conference paper, writing my dissertation proposal, spending quality time with people who are close to me, trying to find a real job for next year, running, swimming, and sleep. Instead of being able to put “my queer shoulder to the wheel” and get stuff done, I get overwhelmed and can’t do anything.

It’s like I slip into this rote compulsive mode: check Facebook, check email, check phone, check Facebook, check email, check phone, and on and on. It’s quite ridiculous, but I really can’t help it. It’s like I am driven to distract myself from feeling like a failure. Then I get sleepy and just want to sleep. What’s so strange about all of this is that I don’t feel depressed. I just feel overwhelmed and like I want to avoid the things I have to do. Even though I was sick over the weekend, it isn’t like me to sleep for fourteen hours. Eight or nine, yes. But fourteen, no.

Part of what I am going to force myself to avoid are the conflicts around me that I have no control over. I can’t control what other people do. Some people are simply jack-asses. I keep thinking that one day I will discover a group of people who can get along like I think adults should be able to get along. You know, show grace, compassion, respect, integrity, kindness, equality, and responsibility. Is it too much to ask for adults to be able to exhibit the characteristics we expect from children?

I just need to stop being delusional. People aren’t naturally good. People are fallen, and no amount of my thinking they are good at heart is going to make them so. People are selfish, egotistical, and greedy. They don’t look out for each other. Why can’t I just recognize this and go on? Why do I insist on trying to see the good in people who clearly aren’t good? I want them to be, I think, so I keep hoping they will be. I guess I can still hope. I can always hope, but I need to stop basing my faith in the lies of other people. I need to remember where my true hope lies and focus more on that. All this worldly stuff just makes me bitter, like bad coffee.

I can’t afford to focus on these things, however. I have a dissertation proposal to write, papers to grade, a conference paper to write, and lessons to plan.

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I am thankful that my mostly dead cat is not completely dead.

Food: banana, juice, muffin, chocolate milk, apple, bean/rice/veggie pot pie, ginger ale

Exercise: walked the dogs, ran 3.5 miles

(Yesterday: ran 3 miles, walked dogs, walked from Burris to RB)

Mia Kirshner at BSU?

One of my friends is responsible for getting Mia Kirshner to come to BSU. This is a huge deal, a much bigger deal than I originally thought. Because I don’t really watch The L Word, I had no idea who Mia Kirshner is, nor did I realize that she had a life-changing epiphany. She travels around the world documenting the way women are treated and the way human rights are practiced (or not practiced) in communities around the world. This is noble.

My point is that if you are reading this you should go to Pruis Hall at 7PM tomorrow night to hear Mia Kirshner speak.

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I am thankful for friends like these.

Food: banana, juice, cookies, chocolate milk, leftover pot-pie innards (beans and rice), clementine, chips and guacamole, salad with sunflower seeds, decaf soy latte, almonds, broccoli

Exercise: walked the dogs